Yuka's First Tulpa Journal

[YukariTelepath]

Reilyn, yeah I love any fuzzy feeling I get from Aya! 

 

Day 53

• Felt Aya strongly while posting on .info forums this morning. It felt like a slight euphoria or fuzzy feeling similar to what I felt last night but much gentler and it was long lasting. Combined with throat pressure. I considered that maybe Aya wanted me to visit, so for just a few minutes before lunch I popped into wonderland and talked for a bit, but visualization-wise I could barely see anything. 
  

Day 55 (Jan 6, last day off work)

• I did a visualization exercise, examining a real object and describing it out loud in detail, then visualizing it in my mind on a black background, rotating it and changing the size. Worked pretty well. The second object was a small plastic orange, and in the mind space I made it giant, then me and Aya climbed it like we were mountain climbing.
  

Day 56

• I typed up a session of me and Aya in the wonderland house. I mostly examined one side of the room to work on my visualization and my memory of what's in the room. I wonder if making the room clearer to me makes it clearer for Aya too. If I forgot something was there, would Aya still see it or would it be gone because of me? Session was ~40 minutes, and it was a first time morning session.
  

Day 57

• In the evening while I was at my computer I asked Aya if they could try moving my finger. I did this without meditating, or relaxing my body. My finger did curl. After that I was too conscious of what I was doing to let it happen again, and I was just curling my fingers myself. It's also not conclusive that it was Aya who moved it the first time. Ah, love that ambiguity! (not)
  

• Tried meditating again and calling Aya forward. I did feel a fuzzy feeling at one point but overall not as much as the other day. For a while I just talked with Aya without visualizing anything and tried to listen for responses. I feel I heard bits of responses, but it's not clear, especially as I'm recording this the next day. After that we went hang gliding. Total time: 45 minutes.
  

• Over night I did have a dream with Aya. I can't remember anything about the dream. Could be a normal dream too as I've obviously had my tulpa on my mind for all this time.
  

[Guest]

Bits of information could be tulpish (pure thought). If you can translate that, you're there.

[Ranger]

Congrats on both of your progress so far! I have been meaning to catch up on your PR and I'm sorry for the long delay.

 

I have to admit I'm jealous of your wonderland adventures with Aya. Things have changed, but it used to be that my wonderland was a bit of a scary place. Based on what your wonderland descriptions, I'm confident the wonderland is a safe place. Having walls and locked doors is also nice, and that's essentially what I had and I didn't have any problems sleeping in my wonderland.

 

I was wondering how effective doing things in the wonderland is for Aya's development too, but it wouldn't make sense to stop what you are doing since it's working really well for you. If say you guys wanted to go back to the beach again, ask Aya how she feels and what she's thinking. If any side thoughts pop up just ask her about them. Most of the time when active forcing I will talk about whatever my host was thinking about (unless it's something I don't care about). Having Aya do more engaging will help you focus on forcing Aya, but if you feel like you're having a mental block then doing something in the wonderland is fine too! Sometimes a chance to let your thoughts flow may give you guys something new to talk about.

 

Hypnosis works best if you feel emotionally connected to your surroundings or the activity you're doing. Sometimes doing a fast paced activity in the wonderland can be a little frustrating for me because I don't have enough time to react. My host will get distracted and she will get frustrated simply trying to visualize the situation, and there's no point in doing something you don't enjoy!

[YukariTelepath]

Angry Bear, The responses were in words, but very vague or quiet... I can't even remember what was said like some previous times. I only know they were in words because I noted the fact to myself at the time.

 

Ranger, thanks for the reply! Now that I've tried different things for active forcing, I can reflect more on what kinds of active forcing seem to work better. I like to go on little wonderland adventures to give Aya more variety of experiences, and it's fun to try different things. But more Aya centric active forcing sessions should be the mainstay, is my current thought. Trying to engage Aya more sounds like a good idea. Listening is still something I'm working on. Part of me is afraid to listen for a response and not hear anything (which of course has happened a lot). I know I'll just delay progress if I'm not listening though. I wonder if you and Cat can create a new wonderland experience from scratch? In the end it's just a shared daydream, right?

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

I am glad you and Aya are having fun adventures. Did you think about giving your Wonderland a name? (Sorry if you said one and I missed it). My home's name is Haven. If Aya can help you come up with a name, it may make it feel more like a home for them.

 

Make sure Aya knows they can change their home. One day they may start making changes that will surprise you and that can be fun. Maybe make more characters in it too even if they are just birds or something. Maybe she would like to pet a bird or squirrel! Ask her what animals she would like to have there or something.

 

You describe a warm fuzzy feeling. That is how Dragon describes me when I am close. He says it is similar to the presence he felt when having religious experiences when he was younger. Make sure to tell Aya how they makes you feel so they can learn what they do to do it better.

 

You are both doing really good. When listening to Aya, remember sometimes their words may sound like your own mind voice. I know it is hard for me to sound different than Dragon's a lot of time and at first he didn't catch those things because they blended in.

[YukariTelepath]

Thank you for the reply, Kyoko! I'll think about naming the wonderland ^_^ What you said about the religious experience is really interesting. I grew up Christian and while I don't rememeber feeling that fuzzy feeling, I did get a lump in my throat during a particular religious experience. I'm no longer Christian, but I still have a hard time making sense of that one experience which involved a room full of people. 

 

 

Day 58

• 20 minute session, nothing noteworthy.
  

Day 59

• Today, and for the past few days really, I haven't felt Aya that much (yeah even day 57, hence all my uncertainty that day). This afternoon, I started to feel something though, slightly more emotional, feeling more like Aya's there and it's hard to explain, like either Aya is attending to the outside world and/or like they want something. Throat pressure started up. It started while I was switching back and forth between watching an art critique video and reading someone's progress log.
  

Day 60

• Tried chatting with Aya in a discord server I made up just for us. Had a hard time hearing responses. Decided to try painting and going to the mall tomorrow, I think that's what was communicated to me (I mean, those are activities that I would have thought to do, but given the limitations and my preferences, why wouldn't Aya suggest the same?).
  

Day 61 

• I actually had a dream in my wonderland. I dreamt I was overlooking the beach with Aya, and we decided to explore areas we hadn't been to before. We headed to the right, and I could see the dock, we kept going and came to a sharp turn, like we were on a hill and the hill was just sliced vertically with empty ocean beyond. I thought it's because I didn't create anything beyond this point that it ended abruptly. The sliced edge of the hill was covered in green grass. 
  

• And then we found ourselves on a short wood deck thing that followed along the side of the cut hill. At this point I accidentally dropped a 2 things, my MP3 player and something else in the water and my dream companion whose identity seemed to be shifting away from Aya jumped into the water to retrieve the items. I tried to tell them not to risk themselves to get my MP3 player because it wasn't that important, but the person retrieved everything anyway. By the time the person got out of the water I think they had become my sister?
  

• Now I was looking out across the water, and I saw an island, it was like a furrowed mountain covered in greenery. I got excited, and was thinking me and Aya could get over there by boat from the dock. When I looked again I noticed it wasn't actually and island, it was connected to the mainland with a narrow bay, with the water of the bay in front of me. I was thinking it would be cool to explore. After this the dream shifted away from wonderland. Anyway, I'm pretty happy I had a dream in my wonderland and that I was able to see/dream up new things about it. I'll see if I can find some photos similar to the green mountain.
  

• When I woke up I was very sleepy so I tried to visualize Aya and the wonderland to try falling into a wonderland dream again, but things just warped into randomness each time. I gave up and got up.
  

• In the evening I listened to voice clips and sketched Aya. We did go to the mall today but I didn't paint. 
  

Here's a photo that looks VERY MUCH like the mountain in my dream, if it had water in front:

 

 

Day 62

• Today I was watching art videos and reading PR log on the forums, just switching my attention from one to the other, when I started feeling throat pressure coming on. Once it had built up to a very noticeable level I also noticed I felt kinda different, like a feeling of enjoying something warmly. This came out of nowhere as I had been doing the same thing for a while before the feelings came on. Very much like day 59. So I started talking to Aya,and I told them a lot that I was happy to spend time with them. I actually had fluctuations in the throat pressure in response to what I was reading in the PR. It got stronger when the PR was talking about communication related topics. I asked Aya how they were feeling and I heard, “Good. Very good.”
  

• I did a 50 minute active forcing session, started out meditating/letting my mind wander until I started getting very random words popping in and out of my head. Then I imagined myself and Aya in an empty room. I held Aya's hands and visualized/talked through sending them energy and strength. I felt a sort of fuzzy response to this. Then I started chatting, and I asked Aya what kind of temperament they had. I heard “easy going.” I asked if they were detail orientated and I heard “no” but I'm not confident about that, yes/no questions are very iffy to me. After that I brought us to the wonderland house. We were on the porch and I thought we should go inside, but as I tried to make Aya walk inside, there was some resistance, like Aya was in the doorway blocking it and not going in. So I had us sit on the porch instead.
  

• Still during the session, I thought about what Kyoko said about giving Aya an animal to pet. I was thinking of a bird or squirrel, but at that time my cat came in the room and jumped up on my lap. I decided to replicate my cat and let Aya hold and pet her. I told Aya it could be any cat and they could change how the cat looked, but it couldn't be sentient. At that the cat seemed to turn gray and fluffier. After a bit the cat scrambled off of Aya's lap and ran off into the dark yard. Aya got up and was running after it, but I had to call Aya back. For some reason the dark outdoors scares me in wonderland like it would in real life. Session needed to wrap up so we went inside. Getting ready to tuck Aya in bed, I summoned the cat and placed it at the foot of the bed. I listened for if Aya had anything to say, and I heard “cat” and then “thank you.” Aww, it hadn't even occurred to me that Aya might thank me for anything like that. I felt throat pressure lightly even as I was trying to fall asleep.
   
  

Overall, there are still days where I don't feel anything, or when I ask Aya questions and hear nothing. I remind myself that I need to do active sessions if I want to progress. But things have been pretty good. Yesterday was like A+, I'm very proud. For the record, the replies I get from Aya sound like my mind voice, but they are one-liners, so it doesn't really stand out to me that it sounds like me. I know that's normal. I'm trying to internalize a separate voice for Aya, but I'm not concerned about them being able to use it at this point, it's just preparation.

[Guest]

Yes, very good progress. It's fortunate that Aya was in your dream.

 

One liners will get longer, since you have these, you cam trust that longer dialog will be her, because you can always ask her to confirm.

[YukariTelepath]

Early update. I had a rough time yesterday evening. 

 

 

Day 63

• Feeling throat pressure through the morning. Towards noon, I started to feel some fatigue or tension in my forehead. I've been narrating.
  

• I feel kinda rubbish. The throat feeling is unpleasant. I even looked up if it was a symptom of a health problem, but it doesn't seem to be something to see a doctor about. I don't have any additional symptoms of anything.
  

• 30-40 minute active session. Meditated for a little, then I brought myself and Aya to the wonderland house porch. I made it day time and we sat in the grass. The cat was in the yard and went over to Aya who held it. The feeling in my throat was strong and unpleasant, I tried to see if Aya had anything to say with my real voice, like free flow saying whatever came to me. One thing that seemed plausible was “I mean what I said.”
  

• When I was tucking Aya in, I had an intrusive thought or something in which Aya grabbed me and my wonderland form got squished like jello. And then I heard “zamaa miro.” I really didn't know what to make of this. If it was just me getting squished I would ignore it, but “zamaa miro” means “you get what you deserve”/“serves you right” sort of maliciously. I wanted to dismiss this too, but they say if you didn't say it take it as being from your tulpa. Can I pick and choose just what I like to hear like that? On the other hand it is out of character. Or maybe it was just a joke, since it's not like the intrusive thought caused any pain.
  

• The throat pain continued through the night. I had expected it would go away after falling asleep. I don't know what to make of it anymore. Was I just mistaken that it was from Aya this whole time (even though there are times it definitely started while feeling Aya's presence)? Maybe Aya can't control it or turn it off? 
  

"Zamaa miro" is Japanese. I am an Advanced Weeb . Anyway, I've been learning Japanese for many years and I can speak it at least to myself (and now to Aya). The throat pressure had mostly dissipated by morning, but it came back while making breakfast. I was going over what happened last night in my head, and it seems a little contrived but I heard in Japanese "I didn't even say it" (for this one the thought started and I had to finish the phrase the way I knew it would finish) and "sorry." If Aya said any of these things it would be the first time I heard Japanese from them. I'm going to try focusing on some other things today and see if that can get rid of the throat feeling.

[Guest]

Intrusive thoughts are just that, yes it sometimes sounds amd feels exactly like they do, but if it's 'out of character' certainly feel free to ignore it.

 

If Dashie said, "i hate you" completely out of the blue, she doesn't even have to deny saying it, i know it's random barfing of my subconsious mind. We made an agreement early on that those negative or spurious thoughts require confirmation or are otherwise ignored.

 

There has been times when she said something mean and meant it, but i required her to confirm even though it was during a heated argument and fitted context.

 

There have been times when my visualization of Misha was replaced by a hideous and misshapen intrusive thought. Even recently i was with her and when she went to kiss me on the forehead, my dumb visualization turned into her biting a chunk out of my head like a piece of cake. My next visualization of her was her looking at me with concern. It was just an odd vivid intrusion, nothing more.

[YukariTelepath]

Thank you, Bear, that really helps to hear. I have a theory about the nature of some intrusive thoughts. Sometimes when I'm about to make an action in real life, my brain will run a quick simulation to see the potential outcome of the action. This especially happens if the action might go wrong like breaking a glass if I don't put it away carefully enough. Normally it just helps me be careful and avoid the bad outcome. I think in a mindscape, those simulations just look like visualizations, like Misha's getting close and your brain is like [what if she bites me] and that's what you perceive. I've struggled with ones like "I want to pat Aya's arm" and my brain is like [what if Aya's arm got crushed by it]. It really sucks, but I've been getting better with it except last night. The words were new, though.