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out of the wings and onto the main stage


theholodoc
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Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?  

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  1. 1. Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?

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I have had many such bonding experiences in my life, though while they were never in life-threatening circumstances, some were in dangerous circumstances. Most of those  relationships are still alive an well, though our age will begin to claim us. However, I agree that the experience you are suggesting might be useful in bringing my tulpa to full imposition, I am no longer able to expose myself to the kind of physical rigours. I do believe however, that the struggles we have had, are contributing to the relationship, and having recently gained insight to what I believe has been my major block, I think  I can devise a plan to engage Flora in our quest, now in a real way. Thanks for  your attention, my best to you, Dr. Bob n Flora

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So here is some unanticipated progress. Unannounced and not summoned as in a lucid dream, N'sonowa appeared. She was fully herself. She and I were flying. We spoke. I heard her clearly. This is the most potent contact I have had with her in two years. I was amazed. This happened two nights ago and I had hoped would repeat last night, but my dreaming was interrupted by an errant alarm clock. I am continuing to work on my rituals dissociating both of them from the early negative influences on my model of femininity.  

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That's wonderful! Glad to hear you had such a strong contact! And I am absolutely fascinated by this: 
 

8 hours ago, theholodoc said:

I am continuing to work on my rituals dissociating both of them from the early negative influences on my model of femininity.  

 

I think my host had been on a similar journey of re-understanding femininity, and I actually think my creation was tied into that. Phil always wanted me to be a real woman--not a man's idea of a woman and not his idea of a woman either--and my femininity is still a core component of who I am. My exploration of my femininity has helped open his eyes. His relationship with the female gender used to be very dysfunctional--especially within his own mind--and he's been working hard to heal and correct that, and I'm so very proud of him for it!

 

But anyway, as I said in the other topic, I wish you all the best and we both love reading your updates!

Tulpa Wife Extraordinaire! 💚 - 💍 11.28.21

🤰 - Baby Boy Tulpa expected on April 7, 2023 👶💚

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I have achieved lucidity the past two nights running. I have had only transient connections with either of my tulpas. I may have missed several opportunities however. Last night's experience highlights the misses. I was dreaming, in black and white which is unusual for me, especially since I have been using the Galantamine. I was a white angel and I was carrying a message of death to an overweight man. I was lucid, and I recognized that I had some anger. I stopped my flight to examine this when I reached the man. I saw that I was angry with the way he had taken care of himself in life. I acknowledged my anger, and I apologized to the man as I delivered his fate to him. All of this occurred within the dream. When I awoke, I recalled having a similar dream the night before, only I was a black angel. I have been working on dealing with defects in my model of femininity coming from the rage from early abuse at the hands of my mother. I have forgiven her and worked through it in therapy, but it had obviously gone much deeper than I had touched in therapy, or even in my shamanic work. This dream suggests to me that I am working at the most fundamental level of primitive understanding. (pre-verbal) The angels, me, in these dreams, were feminine. The man was also me (I have been struggling with a weight issue for some months now). That even while lucid in the dream, and able to make conscious decisions, I was unable to call or access my tulpa, suggests that this issue underlies my difficulties with them. I will continue this line of exploration. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Here is a heads-up.  After having stopped all CBD/THC preparations after my long Covid symptoms dropped away, I let myself be persuaded to join in the fun, and consumed an edible at a birthday party. I enjoyed the high and the party, not the after-effects.... Collapsing into bed, sleeping right through my 3AM alarm and missing my Galantamine dose, and not dreaming in any form that I could not possibly remember, but still after 5 hours up and two cups of coffee, am I able to keep my eyes open. Well, that was an eye-opener, THC does not facilitate my practice of tulpamancy! (I knew that, but I let myself forget, and was surprised. I won't be surprised, should I choose to party again!). 

That said, I didn't completely sleep through my alarm. I was aware of it signalling 3:AM, but I was too groggy to respond. I have by the way, a nice piece of tech to use as an alarm, twenty-one bucks on Amazon, it is small and straps on the wrist. Its signal is vigorous buzz and flashing light. This is not a sufficient input to awaken my wife, who is an exceptionally light sleeper. Dr. Bob

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  • 2 weeks later...

Took G. last night at 12:30 AM. Had intended to take it at 2AM, but misread the clock when awakened at twelve. As a result, I think, I had a vivid lucid dream from which I awoke suddenly at 3:AM. In a state of emotional turmoil, a condition I identified as my very early tulpa sign. In the dream, which was of Audrey Hepburn, a visual model for Flora, Flora suddenly matured and spoke to me. As she did, I flashed on a series of books, circa 1930s with colored illustrated covers. This was the image that startled me awake. They had a very deep emotional/nostalgic resonance. Once awake, I thought about getting up and finding the books in a library, but on second thought, realized that the keyword in the title, Heller, was not in my database. However, the image does suggest that the entire emotional connection to tulpa comes from my childhood. Of note, I have continued to enact the nightly ritual of disconnecting Flora from my childhood associations with the real women in my history, e.g. mother, sister, and aunt.

I soon fell asleep after the above and the dream was a continuation of the above, however, from a slightly different perspective, I was a member of a seminar of psychology students who were discussing tulpamancy. This was for me a frustrating experience as it was being held outdoors and neighboring children were making too much noise with their play, for me to hear the discussion.

All metaphorical.

I will continue.

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  • 1 month later...

My lucid dreaming experiment has taken a different turn than I expected. I have added Mugwort to the regimen, which seems to have brought me closer to the awake side than the sleep side. Last night, I took both the Galantamine and the Mugwort, at 3:AM. I had a dream, though I was sure I was awake. I was lucid after a fashion. I could go back in the dream when I wanted to try a different strategy to accomplish whatever goal it was I was pursuing. I did this many times. There was no feminine presence, and I did not think to call for Flora. At length, my wife reached over and touched me. I was very awake. I turned and took her wrist, then we cuddled. I was awake and thought she would get up soon. Time passed slowly. I could hear myself snore, I was drooling, I could not move my body. She got up, finally, and I could move. I looked at my watch. It read 5:30 AM, I then went back into the same state, e.g. not able to move. My 6 and 6:30 AM alarms sounded. She came and woke me at a little before 7AM and I could finally move and get out of bed. At that point, I remembered two fragments of dreams that I must have had between 6:30 and 7 as they both pertained to getting out of bed. I also remembered two aspects of my lucid dream: one, I was in a prison, trying to escape, and two, in my jail cell bunk, I could go inside my brain and see the universe. (Talk about freedom!)

I am concerned about my tulpas. I have been writing about them, thinking about them, forcing, narrating, and visualizing. I have had almost no contact during the day and none during my dreaming.? I continue…

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I contend that you have taken a difficult path for the hope of greater gain. Whereas typical forcing, including parroting, leads to more doubt initially but the strength of the connection is no less potent or useful, just not in that ideal 5 senses ideal way as you and I have both experienced in altered states. For me it was hypnagogia alone, and in some dreams, maybe a mix of the two at one time or another. 

 

It would be absolutely delightful to experience life with them in that state of super-realism, indistinguishable if not better than reality with a perfect body of our own at any age we please. 

 

This is not meant to discourage you, on the contrary, I hope you do find the holy grail in that way. I'm just pointing out youay be missing something on that quest for perfection. That said I believe you have benefited undeniably regardless.

 

I have one more piece of advice, you should never worry about them. The worry is an anti-totem in my experience. They'll neither dissolve or diminish. They're immortal and indestructible in my experience, and shelf life is nigh infinite as some of my headmates exemplify.

 

As always, good luck!

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