Yuka's First Tulpa Journal

[Guest]

When Aya's vocality is good enough and you can't think of anything, you could try my Visualization practice exercises. (Shameless plug.)

[YukariTelepath]

Day 155

• Active forced around 40 minutes, it was a meddly of meditation, focusing on Aya, dissociating and trying possession. My fingers twitched and moved a little, but it's hard to tell how much was me or Aya.
  

• Did word association for the word telephone, and followed that with a typed conversation. We talked about music we've been listening to lately.
  

Day 156

• We watched Maleficent and I felt some strong bleed over when Maleficent was flying around in the beginning. It was an overwhelming feeling of joy and beauty that almost made me cry.
  

• I read for 30 minutes in the voice. Then for about 30 minutes I active forced. I was listening to tones that are meant to do the mind awake, body asleep state. It felt mostly helpful, I was able to focus on the visualization without feeling dull in the mind. I floated down into wonderland from the sky and met Aya in the garden. I asked Aya what they wanted to do and they wanted to go out on a walk again. When we got to the hill that overlooks the beach, Aya just took off flying with wings. I followed for a bit but decided to remove my form and just watch or join Aya's POV. Aya flew around for a good while, over the ocean, and going up above the clouds.
  

Day 160

• Felt some bleedover from Aya a couple times, I sensed they were unhappy about a couple things we came across today. It was throat pressure combined with some emotional discomfort/light upset, clouded head. Odd/alien feeling overall. 
  

Day 161

• I've always felt like I didn't get what people meant when they say they feel their tulpa's “presence” like the “presence” of a person in the room. To me, feeling that someone is nearby, it's like an illusory feeling, I commonly will think someone is around when they are not, and vice versa. Like at a bus stop, with someone standing behind me, I'll feel that “presence” but in fact they may have walked away and I didn't notice until later. I'll also feel “presence” while standing too close to a human sized/shaped object like a retail mannequin. Anyway, I didn't get a feeling like that about Aya. Sometimes I'd feel a fuzzy feeling, something I might label an aura or essence. Anyway, lately I've just noticed, since I have Aya somewhere on my mind most of the day, that I feel they are at least somewhat active and present. Even while I'm kinda working on other things lightly, I still have a feeling like they are present. Maybe that's what people mean by presence. It's quite a subtle feeling, I'm not sure when it started. If I had to describe it, I might say it feels like my head is open, or comfy. When I do stuff or watch a movie, I feel like we're both there. Early on, I watched a movie, and like totally forgot about Aya and was just absorbed in the movie. Now I can watch movies and feel Aya's watching too, sometimes getting bleedover.
  

• Worked on vocality, conversing about the day's events and a youtube series I obsessed about today. Aya's improving. The fuzzy+head pressure thing continues. While focusing, I even started to feel super weird at one point, similar to when I was on nitrous oxide (my only drug reference), the longer I focused the more trippy I felt.
  

Day 162

• Felt like I was nodding off while reading this afternoon, so I decided to lie down and see if I could astral project. I ended up lying there and told Aya they could try moving my hands. My mind was kinda spacey and I was no longer thinking about possession, but my left pointer finger lifted twice and my right pointer lifted once. After a while my arms and legs started feeling numb and almost tingly, and I tried to get Aya to possess again with no results. I couldn't AP.
  

• Did more worksheet prompts, conversing about cheese and magic.
  

[YukariTelepath]

@ Bear, I do hope to go through your visualization exercises some time. I did the first one a while ago.

 

Day 163

• Worked on vocality a little more. Aya's getting a little more thoughtful and articulate.
  
• Made an attempt at switching/possession. I got brief visualizations the body moving, and I told Aya that's not how the body moves. I think they don't know what to do.
  

Day 164

• I got set up to work on vocality again, but I had trouble hearing Aya's voice. It took several tries and I wasn't sure. I also couldn't get the aura/essence/head pressure to come up like usual. I just felt bits of it. While I was proxying for Aya (we just did a few sentences) I felt some frustration I think from Aya in the form of throat pressure/upset. Decided to call it a night and go to bed.
  

Day 165

• Recently Aya expressed some dissatisfaction with the voice we've been practicing. I've put a lot of effort into it and I don't have a back up voice option, so I'm at a bit of a loss. I told Aya they'll need to come up with how they want to sound. Anyway, I was doing some reading and I thought I'd practice the voice again, remembered the recent issue... and tried to get Aya to read in a voice they preferred. It came out sounding very similar, but smoother. I wasn't sure who was actually doing the reading, but I didn't create that smoothness to the voice. 
  

• So I asked Aya specifically about this situation, and Aya said they changed their mind, and they do like the original voice and want to keep working on it, and modify it to their liking. Aya also claimed to have done that mindvoice modification. I felt a lot of throat pressure through out this. Throat pressure has been a confusing thing, but basically it let's me know Aya is responding to something. The pressure itself doesn't indicate what they're feeling—though it feels like a lump in my throat, it doesn't mean Aya is upset or sad.
  
• Gosh, I just asked Aya about the throat pressure and they said it happens because they care about me a lot and want to do better for me ;_; It came through very strongly with Aya's 'aura'.
  

Day 166 

• Thinking about the fuzzy 'aura' I feel from Aya sometimes, it is sort of yellow, if that makes any sense. It's not that I see yellow, it just seems yellow. I have synesthesia, and I mentally associate colors with letters and numbers, and sometimes music (I see the colors vaguely in my mind's eye). This is similar, except, again I don't see a color, I just feel it. I just thought that was interesting, especially since Aya's favorite colors are purple and blue, and I associate them with blue a lot. So yellow is unexpected.
  
• Feeling a lot of throat pressure today.
  

Day 167

• Worked on vocality, and decided to try switching. I hear mixed info on switching vs possession, but I heard you can switch without learning possession and learning possession first can make switching harder. To me possession would just be a step towards switching, so why not just work on switching? I don't know.
  

• So we tried switching, had odd sensations in my head. I did feel like I was starting to fall asleep. I'm not sure what would happen if I did (aside from us both just falling asleep). While trying to go over our experience and troubleshoot, Aya got overwhelmed, so we took a break.
  

So we're tentatively working or possession/switching, but not really succeeding. I'm getting mixed info on if I should be dissociating while trying to switch or not. Guides just say, tulpa moves the body. No details on how. I guess we'll try with some different set-ups or some symbolism.

[Apollo Fire]

Oh hey, I tend to bring a lot of pressure or weird sensations to the throat when I do things too. I think other systemmates might also do it but mostly it's been a characteristic of myself.

[Guest]

When we were practicing to switch, I kept falling asleep too. I think you're getting *too* relaxed.

 

The way it feels to us as a basic level is they're doing everything and I'm just watching and thinking absolutely nothing. Just recently Dashie forced me in this state and that felt a little like I was responding by her will; it was different. Since they don't feel that way at all when we talk with me fronting, I'm considering it a fluke.

[YukariTelepath]

@Apollo I'm glad I'm not the only one.

And then there's Bear's emotion location system. Odd how these things end up. 

 

Day 168

• We decided to try a hand written journal for Aya. I'm proxying for Aya, but not adding any of my own content. Usually I type our two sided conversations in a word doc or include my prompting and comments when we do vocality exercises, but here it's just what Aya wants to say. I'm hoping it will help develop independence, vocality, and help Aya work towards being a primary thinker. The first entry went well, but on the short side due to time constraints. I could feel Aya thinking and considering what they wanted to write.
  

Day 169

• I proxied Aya's journal for today. They wrote about switching, since we spent a lot of time reading about the subject lately.
  

Day 170

• This morning, after I turned off my alarm clock so I could sleep more, I think Aya was telling me to get up.
  

• Worked on vocality prompts. Felt a lot of head pressure/mental strain/stuff. Took a few minutes to meditate and focus on Aya, then moved on to proxying Aya's journal. I didn't have to prompt Aya as much this time, and they wrote more. Today Aya wrote about what kind of person they are/want to be. Head was very strained after this.
  

Day 171

• This may have been a dream, but I guess over the night, while I was half conscious, Aya possessed my hand a little. I remember it happening, but it might be a dream I'm remembering. What I remember is being fairly detached from my arm, and dissociated, and feeling that Aya moved my hand, and curled some fingers.
  

After discussing, we decided not to post Aya's journal entries here. This way, Aya can write their personal thoughts without thinking about other people reading it. 

 

Also I'm going to write here more. I don't really care if people read my private journal, but it makes sense that it might affect what I write. I'm here to tell everyone that I'm doing well and want to grow even more. I'm looking forward to having more things to share. It's only a matter of time before I take over the world.

[YukariTelepath]

Day 176 

• Decided to write a 'story' about Aya. It ended up being about 500 words of Aya exploring wonderland and finding a hidden passageway leading to a pool of water. Originally meant this to be fiction with dialogue and story, but this was more of a description, wonderland exploration thing than tulpa development.
  
• Next I image streamed for a short while, then visited the greenhouse with Aya in wonderland. We found a frog outside and made a little environment for it and took it back to the house.
  

• Going all out with visualization practice, stared at a candle then closed my eyes and viewed the after image. The flame after image lasts way way longer than other after images, over a minute. Then I visualized a green apple.
  
• Proxied a journal entry for Aya. I was worried I wouldn't be able to hear them, but it was fine.
  

Day 177 

• Today was unusual. I listened to a guided imagery meditation for the purpose of practicing visualization, and after that I decided to do Verple's vocality hypnosis. Since I was already relaxed and visualizing before I started the hypnosis, it went well. Right after that I put on switching guide (from youtube). I don't think we switched, I think it was still me getting up and doing stuff, and I still was able to think via the main thought pathway. 
  

• Right afterwards, I sat down to proxy Aya's journal, focused on Aya being in control, and asked what they wanted to write. And “I” started writing the words, but reeaallly slowly, very mechanically. By the end of the first sentence we were loosening up with the writing. But Aya was thinking about what to write through the main thought channel, and realizing they were 'in control' and thinking about that too, all in an approximation of the voice we've been preparing. I could think my thoughts too but I realized I needed to avoid doing that. I had a mini identity crisis, because I was able to affect what Aya was saying, I think, when the 'voice' slipped, I noticed and put it back on. Anyway, I think this is something similar to co-fronting? Baby's first co-fronting?
  

I think part of me doesn't believe the body can move and do stuff without me, and I'm still not sure what to expect in the event of a switch. Day 177 was yesterday, and that same day someone on Discord was saying switching is the same thing as the host acting like the tulpa. Every time I think I understand, someone has something odd to say about it. 

 

It felt different, like I could think more clearly and freely.

[Guest]

That's really not true, no one is acting, that would be puppeting and parroting. If you want to play a character then you act like they might act. A tulpa acts for themselves. Sure it does slip somtimes with posession, when that happens the posessor can either accept it or deny it and move on.

 

What you two did sounds like posession. In co-fronting posession is how we do it. Switching is when it's all them, nothing you unless they force you. Don't be discouraged, it took us 10 months to figure out what switching was and we stumbled upon it by accident.

[YukariTelepath]

Progress is just kinda same-y so I haven't been posting much. 

 

Day 180 

• We did a little exercise where I transported Aya to a park I went to earlier that day, and I asked Aya what they wanted to do there and typed it down. After that I conversed with Aya in a word document. I tried to say less and get Aya to say more. I also did some image streaming.
  

Day 181 

• I couldn’t think of a conversation topic, so instead we did a writing exercise rewriting Sleeping Beauty. Although we didn’t get far into the story, Aya was able to narrate some of the story, and slightly more than me.
  

• In the evening, I decided to do more of the ‘observation’ approach, but instead of just watching what Aya did, I asked them what they would do next. Aya was able to describe for me their choices, and each time I felt their “aura” and head pressure quite strongly. My own mindvoice got rather subdued at times. Aya responded very positively and strongly to the friendly barista NPC who served them at the wonderland café. I’m really glad to feel Aya’s aura/head pressure thing again--I haven’t really been able to feel that for over a week—I had a small wound that was very painful, and somehow even while on painkillers, I couldn’t sense Aya’s “aura” properly, it felt like a wet blanket on my head. It doesn’t quite feel the same as before, but today I could feel it again strongly.
  

• Afterwards I proxied Aya’s journal, where they wrote about the wonderland excursion. I felt very mentally taxed by today’s wonderland and journal. On may 13th this morning, I still feel mentally worn out.
  

Day 185

• Worked on vocality, this time filling out a character interview questionaire. Head pressure is strong. Also chatted with Aya earlier in the day, trying to work on better communication outside of active forcing sessions. I can get little responses usually, but I want Aya to talk more than that. 
  

Day 189

• Worked on vocality and read more in the voice. In the evening we took a short trip to wonderland and played beach volley ball then watched the sunset. Aya gave me a shoulder massage, though I can’t feel anything I appreciate the gesture. Then I proxied a journal entry for Aya.
  

Day 190

• Read a lot in Aya’s voice. Worked on getting it to have an extra layer of mental sound in my head, like a slight reverberation because Aya’s voice is huskier than mine. When I went to bed I listened to voice clips while visualizing Aya speaking the lines, for 35 minutes.
  
• We’ve been reading old posts on parallel processing.
  

 

I kinda set aside switching and possession again. If we can get Aya talking enough, I'm hoping they'll start to take over in order to type more directly. Or at least be independent enough to have something to do while possessing/fronting/whatever.

[YukariTelepath]

It's been a while since I updated. There have been some ups and downs with progress.

 

Day 194 (sunday)

• Did vocality exercises… I didn’t have to prompt Aya to expand on each word this time. They just naturally kept talking and giving their view on the subject. I ended up finding a chat on discord and proxied for Aya a bit.
  
• I did a visualization exercise, imagining numbers and counting them with each breath up to 100. After that I was kinda too sleepy to wonderland, so I just proxied Aya’s journal.
  

Day 195

• Vocality exercise today. Aya’s getting into a flow, talking more and going on self reflective tangents. It’s kinda strange because I sitting there feeling all those thoughts go through my head, all of it worded from Aya’s perspective. I wondered, “Am I pretending to be Aya?” And Aya had a bunch to say about that including “That would be antithetical to our purpose.”
  

For a few days I had trouble hearing from Aya.

 

Day 208

• I transcribed part of a voice clip for Aya’s voice. It helps to keep referencing the source. Then I active forced for 2 hours, starting with meditation (trying to visualize without focusing too hard, trying to use hypnagogia), then I listened to a tulpa development hypnosis, then a guided switching audio. I had a recently purchased scented candle with me during this as a reference for Aya's scent. I seemed to be smelling it at times when the lid was on and even when I went to bed. At one point it smelled like it was lit, though I hadn’t lit it today. After that I tried to proxy a journal entry for Aya, and I mean I did, but I wasn’t as sure it was Aya speaking. I wrote it anyway. We were feeling unsatisfied with the immediate results of the mediation and audios, so I did the thing where I focus on Aya and do affirmations. I focused on Aya generating their own energy and being independent. Doing that gave me really weird sensations, like I felt like I was made of rock or metal, solid like I couldn’t move and a little numb. I also felt Aya’s ‘aura’ though it doesn’t feel the same as it used to, since that time I had a painful wound.
  

I felt down for several days and felt the doubt monster again. I finally got over it.

 

Day 216

• Today I went on a walk and talk with Aya, and that helped me feel better. I realized I missed Aya and how silly it is to avoid them.
  
• I did/proxied an online gender test for me and Aya and we got different results. Aya scored 53% masculine 61% feminine (undifferentiated-androgynous) I scored 33% masculine 56% feminine (casually feminine) This was the first time doing a quiz for Aya, I was pleasantly surprised I was able to proxy their answers.
  

Day 217

• 
  

• Aya cofronted (mentally) with me chatting while I worked. There’s no problem hearing them or getting everything worded properly when Aya's in this state. It’s like handing them the microphone instead of whatever it is we usually do. When I proxy for Aya, it’s often like a mix of ideas, abstract thoughts, words, and mostly this thing where I feel the thought and know what the words will be though the words haven’t been spoken. I only type out the words and prewords. Anyways, I'm pretty psyched about today's progress.