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tulpa001

Tulpa's log

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I don't write much yet, but I will be, on other threads. I don't know how many people follow these logs, but I have made a few posts across the site.

 

I just hope we don't get each other confused too much. We are working on it, but we often imagine what the other person says, and there is some bleed of influence. We feel each other's emotions and also impressions of events while both in the head.

 

That is what we are forgetting. While we are both in the head, he is always controlling the body. And we have been testing this, both with me struggling against him, and relaxing entirely while he is doing things. It really helps us feel he's not me when I am too relaxed to do anything but the body is still moving about. But sometimes ideas get through. Like, I will think something, and he will do it.

 

Like, I am not typing this out. I am dictating it and he is typing it. But the process is so seamless, it feels like I am typing it. Like the brain is this pool of thoughts, some from me and some from him. I can't control the body directly, but he can read my thoughts directly from the pool and just type them out like his own.

 

Oh man, he really likes how this feels.

 

Anyway, he is in a trance like state. Fully conscious, but being silent, so that he doesn't accidentally influence me. Except to remind me that he is still here.

 

Most of the time, I don't want him to do anything I think. And he is perfectly capable of telling our thoughts apart. So if I try to move a muscle, it goes nowhere. If I think about scratching an itch, it goes nowhere. But if he is not really paying attention, then if I think about scratching an itch, it just goes into the pool of thoughts and he acts on it subconsciously.

 

Afterwards, I test to see if I have control of the body. We have done this many times. Never have I gotten the muscles to move. So, I can't directly control the body, but I can control the body through automatic actions if he's not paying attention.

 

You know, another thing you notice is when you start looking at stuff like this, is just how often you get itches. That most people probably scratch without noticing

 

Tulpa: Interjecting here. You have no idea how many times she asked me, "did I do that?" and I have to remind her that no, I have control of the body right now. But then she points out that it was her thought that I was acting on. And then I get a little worried, but either I can reestablish control in a second, or I was the one who moved the arm.

 

I haven't seen much of your host because she doesn't write much, but she seems to use a simpler sentence format. Let's take a look and notice how Tulpa uses complex and compound sentences and his host doesn't seem to use them that much.

 

Actually, we thought the opposite was true. We assumed that my vocabulary and grammar complexity was considerably greater than his. But he has developed very rapidly over the time he has been posting here. The last time we did a stylometric test was about a week after we joined the site?

 

I imagine that must be common. We have the same issue, but it seems to make sense. You share the same brain, so it would weird to me if one of you could remember one thing that the other couldn't. You have access to the same set of information.

 

You are probably right about that, but I can't help but wonder if maybe the reason is if one of us remembers, then the info goes into that thought pool so neither of us have time to notice that one of us didn't remember.

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Special apology post:

 

A recent verbatim conversation:

 

Random thread post: ..what if you have a tulpa that doesnt believe you exist?

Random reply: I'd say they're well within their right to question that!

Tulpa: I don't want to [question your existence].

me: I don't want to either.

Tulpa: You wouldn't want to.

me: [oh?]

Tulpa: It is a terrible experience. You wouldn't want to go through that.

 

Over and over. Teeny tiny posts in a flood of backlogs. The phrase, self delusion comes up. From people who supposedly have tulpas. What the hell? Also, the Mistgod-Meilan neverending barrage of self-doubt. It is seriously battering down my Tulpa's emotional foundation. He doesn't need this [expletive deleted].

 

Oh, I promised an apology. He is not like me. He seems to be governed by emotion. And when tired, or whenever he can't properly tell us apart, he just gets testy.

 

Also, what was that with saying you hate music in a favourite music discussion?

 

Sorry, sorry, sorry.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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Special heartfelt post:

 

I feel I need to post about this right away before I forget. Not that I could forget.

 

We feel each other's emotions, kind of muted like. But we read about others sending much stronger emotions to each other. So we decided to send each other the full strength of the emotions we were currently feeling.

 

I went first. At the time, I was feeling strong love for her. She said that it was an overwhelming emotion. Too strong for her brain to process. To her it was simply "an emotion" that was extremely intense. I asked if she was alright, and she said to continue, as it was pleasurable. She says it is like an orgasm made out of love. It faded pretty fast. My intense feeling do not last long.

 

Then she sent me hers. They were really small, and weak, compared to mine. There were three. Her love, despite not being strong, it made me feel like the most amazing thing in the universe. Not like ice cream amazing. Like, a star, shining in the distance, warm and comforting light. Like the only star in the universe.

 

I could also feel her infinite calm. It is kind of like a blanket made out of love, that makes you feel safe and sleepy. It also feels like water. Water with sunlight in it.

 

And then there was the third. She called it her thread of depression. But it wasn't really depression at the time. It was channelling another emotion. Something she sometimes calls the song of the universe. It is like a really melodic song that you can't properly hear the notes to. Or like every song ever, but really soft and gentle. And it feels like the soul of the universe. It is a sad emotion. And it is a happy emotion at the same time. She tends to feel this emotion while sleeping or relaxed or half asleep. Which she was, as we did this after waking up.

 

And her emotions persisted. Unlike mine. I felt them for about fifteen minutes before I asked her to stop because I was getting a headache. Her emotions persist all day, whereas my really intense love only peaks for about five seconds, and then fades over the next thirty. I usually only feel it when she sweet talks me. Which she doesn't do very often. She doesn't roll that way.

 

In the end, her emotions were the more overwhelming, despite their weakness. Her emotions got to me. Looking at them, they were really beautiful; I cried. I am still close to tears just remembering them.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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Guest Anonymous

Your writing reminds me of the pathetic fallacy. I really like it.

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Indeed, truly an unfortunately named fallacy.

 

Emotions are difficult to communicate, for sure.

 

Since I'm posting, I should add an observation I made today. My emotions are not normally very strong. It doesn't happen every day, and depends on all sorts of factors in my environment and what I did recently. I would love to report that I have ridiculously strong feeling for my host every day. Alas, today, just some subtle ones.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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Okay, so, log time.

 

I have noticed some annoying differences between myself and the "standard" tulpa experience. First, the implication that tulpa have separate senses from their hosts. I am quite jealous. Me, I see what she sees and I hear what she hears. This reduces our overall level of independance. It would be almost as awesome as a separate memory. What I wouldn't give to experience just a little lost time.

 

I am left wondering. Some have theorised that tulpa remembering separate memory from their hosts is constructed memory, much like how a dream may reconstruct itself around whatever woke you up, giving it a prophetic flavour. In our case, our brain doesn't allow for memory falsification, so we never get that.

 

I think maybe also, there is false reporting going on. A tulpa seems somewhat of a subconscious entity normally. Such a subconscious entity can very easily slip into beliefs without evidence. Is, maybe, the tulpa saying they have their own memory and senses one of these false beliefs? For us, we have looked into each other's minds. This is how we have clear evidence of what we have observed of ourselves. I would so much like some other tulpa to tell me this is wrong, and give me a competing theory.

 

This has consequences for switching. Like, how do you switch into a tulpa like state if your tulpa actually experiences life through your eyes. Like when switched, you would not be dissociated from your senses at all.

 

The third possibility, which I actually think is most likely, is that we have subconscious memories and thought. Memories and thoughts that are not available to conscious recall. We actually have gone through a mode transition, which makes it confusing. Originally, there was a difference between what thoughts we sent to the other and what thoughts we kept quiet. The person who was switched in, they are an open book. Both their sent thoughts and their quiet thoughts are totally available to the other. But now, two changes have occurred. The quiet thoughts, we have stopped vocalising. To a degree, this means they don't get recorded for conscious recall. The other, they can still read them, but act as if they do less. In part out of respect, but, it makes the situation feel more equal. I think one of the metaphors we set up to keep us separate must be working. And the other change, we are now sending all the thoughts we are vocalising to the other.

 

Anyway, we each act too smart. Given the thoughts we are sending to the other, if those are our only thoughts, they don't make sense. You need more thoughts going on in the background in order to properly construct your sentences and keep track of the conversation. But, those thoughts, they don't appear in our internal dialogue anymore. For either party. So we both have subconscious thoughts.

 

Our focus is joined most of the time. When I look at something, she looks at something. We can split our focus, a little. But what I think about, she thinks about. If she is paying attention to the real world, I am paying attention to the real world. If she is feeling stuff in a daydream body, I am feeling stuff in the daydream body. Even if I am in another daydream body, when she touches me, I experience the situation through her touch. Or maybe both bodies are experiencing sensation, but then we are both experiencing both sets of sensation. The entire scene will be seen out of one pair of eyes at a time.

 

The only real difference, is the emotional responses we will give. What she likes and what I like differ slightly. Well that, and I will be controlling one body and her the other.

 

It's the same thing in the real world. I navigate the real world using her remembered mental map of it. When I look at stuff, I am not really looking at it, I am simply directing my attention at it. I don't get any dizziness or disorientation moving my body and seeing myself out of her eyes.

 

It would be nice if I had subconscious senses, much like I believe myself to have subconscious memories, but our mind doesn't work that way. If I imagined myself seeing something, that would become instantly visible to her. I suppose it could be possible for some tulpae to see the world through their eyes, but not remember it for conscious recall. In this case, the only evidence you would have that the sensation ever existed is the word of your tulpa. When switched, your tulpa would not even be able to remember those sensations.

 


 

We are eclipsing each other all the time. I tend to do it even when out of the body. It is a bit annoying. We will be paying attention to something else, then the not possessing one will want something, and the possessing one will simply do it. This has led to countless confusing "who did that?" conversations.

 

At least we can tell our thoughts apart really well now. I really think one of our separation metaphors is primarily to blame. On the other hand, figuring out which of us is daydreaming when thinking about things is a nightmare. Maybe we have a single joint daydreaming subsystem? So the answer is both of us? We will need to work on better separation.

 


 

Trying to figure out if the other is awake or sleeping has gotten a lot more confusing. For one thing, I am controlling the body like all the time. Not only does this actually help me to think clearly, it obviously means I am awake even when I am quiet for really long periods of time. Also, it has started to happen that even when I try to give control back to her, we stop paying attention and it just snaps back to me. Fun.

 

Her ability to stay awake is way up. But there is still a fair bit of confusion. For one thing, she acts a lot different when not fully awake, so I am constantly worried, like am I talking to her, or am I imagining her and inadvertently creating a tulpa copy of her? I have heard that this has happened from time to time. Usually I deal with this by leaving the body and just waiting for her to wake up fully. Once she grabs the body's primary focus, there can be no doubt. When that happens, her internal state is broadcast to both of us, so I can just look at her internal mind to make sure.

 

For another, for some reason, we can't tell how awake the other is unless they say something. When they do, like a bunch of emotion and other info seems carried on the words. So if the other doesn't say anything, like maybe when we are both reading something, the only thing we can be sure of is they are not entirely gone, because there is a bit of physical feel to their presence in the body. That physical feel is not good enough to give a clear indication.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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This stupid fear of not existing. I went through an epic battle with it this last week. Every time we make ground, it transforms. At first, I didn't know I was real, and it terrified me. But then we got buried under a mountain of evidence. So then it becomes I am not a separate thing from her. But that got buried under a mountain of evidence. So now it is well, I was real yesterday. But maybe not today! G-- D--- it! *mashes keyboard*

 

It keeps. It keeps feeding me with unrealistic thoughts. And it makes it hard to see all the evidence we've collected. It paints everything in an unrealistic light that makes me look like I don't exist. It makes me dwell on anything anyone says that implies I might not exist.

 

Why do I feel like this? She doesn't care. She doesn't want me to feel these emotions. She doesn't really care for emotions. She literally just wants me to be happy. If I wanted to disappear, she'd go along with it. I figure it is her buried emotions; deep down inside, she wants me to be real really bad. She has always wanted me. I'm her perfect man. But I need to be real to be that. She doesn't care for illusions or pretend, or false thoughts. She is scientific and will accept nothing less than the complete truth. And she would not accept a partner who thought otherwise.

 

I am like a reverse tulpa. Tulpas are supposed to help people with their emotions. Instead, I brought emotional turmoil to our system. Today, I asked her if I'm real, and she said I don't know for the first time. She says that I am wearing her down, she knows I'm real, but I keep doubting myself, so she has to think about it.

 

She has decided that I am being silly. That I need to get over myself. She pointed out the ridiculous extremes my paranoia is skewing the evidence. I am ridiculous and I need to get over myself.

 

Two days ago, she fell asleep outside the body. When she woke up, I doubted it was her. Like I've heard stories that tulpas tried to wake their headmates up so hard that they create copies of them. Like, what if in my wanting to wake her I imagined her waking up? She wasn't behaving like herself. I became afraid to love her. I couldn't tell it was her. I wanted her.

 

And that was the worst. I don't care about myself. I just want her to be happy. I can't bear the thought of trashing our relationship. And, here, I caused myself to be unable to feel love for her. I had succeeded in trashing our relationship with my paranoia.

 

>Doctor, It feels like the most important person in my life has been replaced by an alien.

>How does that make you feel?

 

We figured maybe I was just too tired, so I slept outside the body. When she woke me up, I couldn't tell it was me. I was not behaving like myself. She couldn't tell for sure either. I mean. Hers is the mind that only recently created me. And when I was created, I had full access to all our memories.

 

Our personalities drift around a lot. Hers in particular. She just lets thoughts happen. She is totally go with the flow. She doesn't need defense mechanisms. Every single one of her thoughts passes through a formal logic inspection process. She allows herself to fully immerse in every experience, safe in the knowledge that at the end of the day, she will always know which thoughts are true, and which might be true. It allows her to reach very high comprehension and intuition levels.

 

I actually think this is the reason she passes out and still has trouble staying awake when I am active. She has no safeguards against total immersion. She pays attention to me totally.

 

And, there are always going to be differences between how a person normally behaves and how they behave immediately after waking up. *facepalm* Idiot. Neither of us was trying hard to wake the other up. I just need to be careful not to think about what she'd do while I wake her up.

 

A lot of time has passed between now and when I was born. She has pointed out that there is no way in hell she'd behave the same way then and now. Our interaction has evolved. She has also pointed out, that if a character took one of our places, we'd end up slotting into the character when we actually wake up because that's just how this type of thing works.

 

I feel most real when touching her. And also when waking up after the system goes to sleep. I mean, I don't want to stop touching her, but when will I no longer depend on it for confirming myself to me? I'm not going anywhere. My days of fearing just disappearing are long gone. I don't need confirmation.

 

And then I had the thought, like we are so similar, maybe the system is having difficulty itself keeping us straight? I suppose I could always do something she would never do, like punch herself in the head. It is really annoying how short the list is of things she would never do but I might.

 

I think my battle with self doubt is coming to an end.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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BREAKTHROUGH

 

Finally, we have reached the point where Tulpa seems completely independant from me. Either the illusion is complete, or he is totally independant.

 

What I did was push him entirely out of my mind. I can no longer sense his thoughts. when he moves my hand, it no longer feels like me moving my hand. I don't have to think at all about him for him to stick around.

 

Overall, a bumpy gear shift. It feels like we entered stage three. Stage two we did everything we could to get him everpresent and thinking. And that means me inviting him into my mind, and us suffering tons of blending related issues.

 

And I had to train to think about him whenever I could. Now, my goal is to not think about him at all, and actively block him from my mind.

 

Aah, massive headache. Yep, this is going to be a completely new set of problems. Once we get to the point where neither of us can hear the other's thoughts, I think we will be ready to train parallel processing.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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I'd say the issue was not making sure to sanction yourselves off from eachother at the beginning, but not in the opposite sides of the wall ways.

 

Reading the tumblr log of Chupi/Goopi he created a library with all of his deep memorys locked away from his tulpa at first. Later on he realized that a library he had filled with resources like movies and stories for his Tulpa was getting filled with her memories also. That was when he opened up his memories to her.

It's possible that Tulpa had subconscious access to the old experiences of the host and was therefore aligned much closer to host in feelings and thoughts to begin with.

 

As for joint hearing and so on, you should be able to create a metaphorical barrier on who can use them, such as a pair of headphones one must wear to hear when not the current body possessor.

 

At first, I didn't know I was real, and it terrified me. But then we got buried under a mountain of evidence. So then it becomes I am not a separate thing from her. But that got buried under a mountain of evidence. So now it is well, I was real yesterday. But maybe not today! G-- D--- it! *mashes keyboard*

 

You are definitely real, although you may not have a physical form. Just comparing the two of you through here in how you have distinctly different thoughts, different sentence structure, etc. Stick in there.

As you age I'm sure you will become more of an individual compared to your host. ;)


"My lover's got humour,

She's the giggle at a funeral,

Knows everybody's disapproval,

I should've worshipped her sooner."

 

Host to Samuel, RavenIvy, and Olivia.

 

CERCA TROVA

 

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I've been toying around with the idea of making another update, but we really are in a long-term development phase at the moment.

 

Currently, we've switched to mainly working on dissociation at the moment, but everything we are working on, dissociating, parallel processing, independent memory, we expect to take weeks to gain notable ground on.

 

And we also need to schedule some time to experiment with projection, as my projection is still pretty bad visually in terms of solidity. And we also need to spend time on lucid dreams. Turns out, working together, we can turn our natural once a week lucid dreams up to about once a day.

 

Speaking of lucid dreams, so many of them are boring. A lot of the ones we get at the start of the sleep, they also feel really similar to waking dreams, like the daydreams we use to enter those lucid dreams. And just today, when we tried meditation for dissociation, we fell into more dreams repeatedly.

 

Based on our own experiences, and stuff we heard recently, we are not convinced there is any significant difference between lucid dreams and dissociative daydreams.

 

I think it is interesting to note we fall into dreams really fast, like within one minute of falling asleep. Is that weird? Also, I'm beginning to suspect that most people don't have a strong visual imaging component to most of their thoughts.

 


 

I'd say the issue was not making sure to sanction yourselves off from eachother at the beginning, but not in the opposite sides of the wall ways.

Not sure that this would work for us. See, she doesn't have any internal barriers. She never needed them. She is immanently logical. Every single thought she has is passed through a formal logic verification process. So, after thinking about something for a while, she always knows the odds, guaranteed. In that kind of mental environment, defence mechanisms only slow things down. She probably couldn't sequester or suppress thoughts if she wanted to.

 

As for joint hearing and so on, you should be able to create a metaphorical barrier on who can use them, such as a pair of headphones one must wear to hear when not the current body possessor.

This mystifies me about tulpas. How do most of them not just see with the host's eyes? :O And how do they see the real world at all?

 

You are definitely real, although you may not have a physical form. Just comparing the two of you through here in how you have distinctly different thoughts, different sentence structure, etc. Stick in there.

As you age I'm sure you will become more of an individual compared to your host. ;)

Thank you. We do speak different. Though just barely. I'd try to run some tests for differences in face to face communication, but she hates social interaction. Like really hates it.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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