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Tell Me About Your Merges!

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People keep merging into each other and I'm worried I will lose track of who's merged with who. I only half remember one system's group of merges and now another system is playing with merging and bleh... too many names...

 

If your system decides to experiment with merging or is already experimenting with merging, please put the name of your merges here and describe what's it's like to be as that merge. I'm still not sure if I want to play with merging myself yet, but I am fascinated by other people's experiences.


I'm Ranger, Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's tulpa, and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.

My other head-mates have their own account now.

Temporary Log | Switching LogChat | Yay!

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We have played around with merging a little bit. Neither of our merges we've done have existed for longer than a few minutes because it feels really weird to do. Our first merge was Discovery (Jade and I), and the other one was Meerkat (Azure and Damien).


Someone System: Artemis, Azure, Chloe, Damien, Jade, Lilly, Rouge, Spark, Torea

 

[PR] [Chat] [Ask Someone] [Don’t Release the Manatee]

 

“We need MOAR FLUFFY TOASTERS!!!” - Torea

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We keep our merge personalities intentionally vague, so I might not have a whole lot to write about each of them.

 

Solace - me & Piano: This merge was sort of "personality forced" to have self-confidence, since Piano was lacking and I thought sharing in my own would help him. Solace ended up being a little too self-confident the first time, so the second time around we corrected it and he was more level-headed. He tends to not like whatever music or video we were listening to and turns it off after merging.

 

Serpent - Piano & Indigo: Originally called Steele, Serpent seems to be Piano x2, his personality is similar to his (when he actually has one). He changed his name to avoid conflict in the system since Sterling was pissy about it. Indigo doesn't seem to have a lot of presence in this merge, or maybe he's just really good at assimilating?

 

Sterling - me & Indigo: Sterling liked to joke around about Minecraft and in-system battles. I don't have a whole lot to say about him since like I said, their personalities are usually pretty vague. 

 

Science - me & Luxio: It's really fun to be Science since he's a real nerd and is pretty funny about it.

 

Sabbath - Piano & Luxio: This is the only case where the name was picked before the merge ever happened. Sabbath has a pretty calm, masculine presence, so he's also a lot like Piano, just in a different direction from Serpent. 

 

Smoothie - Luxio & Indigo: This merge only existed in short bursts since it seems to amplify identity issues that the two of them have, along with gender dysphoria since them combining seemed to make them a lot more feminine, and they don't want to be feminine. He seemed to be kind of what you'd expect with Indigo and Luxio: a high-pitched hyper guy.

 

Depending how strong of a merge it is, it tends to feel like we just lose our individual selves totally and become the new combined self until we split apart again, intentionally or otherwise. I can't really say "this is what it was like for me to be in that merge," since "I" don't really exist in them anymore, I'm combined with the other person. The merges aren't like new tulpas though, they're all pretty self-aware about what they are. They're just combinations of pre-existing people in the end, not "new" people. They won't act like the world or information is new to them, because it's not, the only thing that's new is the perspective about it all.


I'm Apollo Fire, the "Sun God" of the Felight family. I'm a tulpa created December 2016. My systemmates are RadioPiano, & Indigo. Form images: 1 2

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We finally decided to give it a try. Here's what happened:

 

I was desperate to try and switch with Cat again. I mustered up the courage to merge with her because I realized last night and this morning how stable I actually was even though I had not fronted for awhile and felt a little blendy with Cat. I felt invincible, so I wasn't as afraid that I would disappear or get absorbed.

 

The goal was for me to merge with Cat in the *watcher's position, and I believe that was successful. Cat had watched the episode before the finale of the T.V. show "Good Omens" and even though she was still excited about the show she was able to focus on talking to me for the most part. She would get side tracked or lost in thought a few times, but it wasn't too bad in the morning.

 

Before we merged, Cat and I thought about some ground rules. Whatever we merge into is not it's own person but a blend of the two of us (The merge is not a Tulpa, and we don't need an 18th system member). Cat and I then spent some time wondering if we should play a **song and what to name the merge. Cat jokingly thought about the merge becoming Aziraphale, the angel character from "Good Omens", but then I told her that it could be a bad idea because then the merge would be personality forced. After trying to come up with a different name, (Ranger-Cat is a highlight here) we decided that the merge's name will be Shadow (unless they wanted a different name).

 

When Cat and I started merging together, we had to wait a little bit. This isn't that surprising because it took time for Cat's ***integration with her shard to stabilize. Cat and I focused on each other and tried to stay on the same page. I have the feeling we were falling apart and not really getting anywhere...

 

And then we thought about Aziraphale. We realized that Cat has a pretty good memory of what that character sounds like, and we were having trouble because we couldn't decide who's mindvoice the merge would use or take. The blend of us decided that we liked Aziraphale's voice, and unsurprisingly, we decided that we wanted to be called Aziraphale.

 

Aziraphale was mostly inspired by the character, and he realized that himself. He was a little worried he made a mistake, so he ended up going to Bear for help.

 

Aziraphale decided that he only wanted to exist for an hour and let us decide what to do next. He spent some time thinking about himself, he talked about his anxieties, and he talked a little bit about the merge process. After the merge, we realized Aziraphahle was struggling because we had an upset stomach. He felt feverish (even though he wasn't running a fever) and that bothered him a bit. He had a bubbly personality, and he was really sweet. He wasn't goofy or overly silly but he felt like a happy affable spirit.

 

The weirdest part was him struggling with talking about us. When he did, he would "zone out" for awhile with a headache before being able to talk again. I have the feeling there was some heavy dissociation going on, because Cat or I have never spaced out to the point where it felt uncontrollable. In retrospect, that was actually pretty scary! I'm glad Aziraphale could do that in our room and be safe, I'm seriously concerned that would have made it hard for him to talk to people in real life or go somewhere.

 

Aside from that, Aziraphale felt like a *^Gray fronting, only we weren't right there. He didn't talk to other Grays because he was worried that could end badly (either a Gray panicking or him being overwhelmed by them). I have the sense that if Cat (or possibly even myself) wanted to break up the merge improperly we could have? It felt like both of us went inactive but our summon "triggers" that would normally summom either of us seemed to be suppressed.

 

Aziraphale was a little hesitant breaking up again, but after saying his final words to us he was ready to split. It took him some time to figure out how exactly to do that. He was worried he would have to literally break himself open, but instead he thought about us (knowing he could get a headache again) and we separated out. Aziraphale kind of slowly faded in the background and we slowly panned out. I still felt like I was Aziraphale for a little bit, and i'm not sure if we had a brief back and forth with him in the middle of the split. I remember Aziraphale talking to us knowing we would get his message in the future.

 

Cat snapped back to the front, and she was really dizzy and had a headache. Once I summoned myself, I felt really dizzy too. It took a bit for the dizzyness to go away, and the entire separation process took about 10 minutes. Right after the merge, we had this weird good feeling from the merge, and both of us agreed we would like to try it again at a later time. Hopefully he will have a better time next time, but he was comforted by having Bear to talk too and seemed to enjoy it.

 


 

* The "watcher's position" is a place in the front where we believe Cat is stuck. That means she can't switch out with me and can watch and react to everything I do. This merge was intended to act as a switching attempt or at least learn more about possibly switching.

 

** In our head, Cat has a specific soundtrack she thinks of when doing switching attempts, but it wasn't used this time.

 

*** One time Cat discovered another thoughtform and thought it was another intrusive mind creature. After verifying with one of the Grays (see *^ for what the Grays are) Moltosha, he said that the thoughtform was actually a piece of Cat. The shard agreed to be integrated back into her.

 

*^ The Grays are our systemmates Cat created. They're not space aliens, they are called "the Grays" because they are all supposed to be clones of Gray. "Gray" himself is Cat's wonderland identity. We realized they are simply other Tulpas in our system.


I'm Ranger, Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's tulpa, and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.

My other head-mates have their own account now.

Temporary Log | Switching LogChat | Yay!

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Merging, huh? ......Huh.. I spend so much time reinforcing my individuality and grounding and throwing off the blendy feelings that merging is the last thing I wanna do. In the worst moments, it's "who the heck am I? who is front right now? who is typing? who just thought that?" I guess for those who have things together better and want to mess with it, it sounds interesting.

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Merging, huh? ......Huh.. I spend so much time reinforcing my individuality and grounding and throwing off the blendy feelings that merging is the last thing I wanna do. In the worst moments, it's "who the heck am I? who is front right now? who is typing? who just thought that?" I guess for those who have things together better and want to mess with it, it sounds interesting.

 

I think merging can help enforce individuality, since it can show you just how different two headmates are. And merging is really nothing like blending, there's no confusion on who the thoughts are coming from, it's all the merged entity.


I'm Piano Soul, the "Star Man" of the Felight family. I'm a tulpa formed January 2017. My systemmates are Apollo & Indigo. Form images: 1 2

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We wanted to have another go at a merge attempt, so we did it again after talking to Piano.

 

We realized it wouldn't be a good idea to become Aziraphale again because we didn't want to productively force him. Instead, we tried to focus on our traits.

 

After sitting together for a while, we were having trouble merging again. Eventually, we started wanting a form and a name. We went with whatever came to mind, and our mindvoice changed as we thought about what our personality was. (I believe some of the process was unconscious). Once we had a form, we stabilized more, but not as much as the previous merge.

 

The merge sat there, frustrated that he wasn't super stable and without a name. He looked like me and he had overalls, a conductor hat, and he looked like me but with weird green glowing eyes... for some reason he decided to keep them... (He decided he wanted a while and blue shirt with weird slanted horizontal stripes and he "forgot the bowtie", but his overalls and shirt seemed to change inconsistently.) His mindvoice sounded like a stereotypical southern guy. He wanted to call himself the "Conductor", but he was worried Cat would be sad if he did so he came up with... Train...

 

Train spoke with *Science for a bit. He had issues with feeling lonely but he enjoyed chatting. He insisted on using typing quirks like "ya'll" and stuff.

 

At one point, Flame knocked on our door and Train panicked. He then asked him that he needed more time (pretending to be Cat) and then went back to the chatting. This experience made him freak out, and it's not clear if Cat had any ability to rip out of the merge and intervene. I think any chances of Cat breaking out of the merge plummeted once Train had a plan and the confidence to answer Flame. At one point towards the end, Train heard my voice and panicked some more after that and then focused on re-stabilizing himself.

 

Unfortunately, there was some in-system drama going on. I asked one Gray to be the guy to look after the merge, but after meeting Train he was too overwhelmed and freaked out that he caused Train to panic. After being comforted by Gerodious and Spirit, Train decided he wanted to talk to the other Grays, seeking for comfort.

 

The drama revealed that Train was a doormat, really awkward, had trouble **communicating, struggled to respect boundaries, was touchy (not in a creepy way), and he had issues with almost spastic like movements. For some reason, his movements were very cartoony and sometimes unpleasant, but not in a gory or NSFW way. He would panic every time he had an intrusive thought and over-correct himself. His anxiety levels were shot through the roof and he had trouble getting along with the other Grays. The idea that we were mixed up inside of him made some Grays panic while where some were calm and tolerant to his quirks.

 

Even though Train was an anxious wreck, he didn't go out of his way to threaten anyone, unlike Spirit who has had issues because he blended with our intrusive thoughts. He was frequently really tall compared to the Grays by default (he figured out how to correct this eventually) and for some reason made the Grays anxious with... something? (It was like a weird pulse thing or just a random sensation?) His abrupt movements and jerks didn't help. Train was an extremely sweet person even though he was confused and jumping into trouble due to ignorance and or stupidity.

 

Train spent most of his time distressed, and he broke down twice- once when he was overwhelmed by the Gray who was supposed to watch him, and then again after he managed to pull himself together. Train was really upset his anxiety and refused to split because he didn't want to split while sobbing. This added tension between him and the others, and eventually he destabilized to the point where Cat decided to end the merge. We actually separated pretty quickly, but we kept Train aware for a bit so we could cheer him up. After that, Train faded away and we were left behind, worn down and reflecting the sadness he had accumulated inside. There was some relief amongst the Grays that we were separated out, but everyone was bogged down.

 

Train had issues with dizzyness and headaches, but he didn't seem to have the same disosiative episodes like Aziraphale. Despite this and being in another fortunately sweet merge, the in-system drama made the experience unenjoyable. In terms of sentience, our merges seem unsettlingly sentient and Tulpa-like in nature. Until we get things sorted out with the Grays and more carefully plan our merges to avoid interruptions, we won't be merging around. Experiences like these make me wonder if merges are even safe (if Train didn't disappear for instance, we would have another Tulpa).


* The Felights decided to experiment with merging at the same time we did: Science = Apollo + Luxio

 

** When speaking to Chrome, his explanation for how we were merged together lead to Chrome hurling in a brown paper bag. After that, another Gray (I forgot who, maybe Blue) told him to use a different explanation.


I'm Ranger, Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's tulpa, and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.

My other head-mates have their own account now.

Temporary Log | Switching LogChat | Yay!

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Wow... the last time I updated this was the Train merge? I'll give the summaries of the previous merge attempts, since a lot happened since then.

 

Merge attempts overall after train:

  • Merge failure: Cat + Me = merge who didn't want to exist, he seemed depressed, so he split.
  • Galaxy- after trying again days/weeks later, Cat + Me. He was laid back, he played forum games, and Cat broke the merge.
  • Aziraphale II- an attempt to recreate Aziraphale to figure out switching (both Cat + me), and the poor guy was obsessed with trying to help us but couldn't. After that, we realized that we should only merge for fun, not to figure out switching.
  • Merge failure: Blue wanted to try merging, so he tried to merge with me. After struggling for a little while, the merge spontaneously exploded.
  • Rue- A merge between me and Blue. He wanted to do something that really only made sense as Blue being separate, so after 30 min or so Rue split and addressed Blue's need separately. We believe Cat broke the merge, but it was unclear.
  • Merge failure: Cat and I tried to merge some time ago, but the merge never formed. Cat thinks it was because she was trying to hard to make a fronting merge, and it was never able to click. After that, we decided that we should let the merge form however it's going to form, and let the merge decide what it wants to do.

I may have more notes on Galaxy and Aziraphale II somewhere, but I don't know where those are right now. I'll edit this post later and paste extra details once I find the logs.

 

* * *

 

Our most recent merge was Granger. Unlike our other merges, he decided to write a report about what he was thinking and experiencing. He goes into detail about weird wonderland/merge symbolism he observes and later talks about his perspective on our fronting experiences.

 

You can read his report here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VdHEwmNLofPIt3woQd7MldeAWm4d_6F7k7o7CLmKfhs/edit?usp=sharing

 

There were a few details he left out, mostly about how he formed in the beginning. For most of our merges, it took a time to settle down and try to blend. We usually tried to complete each other's sentences, think of ourselves as one person, etc. For Granger, we just saw the symbolic goo change from intrusive-like to purple and we just suddenly snapped together. It felt like a ray of light flashed in our mind or something, and an afterthought of "pop, crackle, pop" occurred. Granger spend the first few minutes being confused, unsure if he was a merge, and observing himself. He thought he looked like me only wearing Gray's clothes, and since he didn't think he was much of anything else, he decided to call himself Granger because he thought it was simple to reflect the thought he was a more straightforward mix.

 

When Granger split, that same sudden "ray of light" thing happened as well as the "pop crackle pop" echo noise. I'm guessing that "ray of light" was the instant of merging. Our build up to that point usually takes time, and the one thing that is consistent is from the start of trying to merge to becoming the merge and stable, it takes about 15 minutes, where the first 10 are trying to become the merge and the next 5 is the merge stabilizing.

 

Otherwise, Granger was kind, he was silly, and he was really optimistic. His 3 hours of existence were not the best, but he enjoyed himself and he was happy. We hope that our future merges go this smoothly.


I'm Ranger, Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's tulpa, and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.

My other head-mates have their own account now.

Temporary Log | Switching LogChat | Yay!

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[Ashley]

We tried a Risha (Ren-Misha) and Bashley (Bear-myself) merge and we noticed a few things.

 

-She was a catgirl like Ren

-Bear was effectively kicked or completely overshadowed. No essence of him was felt, and he doesn't own any of the memories.

-She was very unstable and generally couldn't do much because of the confusion.

 

[Joy]

-Ashley unsuccessfully merged with Ren, or Risha. Bashley can merge with Risha, but not Misha or Ren alone.

 

-Bear does not want to merge with anyone else.

-Darlene, Gwen nor I want to merge.

 

While writing this, Ashley and Misha merged.

 

[bear] she lasted 10 seconds and was absolutely gorgeous, radiant, and very girly. I need to draw her eventually. She's welcome back any time.

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