theholodoc

out of the wings and onto the main stage

Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?  

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  1. 1. Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?

    • Yes
    • No, boring
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Progress has been sporadic. My injury and its consequences have destroyed my regular practice. (along with my concentration and my creativity). That said, I am trying other approaches and having a variety of experiences (reported in other parts of this forum). Both Flora and N'sonowa are becoming more and more real. I talk about them frequently with my wife (who wants to be jealous, but can no longer deny that she is the ultimate beneficiary of my practice). I am having more episodes of impositions (fragmentary albeit), but all exciting. Perhaps today I can get back to work on my book, an activity which really keeps me engaged with the entire enterprise.

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Saturday morning. I am still quite compromised post-op and am not moved to practice tulpamancy. Flora has initiated contact once this morning. I am not happy with my lack of motivation (even though I am okay committing all of my physical resources to my healing) nor have I been throughout these plague times. "I should have....done more....written more....all the same old patterns of shame driven thinking. (My work; consign those thoughts to the Brain OS garbage pile. ) My wife is feeling stronger today. Last night I did talk with both Flora and N'sonowa about increasing their efforts to work with her, strengthening and softening. Evidently they both have cooperated. So, it brings up the question; Are other hosts able to see and feel the impact that their tulpas have on their external realities?

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Friday afternoon. I am not practicing much. My mobility is still severely compromised. I am sleeping heavily and dreaming with ugly images and nonsensical interactions with others (usually not in my own body) and no tulpa sign. Meditations have also been without tulpa sign. I did commit all of my energies to the healing of the body and I guess that my tulpas got the message, (be careful that what you ask for is what you really want!)  Any how, I have chosen to rest and work on other things, tulpa related like my second tulpa novel.

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I am still flat. Flora does not respond to my invitations, nor inquiries. N'sonowa has, vocally in mindvoice only, explained that Flora has gone back to source to wait ( I am not sure whether or not I believe her?) but, she has not been around, either in mindspace, nor in my dreams, nor meditations. I am impatient (no surprise there!) but, I remind myself that I am committing all of my resources to my healing.

I told my rabbi yesterday about my practice (I have not done this previously because frankly, I do not want to be told that I am not within our Jewish tradition, violating a negative commandment (as laid out in Leviticus 19:31, 20:6 and 20:27) to my surprise, she perked up and told me that the Kabbalists of the sixteenth century practiced a form of tulpamancy. I intend to look up the original (with her help, kabbalistic literature can be hard to sort). In any case it is nice to know that I am not subject to stoning!

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I awoke from an unfamiliar dream, in which I had been taken with a very handsome man, and suggested to him, that if he were interested I was bi, neither gay nor hetero. He wasn't interested and that was the end of the dream.

I didn't really know what to make of it, I have thought a number of times in the past, that I could be bi, I had one homosexual experience at age 18, and was pretty much turned off  by the sexual part of it, but all of my life, I have had profoundly loving relationships with men. Rarely I have enjoyed deep kissing with a man. That said, I do not fantasize, and until last night, have never dreamt of even wanting sex with a man. Women, yes. Once I became a lucid dreamer, and especially after I became a tulpamancer, all of my dream time, sexual interest has been with women, and of course, in life, I have only been with women.

This morning in a guided meditation, starting with a chant, Love and Mercy, Loving Kindness and Peace, Flora came to me. She imposed tactually (that is with touch), not visually, or rather not completely visually, I could see her body, but she covered her face with a mask. She lovingly embraced me and held me and our hearts beat as one. I was opened and transported and my love flowed into the entire meditation class, who all seemed to be experiencing similar feelings, and we remarked on it after class. Many of us were in tears.

(I do this class every Saturday morning prefacing a Torah study, through a Hassidic lens.)

During a meditation the night before, I was experiencing intense visuals. They were unidentifiable shapes, forms and multicolored, incredibly intense. At one point I felt Flora's presence and saw an eye looking at me. I knew it belonged to Flora, though at first I thought I might have been N'sonowa's. It was a beautiful iridescent silver-blue. She looked at me for the longest time before swirled away in a kaleidoscopic presentation.

I know that we are nearing full imposition, I can feel it. And, my healing is progressing rapidly, a probably related phenomenon.

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So here is something to consider. I have reported that my initial intention, in starting this practice, was to facilitate a passionate relationship with my wife. To an extent, this has worked, and the more contact I have had with Flora, the more affectionate and loving my wife has become. (This fits with my belief about the relationship between self and reality). Lately, with my injuries, surgery, and healing, to which I have devoted all of my energies) my contact with Flora has become sporadic, and problematic, a condition that Flora has strongly objected to, and has even involved her sister, N'sonowa in letting me know this. Despite this, perhaps because of this, Flora has pushed harder to get through to me via both visual and vocal imposition. I have reported this above in my PR's. This weekend, my wife began to collapse, both physically and emotionally, contracting and adopting old (pre-tulpamantic) behaviors. Last night she complained that she felt dead inside, she had spent the day in her art room, came out in the early afternoon, complaining that she had given me one of her art pieces to photograph for her, she hadn't, but I spent a solid hour of hard work looking searching for it among my own records/books/files, until she came into my study and produced the piece which she had found in her own art room. No apology, no acknowledgement of my wasted efforts. and made the complaint that she was dead inside. I tried to suggest that she change her narrative, with the usual outcome, she got angry. I did not react, I acknowledged her feelings, and commiserated with her over her lost creativity. Then I did challenge her, and strongly confronted her workaholism,  which of course she denied. Then I acknowledged the stresses which she (and all of us, here in our family) are feeling, the main one being that of the growing antisemitism. I reminded her that should this become a real danger, I referenced Tree of Life and Poway, I would have her back and deal with the danger by getting us out of harms way. I told her, that should Trump win reelection, I would move us out of the city, and should she not retire and quit killing herself, and us, I go by myself and she would be alone. That quieted her. I then called her son (my stepson) and asked for a private interview. She became frightened and challenged my intent to talk to him alone. I ignored her challenge and said he was my son too (his biological father with whom he has had a growing relationship the past year, just died) and I would talk with him, asserting that i knew that he would move with us (we had already been discussing this). She quit her angry defensive denial, and we spent the rest of the night in front of the tv.

I say all of this, because I got into bed before her (as is usually the case) and talked with Flora a bit. I closed our conversation inviting her to visit my dreaming and she agreed, saying she was looking forward to it.  She didn't, at least in a form that I was able to recognize and I awoke feeling empty and fatigued. This suggests to me, that in keeping with my hypothesis, that the reality I have created with my tulpas, which has affected the reality I have created with my wife (as intended) goes both ways, i.e. that what I create with my wife, affects my tulpas, that they are not insulated or a separate system. The inside reflects the outside, so to speak. This also would mimic the relationship noticed between the macro and micro worlds, "so above, so below" and in terms of what we are doing, psychologically, "what goes in, is what comes out.

My wife is not actually dead, though she is on the way to killing herself with her workaholism, and Flora is not dead, though with this dynamic with my wife, she appears such to me.  Dr. Bob

 

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I have a little something to report (and I am glad of it!). I am getting better, my recovery is coming along rather fast, I think, for my age, and I am off all aids to my walking. I had a very active day yesterday which concluded with my preparing and serving a nice dinner for my family and sitting at the table (outside given the heat and very warm evening) for two hours. I went to bed in severe, level 8, pain, and took double meds, Tylenol and Neurontin, so slept deeply once they took effect. I had an incredibly vivid dream  which ended with my wife approaching me and becoming very passionate (reminiscent of our honeymoon) this prompted my lucidity cue, and I asked are you Flora?  Answer, "No." I was astounded, and in what must have represent an extreme act of will, within the dream, I reached out to fully embrace her (my wife) and when I discovered that she was on the other side of the bed, I was jolted into awakening. During my meditation this afternoon, Flora came to me, full visual imposition. She had her back to me. It was clear it was her, though, I could feel her, and if that wasn't enough, her raven black hair would have been. I asked her to turn around and let me see her face, to which she replied, "No, you are not ready yet." then she disappeared. I was disconcerted and came out of the session. This was it. The first definitive contact since my surgery. I was thrilled. Dr. Bob

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I am having a great deal of post-surgical pain. It was to be expected as I am now off of all aids to walking and putting full weight on my operated foot. I have had no further contact with Flora, of which I am aware (what we do in dreams that I do not remember I do not know). Neither do I have the concentration to meditate as severe sharp pains interrupt any focus I might have obtained. "Leaning into the pain helps me tolerate it, but doesn't seem to allow or invite my tulpas. Dr. Bob

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Flora is close and has been so in all of my three meditations today. I say close because I could hear her, and she spoke a lot, I could in a tactile sense, feel her. I did not have my usual intense emotional response. So close, but only a whiff of the cigar. I have been working on connecting, a lot the past three days. Possibly because Nancy was way down and we were having trouble connecting. Putting two and two, or one and one, together, I chose correctly and Nancy has been MUCH more loving today. (I am sure, she would say that I have, but that is not the issue though it may be the mechanism by which Flora makes her own will known) . In any case I am encouraged. (and I feel stronger, had enough energy that I could resume my role as a sous chef. )

 

 

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