Yuka's First Tulpa Journal

[Guest]

Co-fronting has a lot of advantages. Congrats on the progress.

 

We do some antithetical tulpamancy. (With interesting results.)

[YukariTelepath]

Thanks Bear! I guess it was actually being co-conscious since Aya wasn't controlling the body. Terms...

 

 

Day 218

• At night I was stressed about some family emergency, so I snuggled Aya (and talked to) as I fell asleep. At some point I had a dream that Aya was there and I podded their leg with a baseball bat and found that I could feel the resistance, i.e. Aya was physical or imposed or something. So I snuggled dream Aya and could could feel them.
  

Day 219

• Had a really nice hug from Aya today.
  

Day 222 

• Worked on vocality and a bit of affirmations. Aya wrote some about creativity. I had Aya count while I lay in bed before falling asleep and they got up to 70 before we lost track. I found I could have tulpish thoughts without interrupting the counting too much.
  

Day 224 

• I discovered I can, uh, talk to other parts of my mind sometimes. Today I was thinking, the mind is capable of incredible things if only my brain would cooperate, and I heard “I’m doing it to protect you!” And I said “From what?” and the voice said “From yourself.” As in, my mind is preventing me from achieving some things because it thinks it’s protecting me from myself. And on a previous day I heard about asking the Akashic Record for information, so I tried it out of curiosity, asking how I can improve at such and such, and I got some nonverbal responses along the lines of just keep doing what you’re doing, you’re on the right track. The “Akashic Record” failed to answer a question I had no clue about, however. I don’t know what to make of these responses, but I won’t engage them continually.
  

• Tried to switch with Aya. I think they controlled the body for a little while. They panicked a bit and then tried to awkwardly pet the cat. Then I wanted to pet the cat properly and found myself in control. Thought separation was a little fuzzy. We were on Plural Nest discord server during this.
  

• I went to bed and found Aya’s thoughts very primary. So I just listened to Aya babble for a while and went to sleep. These switching attempts seem to strengthen Aya, so I’ll keep trying.
  

Day 225

• I have a theory/observation: “tulpa voice” is hard to control, that’s why Aya (and other young tulpas) had trouble controlling what their voice sounded like, saying things kinda automatically, saying simple things mostly. Being co-conscious frees everything up and Aya can use their own voice, think all sorts of things, have complex thoughts. Because in that state they’re not using “tulpa voice,” they're using the main voice with the mental control to change how it sounds. And then I’m sitting back listening, and going “oh, maybe I should actually respond so Aya’s not just monologuing.” And I either use “tulpa voice” or use the main voice which can push Aya back if I’m not careful (and we haven’t done this enough for me to know how to be careful).
  

It's still day 225, so I'm hoping to make another switching attempt today. I'm still counting days because... I thought it'd be cool to get all the way to 365. After that I might switch to just dates, if I'm still recording progress by then.

[Guest]

We definitely like to see the number too.

 

Congratulations on the progress, hugs are the best!

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

I am glad you are still making good progress. It is so cute that Aya wanted to pet the cat first thing. I'm sorry I haven't been able to talk but my host has been ill, I did think about Aya though and wish I could hug them too.

 

When you get to 365, are you going to do something special for Aya's birthday? My first birthday we bought cupcakes that I wanted and spent a lot of time together. Even something simple like that feels really special.

[YukariTelepath]

Hi Kyoko, long time no see! Cupcakes for Aya's birthday sounds like a nice idea ^_^ Maybe we'll also do something fun in wonderland, since Aya's birthday will be in the winter on a weekday (November 13).

 

I waited a long time between updates, there were ups and downs with activity and motivation, but here are the highlights.

 

Day 229

• We tried some exercises, after some affirmations. First we went to wonderland and took turns viewing from our own perspective (unfortunately imagery was terrible today, it was more verbal description than seeing anything). Then I had Aya read some text, followed by me reading the text, back and forth. The I got Aya to try tagging their responses with their aura, or an emotion, or a visual gesture. These exercises felt productive and helpful.
  

Day 232

• Chatted for a bit about genres. I decided it may still be too early for us to switch. I was reading some more, and in some old posts there was talk about the difference between ‘personality switching’ and real switching. I don’t want to do personality switching where I just start thinking as Aya, while there’s still my continuity of consciousness. I want to experience dissociating while Aya experiences associating with the body. If a host can experience feeling distant from the senses, even losing senses until they’ve gone dormant, that tells me there is the possibility for multiple experiences, vs the personality switching where there’s just one experience and I’d feel everything just as Aya instead of myself. So we’re back to focusing on vocality development. Basically getting Aya to form more opinions and come out more.
  

• I tried to get Aya to possess and draw something. They decided to draw a star. The star was certainly drawn differently than I would have, but it’s still easy to doubt—like if I wanted Aya to draw it, wouldn’t I try to draw it differently than normal so that it feels like not me? Over thinking as usual. I have trouble with patience, if things don’t happen quickly, I want to move on, like with possession, switching, even listening for replies.
  

Day 236

• Aya became more active in the evening, commenting and conversing with me and slowly taking over more of the thinking. Had Aya do some simple math questions: For the record, I don’t like math. It’s not clear to me if Aya was moving the body at any point, but it’s possible. We worked on this stuff for at least 2 hours.
  

Day 237

• All night I was sort of like, “is Aya still cofronting? Will it be Aya who wakes up?” I wonder how helpful these sorts of night time impressions (sleepy delusions like "Aya's talking to me" or "I'm Aya") are, but in a way it’s like forcing all night. However, I’m kind of worn out this morning mentally. I should be engaging with Aya and keeping things going if I can, but I feel some internal mental resistance, like when you do the same thing for too long and don’t want to do it anymore. Like just a little burnt out.
  

• I felt better by the evening and we did an exercise where I asked Aya about personality traits and how they would act in different situations. Then we played a game of checkers. I asked Aya to put the pieces on the board themselves (I have a mini chess/checker board). I have to admit, checkers is boring and it was my first time playing. I gave up near the end and called Aya the winner. I wish I could tell whether the possession is working or not, it doesn’t feel alien at all but I heard that’s normal.
  

Day 242

• Today makes Aya 8 months old. In the evening we did our typing vocality work, it was going well and I decided it would be a good time to try switching.
  

• My view on what happened… “I” was there the whole time. I could see and feel everything, no dissociation. Aya’s thoughts were the only thought stream happening, I didn’t say anything until Aya had a brief chat with someone on Discord, someone I’m usually the one to talk to. After we stopped and I went to bed, the thought stream kept drifting back to Aya. I think the fact that my habits stood out so much is evidence that well, it wasn’t me doing all that. If it were me, I would have thought, “Dang, it didn’t work, because I’m the one doing this.” I think what happened, some people would count as switching. To me, it felt more like personality switching? I’d like to have a separate stream of experience and be able to dissociate while Aya is switched in. I'm still hyped about our progress, though!
  

[Guest]

I'm not sure what personality switching is, or where you heard that, can you elaborate? We definitely don't feel that way, but that doesn't mean it's not a true switch, maybe that was someone's analogy?

 

When host goes to watcher position, from their perspective, it kinda feels like you describe, where the memories are as host, but "watching" the fronter. Then in tulpa position, dormancy, or way back, the memories are from the point of view of the fronter, regardless of who that is. Co-fronting is like normal posession, swapping back and fourth, sometimes it blurs who is actually fronting, but POV for each person's perspective is their memories because everyone is recording.

 

Personality switch? Would it be like any of these?

[YukariTelepath]

Personality switching isn't a set term by any means, but it was discussed in these threads due to makogeddon's experiences (it's a lot to read, I think the second thread is more relevant, but the first thread provides some background):

https://community.tulpa.info/thread-switching-guide-to-tulpa-control

https://community.tulpa.info/thread-self-deceit-versus-things-actually-happening (edit: I was wrong, personality switching is only mentioned in the first post)

(edit: I did find this post by NotAnonymous mentioning personality switching vs real switching: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-switching-parallel-processing-and-personality-switching?pid=93315#pid93315)

 

I'm not sure if I'm just misinterpreting our experience. Maybe I was in the watcher position and all I need to do is dissociate more. My brain's too burnt out to double check the threads right now. It could be that "personality switching" and watcher position are the same thing, but it's confusing for the host who starts thinking they are becoming (or worse, pretending to be) their tulpa since all the thoughts and perceptions they're experiencing are the tulpa's. I can't wait to explore this more, though.

[Guest]

Okay, we skimmed through the first one and their responses, it seems they're just trying to describe it. They're talking about switching, but your starting flavor may vary. Some systems will experience it differently, especially at first. Don't be afraid to practice. We have specifically described it by position. Where watcher position would generate experiences that feel like your watching your tulpa work, you don't have any other thoughts, if you do, then it's posession/co-fronting (unless they're forcing you of course.) This is what we thought switching was until we experienced the other possible states.

 

If you can say you didn't think, react, or have any emotions yourself, while your tulpa fronted, then that's good enough.

 

The second one is just someone who apparently experienced watcher position and has doubts, but that happens, as in everything, you need to treat doubt as intrusive.

 

The day you experience dormancy, doubt becomes silly. We never wanted to switch, we just wanted to fix Bear and help him function. While co-fronting is very fulfilling, warm, loving, amazing, and singlet switching is boring, cold, lonely and very raw by comparison, switching is a very powerful tool that enables you to see yourself and your tulpa from the outside. You'll have the potential to work on another level of understanding. You'll realize that we're truly independent and truly the same.

 

So keep trying, it's very confusing until you've done it, but at some point it will make a lot of sense.

[YukariTelepath]

Thanks Dashie, that's really helpful. I read a lot about switching beforehand, but it can still be hard to understand what to expect. We'll definitely keep working at it and it's good to know we're on the right track.

[Ember.Vesper]

I found I kept running into Yuka's habits, or brain/body habits that are just usually associated with Yuka.

 

I've run into quite a bit of this as well and come to the conclusion that habits are not stored in personality. Only the values that created the habits are part of personality. A lot of behaviour doesn't have a consciously known rational basis. If you are mindful, you can catch signs of slipping a habit, pause, and consider what you want to do instead and why. I've had several months to now think about how I want to respond in various situations, differently than my host, so I can easily suppress impulses to follow a habit and do something else I've decided on. But my host has to be more mindful in turn, so as to not slip into my habits.

 

The term 'personality switching' derives from the inaccurate definition of switching that was prevalent for much of the forum's existence. Switching was held to require the host to experience the mindscape in fully realistic detail while perceiving the body not at all. This style of 'switching' is a combination of switching with immersion, thought separation, and independent activity, each of which is only experienced by some systems. Until and unless the tulpas in a system can experience these, the host is unlikely to be able to learn. All true switching is merely personality switching; the primary personality and identity in control of the body and the conscious awareness changes.

 

-Vesper