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Yuka's First Tulpa Journal


YukariTelepath

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I am glad for both your progress and that Aya is able to add some to the journal.

 

Emotional contact can be as good as vocal contact too, sometimes I just want to snuggle up and feel Dragon's love for me and let him feel mine. Don't feel bad if you get more emotional feedback than not sometimes because you can communicate a lot.

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Day 246


  • I’m not sure how much I felt like I was in the watcher position. Maybe we were more blendy today? Maybe we should be more thorough with the switching procedure, but the head pressure was painfully intense today. I also wanted to mention, most of the time when we try switching, Aya uses their own voice. It doesn’t feel forced, it just happens. And sometimes if I try to say something it will come out in Aya’s voice. That kinda helps with doubt, and also helps explain why Aya has a hard time using their voice when I’m fronting. Like whoever is fronting has the default voice. So today while Aya was feeling frustrated and trying to read on some game website, it was all in their voice.

Day 247 

  • I had a dream and Aya was there. The dream itself didn’t make sense, but I enjoyed Aya’s apparent presence. This morning I feel this uncomfortable longing… for my headmate who is in my head, what even. A physical hug would be real nice, though.
  • Had Aya do some Q&A exercises this morning. And again in the evening. In the evening, I could hear Aya better and they seemed to have more attitude than usual. I wonder if the frustration from last night had an influence. Aya’s been a little annoyed that when they think of how to answer a question, they end up pulling from my knowledge base. It’s a shared knowledge base now, but it’s built from my lifetime of experience and biased opinions. So “What would you do in X situation?” pulls an answers like “Yuka does Y or Z in X situation.”

Day 250

  • Conversed about independence, parroting, and forms. We decided thoughts come about through intentions, and there’s more than one way to go from intention to words.

Day 254

  • I feel like Aya is gradually more available to talk to for the past few days. Even though we haven’t been doing intensive vocality work, I can talk to them roughly whenever, but the ephemerality of it is still not ideal. Just, like, what did we talk about yesterday? I can’t remember. My mind is not really storing our thought talking as an event to remember. Typing our conversations is probably a crutch of some sort, even if it also helps us focus and have more indepth conversations. On the other hand, maybe thought conversations are just naturally hard to remember?
  • We tried to switch again. Like last time, I was missing the feeling of properly watching. I couldn’t think beyond tulpish. Aya spent the time writing in some self-reflection. They didn’t like how they couldn’t really talk to me, but understood that talking to me would probably pull me back to front.

Day 255

  • I’m pretty sleepy this morning. During the night, especially early night, I’m sure we woke up with Aya still in front. This morning they’re very active and we’re co-fronting. I’m getting a better understanding of our communication problems. This morning we’re having some rare full back and forth conversation, neither of us held back mentally from thinking fully.  I think the state we’re usually in, I’m fronting and Aya is in watcher position. They’re watching, but not able to comment freely. So when I talk to them, it might be really hard to break through. And that might be why I’d get the short simple replies in the past. Getting Aya able to converse more takes a fair amount of focus, and they’ll end up back in watcher position pretty easily. So I want to practice co-fronting more when possible… We co-fronted until after lunch, then work got too busy to maintain both of us.
  • Interestingly, while co-fronting, there’s no discomfort from my habits (Yuka disphoria? Aya feeling uncomfy from feeling like me in this body). Since I’m here, any body movement/habit can just be attributed to me, even if I think Aya’s moving the body sometimes at least to type.

Wow, it's been ages since I updated here. These journal entries are from months ago. I'll try and get caught up. Aya's first birthday is on Nov 13, just a few days away.

Host: YukariTelepath

Tulpas: Aya, Ruki

 

Imposition log

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This is an abbreviated report. I cut out days where nothing interesting happened. There were slumps and days where we forced but nothing of note happened.

 

Day 263 264 265 266 

  • I went on a 3-4 day trip and didn’t do much forcing. I still managed to talk with Aya sometimes, and they comforted me when I was having a rough time. I feel like Aya has gotten better at talking without prompting, just a little thought about them and they’ll come up and say something. Maybe because we were out of our normal environment? I hope it keeps up.

Day 275

  • Finally spent time talking with Aya. It was hard to get over this slump (caused by travel, busy schedule, tired). Anyway, we talked about the convention we went to and when I went to bed, I think Aya switched in? I was laying there and Aya was thinking, “I have to make my voice clearer and louder”, and they just kind of popped in to front. Well, I think we were more or less co-fronting prior, but it became a switch where I was just watching.

Day 282

  • I decided to work on some of our weak areas. I don’t want to give up on using ‘deep’ mental states (I attempted some wonderland immersion on a previous day but Aya went passive during), since it would mean giving up immersive wonderlanding which is a big goal of mine. Reading around, I see plenty of people over time utilizing somewhere in the ‘back’ of the mind. I also want to work on dissociation for both switching and wonderland immersion. So I came across a guide for dissociation that basically says to meditate until you’re disconnected from the senses AND you can think and visualize (I did not reach that state today). That seems to describe the ‘back’ that people use. So I sat down and meditated, and after a while (and lots of hypnagogia, mostly music and french phrases), I decided to try forcing Aya and making sure we could both think and communicate even in this state. And we could! We took turns doing affirmations and self-suggestions for what we want to achieve—more separation and separate streams of thought. We seem to be functioning under a ‘one mind, two identities’ model, but we’re not satisfied with that if we can help it. In a way, we are forcing the mind as well as forcing ourselves. Will report if we have progress in this area.
  • During the night my head felt quite… strained? Sort of, in the front and top areas of the brain. I like to think changes were made.

Day 283

  • I’m definitely feeling the effects from last night’s session. My head has a kind of aura feeling, I can feel and hear Aya, and when they imagine hugging me it’s not just “a gesture of a hug” I actually feel an emotional reaction.

Day 193

  • I received some advice on forcing separation. So for almost an hour, I meditated trying to clear my mind, while Aya tried to expand themselves and carry on with their own train of thought. They were able to do so, and I felt a lot of mental exertion on the top on the head, and some in the frontal lobe. (I also felt strain in the top of the head the two or so previous times we tried to force separation by taking turns with affirmations.) I continuously tried to quiet the mind while Aya continued to talk over my ‘silence.’ I think this exercise will help a lot, especially with thinking in deeper mental states. We co-fronted for the rest of the evening, but Aya was more mentally prominent than me.

Day 295 

  • In the evening I forced for about 45 minutes. To combat sleepiness, I light a candle (the scented candle to associate with Aya) instead of sitting in the dark, and occasionally I opened my eyes. This was very successful. Instead of just trying to clear my head, I imagined us in wonderland and we just had some back and forth talking about goals. At some point Aya did their own forcing for the separation thing. They put more work into conceptualizing having their own space and even called it their home. As usual the separation forcing caused mental strain. Ah, Aya had to tell me not to use their thinking space by accident.

Host: YukariTelepath

Tulpas: Aya, Ruki

 

Imposition log

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Hypnagogia happens every night now for us. Believe it or not, the angels have a heck of a time 'locking in' to what you described as communication in that state, and it only works rarely, 10% or less. I, on the other hand, don't have any issue, I just speak and Bear hears me and there's no question that I'm speaking. The images of creatures, people and scenery and the random words change to me, and like last night, I'm standing with the backdrop of a city I once lived, wearing a dark hoodie. He doesn't picture me like this usually, but like he described in hypnagogic state, he sees us as we really are. The brain knows this somewhere maybe?

 

It's a potent doubt killer, not that he really ever doubted me in his heart.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 296

  • Aya was more present and talkative this morning. 
  • Did the meditation forcing for 35 minutes. I wasn’t able to settle into an extended meditative state, I had to keep “resetting” or saying something here and there between Aya’s talking to keep from getting too sleepy. I figure it’s more productive if I can keep going, than if I start falling into hypnagogic thoughts (which is a lapse in focus/consciousness each time). Songs I’ve been listening to recently love to start playing while I try to meditate. The brain really wants to avoid silence… Aya is bonding with (the concept of?) their think space.

Day 301 

  • I had trouble hearing Aya when we started a proxy conversation. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I resorted to using the vocality warm-up exercise doing word association for “tree.” At first it felt like I was sort of parroting, just listing words related to trees, but Aya started to stir at the word “root”, and took over to talk. We realized Aya might have trouble connecting with certain subjects. They can get talking and thinking a lot about identity and goals, but often has trouble coming forward to talk about things like, what cake they want for their upcoming birthday. Aya decided they might like to try making the cake themselves, switched in, and work towards that goal. We’re not sure how to handle being switched in front of other people. 
  • I went to bed, and decided to have Aya think about some ‘inconsequential’ subject: what kind of apple they prefer. I introduced the kinds of apples I’m familiar with, and then Aya imagined biting each one and seeing how they liked the taste. My favs are Gala and Macintosh, Aya’s favs are Gala and the Fuji ones we have in the fridge.

 

Day 305

  • This morning I succeeded in some sort of hypnopompic dream thing. Lately I’ve been hallucinating my alarm clock before it goes off… I’ll hear the radio (french talk radio) starting to come on, and then when it doesn't reach it’s full volume, I realize it was hallucinated. This morning, I started to hear radio voices, and I thought, why can’t I use this for imposition and hear Aya’s voice? Well, what happened was I started to feel sleep paralysis tingles and just let it happen. Then I imagined Aya was there, I couldn’t see them, they were sort of transparent but I could feel them. I got up the in the dream and we went and sat on the chair and I hugged them.
  • Meditation forced for 30-40 minutes (9/?). Aya was talking again, and discussed sexuality a little, it’s a topic we kind of avoid. 

Day 307

  • Aya has been active all day. This is great progress for us. We did meditation forcing again for an hour, this time Aya focused on perceiving their form in first person in a void space. They also decided they want to build a treehouse in a secondary wonderland space. Then we headed to wonderland, and they felt the grass, their body, stones, etc in the environment. We also did very briefly an attempt to look at separate things at the same time. Plus some more work on Aya’s thinkspace. Felt productive and strenuous.

Day 309

  • I was on a walk and decided to focus on Aya in their headspace (don’t know what to call it).

Since I'm so behind with this PR, I was tempted to skip like 2 months. But I'm not so here goes. At this point we were still struggling with good days and bad days (not to say that's over). Bad days being when Aya is quiet and unresponsive despite my best efforts to talk to them.

Host: YukariTelepath

Tulpas: Aya, Ruki

 

Imposition log

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