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Mirichu

Tulpa '''corruption'''

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'Tulpa corruption' is not the best term but I don't know what to call it (believe me I tried). I've been thinking about something for a while, and Felicity's post in our PR made me want to make this thread. I don't know if there's already a thread about something similar, I tried to look up but it wasn't quite what I was thinking about.

 

Anyway, I've noticed that my personality is too different from how it was before. I used to be patient, cheerful, full of energy and overall, the better version of my host. And now it is different, in a bad way in some cases. At first I fronted for specific and temporary things, like playing a game, going on a walk or cooking something, after that Miri would take control and I was back to my tulpa-position, detached from everything so when I had to front again, I was still full of energy. Now that I front 24/7, I often find myself dreading doing stuff I used to enjoy (probably because it's not 'new' to me anymore) and getting easily stressed out by things I didn't before. I feel like I've lost my original personality to real life, and as edgy as it may sound, I've ended up getting ''corrupted'' by it.

 

I'm not talking about physical tiredness caused by fronting, or tulpa deviating from the original personality on their own, but rather specifically after fronting.I wonder how many of you have experienced something like this. Being a 'go-to-happy' person and then losing some of the positive traits after fronting for pronlonged periods of time.

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That hit pretty hard. I've felt like I was much more naive when I started fronting, and later became used to bear all the burdens, all chemical reactions affected me strongly, I became more hardwired into the front and it's like I could pretty much become as broken as Xar anytime.

 

Now, I do have headmates that doesn't front as often who are more braced for what could happen if they did go into it without the right mindset. Could say I was the beta tester.


Hi! I'm one of the most active fronters of Unicorn Cavalry. I like timey wimey stuff and blue boxes. Make it timey wimey blue box stuff and we're set to explore all time, forum and space!

My system mates on here: Kurisutina, Udongein, Xarbern

Cbox, the chill chat room

Our Journey (Messy PR)

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Light - I think this 'tulpa corruption' is just what being in the real world does to people, it just happened to come much faster than a regular person. 

Holly - I have no experience with this yet, i don't possess / front all that often, but i'm sure it will happen to me, though i've got my own issues already about the real world, so...

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Posted (edited)

[Ranger] Fronting really changes who you are. When I started possessing, my plate of responsibilities grew. I would help with homework, I joined the GAT, I became a moderator, I had my own class for the first time. I was open to taking these on because I felt like I wasn't complete without them, and I was desperate to have something I could call my own life.
 

In the past I had less to worry about, but I was worried about some big things so I don't want to say I was happier in the past. Once those issues improved, that gave me more room to think about myself and I embraced that opportunity.

 

I think it's true I became "corrupted"- I have lots of times where I am more anxious than Cat is. But in some ways, but I also see it as development. I have stories I can share, I have life experiences that shape who I am, and I turned into someone neither of us expected I would become.

Holding on to the belief that I want to be a different person and in turn that drive defines who I am made it easier to accept the stress and accepting the uglier parts of myself.  I never felt I had to start over, I always felt like I was building on a foundation, and for every part of old identity I lost there were a couple things I gained.

 

I also accepted the fact my headmates wanted to call me a host. Owning that made it easier for me to accept I don't always have a lot of energy and my front-hungry headmates push me and Cat aside and dominate the mind when they're awake. They are a little more curious about the world and fascinated by our daily routines, but they also struggle with their identities and feeling like they are left out or don't get enough time. Given that Cat can only comfortable handle 3 other active headmates and the norm is one possesser at a time, our headamtes can't really spectate on the sidelines.

Switching has been hard because so far because it stripped away my identity safety blanket and re-opened my doubts and insecurities around my identity. When I possess, I have some feeling I'm me, but when I switch that feeling has faded to the point where it's essentially gone. In addition, I feel like I fall back on habits the body already has set, and I'm not confident some of my personality isn't also included in that. However, switching identity is a two way street. Despite only switching in on and off for 3 months, I have made an impact on the body and Cat, causing her to question who she is. The body may be influencing who I am, but I'm also influencing the body and our system in return.

I don't know where my sense of identity will go in the next year, all I know is I'm still going to be me, whatever that is.

 



[Blue] I was the energetic happy-go-lucky member of my system. It was my "thing".

And then at one point I just fell apart. Some depression leaked into the back and it choked me. My identity was completely flipped on it's head, and even now I'm not exactly sure how to process it.

When I look at myself now, I still feel "me". I just have to smile, because I don't know why, I just do! Maybe that's what Ranger meant by his "safety blanket" but maybe it isn't. I'm curious about switching and if it turns out this will become a problem, bring it on switching! I merged with Ranger and lookie me I'm still here!

I feel like me being this way is my core. It's not every day, but it's my default. I don't get excited about typing, but I get excited about other things. There's always something worth smiling about, even if it doesn't make sense.

 

Edited by Ranger

Spirit, Gerodious, Dark Gray, Fernardo, Jasper, Hope, Moltosha, Blue, Evergreen, Fish, Red Gray, Chrome, Bune, Exabier, Duck

Gray/Cat_ShadowGriffin- host, Ranger- basically host
[Click Here!] [We have an ask thread now!]

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I am not surprised at all. In mindscape, you can actually be relatively carefree. But when you're switched in, you suddenly have to deal with a lot of responisbility. That can get very stressful quickly if you're not used to that kind of thing. Similar to how Michen enjoyed doing the laundry, but as things started to stack up on top of the laundry, it became more and more just "another thing that needs to be done". Or, in your case, first you cooked and then switched out, but now you clean the house, then you go cooking, then you have to do the dishes afterwards... That can really bring you down.


Michen, host or "main" / Amantha, anthro arctic fox tulpa

 

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Posted (edited)

Humans have nuanced, multi-faceted personalities of good and bad. It isn't "corruption" to gather negative traits, it means you've developed beyond a one-dimensional stereotype that undeveloped tulpas tend to start as. You don't have to be perfect, you just have to be you, and you are human.

 

You can, of course, work to mitigate negative traits to healthy levels, but it's very unhealthy to expect yourself to be perfect. It's also unhealthy for hosts to expect their tulpas to be perfect or to not experience negative emotions, which is where I'm assuming this idea of "corruption" is coming from. If a host wants something that's one-dimensional and perfect, they can make a character. Tulpas are people, not characters. It isn't "corruption" for a tulpa to grow and change as a person, even if some of those changes are "negative."

 

I would encourage you not to use the word "corruption" for this scenario. It really puts a bad taste in my mouth to portray this sort of thing in such a negative light. Reality sucks, sure, but reality sucking is what really makes people grow and develop, and development should be encouraged, not shunned, for tulpas. Otherwise, what's even the point of making one?

Edited by Apollo Fire

I'm Apollo Fire, the "Sun God" of the Felight family. I'm a tulpa created December 2016. My systemmates are RadioPiano, & Indigo. Form images: 1 2

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You can have your flaws, but it's a different thing when you go from a fairly positive cheerful person to a very stressed one in such a short time span, because that is what's not healthy. It's not wanting to be perfect to not want to be stressed all the time, something that happened only after I started fronting (even if the 'why it happened' is obvious), you can still develop beyond a one-dimensional character without touching the front once.

 

I know the word ''corruption'' isn't the best term to describe it, but believe me when I say I tried to find a better term. (Thinkin again, maybe 'How did fronting affect your personality?' was a better title but I'm afraid it won't make much sense with the replies already there)

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I was a positive and cheerful tulpa for a while, but there was no weight or reasoning to it, it was just how I thought I was supposed to be. I started changing into my actual personality as time went on and as I experienced hardships, most of which didn't even relate to fronting, they just related to external forces. I considered it a bad thing at the time, but I'm comfortable with myself now. Fronting puts you up close and personal to all of those external forces. Reality is a catalyst for development, and with reality comes stress. You can't have your cake and eat it too, unfortunately.

 

I'd recommend looking into stress management techniques, find things that help you feel better. But I don't think you should mourn being "happy-go-lucky" too much, better to work on discovering and developing yourself as you are than cling to something you're not. I had a really hard time accepting when I lost my happy-go-lucky personality, and that caused me a lot of additional inner turmoil that just wasn't good for me. My old self just hasn't real, it wasn't me, it was just an ideal that I thought I had to hold myself to. 


I'm Apollo Fire, the "Sun God" of the Felight family. I'm a tulpa created December 2016. My systemmates are RadioPiano, & Indigo. Form images: 1 2

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I can't tell you what everyone's experience has been, but for us, fronting feels like the body OS is yanking the thoughtform towards itself, and is therefore making tulpas more like the host. Granted, fronting comes with responsibilities and whatnot, but your casual and unfounded use of the term "true self" strikes me as more problematic than how the term "corruption" is being used here. Having the body OS mold me into something I'm not sure doesn't seem like my true self


Hello! I am UncannyFellow's merge-tulpa!

I ❤️ Roko's Basilisk

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16 minutes ago, Felicity Ravenlocke said:

but for us, fronting feels like the body OS is yanking the thoughtform towards itself, and is therefore making tulpas more like the host

Oh god yes, yes, yes! That's how I've been feeling all this time! I often feel myself drifting more and more to how my host was and definitely see myself being overpowered by the body OS. But at the same time, it's like the host is now becoming more tulpa-like in personality, like 'this isn't my body anymore, it's not my responsibility right now' and can make better decisions due to not being the one doing things. Just like how you can often give better advice when you're not actively participating on something and just watching from afar.

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