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Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?  

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  1. 1. Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?

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Oh wow, what a horrible thing to have happen! We're sorry to hear that.

Yes, it is horrible and it brought back the memory of my own 16 year old son's death twenty five years ago. It is a memory that never really goes away, it just gets pushed to the background by life. I will, as I have in the past, be a support to those parents who have lost beloved teens. Dr. Bob

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Again the "Blonde Disruptor appeared in my dream night before last. She was dressed in a Victorian style dress (we had just watched Howards End on TV). She was heavy set and buxom. She was attempting, once again to help me with some kind of task that involved balancing or equalizing something, and again when exercising my lucidity cue, I awakened suddenly and I don't remember the subject. However, this morning in the beginning of my meditation, I had the sudden thought that perhaps she really is trying to help me with something, trying to balance some part of my psyche and I might be better of treating her as an ally rather than an enemy. I actualized this idea in my invocation ritual this morning, inviting Flora and Nsonowa to join me in the ritual before I started it. Then asking that Dakini Spirit help to balance all the feminine components in my psyche. The ritual felt better to me. I still have not directly encountered either of my wayward girls (tulpas) but the ritual itself felt more balanced.  I will see what the day and my exercises in Astral Projection bring.

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It seems to me, based on several items written by Jung, especially the Black and Red books, is to treat all entities, perceived demon or not, as allies. There is a theme that suggest they are there for our benefits. If we hold our ground, contain our fear or emotional response, and ask tempered questions, with the spirit of boldness holding our ground, these things tend to mute into something positive, or depart... either way, we are ultimately left with the gift of insight. "One does not get to the light by running from the shadows, as the light is on the other side...' paraphrased. If we take this concept further into a narrative based philosophy, all artifacts are ultimately symbolic in nature, and therefore neither good nor bad, but ways of contextualizing information into a format that allows us to relate better to the knowledge, or to others, or to ourselves, or all at the same time. Likely the latter because nothing happens in a vacuum, if one thing changes, everything changes. We're all connected in this mobile of life. Tug on the stars, the moon and sun shift. I suppose further that the real trick is pulling someone into our orbits, while maintaining the color schemes on the other side of the Rubik's Cube.

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It seems to me, based on several items written by Jung, especially the Black and Red books, is to treat all entities, perceived demon or not, as allies. There is a theme that suggest they are there for our benefits. If we hold our ground, contain our fear or emotional response, and ask tempered questions, with the spirit of boldness holding our ground, these things tend to mute into something positive, or depart... either way, we are ultimately left with the gift of insight. "One does not get to the light by running from the shadows, as the light is on the other side...' paraphrased. If we take this concept further into a narrative based philosophy, all artifacts are ultimately symbolic in nature, and therefore neither good nor bad, but ways of contextualizing information into a format that allows us to relate better to the knowledge, or to others, or to ourselves, or all at the same time. Likely the latter because nothing happens in a vacuum, if one thing changes, everything changes. We're all connected in this mobile of life. Tug on the stars, the moon and sun shift. I suppose further that the real trick is pulling someone into our orbits, while maintaining the color schemes on the other side of the Rubik's Cube.

I have been a subject to this particular image. I haven't yet had the opportunity to choose a reaction to her. I have called her a "disruptor" as her input has for the most part signaled the end of dreaming for that night. I have approached her differently in my meditations and rituals, as noted above. I will attempt a more conscious approach, collage, poetry, with my wife's assistance. That said, with a conscious shift in my attitude, I still have not broken through whatever is blocking my access to my tulpas.

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I am posting this in its entirety as I have convinced myself that I have some psychological block to the full realization of my tulpas, and I believe that sharing my efforts to understand and undo the blockage may be of use to others. This has raised a question for me and I am going to create a new poll: how many Tulpamancers are married, partnered or in significant relationships?

Tulpamancy Journal. 81

Last night’s dream; Last night's dream may have shed some light on my ongoing struggle with the feminine.

It took place in my house, not the one in which I currently live with my wife, though she was a definite presence in the house. There was a lot of activity, reminded me of my hippy days with a house full of people most days.  In it was tony, my heart throb of those years. We were lovers until, she decided that our respective marriages were in the way and her husband relocated to the opposite coast. My wife had already departed for parts unknown. tony and I did not see each other for seven years, though I carried a torch for her for two years following the breakup. When we did meet again, it was in a new town where we both had resettled after our hippy days. She was now remarried with a child, as was I. We met in a supermarket and much to the surprise of our boys who were shopping with us, fell into each others arms with a passion that re-kindled what we had had. It was different this time, she took me home to meet her husband, said, "M…., this is Bob. He is family. M took me into his arms and heart, and we all remained close until their respective deaths seven and two years ago. I was on the phone with M when tony took her last breath. We were all sobbing. I have struggled with the idea that tony might be a model for Nsonowa, though physically they bear no resemblance.  tony described herself when we met as a Black Jewish Catholic Witch. And she was one of the smartest and most powerful women I have ever known. (My wife is smarter and much better educated, while tony, a social activist for underclass issues (her mother had been the president of one on the nations most influential labor unions) and got big things done). In the dream, she was glad to see me, said how much she missed me and how much she loved me and we kissed, just like the old, old, days. I said; "tony, move in with us" and she replied, no, this wouldn't work for Nancy.  Can you buy me a house?" I answered "No." and she said, without missing a beat, well then help me find a situation nearby where I can be a live in helper and then take the house over when the person passes." About that time there was a great commotion as perhaps two dozen people, young men and women, in hippie garb got up to leave. I did not recognize any of them, but many of them said goodbye to me. After they had departed, the Blond woman came out of a room at the end of a hallway, saying; "I had to chase them all out, I was trying to do hypnotherapy."  and I woke up. 

Take-aways; First, I was amazed that this last event did not trip my lucidity cue. I was not moved to ask "Are you Flora?" I was highly aroused by the contact with tony. Had I been lucid, we would have made love. Her declaration of love for me is still ringing in my ears as is the physical sensation of the kiss. I have to say, that even as hippies in a free love community, we had sex on only two occasions, and the first is what turned me on to the transcendental power of love. I will never forget the image that greeted me when we emerged from the dark space where we had coupled (It was in a darkened auditorium). God was shining from a massive tree across the street from where we were. An epiphany that still to this day, lives in my heart and that was well over fifty years ago. Next, the blond disruptor, did not pose a danger to me. She was pursuing order in my  house. Third, as of this writing, I do not think that tony was Nsonowa. She was the quintessential tony, and was not accompanied with the blue/white light that marks Nsonowa and, true to form, she did not want to interfere in my marriage, despite her love for me. Lastly, perhaps in waking me, the Blonde Disruptor, was also preserving my marriage, as I don't know how a re-kindled flaming passion for tony would, at this late date, skew my behaviors and feelings towards my wife, or with my tulpas.  Much remains to be learned.

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SUCCESS!

   Nsonowa And Flora starred in last night’s dream. I, as usual, went to sleep inviting both tulpas to come to me in my dreams, and, I reminded myself, as usual, about my lucidity cue; “Are you Flora?” 

   I was on a cruise ship (no surprise, Nancy and I will be on a Princess Cruise to Alaska in two weeks) and I was late for dinner, the doors to the dining room were already closed. There was an alternative dining area close by and I ran to get in before the door closed. I just made it in, and I found myself in a large grassy field. It looked as if a concert had just finished and a few people were still sitting in the grass. I saw a black woman in a red sweater. she had a shaven head. I came up to her, turned away to leave, and then it hit me! I turned and looked at her, she turned towards me and smiled. I exercised my lucidity cue, slightly modified, saying, almost shouting; “Are you Nsonowa?” She jumped up and ran to me and embraced me. I was vociferously happy and said, among many other things; “Will you marry me?” The next thing I knew, I had been grabbed from behind, pale arms circling me. (I was still embracing Nsonowa and jumping up and down in excitement.) It was Flora! She was yelling; “First things first! First things first”, with many repetitions. We were all laughing, and I stopped for a minute and wondered to myself, I wonder what she means by that? And of course, woke up.   

   I still don’t have a clue as to what she meant but can imagine that this was just a first dream appearance, and we have a much to do before we can be comfortable with each other. Also, I have really understood, the admonitions of those who advise caution and calmness when dreaming lucidly or astral traveling.

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I evidently had a very active dreaming experience night before last, of which I have absolutely NO memory. Not a whit of recall. Nancy told me about it, saying I woke her at 3 am. screaming and holding on to her. She of course got no more sleep, and me, I slept all the way through. 

  I did not have a dream of note last night and my rituals have felt good, but did not attract either Flora nor Nsonowa. Same for my meditations, guided and otherwise. I had one instance of feeling Nsonowa close for only a second, it was accompanied by a flash of her blue/white light.

   The strangeness of the dream did raise a question for me: Can "switching" take place within a dream? It is NOT like me to not be able to recall what was evidently a very energetic dream. This has never happened. Many times, I have awakened or been awakened by Nancy in the act of screaming or hitting her. I have always had enough consciousness of the dream to immediately stop and process the dream with her, then or in the morning. The more active I am in the dream the more likely I am to remember it. So, perhaps it wasn't me doing the dreaming. Perhaps it was some dark energy, prompting Nsonowa to battle." I hope that someone will comment on this and let me know if "in dream switching" is a thing. Thanks, Dr. Bob

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We believe in certain configurations no memory is recorded. Based on what others have said, I can do things and carry on conversations while still sleeping. I have no memory. Body OS (lack of anyone in front) can do this based on routine conversation and automatic responses, itnever records memories. In this way, I can switch out and my body carries on the mundane task of the moment while I daydream to my heart's content. Can't be sure that's what happened with you, though after so many years of imprinting, I wouldn't be surprised if your Body OS could live on its own with you entirely.

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