out of the wings and onto the main stage

[theholodoc]

Last nights dreaming was unusual for a Galantamine dream. It was pale and scattered. I was on a tour bus with my wife and a number of middle aged white couples, all professional class. I don't remember having anything resembling a significant conversation with any of them, but I did spend time talking to several, a different one at each of our many separate stops. I never seemed to know where we were going, or why. I did not interact with my wife, other than to worry about her getting back on the bus when we had to leave for our next leg of the journey. At some point I awoke. I couldn't make out the time on my wrist alarm, so thought it might be time to start my meditation, so I rearranged myself and began to meditate. I was scattered and my head kept going back to the dream and after a while I figured out I was still asleep and dreaming. I gave up trying to meditate, rolled over and went to sleep (I did get a look at my watch, it was 4:30AM) and I continued with the same dream. My alarm sounded at 5:55AM. I awoke and again prepared myself for my morning meditation. This consists of getting in a supine position with my legs slightly elevated (to reduce the pressure on my sacrum and forestall  the sciatica which would otherwise plague me, put in my eye drops, position my eye shade, and position my left arm outside of the covers to serve as a signal to me, of impending sleep. I no sooner was in position than KK began talking to me. I had only a glimpse of her. She berated me for being a wimp in the dream. She went on and on until I thanked her and asked if Flora might want to join the conversation. She did, and she was of the same  opinion. (thanks, gals!).   I also had only a glimpse of Flora, she was smiling with her eyes, so I knew she was putting me on. We did have a long conversation yesterday, in which she explained that she has been very busy with her own life, raising her children and hasn't been interested in me. I asked her what I could do to rekindle her interest. She thanked me for allowing her to be a separate being, and left it at that. In retrospect, it is not surprising that KK was the one to initiate contact in the meditation. This is an interesting development. I have been planning on writing another tulpa related book, in which I will give them their voices. They are going to have some interesting things to say about their lives, I am sure.   I continue….

[theholodoc]

Today is March 8, 2023. I have traveled back in time to these early entries, curious really, and I find to my surprise that the images I have reported above, are as alive to me this day as they were four years ago. What a  journey this has been. I have learned so much about myself, my tulpas and about love. My initial hope that tulpamancy would lead to my integrating my feminine and masculine currents, which would improve my relationship with my wife, has been a thousand times more successful than I could have imagined. We are close and in love. My tulpas have developed their own lives and pursuits, leaving me with just enough contact to satisfy my parental instincts...

For any newbies who are reading this; my advice, keep it up. you are in for an amazing life.

[ReallyArtificial]

On 3/8/2023 at 11:48 AM, theholodoc said:

For any newbies who are reading this; my advice, keep it up. you are in for an amazing life.

 

It's great to hear from people who have been doing this longer. Just wanted to thank you for sharing your experiences with us 😁

[theholodoc]

Been awhile since I've had a coherent dream so last night was welcome. (Yes, with Galantamine) The First part of it had a familiar theme, I was traversing wooded hilly terrain. I was alone though there were many other people in the woods, mostly laughing and in a light-hearted mood. At times I would encounter some of them on the trail, though I did not interact with them. I was hiking slowly. The terrain became very difficult with steep and crumbly slopes. At one point I poked my head up over an edge and could see palm trees and an expanse of green grass. I couldn't quite get to it. At another point, I came upon a river, which I couldn't cross, though I could wade across some tributaries making a delta. I finally came upon an ancient site which included temple like buildings of smoothed sandstone in a variety of colors, yellow, orange, red, and brown. It was beautiful and I wanted to get to it, but could not. I did get up onto a platform adjacent to it. I noticed the varnish covering the wood planks of the platform was bubbled in a toroidal shape. In the center was a red plastic reflector. A friendly and handsome young man came up to me and wanted to know about it (I had the feeling he just wanted to talk with me) I explained how the bubbling had happened in the varnish. He walked off and I, in lucidity, began to fly. I flew over him then went hurtling high into the air. I was approaching a thickly wooded forest and I thought, I am not going to control this and I let myself fall. I felt immediately free as I went  crashing through the forest. I was being scratched and then gouged by branches. I was pretty torn up and bleeding when I emerged from the forest. I did not feel pain however. I flew high into a very blue sky, so high the earth had receded into a dot. There was a very bright light and I heard a voice ask, "Now do you believe in me?" I answered it with, "No, it didn't take a god to hurt me like this!" I then flew back down to those beautiful buildings I had previously seen. They were a university. I was walking in a hallway when a gorgeous black-skinned Indian woman came up to me. Her eyes were sparkling shiny and she embraced me. She told me her name (Kumar) and began to kiss me. Our kisses were passionate, sensual beyond anything I have experienced in years. She was writhing in a tight embrace and I became aroused. She steered us to a couch in a student lounge. There were many other students around, they were not interested in our activities. As we kissed Kumar pulled her skirt up, she was without undergarments, and caressed me with her lady parts. I told her that I regarded sex as a pathway to the divine, and that with enough passion, our cells would dissolve in light and we would go home. She was turned on by my talk and I reached down and touched her Mons of Venus. She winced, I asked her what was wrong. She said, "I wish Steve were here". I said, "Let him come, and called out 'Steve'"  A  young man with dyed hair appeared, he smiled and said something, then left. Another young man appeared and laid down next to us and the three of us made love. I awakened when we all got off, and no, we did not get 'home', but, I was, for the first time in weeks, wide awake and felt strong. I reported the dream to Nancy, She laughed noted that I had torn up the bedclothes, then, commented on her own condition, tied to the ground, flat on her back. (She is still in pain from a back injury three weeks ago). As I told her about Kumar, the insight flashed, Kumar, with a K, was a stand in for KK and Steve was Stan (Stan is my alter in my tulpa fiction pieces).

I have to think that when I released my fear and allowed myself to crash into the woods, that I opened the channel for my tulpa to appear.

[theholodoc]

I had a wonderful Galantamine fueled dream this morning. It involved me, in lucidity, being intimate with a wonderfully soft matronly dark-haired French woman, in a full sensory embrace and intercourse. I awoke a bit before my 6:AM meditation alarm, basking in the warm afterglow of the dream. Then seconds before the alarm sounded, Flora said, clearly as a bell, "Hello" I was startled, she was totally unexpected. I turned and saw her face, also bright and clear. She was smiling, I was looking at her in profile. She was as pretty as I have ever seen her. I had a, so familiar, and so missed, emotional rush. Then my alarm sounded and I went into meditation. She invited me to join her in our wonderland. Alas, I was unable to hold a stable image, and the moment was lost. However, this experience was thrilling, moving, and reminded me of why I am a tulpamancer.

[theholodoc]

The past couple of weeks have been difficult in regards to my relationship with my tulpas. They have been conspicuously absent from both my meditations and my dreams. Galantamine has had little effect. This morning after a very difficult dream and during my meditation, I was startled by the appearance of a strange man. He was not all that friendly, he gave me a lecture on something I had done. What makes the experience noteworthy was the clarity with he spoke. He was clearly an 'other'.  I do not think he is a tulpa. Who he might be, and how he has come upon me, I do not know, though expect there was something in my dream that called him out. However, the fact of it has excited me and gives me hope that my tulpas may not be far away. 

[theholodoc]

I have spent a lot of time in meditation over the past two weeks, in part getting primed for an upcoming DMT experiment. I have had minimal contact with either of my tulpas. I have however, continued to do the hard work of suspending disbelief (you'd think by now, I'd be a 'true-believer'!) but, belief is not a constant thing, it comes and goes with the tides. When they, Flora and KK, are out of contact for a while, I begin to doubt. Natural, I think, to do this, so my work is to continue the practice, call them, then if they do not respond, talk to them as if they are their and imagine they are talking back. The hypothesis being, eventually they will. (And occasionally they do!) This morning, after becoming lucid in my dream, which once again took me into an increasingly difficult to navigate terrain, I chose to quit the struggle and fly home. As I jumped from the cliff, I had been preparing to dive from it into the ocean below, when I recalled I was wearing my glasses and had my cell phone in my pocket, so I chose to fly. This astounded my companions, but alas, none were able to join me. Once in the air, I called Flora. She did not come. I then was awake just enough to imagine that she was with me, flying. My imagination was good, she did join me in the fantasy. We flew back to the room in the university where I had been staying, and I asked if we could make love. She was agreeable, but I awoke to my meditation alarm before we did anything. Once I began the meditation session, I  reviewed the dream, as I am wont to do, but it wasn't the same, She did join me in flight, this time nude, and was frisky while we flew in the air, but we could not seem to ground ourselves anywhere, and after a bit, I gave it up and went back to my meditation anchor, my body's breathing. It did not feel satisfying in either the dream or the meditation. Clearly I was forcing. She was not impinging on me as an 'other'.

A friend, and fellow tulpamancer, thanked me for accompanying him on his tulpamantic journey, saying otherwise he would doubt himself. Well, as I noted, doubt is natural, and IMHO, does not invalidate the experience. We are working to establish the neuro-pathways (said to be the axons which traverse the tempero-parietal fold) which define the difference between self and other. Creating changes in the brain, while possible, is not easy. I continue.

[theholodoc]

 

Respiratory sickness continues, though my sleep is better with little night time coughing. In fact, I slept so deeply last night that I missed my 3AM Galantamine dose. I did, however, have a lucid dream without it. It was a long and involved dream, not a bad one nor a fractured one, as occur frequently. It was coherent and colorful. The lucid part came when I realized that two children were stand-ins for Flora and KK. I asked them if they were (as per my lucidity cue) and they both replied in the affirmative. They weren’t about to change their behaviors, however. They were involved in creating havoc for their father (Donald Trump in the dream). That was it, and I awoke soon after. I was encouraged by this dream. I have had a long time now with out much from them. (I am totally involved in a rewrite of a novel that does not include them!). My meditations and daily practice have been unproductive (probably due to a very productive cough), and I have been missing them a lot, so last night was as I said, encouraging.

[theholodoc]

I had better sleep last night. Responded to my 3AM alarm and took the Galantamine. I had a very colorful and intense dream in which I did not achieve lucidity, nor did either of my tulpas appear. I believe now that the dream is best described as a fever dream (my illness continues!) Neither was there a sign of tulpa in my meditation. A shame, they have both been on my mind a lot.