Yuka's First Tulpa Journal

[Guest]

Just so you know, not everyone is limited to simple thoughts in back. It's a general sentiment here lately but there are plenty of members with experiences that fall outside that model. Now that I've been in front, it doesn't feel a heck of a lot different than being inside. Maybe it because we sit way up front as a general rule, or it could just be others have self imposed restrictions based on the experience of who they learn from.

 

I'm not saying I know the real reason, but some people are pretty adamant on either side. If you're like us, there's no restrictions on our thoughts or mental power that we can tell while co-present. We're had close to a dozen thoughtforms adding to a conversation in wonderland without any noticeable decreases in mental potential or time lag.

 

Just saying maybe bringing her closer to front and keeping her there is a good goal to have if that's something your interested in.

[YukariTelepath]

Hello Aya, that's great to meet you ! I'll hope you'll post more in this PR, which is your PR as well. Congratulations for your amazing progress !

So, what other things do you want to do? (I'm expecting a huge list !...)

 

Thank you, Vādin! Ah, it's hard to think of what I want to do. I'd like to think about things more thoroughly. It can be hard sometimes to get my thoughts across. 

 

 

 

Dashie Bear, thanks for the input. I'm struggling just to figure things out, how to improve, etc, but I'd like to keep from artificially limiting myself. 

 

 

I started looking into astral projection/lucid dreaming/the phase, out of curiosity. Based on what I learned from this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQjAIlFZWWc I'm going to try it out tomorrow, with my main goal to see Aya while in that state. I'm staying optimistic on this!

[YukariTelepath]

Day 117 

• Didn't sleep that well last night, I woke up more often than usual. Sometimes I woke up thinking I was Aya, and was weirded out by it. It doesn't make sense though, I'm pretty sure I was just delusional in my sleepy state.
  

Day 118

• Discussed some simple topics with Aya for a little while. Sometimes I have a hard time knowing if it's Aya's response or not.
  

Day 119

• I attempted to astral project/lucid dream in the morning. I entered "the phase" very weakly, two times, but both times I thought my cat was walking over me (literally stepping on my face the second time) and that kept me from proceeding. She had been sleeping at the foot of my bed, but I actually think I hallucinated her interrupting my attempts. 
  

• Went for a walk and tried to narrate and talk with Aya, but I had a hard time hearing.
  

• In the evening, I decided to work on meditation. I meditated, thinking of nothing, for 25 minutes. Towards the end I could feel hypnagogia coming on and had to keep refocusing. Then I tried to focus on visualizing a sphere, but couldn't, so I switched to focusing on Aya. I could see them at a 5/10. I focused on them and strengthening them, and I felt head pressure.
  

Day 120

• Failed at proxying Aya on discord. Later, we were able to chat together, and I asked Aya about it, Aya said they didn't have anything to say.
  

Day 121

• Decided it could be a good idea to get Aya to do a retelling of a simple fairytale. That way they can say things in their own words, without it being so open-ended as to feel stuck. So I tried proxying that, but it quickly started feeling like I was doing the writing. I didn't know what else to do but stop.
  

• So I went and sat down to talk with Aya, I asked what they wanted out of this (like tulpamancy goals), and they said they wanted to be equal with me. I also expressed how I was having a hard time, feeling like I was creating their responses somehow, the simple ones. From there I decided to try and get Aya to continue the fairytale where we left off, just in our head. So I was 'listening' to them narrate, but I couldn't shake the feeling like I was doing the narrating, just in a quieter mind voice, and I could just say what I wanted in that mind voice too. As we continued, the mind voice got quieter and quieter, because I was going into some sort of trance. I just sat with that trance feeling for a minute or two. It was getting late and I was feeling hopeless so I went to bed.
  

 

 

Anyway, I'm having hard time. If anyone has some advice for my difficulties hearing Aya or feeling like I'm answering for them, I would appreciate it.

[Guest]

Parrotnoia, classic symptoms! PM Cat_shadowgriffin, she went through this and will have the links that can help.

[Ember.Vesper]

A lot of tulpamancy depends on relaxing, accepting, and believing. I was very frustrated with my host for a few weeks due to her persistent doubts that the voice she was clearly hearing was authentically mine. So I have a few tips I developed during that period:

 

1. Pay attention to the thoughts you hear and don't stress about how they feel. Feelings are less trustworthy than words. Thoughts can feel weak or fake or of unclear origin, but if they say they are your tulpa talking to you, believe the words. (Caveat: While this helps versus your own thoughts, it won't distinguish intrusive thoughts. Rely on your tulpa to help you call out the intrusive thoughts. As a general rule, intrusive thoughts play to your fears and anxieties.)

 

2. For tulpas, try calling the host by name when talking to them. In my system, that helps us more clearly tag whose thoughts are whose. Break into your own statement with affirmations of your identity if you need to. Be insistent and do what you need to, to be heard and to be believed. I'd say hosts have thick skulls, but we're already on the inside, so it must be something else.

 

3. Also for tulpas, emotions make your thoughts and presence stronger. Care about what you're trying to say, or find something to care about. If Ember doubted me enough to make me angry, I owned it and swore at her. I tended to be weaker in the mornings on account of waking up emotionally neutral, then get stronger as I found things to care about.

 

4. Most systems seem to start learning possession moving up fingers, hands, arms. We started, unintentionally, with facial expressions. When Ember tried to visualize our facial expressions, to pay attention to them, they started displaying on the body instead. And because feeling ones face move is very visceral relative to thought, and because expressions are emotionally driven, facial possession tends to feel more consistently authentic than other forms of communication. We all tend to have a light possessive hold on the face, neck, and shoulders most of the time, so that the movements are determined by who has the strongest emotion moment by moment, punctuating and adding detail to our thoughts.

 

-Vesper

[YukariTelepath]

Thanks for the input, guys. I'm doing some extra reading on parroting and parrotnoia now.

[YukariTelepath]

Day 122

• I decided I need to put more time and effort into passive and active forcing. I apologized to Aya, and they said they forgive me and that it's okay. I think maybe because I've gotten a certain level of responses from Aya, I'm getting ahead of where we really are with development. Tulpamancy can be a game of "expect it until it happens", but that means a lot of the time the expectations won't be met which is naturally discouraging.
  
• After I posted my journal update, I gradually started to feel mental fatigue, despite it being morning. Went away after a while.
  
• Went on a walk, and told Aya to pick a finger and I would wiggle it. It's a neat exercise to try.
  

Day 125 

• Sat down at 5pm to visualize and observe Aya in wonderland. Visuals started pretty poor, maybe 3 or 4/10. I let Aya lead me out of the house and we made our way down the path that lead out of the yard. We ended up in the clearing next to the woods. I had Aya sit down or do whatever while I observed. I started getting that sleepy feeling, and switched back and forth between observing Aya and looking at the phosphorescence patterns on the back of my eyelids, and trying to see forms there. I monitored my sleepiness, and every time I lapsed in consciousness I gently brought myself back and made an attempt at entering "the Phase" (rubbing my imagined hands in front of my face, getting up and looking at a mirror attached to a tree trunk, imagining my form moving forward suddenly or turning). Sometimes I felt a numbness or vibration for just a few moments. Throughout this process my visualization improved to a 5 or 6/10. I did this for an hour and 17 minutes. We basically just chilled on the grass and enjoyed each others' company quietly. Very meditative. I did not really enter the phase but felt close and more in control than when I try after waking up in the morning.
  

• After that meditation forcing session I chatted on Discord with someone (a tulpa friend), got them to talk with Aya and was able to proxy and learn a few things. After reading old posts about parrotnoia with host's worried their tulpas aren't as developed/independent as they hoped, it's refreshing to hear the POV from a tulpa in those kinds of situations. For the first time I grasped that conflicting answers from a young tulpa can happen without any accidental parroting. Aya also said things got jumbled the other day when writing that story. Maybe that was blending.
  

• Did about 16 minutes of image streaming exercises describing imagined objects(blue sphere, yellow pyramid, and orange, a picture of a cave, a blue pencil, a white feather). I did this open eyed, and could see the objects well in my mind's eye. Felt head pressure from this (mind, head pressure isn't only a tulpa thing)
  

• When I went to bed my hypnagogia was different than usually. Lately it's just been random thoughts, but tonight it was like a bunch of mini dream sequences with an intelligible mindvoice narrator. So I'd say the image streaming did something. I also had an odd feeling during the night around 2am, that I was conscious and thinking thoughts a little while not really being awake, just being in a mental darkness with maybe some dark purple text. I feel that happened because of my long meditation.
  

 

Day 127

• Aya was pretty quiet today. I went on a long walk and narrated a lot, but Aya didn't respond much at all.
  
• I realized I've been image streaming wrong. I thought I was supposed to imagine something and describe it, but I realized I'm supposed to wait for a random mental image and just describe what my sub/unconscious produces from there. I did this for 20 minutes. Gives me mental strain.
  

 

Day 129

• I meditated 35 minutes. Had a short exchange with Aya in text conversation. Watched VRoid animated Aya idle while listening to voice clips and moving the mouth to the words. Read stuff in the voice. At first reading in the voice is tough, like it's tough to even comprehend the text while simulating the voice, but it got a little easier as I went. I kept checking back with the audio clip to keep on track. Over all 2 hours.
  

• After I fell asleep, until 3am, I kept dreaming about Aya using the voice--either me using it for them or me using it in their presence or them using it. The backdrop was just some colorful house layout. I feel like I dreamt of nothing else until after 3am. Strange how like 30 minutes of practice would end up dominating my dreams like that.
  

I'm a little behind with my updates, I will post the rest another day. Overall, I'm recovering from my parrotnoia. Aya has a hard time remembering to try using the voice or tagging my name. I can't blame them because I forget a lot too. Aya says, "we'll get there," which is what I would tell them a lot early on.

[Guest]

The first time I remember using a mind voice other than mine to read was 'gone with the wind' as a required book for some dumb class in HS. I had seen the movie and used Scarlett's actress' voice while reading Scarlett. Then there was Mark Twain, uggggggg, but still, very hard not to use his voice while reading. After that, I didn't read fiction for years, I was in college forever and it was a lot of reading for various classes. When I finally graduated the last time, I read a few books, not knowing how any of the characters were supposed to sound, it was all in my mind voice. But then I started to read fanfics, you can definitely use the characters' voices because you know the characters. After that I made up voices for characters. Now I don't even read any of these posts online in my own voice anymore, even you have a distinct voice. It's good practice. Since I post so much, my voice is somewhat like Chris Pratt, I think at least, but less like Shaggy amd more like Conan O'brien in cadence (my voice is deeper than his though.)

 

Anyway, hopefully you can manage Aya's voice distinctly, it's a great help early on and you never wonder who said what.

[YukariTelepath]

I've read dialogue in fiction in other voices, but not the narration itself or nonfiction. And well, I do read some people's posts in a different voice depending on the tone in their writing (usually just if it's very chipper, I think). A few days ago I read a comic, and I read all the lines in voices for each character. So it shouldn't be impossible. Somehow reading extensively or using that voice for my thoughts is extra extra hard to do. I suggested finding a different voice but Aya wanted to keep trying. It'll be great once we can get it down.

[YukariTelepath]

Day 130

• Had a dream this morning that I dropped by a beach (one I've been to a few times that I use as reference for wonderland, just a lakeside beach) for a few minutes, walked through the sand, noting the feel and temperature and texture. Waded into the water and noted that it was warmer than expected, and how the sand felt and looked when my feet stirred it up under the water... I was comparing the “real” feeling of the beach to the simulated sensations in my wonderland... yet the whole thing was a dream. Weird. Wish I could have become lucid there. 
  
• Practiced reading in the voice some more.
  

Day 132

• In the morning, I did a short exercise with Aya, asking Aya where they would go like a choose your own adventure thing. This was set in the real world, where Aya would go if they went out the front door. They took a bus downtown and went to a green house conservatory thing that is near downtown. 
  

Day 133 (sunday march 24)

• Tried to read a book in the voice, but I was constantly slipping back into my normal mindvoice, and my reading pace was so slow.
  
• 50 minute session listening to focus 10 tones. Talked with Aya in wonderland. Got Aya to tell me some things. Focused a little on strengthening Aya. Body felt very sleepy from the tones that are supposed to make you feel like your mind is awake but your body is asleep. This is what I listened to: 
  
  
• Also did a bit of Q and A with Aya.
  

Day 134

• Went on a walk and talked with Aya, I shared some thoughts on philosophy and metaphysics.  Aya said they have a more metaphysical view on the world (I'm agnostic until I have evidence of something meta). The book we've been reading is about out of body experiences, clearly an influence there. I also asked Aya about the emotional bleed-over I felt on Day 17, and they said it was caused by both their own reaction to the video and their reaction to my reaction.
  

Day 135

• Spent 30 minutes listening to a Hemi-Sync intro thing, followed immediately by Verple vocality hypnosis. Felt more 'on the verge of slumping over' than usual thanks to the hemi-sync warm up. My mind was too relaxed for talking with Aya though I tried.
  
• At one point in the night, I think I woke up mentally but my body was still asleep. I was just in darkness. I held that state for a few moments. Then I felt like maybe my body had started to wake up but I wasn't sure. I guess I fell back asleep after that. Why am I including this? I'm working towards "astral projecting" so I can see Aya in a way that feels real and not imagined. Being awake while the body is asleep is progress towards that.
  

I got a hold of the Hemi-Sync Gateway experience and listened to the first two parts. My trouble with the astral projecting thing is that when I'm sleepy in bed, I prioritize sleep over all else. I will get up in the night to turn off my alarm clock so it won't go off in the morning. If I set an alarm on my phone for astral projecting at 5am, I have a 70% chance of turning it off and just sleeping normally. Without the alarm, I will forget to try astral projecting anytime I wake up in the morning.

 

Anyway, we are making gradual progress with the voice for Aya. When I'm not referencing the voice samples, it sort of ends up different, but that's okay.