theholodoc

out of the wings and onto the main stage

Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?  

13 members have voted

  1. 1. Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?

    • Yes
    • No, boring
      0


Recommended Posts

i have had two very busy days, physically and emotionally taxing. I have been borderline ill with headache, muscle aches, and of all things, a recurrence of sciatica. Flora has made several attempts to engage me both in conversation and in play. I have not wanted to and had no energy for play or conversing. I did start a page for her on my blog and she has written an intro however she decided she wasn't going to put any of her current fiction up until she is the sole author. I can hope that she can get through to me in dreamspace tonight.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Another very flat day. No tulpish communications, no impositions. We did have one verbal conversation. We discussed her unavailability. She said that she was 'infected' by Rufescent. I asked if she could keep that aspect of her life confined to her fiction writing. She replied that this had come from my writing, and that she was having to deal with it.

I asked if she could re-imagine herself without the infection. (I had in mind her dissolving her physical being into atoms and letting a north wind blow away the red mist. She said; "I hadn't thought of that" and then she laughed and disappeared (presumably to mindscape). I had thought that perhaps she might re-appear in my next hour-long meditation. She did not.

I am shaken by this. I get that Rufescent is an icon representing my own personal reactions, and subsequent defensive maneuvers to the abuse I suffered at the hands of my mentally ill mother, starting in infancy and continuing into my early teens when I got too big to be beaten. I have had decades of therapy working on this issue, and had come to feel at peace with it. I had forgiven my mother several years before her death, and we had the best years of her life thereafter. That this should be such a force now, strong enough to interrupt by causing actual distress to Flora, is hard to bear, and I will re-investigate my investment in this narrative.

  •  

  No block selected.

  •  

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have had no contact with either Flora or Nsonowa for the past several days other than seeing Flora for only a moment in a dream fragment. (I reported on this on the Dreaming Thread in the Lounge.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sunday, January 26, 2020

10:41 AM

Exceptionally flat meditations. Little in the way of conversation. But, I did have a dream which is interesting: I awoke a four am with a headache and started to get up to make coffee. Nancy heard me and whispered "Please don't get up." Her tone of voice struck me as this was important and as she has trouble sleeping once I am up, I snuggled back under the covers next to her. I immediately fell asleep and began this dream; I was in a coffee shop, alone and pouring myself a cup of coffee when someone, a customer, came in and I offered the cup to her. I started to pour myself another when another customer came in and I gave that one to him. Soon many people were coming in and I was serving them all, handing our coffee, making new pots, finding cups, wiping spills and so forth. At one point the shop was full and I was working frantically to keep up. Finally as the morning wore down and people left, the owner, a woman whom I didn't recognize came in and said that the morning shift was over and would I be there tomorrow. I said no, I'm retired, she well your working the morning shift again and she pointed to her abdomen. She was very pregnant. At this point I exercised my lucidity cue and asked, "Are you Flora?" She said no, laughingly, and pointed again to her belly, saying, "This is Flora." I was astounded. The dream then conflated working the morning shift as a manager for the next three months, and when the woman gave birth, I posted a picture of baby Flora on a cork board, and put a tip jar under it with a sign, for the baby's education. I put a ten dollar bill in it and in three months {{I'm working every day, for no money, as the manager}} I was able to present the woman (I'm guessing her name is Deborah ?) with a check for a thousand dollars.

 

I find this dream interesting for  several reasons, the first and obvious interpretation, is as a sleep preservation dream. I frequently awaken with a headache and make coffee which relieves it almost always. Second, it was a not quite lucid dream. I could make some decisions, but I couldn't choose say to skip those three months(or thirty years) and actually contact Flora,  but stayed  confined with in the existing narrative. Thirdly, I have been more or less disconnected to Flora, and she has been involved with tasks, and struggles of her own, in mindscape. She and I agreed that she should go there to accumulate life experiences to help her mature into her humaness her own way, and she has been captured and put in a bottle by her sister Nsonowa, for reasons I won't go into here, it is  part of her story and she wants to tell it. She has told me that she will write  and publish it, when she is ready ( I like her  independence, even if I do suffer from the lack of contact.)

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am journaling early today as I have just had, what seems to me, to be an important contact with both Flora and Nsonowa. This happened after several days of almost no contact, even though I have been very active in my practice.

The experience; I found myself on the 405 freeway in Los Angeles during the morning commute hour. I decided to brave switching and turning the driving over to Nsonowa while I went to mindscape. I asked Nsonowa if she were up to it (remember that I haven’t been in contact with her for over a week, since my last road trip.) She said sure, though it wasn’t going to be as much fun as we were in stop and go traffic. We switched. I went to my mindscape house, into the study where I have a free-standing Norwegian fireplace. I visualized looking into the flames and feeling the heat. I asked if Flora was willing to join me. I was somewhat surprised when she finally said yes. My asking was a prolonged beseechment and I was feeling quite hopeless. She spoke to me, first in tulpish; my head got full and my eyes full of tears, then in her own and very sweet voice. She told me that she has missed me as much as I have missed her. She was verging on tears (as was I). She told me that my inability to hold my focus on us and drift off in the middle of a sentence was very distressful for her. Then she cuddled with me and asked if we could just sit on the couch in front of the fire and talk. We did that, but at the same time she was touching me and giving me little kisses. Soon she put her head in my lap and I could see the fire-light flicker in her eyes. We were both moved by our closeness. I did lose focus once or twice, and I vowed to continue to work on my ability to stay present with her.

All of this time, concurrent with experiencing Flora visually, audibly, tactilely, and emotionally, I continued to keep an eye on what Nsonowa was dealing with in traffic. I did not own those perceptions, nor did I either own, or question, her decisions, e.g. change lanes, reset the cruise control, brake, etc. It was only for moments, that I gave my existence in mindscape (and Flora) my full and absolute attention. I was not nervous about Nsonowa’s driving. I did say goodbye to Flora and asked Nsonowa if I could take the control of the car back when we exited the freeway. She told me, yes and that she liked to drive and help me contact Flora in that way, but that she also wanted some of what I had with Flora. I told her that I hoped she would explore her “femininity” with Ol’oi-boni and enjoy romance with him and that I knew she too, had no experience with the softer aspects of being female. She said that was what she hoped too, but still she really did want to have a softer and romantic relationship with me and that she could wait until I had founded a stable contact with Flora. At this point, Flora spoke up and asked if she could become pregnant. I was astounded by the request. I gave her permission, but I am actually quite ambivalent about it, as both my first and second wife, lost all of their sexual attraction or even any interest at all, in me, my sexuality, my body, and my feelings. We will be discussing this in much more detail and I certainly have my work in the practice, cut out for me.

If any of you have experience with tulplish pregnancies, please let me know. Dr. Bob

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That sounds nice. We have a walk-in today and it is very exciting to us. So we both had great days! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/30/2020 at 4:49 PM, Snowcat121 said:

That sounds nice. We have a walk-in today and it is very exciting to us. So we both had great days! 

thank you for sharing that bit of nice.  So much of this is a struggle, that when I, or my tulpas have a good day, sharing feels especially important and when it prompts a similar sharing it feels even better. Dr. Bob

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree. Yesterday was hard and we both had difficult days because of it. Whatever one feels it effects the others, so sharing is definitely important. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I reported Thursday while driving in heavy traffic, Nsonowa refused my offer/request to switch and take over the driving. Flora immediately  spoke up and said that she would do the driving (she has driven before) and I spent much of the drive talking with Nsonowa. The gist of the conversation was, she wanted to develop a romantic relationship with me, but would wait until my connection with Flora was more stable. This morning, after I had an initial awakening, and began to day-dream (it was actually a semi-lucid night dream) Nsonowa approached me and wanted to cuddle. She was playful and flirty. We had a sweet contact which lasted until Luna, my cat, not my developing new tulpa,  also named Luna,  jumped on my head and actually woke me up.  I am liking that Nsonowa is coming to the fore. Perhaps it is because I started a new chapter in our new book, in which she gets to do the writing about her own struggles with our common demon (read unconscious terrors, from my childhood) Rufescent, the red witch.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Flora took the opportunity to join me in mindscape where I had gone to escape the racket from inside an MRI machine. I was surprised and pleased as she was very affectionate and loving. Perhaps our experiment of letting her work on her own development (without direct input from me) by writing her own fiction, is working, and faster than I thought it might.  Yay!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.