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Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?  

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  1. 1. Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?

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I can imagine receiving bits of sentences, feelings of being touched, and glimpses of Flora both when I meditate and in my dreams. None of these bits are accompanied by tulpish speech or emotion, nor the powerful emotional signals that heralded her in the past. Thought I would add that, as perhaps, others might have had or are having such experiences. Dr. B

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Nothing again today. I did think that perhaps I am missing Flora’s signals. I did invite her to keep trying, and apologizing for my dullness. It is also possible that something in my brain has shifted and it is not putting her together in a coherent way. All mysterious, and I continue my practice.

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Thank you.  I had another very disconcerting miss today. I went down for a nap and I am not sure if I was asleep or not, I was in a dream-like state of consciousness, and lucid. I was seeing a variety of images, a clock face comes to my memory now, and then I saw only blankness. I thought to myself, now would be a wonderful time for Flora to make herself known, and there was nothing. just blankness. I don't know how long this lasted as there was nothing happening to indicate the passage of time. I probably went into a real sleep, if I hadn't been, because when I awoke it was two hours after I had gone down for the nap. I was quite disappointed. I talked to Flora (should I say 'at Flora'?) and voiced my feelings in the matter. I do not know why this is happening. In the past, even when she was no longer imposing visually, we were still able to converse. I will have another shot tomorrow, as I will be driving alone and our very best connections have come when I have been able to do that.

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I had another upsetting dream. I was lucid through out this one. I won't go into much of it as it was unrelated to the upsetting part. I was a helper. I was persecuted for helping. In the course of my reacting to the persecution, I joined, first a group of young schoolchildren, I spoke (in a rather condescending tone) to several of them, and secondly, a group of etymologists looking at tiny bugs on a roof. All of this was while I was escaping my persecutors. I felt no urgency during this activity and made conscious choices in my methods of getting away. Was disturbed me, was NO sign of Flora. I was looking for her, expecting that she might join me. When she didn't, I called to her. Once I was sure I was safe, I began a search for her, flying high over the landscape. I found no evidence that she was anywhere. I searched several different dreamscapes. This was particularly disturbing as I had earlier in the day, felt her to be near, but I immediately began to experience severe nerve pain in my leg, then generalized anxiety. These symptoms drove out the emotion of her nearness. When I found myself in a lucid dream, I was sure that I would find her. Upsetting to say the least…

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Not much change. No contact. Have been dreaming, vivid and alive dreams, without the slightest sign of tulpa. Meditations have been the same, and my rituals have been non-productive. I have increased my forcing’s and narrations, and I am able to redefine a lot of my brain’s racket, as tulpish communication. It is not satisfactory, nor produces any tulpa-heralding emotion. However, I continue. Of note, I have been in a great deal of physical pain from my back, and been ordered to my bed. (I can lie flat, stand or walk, No sitting or bending) Perhaps Flora has better sense than to want to come forth into this body!

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I am sorry to hear that. I hope everything improves for you

Creation for creation's sake.

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Same old, same old, with one exception, I had the anticipation of a feeling that Flora might be near during my meditation yesterday. That was it.  I continue…. I am by the way, feeling much better than yesterday. I will be able to perform a walking meditation later today.  Maybe then, Flora will come forward. Dr. B

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Again, touched by Flora. And not a moment more. She is there, I can feel her. And I am not finding a way to bring her fully out and into my reality. I am encouraged by what we have, and discouraged by not being able to complete this process. So be it, I will continue. B

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Another day of frustrating practice. Hints (of presence) and touches (from her),  over the noise of my mind in meditation. I have been a meditator for many years. I have never worried about what my mind was doing, as I didn't look for a particular result. Now, after an invocation, then trying to remain silent in my head (and heart, that was the word trying to come onto the page) I get hints and touches. When I hear an actual sentence, said by her, it is her 'scolding' me. I have been thinking that while my daily writing practice, concerns her, it is not 'by her' or even directly about her. Perhaps that is the problem and she believes that I am locking her out. In the past I gave her time to write her own story and to write letters to me. If I can, I will see if I am able to do that again. I do want to know what she is feeling. Dr. B

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