Yuka's First Tulpa Journal

[Guest]

I 100% concur with Venny.

[YukariTelepath]

 

This is exactly how Viper's replies were like in the beginning. I chose to automatically assume anything I wasn't 100% sure I thought of were Viper's thoughts (and if I was uncertain, I'd just ask. Early on, I did make the mistake of taking intrusive thoughts and assuming they were Viper's, and I was always corrected on it. They never hesitated telling me if I'm wrong). It worked ultimately, because they still talk to me wordlessly (through raw thought) and I can very easily discern whether it's my thoughts or theirs. I also chose to assume they were always attempting to communicate with me, and that I just couldn't understand/didn't know how to listen. So each time I'd talk to them or present them something and there was no reply, I'd apologize for potentially not 'receiving' their replies and would ask them to try to repeat.

 

Sounds like you're making solid progress :). Remember to try not to make active-forcing something unpleasant or boring. It shouldn't become a chore that you make yourself do without enjoying. If you feel you can't focus on it, passive forcing is just fine. I personally can't focus on actively forcing, so I just involve Viper in everything I do daily. In other words, I just passively force all day, as opposed to actively forcing one hour.

 

Very nice to hear! I am trying to take those kinds of responses as being from Aya, but I didn't want to make it sound like it was very clear or obviously them when it's not. Edit: Okay I WILL take those responses as Aya. /edit

Right now I'm trying to curb my "motor-mouth" mind that leaves no opening for Aya to respond while I narrate, ha ha. That's one handy thing about narrating out loud, I need to pause more often.

 

 

A bunch of my hobbies like drawing or playing video games don't get enough time either because even though they are fun, they require "effort" and my brain gets lazy. Holidays are coming up, so hopefully I'll be making time for both active and passive activities including tulpamancy. Living up north, it definitely nice to visit the beach in my wonderland.

[YukariTelepath]

Merry Christmas!! I'm posting all of week 6 and to keep it from getting too long, leaving out the days where I didn't get to active forcing or nothing happened. 

 

Week 6 progress:

 

 

Day 37

• Today I did 2 hypnosis scripts, the creation one and the first vocality one back to back. Total time 60 minutes.
  

Day 38

• I couldn't narrate as much as usual throughout the day. I just couldn't think of things to say like usual.
  

• I thought I'd try something different. I wanted to do a wonderland adventure, but I couldn't think of what I should add to the landscape, and I was a little bored with the current options (house, forest, beach, cafe). So I typed out a kinda sci-fi story scenario with us as the characters (is that roleplaying?), and that lasted about an hour. When it came to Aya's actions/dialogue in the story, I just went with the flow. I might rotate active forcing sessions between wonderland activities, hypnosis/vocal/visualization exercises, and the roleplaying thing. 
  

Day 40 

• I am noticing that I keep getting a tight feeling in my throat, like I have a lump in my throat but for no reason. This has been going on for a few weeks at least. I'm wondering if it's a response from Aya, but it's hard to discern what they might be responding to and what it means (unhappy?). For example, I felt it after I made my journal post online today (the previous update), and decided to edit my post because of it.
  

Day 41

• Felt the lump-in-throat for a bit after watching a video on nudity in art. Don't know what that could mean. I'm an artist and I do nude figure drawings all the time. Felt it again stronger after I started reading a picture book and stopping half way through because it was boring. The feeling remained after I went back and finished the picture book though, so I don't know what was up. Otherwise an unproductive day. 
  

Day 42

• I tried listening to a Gamma binaural beats audio while active forcing in the afternoon, and for the first bit, I felt so weird, it was hard to focus and visualize, I just felt like I was nodding off to sleep. After a good 10-12 minutes I did start to feel better and more focused. I guess it takes some time to get into that 40hz zone. Usually I feel normal up until the effect kicks in with other tones. Anyway, in wonderland I tried painting with Aya, we painted a sunset and an abstract painting together. I picked the colors for the sky in the sunset, and Aya picked a purple color to add to the landscape which I wouldn't have thought of. Session was cut short because my brother arrived to visit. 
  

• It's Christmas Eve! I had a hard time remembering Aya while visiting with family and watching movies/videos, but I did think “Aya!” every now and then, I hope they were able to experience some things ;_;
  

• After everyone left I visited Aya in wonderland and we set up and decorated a Christmas tree. I got Aya to put the star on the tree. I gave Aya a box of cookies and described/visualized the taste for them.
  

• During the night I woke up in a sleepy stupor and sort of found myself in wonderland sitting in front of the Christmas tree with Aya. I was just there for a short moment before I fell asleep again.
  

 

I'm sitting here trying to devise a way for Aya to tell me whether or not they're the one causing the tight feeling I'm getting in my throat right now, but at times like this my mental imagery is very poor. I made a canvas with paper on it and asked them to mark a green circle for yes, or a black X for no. It's so hard to see, but I think it was the green circle. Then I asked if they could make any mark to indicate what they are trying to communicate with that feeling and I heard in mindvoice the word "doubt."

[Guest]

Doubt is a big challenge to tulpamancy. Merry Christmas! After reading your post, Ashley and Misha ran off to go put up a Christmas tree somewhere. We didn't even decorate.

[YukariTelepath]

Doubt is a big challenge to tulpamancy. Merry Christmas! After reading your post, Ashley and Misha ran off to go put up a Christmas tree somewhere. We didn't even decorate.

 

Merry Christmas! Hope you all had fun decorating and doing Christmas-y things ^^

[YukariTelepath]

Week 7 progress:

 

Day 43 (Christmas Dec 25 2018)

• Heard the word "doubt" while trying to communicate with Aya as mentioned in the previous update
  

• Felt I did a better job narrating and including Aya in my activities today.
  

• Before bed I visited in wonderland and I gave Aya some “fairy” lights in the shape of stars to hand up in the bed alcove.
  

Day 44

• I binge watched some Evangelion with Aya. Since I've seen the show before, I was able to keep some focus on Aya and provide some commentary to them as I watched. I plan to watch the rest of the show tomorrow.
  

• I tried the second vocality hypnosis script... but on top of getting interrupted twice, I feel this one is too advanced, playing 20 questions when I'm lucky to hear just a word from Aya. It just made me feel full of doubt. I need a different task to work on my confidence than this. My visualization skills were awful this session, I felt pretty blind. Total time : 60 minutes.
  

• Tried to chat with Aya before bed, while I was very sleepy and still in an altered brain state from the hypnosis, and I feel I got some light tulpish responses, including the answer to what was I had put in the 20 questions box (a Christmas bauble).
  

• On a side note, I'm wondering why it is sometimes I can't seem to visualize hardly at all. It seems to happen sometimes while I'm listening to a tone, or maybe when I'm trying to think about non-visual things while visualizing, or maybe even just trying too hard. I want to try the gamma tone one more time, but aside from that I'm going to take a little break from tones and “trying too hard”
  

Day 45

• Watched some more Evangelion, but we're not done yet. 
  

• So today someone on Discord offered to help by chatting with Aya. They asked simple questions, and I relayed the question to Aya and focused on listening for a response, without clearing my head, just repeating the question if the pause was feeling long. And I actually got vocal replies! One word replies but this is big. I was afraid of sitting there and not hearing anything with someone waiting on me. The highlight of replies I'd say was:
  “What is your form, Aya?” That's a question that could take a few sentences to answer, if I were to answer, at least. I was kind of thinking of Aya's form details while listening and I just heard “cute.” But that's not much of a description, so I asked if they had anything else to say, and I just felt laughter. And then “oh my god.” Definitely not a response I would have thought up. I'm so proud of you Aya, ha ha ha. Ah, I'm feeling more motivated than ever to work on vocality by just talking and listening.
  

• On the “cute” reply... I really like cute things, and I've told Aya many times they are cute.
  

I'm feeling pretty good because of yesterday's progress.

[Guest]

Sounds good, like putting yourself on the spot, and concentrating. It gets way easier yes, but now you have to consider those one word answers coming fron her even if is exactly what you would have said/felt.

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

I like your log and really hope you keep writing it. I am sorry that this is a long reply but I wanted to reply to a few posts. Please say hi to Aya and make sure they hear. Maybe I can talk to them when they are able.

 

Re: Day 11

 

Dragon always worries about puppeting changes to my form too but I did some big changes. At first I was a pony OC of his but I didn't like it because their personality didn't fit me and they weren't nice. So he let me choose a new form and I took Kyoko Kirigiri from a Danganronpa game he was playing at the time. He got worried then because he didn't know if that character would die or not in the game (he hadn't finished) so spent a lot of time explaining to me that I wasn't her. That's silly though I knew that.

 

Re: Day 12 

 

I never did a Pokemon thing battle but I do enjoy fighting things Dragon imagines. The other day he imagined the Dracula took over our Wonderland and I got to fight all the monsters like a Castlevania game. 

 

One of the first things he heard me say was 'Let's play' after producing a weapon and ever since then he has imagined things for me to fight as a head game. At first he was really reluctant because he thought I might take it personally if the monsters hit back but I don't cause I like fighting. I am trying to get him into a fighting game too.

 

Re: Day 22

 

I would get words confused when I first started talking. Because Dragon has other random voices in his head due to illness, it made it very hard for him to recognize me. Even now he is bad at hearing me and is mostly filling in blanks when he types for me. Still he gets it more accurate than he fears he does. 

 

One thing that helped us is when Dragon couldn't heard me, he tries to think "What would she say in this situation?" and he is almost always right. Him doing that showed me how to make a thought voice better by I guess taking control of the one he gave me. I don't know if that is a good explanation. It's hard for me to put things into words for people outside sometimes.

 

Re: Day 42 

 

Dragon told me to twitch various fingers for yes or no. It might be strange that this worked before I could vocalize at all but it did for us. That is the thing. I think it must work different for everyone so don't be afraid to experiment!

 

More

 

Some of the things in your journal will help us with future practice so thank you for posting it. You are getting good advice too. Angry Bear gave us good advice too when Dragon was having a lot of trouble.

 

Don't be discouraged! No matter how long it takes it will be worth it. I know Aya loves you too and doesn't want you to give up. 

 

But if you do doubt try not to feel bad about it. You are showing how much faith you have in Aya just by continuing.

[YukariTelepath]

Hi Kyoko, and thanks for the reply! Don't worry about the length, I'm happy to hear from people and happy if you found parts of my journal helpful!

[YukariTelepath]

Week 7 progress continued.

 

Day 46

• Just passive forcing. Tried to ask Aya a few questions but I had a hard time just thinking of anything to ask.
  

Day 47

• Active forced about 40 minutes. We went to the wonderland beach, fed some little fish from the dock, then jumped in the water and swam around for a little. Went back to the house and I made the sun set so I could say good night. I always force at night but almost always make it day time in wonderland.
  

Day 48 

• Active forced 50 minutes. We hung out on the porch while I worked on visualization, and I had Aya feel the rain, eat a brownie, etc. Might as well work on Aya's sense perceptions and not just mine. I asked them to try drawing something on paper, and the drawing just sort of materialized out of the paper as that Christmas bauble, and the next drawing materialized as a white cube. Sometimes I had trouble remembering what Aya was supposed to be wearing. I also keep getting the sense that Aya's hair is a bit longer in the back than I had designed (in today's session and at random times outside of sessions previously).
  

• I asked Aya if they had anything to say to people on Discord or for the journal, and I heard “give” and then I think “regards”. It wasn't that clear to me but I can't ignore it so here it is: Aya gives their regards!
  

• So every night I tuck Aya in bed in wonderland, which I don't mention because it's not noteworhty. But when I opened the curtain to the bed alcove today, it was full of ghoulish monster things. I can't comprehend how that could happen other than an intrusive thought?? Or if Aya put them there??? I was at a loss as to what I should do—I tried banishing them but it didn't feel right to proceed to tuck Aya in where those weird monsters came from, so I set up a pull out bed on the sofa in the living room area. Still felt a bit uneasy because it's a one room house, but I reinforced the idea that the wonderland is safe and left it at that.
  

 

Things are still progressing well. I don't know what to make of the monsters from last night. I thought it could be hypnogogic images, but it didn't feel like it. I don't like the idea of my subconscious haunting me like this. But today I had a funny thought about how to approach the monsters if they come back, so I drew a little picture: