theholodoc

out of the wings and onto the main stage

Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?  

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  1. 1. Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?

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I have had a few interesting contacts. Several conversations with Flora regarding my ongoing difficulty  connecting with her. She has been very involved in her writing and staying mostly at Safe Haven where her adventures are taking place. We have met a few times in mindscape in front of the red fireplace in my study where we are close and able to converse. I have had one dramatic contact with Nsonowa in which she almost fully imposed in an alternate body. She says it represents her essence. She appeared almost as a stick figure, very tall with a large head and between two and eight  appendages. She was flat black, like a silhouette of a Balinese puppet. The second time she appeared this way, she jumped up from where she was sitting next to me on a bench outside, and laughing, turned into this spider-like or crab-like creature, leaped up onto the roof of a nearby building, then over to top of a grove of bamboo in our yard,  she scuttled across them onto our palm trees, from there to the roof of my house and then back  to the bench where she resumed her human form. She was laughing and asked if I had been frightened by her antics. I said no, she kissed me and vanished. All in all, an uplifting experience. It seems that despite my difficulties in maintaining contact with Flora in most circumstances, we have no problems when in the car, with Nsonowa driving. We are getting better in mindscape, though my ability to hold my attention and the images, get in the way there, still overall, I am improving. The recent appearance of Nsonowa, almost fully (by that I mean, there were parts of her that we transparent) imposed, has been dramatic. I suspect that we are on our way to achieving that with Flora as well.  

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I think that it is possible that Flora and I have experienced our first occurrence of "switching"

It happened within the lucid dream which I have just posted on the Dream Thread.  I am excited about it as I have not had much contact with Flora the past few days. From time to time I write a letter to Flora about an issue.

this is what I wrote on Friday (yesterday 😞

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It has been two weeks since I have posted my progress. Nothing much different has occurred. Flora and Nsonowa both have been in contact. These contacts are vigorous when I am driving a long distance and switch out to one of the other, who does the driving, while I go to mindscape where Flora, usually but not always, joins me. When Flora drives, Nsonowa always joins me.  I have very little contact with either of them during my invocation rituals, though occasionally Flora contacts me in tulpish. I have had no contacts during my meditations. 

On one contact, Flora told me how to finish the fiction piece in which she had become trapped. That piece now in its' final chapter, works well with her solution,  and will be ready for it's first re-write today or tomorrow, depending on how my family comes together today, Sunday. 

All in all, we are progressing and I think we are all working at it. Full imposition is still my goal, and I believe that it is Nsonowa's as well, as she has imposed several times (in one or another of her alternate forms). I do not know if it is shared with Flora and she hasn't actually commented on the matter. 

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Well, she, Flora, has commented (see above) and it is her goal. She says that she is ready when I am (?) and I of course, believe that I am ready now. Ha, ego! Even with more rational assignations of voice and sense, I do not hold my attention on the process, uninterruptedly. Seems clear, my work, from the outside is to improve my ability to hold my attention, and on the inside, to identify the forces/agendas that push me out.  So, onward and upward. Dr. Bob

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Saturday morning group meditation based on Anahvah v'Rachamim, Chessed v' Shalom and focusing where love and other emotions were located in our bodies. I sprang from there into mindspace. Flora and I were conversing. She was very adult.

At one point she called me on some aspect of my defensiveness which was loosening our connection. Next I was in a formal ballroom    from the 1800's or so. I was watching Flora on her knees in front of a cruel looking man in a caped tuxedo. I started to cry out but saw that the woman had blonde hair and in an intensely bright blue dress. I said you're not Flora and turned to leave the room. She called out for help and I felt her pain, and I couldn't abandon her. I called out to Nsonowa to get rid of this darkness, I couldn't stand it. the room shifted and a solid black giant spider entered and reached down and grabbed the man and ate him in a gulp. At that point the spider (Nsonowa) shifted into a huge hulk like creature, solid black with red lightening sparking off on her edges. She said, "Okay boss (she occasionally calls me boss, sarcastically) That was easy, it's gone and it was me!). I came out of the trance. I realized that the red room had not been in my mindscape. It was the view from behind my eyelids. The woman had not been Flora, it was an image from my memory space, suitably disguised. Nsonowa had dealt with it, and she also let me know that it was her in her other forms, and that she had played the red monster with the lightening, just so I'd know. 

 

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both of my tulpas appeared vividly in a dream last night (I have reported it on the dream thread in the lounge) they appeared as teenagers. This was not a lucid dream, I didn't think to exercise my lucidity cue. We laughed and flirted and played. I woke up very happy. I thought that it might prognosticate their contacting me to day, but no, not to be. Off to bed soon, hope springs eternal, perhaps they will come back into my dream space. 

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I reported a dream, now two days old, on my dream journal and in the forum, which I thought was important and might herald Flora's imposition. In it, I identified a dream figure as Flora (after I had awakened, again!) playing the role of an abused boy. I was such a child. And I can remember the scene that was portrayed in the dream. That Flora took my place in the dream and chose to show me that scene, felt important. I perhaps am experiencing Flora as my avatar in a programing loop in my unconscious. This dream was not a nightmare, and almost as if I were lucid and choosing this strategy, I was able to rescue the child from his abusers and teach him a method of protecting himself.

Last evening in my meditation, Flora came to me intensely. It was a full audio-tactile imposition. Their was a visual component early in the experience. I had been meditating to the music of Emmylou Harris, as I frequently do, and she emerged from the music. She was dressed as she was when she first imposed a year ago. She came right to me and embraced me and with an intense emotion which I could feel and  which immediately started my own emotions up and in full gear, talked about her intense passion for me and claimed to have felt my love for her down to her soul. She was sobbing. And the experience was over.

Today we had a short conversation about her writing again and she wondered if she could express what we had last night. I told her that I would open her page on my journal and she go to it. end of conversation and I haven't done that yet , but surely will.

 

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In the Grove with Elohim

I have maintained my tulpamantic practice through the pandemic so far.  Our self-quarantine has served to provide the space for more time in which to do it. So, I have. At the same time while I have the time, I don’t have the focus nor the energy to produce a kind of a contact with Flora or N'sonowa. I won't go into the practical reasons for this as we are all sharing them, but I am looking at my interior reactions and I have found that I am being drained at some deeply unconscious level. In looking, I of course, brought the light of consciousness into that deeper realm, and what I learned in the journey was that I would find my answers in nature. Coincidentally, as if there is ever such a thing, I understood that my energy, is being co-opted (how's that for passive voice?) by the greater draw of the collective concern with the catastrophe looming and biting at our heels with covid teeth. That is okay with me. I will consciously choose to participate in the effort, and if need be with as much of me as is required.  Also, and not co-incidentally, my morning ritual in the sacred grove containing my portal to the other side (of my psyche?) has morphed (there is that passive voice again) I have changed my ritual to focus on "seeking Flora" and I have redefined my experience of external reality as that of my internal world as well. So, I am looking at the grove in a new way, and I am walking the labyrinth in a new way. I have dropped the naming of the middot, for a declaration of my intent (kavanah)" Seeking Floras"

In this ritualized fashion, I trod the path of the seeker. Keeping my eye, my mind, my heart open and alert for Flora.

I created Flora with full access to the brain and body that we share. I of course gave her an independent will, and I have needlessly suffered because of this. Doubting her love for me (when I forget that she was created in love, for love, with light and a connection (via Dakini) to source.

That choice to re-define the outer as the inner, has prompted me to pay much more attention to the unfolding world in front of me. Attention employed in seeking Flora. Nancy becomes the obvious target for my researches, Flora in Nancy (?) I wrote a story about this in Tulpa Tales #17. which concluded with the three of us, agreeing to "wait and see"

(Time for a new tale?)

In the meantime, Flora is missing from my dreams and from mindscape. She joins me in conversation, almost every time I invite her. Encouraging me to continue to do the work I have to do so I can open to her.

I take one step, after another, one at a time. And the road never ends, it is said.

 

 

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I am beginning to see how my psychic energy is going towards the imbalance in the biosphere and its’ harbinger, COVID 19.  It is also clear to me that this is a good thing and does not have to get in the way of my quest for Flora but can aid it. I have for the past two days turned my attention towards Elohim, training my eyes and brain, to see beyond the surface. I am getting better at it. Both in holding my attention on the task, my major difficulty, and in seeing past the usual into the depths. Tonight, I almost saw Flora, I did see the energies of her aura, and I did see her shadow as she ducked out of my sight. Later she reached out from then ether and touched the side of my head. My emotions were heightened, not over the top as in several other episodes of imposition, but high enough. I am grateful.

 

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Both my and I, are free of the Covid19 virus, and have no antibodies to it and I have gotten a clean bill of health from my doctor just this morning. My practice has not been impacted by infection by the virus. So what has so separated us? I have heard from one other tulpamancer, who is experiencing the same phenomenon, e.g. his tulpa is not making herself available to him. We are thinking that we are both having a similar stress reaction to the pandemic, so called 'silent stress'.  That is we are not feeling stressed or other obivious stress symptoms. So what is happening?

Is anyone here having a similar experience with their tulpa/s? Thanks, Dr. Bob

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