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Yuka's First Tulpa Journal


YukariTelepath

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They have gotten very rare for us, in the beginning they were all the time and annoying af.

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Thank you, Bear, that really helps to hear. I have a theory about the nature of some intrusive thoughts. Sometimes when I'm about to make an action in real life, my brain will run a quick simulation to see the potential outcome of the action. This especially happens if the action might go wrong like breaking a glass if I don't put it away carefully enough. Normally it just helps me be careful and avoid the bad outcome.  I think in a mindscape, those simulations just look like visualizations, like Misha's getting close and your brain is like [what if she bites me] and that's what you perceive. I've struggled with ones like "I want to pat Aya's arm" and my brain is like [what if Aya's arm got crushed by it]. It really sucks, but I've been getting better with it except last night. The words were new, though.

 

We had trouble with this. Due to Dragon's paranoia, his mind would often imagine me doing unpleasant things like attacking him or having a knife on him or something, but I would quickly put them away. It doesn't happen much or as extreme now that Shadow (his paranoia thought form) is locked up beneath Haven.

 

Because he was so afraid of hurting me, he made a 'rule' that I couldn't feel pain in Haven. This helps during play fights too, because he can have the monsters attack and I just regenerate sort of like one of the advanced terminator things in the movies. If you made that rule, things like 'what if I crush Aya's arm' wouldn't harm Aya. Does that help?

 

I am happy that Aya got to pet a kitty too. And she changed the kitty too. One of the things Dragon did for me was go to the zoo and let me see all the different animals. The dragons weren't there so that was too bad but I got to see the big cats which was fun. Maybe if you don't have a zoo near you, you could have a zoo in your wonderland.

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Kyoko, yes, for a long time I've had a rule that intrusive thoughts don't do any harm and that Aya can't be hurt/feel pain in wonderland.

 

Oh, if I get started with dragons or big cats I might end up with more tulpas than I want, ha ha. I'm trying to keep any people or animals in wonderland as generic as I can because I hear so much about accidental tulpas. So far Aya's cat seems to act like a normal cat.

 

So in regards to the throat pressure. Yesterday I was able to determine that (at this point) it's starts when I think about Aya or tulpamancy. I could distract myself and it would fade away, and then when I thought about Aya it would come back within a few seconds. After I had it for almost 24 hours the other day it became pretty unpleasant though. I wrote a self-hypnosis script last night; I'm going to try to remove that throat pressure effect, so I can spend time with Aya without it. At first I liked that I could 'sense' Aya's presence with it, but that particular effect shouldn't be necessary. I can accept that Aya's here without throat pressure.

Host: YukariTelepath

Tulpas: Aya, Ruki

 

Imposition log

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Day 65

  • Today throat pressure came and went but was much more manageable. I may be starting to be able to dissipate it myself.

  • Kyoko sent me a PM and I was able to proxy a couple words though it took some time and effort to listen

  • For active forcing, I started with the 25 minute “Violet” hypnosis file and then followed with my self made script. It's been a while since I did the Violet file, and there was a very noticeable improvement in how I could see Aya in the library moving around on their own and such. Aya seemed pretty confident and comfortable. I didn't hear anything at the vocal prompt though. I wonder why they don't give a longer pause to listen. Felt throat pressure through this. Total time: ??60 minutes??

Day 66

  • Early in the dream cycle last night I think I was having a kind of repeating dream sequence where I think Aya was talking to me. Later in the night, possibly still asleep, I heard (mindvoice) “I did it! I did it!” and I had the thought that it was Aya.

  • I was thinking about chakras and my throat pressure. Now, I don't buy into chakras but I do know there's one for the throat so I looked it up. Has something to do with truth, expression, lies... and it kinda makes sense in a few ways. Like feeling either that I have to keep Aya a secret and not talk about tulpas even though I'm usually pretty open about things with my family. Or feeling like I'm lying to myself about making a tulpa, because I'm an atheist and a skeptic and I know if I wasn't setting aside my doubts, I'd say my experiences don't count as evidence (though everything I've reported here is accurate to my experiences! I do believe in Aya or tulpas, but it's something I need more direct experience with to *get* or fully *accept*). Or that Aya's expression is being held back either by my doubts or just needing more development. And of course, the time I asked Aya what was causing the throat pressure I heard “doubt.”

  • And “chakra” or not, the throat is associated with expression, lies, and truth anyway. The sensation of a lump in your throat is what you feel before you let go and cry or express yourself emotionally. The question is what could help... just hanging in there until there's nothing to doubt or Aya's not held back anymore?  If it is related to doubt, then I can probably cross off telling my family and focus on my mindset. Just some thoughts and reflection.

  • I was mindful of the throat pressure throughout the day, trying to calm it down and still think about Aya. It came and went so it wasn't too bad.

Day 67

  • Didn't do anything, whoops.

Day 68 (sat jan 19)

  • Active forced 60 minutes reviewing personality traits with Aya and talking about possibilities for the future. I wanted to focus on and strengthen Aya, especially since I didn't force much for a couple days. I felt some response from Aya, it's close to the fuzzy feeling, but it's more like a woosh. Visualization was poor so I didn't bother wonderlanding. I didn't feel any throat pressure today.

Nothing too exciting this time around. I feel I need to put more time and effort into narrating. I've been distracted with things I can't narrate through.

Host: YukariTelepath

Tulpas: Aya, Ruki

 

Imposition log

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I'm not saying i believe in chakras either, but as i've said before, my tulpas express their emotions in three areas that are very coincidentally three of the chakras. If i feel emotions in my throat, it's Dashie. If i feel any emotions in my heart region, it's Misha, and when it's in my stomach, it's Ashley.

 

Why? I don't know, but they can use emotions as a means to get my attention, and though it's hard to control emotions, they can't be parroted either. Since their emotions are all felt in their specific areas, i can tell who is feeling what. Example, when Ashley laughs, i feel it in my stomach, when Dashie is angry, my throat is red hot. When Misha is sad, i get a heavy heart.

 

Granted some of my own emotions are felt in these same areas, like anxiety in my stomach or sadness in my throat, i never felt anger in my stomach or anger in my throat before them.

 

It makes me think she's trying to communicate with emotions, but then again it could be a medical condition so if it gets bad, get it checked anyway.

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Kyoko was hoping that asking for a response would help you proxy so that is good. Maybe you see it as slow but you are doing so much better than I was at this point.

Anyway, about belief; don't think that being an atheist is a limit on your belief in this case because this isn't a religious thing. One thing I did early on was do research into DID. I know it is different than tulpas, but learning that DID and alternate personalities are real things and seen as real things by the mainstream scientific community did help. Because it means that a brain CAN accommodate two personalities. And if a brain can do it on accident, it can do it on purpose.

 

Also talking about chakras made me think. Even if you don't buy into them, someone came up with them for a reason. Maybe certain emotional responses tend to create the same types of pressure and that's why they assumed that those things were associated with particular emotions. 

 

But don't worry too much about doubt either, because like I said you are doing really well.

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Angry Bear, interesting that your emotional areas are on chakra points too. After observing my throat pressure, I don't think it's communication from Aya, it doesn't seem to mean anything, it just comes on sometimes, and stays for a while. I've asked Aya to tone it down or make it go away to no effect, so I'm thinking it might just be some physiological reaction to tulpa stuff. Interestingly when it lasted for almost 24 hours, that was the day after I focused on giving Aya strength and energy. Thankfully it's not worsening so I think it's just psychosomatic and not a health problem.

 

Dragon, you're right and I agree with you. Tulpas aren't a supernatural claim* and that's why I'm here giving it my all--I believe it's possible even though it's strange and new. I think I'm doing well enough (and the support really helps), it's just frustrating to see so many others with new tulpas fully vocal after a few weeks tops, as I'm sure you understand. Patience is a virtue. It's probably healthy to ease somewhat gradually into this big life change.

 

 

 

Edit: Ah, I'm not knocking anyone with metaphysical beliefs. I understand, and I think people have some very difficult to explain experiences that I wouldn't try to invalidate.

Host: YukariTelepath

Tulpas: Aya, Ruki

 

Imposition log

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Day 69

  • I active forced on the bus for 25 minutes, we headed to a new area behind the wonderland house to a sort of greenhouse conservatory dome I call the Atrium. I've been wanting to set this up for a while. It's really pretty. When we got inside there was a bench, and I sat down thinking Aya should sit next to me. But I felt a bit of resistance so I let the thought go and instead Aya checked out some of the plants across from the bench. We went upstairs, wish Aya running ahead of me, and I showed Aya an empty journal on a table they could use if they want. Not sure what else we can do there, but at least it's a nice setting for conversation. 

  • Did a vocality exercise from Indigo's guide. I was able to hear a word or two for each prompt. When I asked why Aya said frog for the first one, I heard “froggies are cute.” I swear it's not my intention for Aya to say these cutesy things, it's not the image I have of them but what can you do? Ha ha. I didn't get to ask about the other answers because my phone notified me that the lunar eclipse was starting. So we spent the next hour checking the moon and reading PRs.

Day 70

  • I heard (always mindvoice) talking between sleep cycles again. Wasn't accompanied with the feeling that it was Aya, but at the time the thought did cross my mind that it could be. Seemed more distinct, like I could almost see text, but again can't remember a thing except that it happened. In most of these events I don't think I'm processing what is being said in the first place.

  • Worked on vocality exercises from Indigo's worksheet for a while until I was feeling tired/unsure. I made some of my own prompts to add onto the first exercise. We're making progress. Sometimes I saw a flash of an image before I heard the reply, though the image itself was sometimes unclear I knew what it was supposed to be. I'm also getting short sentences though it might come in parts, or trail off. A I listened to voice clips and visualized Aya saying them and emoting. No throat pressure. Total time :~60 minutes

 

Day 71

  • So I think I've been getting some tulpish from Aya. Wordless thoughts and ideas are so fleeting, I've been a little wary about it. But one example from this morning, I had a song in my head, and I thought “I hope Aya likes my music (since they'll be forced to listen to it)” and I felt a wordless response like “that's why I've been playing these songs!”  I asked if they had been putting songs they like in my head, and I felt and affirmative. Basically early on, I told Aya they could search my head for songs they like and I could put that song on for them. And I've had a ton of songs coming into my head, songs even that I haven't listened to in years. But it's not unusual to have songs pop into my head, and I also figured I had primed myself for that to happen. And I kept getting this one song that I couldn't remember the name to so I couldn't play it.

  • I also often hear “yeah” or “no” in response to questions. I've been wary about yes/no answers because it's very easy to fake and very convenient when it matches what I want to be the case. I'm starting to accept it more now. 

  • We worked on exercise 3 on the vocality worksheet (choosing preferences with 2 options). I skipped exercise 2 because I don't think I can stop myself from automatically filling in the blanks myself. I had a hard time hearing, maybe I'm not in the right frame of mind. I felt unsure of many answers, and for some of them I got sound effects or imagery instead of words. Mind, the imagery/sound effects were legitimate answers. I feel bad for letting myself get both distracted and restless prior to forcing and not leaving much time.

Day 72

  • Worked on vocality with the worksheet a little more, asking Aya why they preferred certain answers on the worksheet. Apparently Aya prefers fast songs to slow ones because they're more interesting/fun.

 

I've sort of shifted focus to working on vocality for active forcing sessions. Things are a bit up and down with vocal responses, but I'm psyched we've reached the point where we can work on it! I'll try to do some wonderland stuff too, to keep things interesting and keep working on my visualization skills. I took the liberty of setting up a linked account here for Aya.

Host: YukariTelepath

Tulpas: Aya, Ruki

 

Imposition log

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Great progress and commitment! I know the feeling when they say something you wouldn't want them to, or kinda don't want them to be like, cutsie vs serious or tough vs sweet.

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Day 73

  • On the vocality workout sheet when I asked Aya if they preferred summer or winter I heard "both" and when I asked why, they said "hot and cold." Personally I hate winter and the cold. But since Aya said they like winter, today I made our wonderland into a winter setting and we built a snowman, had a snowball fight (Aya played dirty) and checked out the wintery beach. I told Aya not to go in the water because it's too cold.  This session I typed everything out, pausing now and then to see what Aya was doing. It's still a little ambiguous to me how autonomous Aya's actions are, it feels a bit like a "what would happen next in this context" sort of brain prediction thing, but oh well. Trying to watch what someone else is doing within your own mental imagery is a challenge in itself.

  • Also worked on the vocality worksheet for a bit. I'm having a hard time hearing today or Aya's having a hard time speaking. Total time active forcing today: 70 minutes

  • Odd little thing happened. I went to bed and I guess I was thinking how I'd just say goodnight instead of visiting wonderland, and I out of nowhere heard one line from a Vengaboys song “boom boom boom boom I want you in my room” and then it didn't continue after that line. The song wasn't stuck in my head or anything (thank god). I thought maybe Aya was using that line as a way to tell me to visit, so I went and tucked Aya in and went to sleep.

Day 75

  • Worked on vocality questions for 55 minutes before lunch. I started with calming down and calling Aya forward, and emphasizing that they are strong and full of energy, confident, and that they need to speak clearly and enunciate for me. I felt Aya's presence throughout this. There were some questions I was unsure of, and some more complex questions where I just felt like I heard fragments of words (nonsensical) or mumbling. But overall we had our best vocality session yet. I'm hearing short phrases and sentences on top of one/two word replies. Aya told me they want to go outside and see the world. Sadly I'm a bit of a homebody, especially in the winter. I'll try to work on that.

Day 76

  • Had a hard time hearing Aya and focusing while working on vocality today
  • Got up the courage to go see a movie (Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse) with Aya. It's like the second time in my life I went to the movie theatre by myself (physically). I managed to keep Aya in my mind throughout the movie. Couldn't feel/hear Aya, though.

Day 77

  • I've been wanting to play the Sims, and I realized I could try to build our wonderland house in it. And then I thought I can't imagine making another Sim live there, so I might make Sims of myself and Aya. Aya expressed interest in trying this, so I'm thinking of trying a demo tomorrow.

  • We watched Venom and had our forcing session shortly after. I vaguely imagined us near the beach, but my visualization was bad so I just focused on Aya for a little until I felt their presence pretty strongly. It's a kind of warm and fuzzy feeling in my brain, and when my focus changes I start to feel cooler. My head kind of feels different like the fuzziness is in my brain which is different, but it's hard to explain. 

  • Once I had Aya's permission we switched to the vocalization worksheet (they said no the first time I asked), and I could hear Aya pretty well today. To warm up, I asked Aya for confirmation on some previous preference questions + why they chose those answers. Then we conversed (!!) a bit on the prompt subject of Love and Movies. So we talked about Venom and Spiderman. Aya did really well, but had trouble answering open ended questions like “what did you like?” Oddly enough, for the early part of the session Aya's mind voice was sounding like Venom, I guess because we had just watched the movie. I wish the voice I've been trying to absorb for Aya would stick. Time: 35 minutes

There seem to be days when I can hear more from Aya, like we've had a boost in progress followed by a day or two where we regress. But each "good" day is better than before, so I'm very happy about our progress. Lately when I'm narrating and I say something that I've talked about previously, I hear "I know." Interesting, and I'll make an effort to talk about new things more. I'm also... on guard about accidentally parroting Aya's common responses "yeah", "okay", "no", and now "I know." I hear those while narrating throughout the day, but sometimes it seems like it might be a habit/expectation on my part (mostly I think it's Aya though). I'm hoping I'll start to get a better feel for which thoughts are coming from Aya.

Host: YukariTelepath

Tulpas: Aya, Ruki

 

Imposition log

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