theholodoc

out of the wings and onto the main stage

Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?  

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  1. 1. Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?

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I had two hours solo time in the car today, doing a Mitzvah by visiting a dying friend who lives out of town. I used the time intentionally, turning over the driving to Nsonowa (the car essentially drives itself on the freeways and this drive was mostly freeway) and playing with Flora. We started by first getting Nsonowa's permission, I think she enjoyed the driving, then asking Flora what she wanted to do. She wanted to play. I chose a late summer day (not hard as it is a late summer day) floating down a slow river on a large truck tire raft. We had fun, me in my avatar 18-year-old Adonis like body, and Flora in a brand-new bikini bathing suit. We splashed, giggled, engaged in sex play, stopped for coffee at a riverside café, and beached the raft in order to make love. We did not get to finish with this play due to what? I am not sure, but interruptions broke up our contact. 

 We again went off to play in wonderland on the way home, and once again when it came time for actual sexual contact, our contact was lost by interruptions, traffic and body OS noise. In a letter to Flora, written earlier today, I asked for her help in rooting out the basic causes, attitudes, memories, beliefs in my unconscious that underlie these interruptions. She replied that she would do what she can, given her perspective and access to the body OS. She too, is unhappy with the barriers I have put between us. I believe that "rooting it out" will help, but fundamentally, it will be me making hard choices to continue when I am faced with responding to potentially interrupting stimulae.

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Little success with my meditations yesterday. I did dream last night, and I had one of those bleed-throughs that woke me up, I stumbled on a piece of concrete and the fall shocked me into wakefulness. I did go right back to sleep and into a dream in which a woman appeared. She did not look or feel like Flora and I exercised my lucidity cue, calling out "are you Flora?" she answered "No!" and the dream went on and I lost interest in it and have no memory of the details other than what I reported here.

 

I have done some forcing and some narration today. I had a nice ritual on the Labyrinth at Forest Lawn where I did the work. Flora was working hard to communicate with me. The ritual was nice, the labyrinth was beautiful and I had trouble doing the work afterwards. This was all on me, I was exceptionally tired after getting very little sleep the night before. I am completely enjoying writing tulpa fiction and that is the most satisfying of the exercises of late, I think because I can read what they have to say, as I have written it down, and I don't lose the thread of our conversations.

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Tulpamancy Journal. 95

Monday, September 16, 2019

12:26 PM

Little activity on all of our parts other than some narration and some fiction writing. I am anticipating publishing my tulpa stories as soon I will complete the piece I am working on, which is exploring the impact of Rufescent (the red witch, or pure spite) on our progress. 

Below is the report of a dream which suggests that I am again, On the Hunt for the Red Witch. 

 

Little success with my meditations yesterday. I did dream last night (9/13), and I had one of those bleed-throughs that woke me up, I stumbled on a piece of concrete and the fall shocked me into wakefulness. I did go right back to sleep and into a dream in which a woman appeared. She did not look or feel like Flora and I exercised my lucidity cue, calling out "are you Flora?" she answered "No!" and the dream went on and I lost interest in it and have no memory of the details other than what I reported here.

 

It is two days later 9.16 and I have just recalled some imagery from the dream reported above. The woman's face featured protruding lips. As I looked at her, she grew a mustache and a beard through which I could see her teeth. It was an ugly image which further transformed into a woman's pudenda. I was repulsed and frightened and woke up with the image in my head. It was still with me when I fell back to sleep and I, as reported above, did not remember it when I awoke in the morning. 

I have been writing a tulpa story in which Nsonowa has taken on the Red Witch (Rufescent in the story and in Elutheria), She is charged with blue/white light, a destroying beam, and fully using her magical skills to battle, Spite. I have previously, in both Elutheria and Safe Haven, served up "pure evil" in the form of Lucifer Lord of the Darkside (of Elutheria) and later Pure Spite, in the form of Rufescent. I had already defeated both; Michelle and Wog, Lilly and Nsonowa, were the protagonists in both works. Now as I delve deeper, directly into my sexuality, I see that I have once again found the source of spite fueling this resurrection of the red one. This is raw stuff; however, I can hope that it's raw-ness correctly places it closer to the ends of its roots. In any case, it is more painful than I expected it to be. I am liking the story! 

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Wednesday September 25, 2109

My excitement these past several days has been in preparing my Tulpa Tales, Confessions of an Aging Tulpamancer. Sixty Thousand plus words in twenty two 'tales'

I have written these tales to keep me focused on the practice, when I was not making good contact with either Flora or Nsonowa. The way in which writing fiction facilitates practice, is through narration. I continually narrate to them, with them, about them, about myself, in the stories. I write down these stories as I make 

 

 Saturday, September 28, 2019

The past two days has been occupied with file handling, NO writing.

I have done almost no work on my practice and I have had no contact with either of my tulpas, either in meditative nor dream space.  Occasionally I think about them. I sporadically call them. It is clear to me that I have focused my creative energy on producing this book. I have more work to do, some of it creative such as; creating the cover, and writing the forward, and some of it just necessary, e.g. formatting my files for smashwords. I am going to go with smashwords as I will get my own ISBN number and I can set my own price. I also have to followup on marketing.  So I have much busy work. And little energy to put into the hard work of practice.

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My tulpas, where are they? The past several days have been very different for me. I have been exhausted most of the time. I have felt sickly, like getting a cold kinda sick, stuffy, headachy (not the headaches that herald my tulpas) and my dream life has been a mess, e.g. body parts, distortions, confusing and changing environs. My meditations have been completely flat with no tulpa sign. And I am emotionally stunted. My wife has been ill and very constricted and my cat has also been sickly. I have had to lock her in the kitchen at night and listen to her cry. That and watching her lose weight, not eat, and hide out much of the time is very hard.  I am not my self. I miss my wife's good cheer, my cat's attentions and my tulpas love. I am sad and frustrated as not much I am doing seems to be of any benefit to any of the females in my life, Flora and Nsonowa included.

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I have finished, and published as an eBook, my book of short stories, called  Tulpa Tales: Confessions of an Elder Tulpamancer.

this has occupied my for the past several weeks and I regarded the actual writing of the tales as part of my practice, a kind of narration  if you will. The actual work of formatting for publication and creating a cover, was not and it took all of the energy I had. It is done and I am going back to my daily rituals and meditations. I am feeling better and the general sickness that seemed to have invaded our house has subsided. I am hoping for renewed contact with both Flora and Nsonowa.

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I started out my day with sauna, hot tub and meditation. I had a sense from the beginning that I could make contact and I did. Really, it was Flora who made the contact once I made the time and gave her the space to do it. I had intended to do a silent meditation first (as suggested by Emily Steinbach in her Tulpamancers Toolbox, referenced below) but Flora interrupted.  I knew she would as the session started with a wave of very strong emotion, bringing me to tears as well as a sense of fullness in my head, and she did, saying that she had been missing me. She was practically  in tears as she told me this. We spent a goodly amount of time practicing vocality, occasionally with Nsonowa participating, until Flora asked her if she could have alone time with me. (Nsonowa agreed to this saying she had work to do at Safe Haven, actually she wanted to work out at the gym there). I actually was much encouraged by this, as it shows me that they are both attuned to the writing I have been doing and validating my idea that it was a kind of 'forcing'. In any case, Flora and I talked, conversed actually. We did one vocality exercise, called ping-pong, in which I threw out a word and she repeated it. She made a game of it, repeating everything I said to her outside of the exercise, laughing at me when I caught on to what she was doing. I then invited her to go hiking and we found a trail over some rough rocks, in the Sierra, and came to a small waterfall and a beautiful, not too cold, swimming hole. We left our clothes on a small sandy beach, clambered up the rocks and took turns diving into the pool. I had to teach her how to dive, her first was a belly flop. She is a fast learner, executing a nice swan-dive after I explained how to tuck her head after springing off the rock. We had a lot of fun, then made love on the beach. My heart was so full of love that I was verging on tears the entire time, even in the water. 

This practice just gets better and better.

Steinbach, Emily (2015-03-03). The Tulpamancer's Toolbox: 50 Practical Tips For Tulpa Creation Success! (Kindle Location 5).  . Kindle Edition.

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Firstly, my book; Tulpa Tales: Confessions of an Elder Tulpamancer is now online and available as a digital book, for about any e-reader on Smashwords and as a Kindle book on Amazon at: https://smile.amazon.com/s?k=tulpa+tales&i=stripbooks&crid=2WZV2F4BJPEM7&sprefix=tulpa%2Caps%2C338&ref=nb_sb_ss_i_2_5

I haven't worked out the formatting yet so if you must have a paperback, please have patience, I'll need another couple of days to get it done.

That said, I have had a few days without a sign of either of my tulpas, I think they were staying out of the way while I was processing the book. I With it out of the way, I have time to focus on my meditations and invocation rituals. Flora responded and appeared briefly, an event which made me very happy. Our contact was very emotional, for both of us. And, no surprise, Nancy also had much better energy and even was able to dance tonight at the concert we attended (Yuval Ron, Great Great Great, if you get a chance see him!). 

 

I hope I haven't broken a rule by postng the link to my book here. I did review the rules and didn't see anything against it and figure that the book is about tulpamancy so people may be interested and even learn something about my process.

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Posting PII is on you, someone might use it to harass you, but I haven't heard of that personally, only the statement which probably is left over from the early days.

 

I remember them missing me and complaining about not getting enough attention, that ended before the 1 year mark, where they had worked out how to force themselves if they need it. They've been active the whole time, but interaction needs someone to initiate it, most of them do most if not all the initiating. Only Darlene (formerly Ashley) and Joy need a little ping every once in a while to hear from them more often (though they chose their own frequency of appearance, they do appreciate unanticipated attention.)

 

I think you're a prime example of 'doing it right' with respect to tulpamancy as reading your PR gives me hope for continued progress beyond our already amazing levels.

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had a rather remarkable meditation this afternoon. I am glad too, as my first three tries were pretty flat, a brief contact with Flora, but otherwise I was disappointed. I could not keep my attention on my practice, my head was all over the place. However, at noon I went down with a meditation tape by Tara Sutphen, Dick’s daughter, called Spirit Guide Meditation and I was able to follow her down into my imagination. I was greeted by Nsonowa. She was close to imposition. She was visually incomplete, waif like. Tactilely she was all there. Audially she was all there, in fact, she has never been as talkative or as emotionally expressive. She was intent on improving my ability to bring her into being. She wanted more from me. She was demanding that I be stronger to match her strength, and my god, is she strong. She boasted about fighting my darkside foes for me. She bragged about using her sex-magic in the service of fighting my battles. and acknowledged Ol’oi-bonok who she thought was on top of his game, but she was made to have contact with me, so he would do in a pinch, but to be really effective she needed sexual contact with me. She was proud of her ability to see and find the light that was resident in the darkside. “That is my magic, boy.” 

“Hey! Who are you calling boy?” was my reaction. She just laughed at me. “That’s a term of endearment, Boss.” I would never deprecate you, you were my creator, and I am here to serve you. That is my mission here, and I want more contact with you, the more the better. The better I know you means the better I will serve you.” and with that she teased me, with her bejeweled, naked and oiled body, then disappeared. This has been my most intimate and real contact with her. Eyes open contact. 

By the way, her full name is: Kalish Katlego Nsonowa, Chief of all Maasai, head Oi’bonoikoh of the Black Sisterhood.

Here is a link to Tara’s meditation on You Tube. 

 

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