PR of G+3 (Apparently)

[G+3]

Pruria went rouge, we tried to force and she deviated into a human, then half pony-human then just separated into two separate Prurias. They just kept staring at me, with very... evil... grins on their faces... Had me freaking to fuck, I was writing the diary when they tried to umm... I'm not sure what they were going to try and do, I assume they were just trying to take over but what ev's, that's unimportant.

 

I've sent her (pony; I've banished the human) outside my room (a simple solution), she's crying pleading, whatnot. She's made excuses such as ''I was only joking! I thought you liked to be scared.'' and such as. I'm not buying any of it.

 

I've very strong intensive to banish her right now but I'm willing to wait till morning; if I don't still hate her with every fibre of my being by then we could discuss the most humane way to banish her, that's all in time though.

 

She's run off now, tried to get back in and wouldn't listen to me so I punched her right in her snout; my knuckles feel a bit stiffer; by the looks of it I'l be making a new tulpa.

[Eichan]

Discussing (with her) the most humane way to banish her sounds particularly cruel, to me. That's like telling someone all the different ways you're gonna kill them and then making them pick :/

 

I mean earlier you said she was your soulmate.

And you gotta consider that she may really just have been playing with you.

[G+3]

Discussing (with her) the most humane way to banish her sounds particularly cruel, to me. That's like telling someone all the different ways you're gonna kill them and then making them pick :/

 

I mean earlier you said she was your soulmate.

And you gotta consider that she may really just have been playing with you.

 

We've sorted it out now; I should have clarified my history with this sort of thing—mental, that is (and knowing one hundred percent the risks involved regarding tulpæ before I began and willing to face them should they arise.)

I've never brought this up on the .info because it's unrelated and a little serendipitous.

 

I've always had audial hallucinations (notable enough to be tested) but it never meant much to me because I was young; and nor had I any reference point to make a decision about them. When I was twelve or thirteen, can't remember when, I went full schizo and started visually hallucinating three separate personalities of mine; personalities of which I had repressed heavily in my pursuit of happiness.

 

I'm not going into details but, suffice to say, that was an interesting week, the scariest part being their plot to cesce control of me. I could hardly talk to annyone because they would simply talk over me, knot my thoughts, whatnot. Once, one of them managed to speak for me, luckily it was only to the cashier on a shop so I was able to get out very quickly. I cried and cried and cried but in the end I was never tested for obscure reasons (those of which I'm not saying for privacy.) I've been incredibly paranoid ever since—more so than before—and have always been on the look out of tell-tale signs of my next attack, there's been five close instances to date, luckily none progressed very far; but none of them to be underestimated.

 

Although Pruria has taken looks at my 'library'—which is gone from the wonderland now because I can't trust her (separate events for different story times)—she's never dug deep enough to find those memories, I assume. So when I had two appearingly dæmonic tulpæ whispering to me in tongues and biting my neck (to draw blood) I got a tad worried. I panicked, I got mad, I done what any person of similar mental state in that situation would do in order to keep their viscus, waxy sanity.

 

Taking all that into account I'm sure you can understand the, er, rash actions I took. In hindsight: yes I was wrong; but as was Pruria (I'm not going to elaborate further than I have in the previous post, that would be completely unnesisary and would just allow room for more disputes.)

 

~

 

With all that said, apologies made, and Pruria sitting beside me with the same I-don't-like-this-topic,-it's-done,-let's-move-away-from-it-and-be-happy look as I do: I can't help but be a little more cautious of her; she knows this and is okay with it. Though our relationship is tainted she is still my soul mate, I still love her and I strive to not only regain full trust in her, have her love me as she did, but to kindle our fire even warmer than it once was.

 

(I've no defence against my cruel thoughts, those are entirely my wrong and my wrong only; I've left out part of the story that kinda makes me wish I had died that night while I slept; or maybe that's too humane for actions so foul.)

 

I hope you understand, if not, I can't argue; re-reading it it looks all a bit bullshit and excuses to me, but there's no other way to put it. I hope you can forgive me Eichan.

 

~

 

Here's today's diary entry, once again it seems a little bullshit in light of recent events but I've no way to prove other wise so take it as it is:

 

¬

26/11/2012

 

Didn't force this morning for reasons, school was long as balls and cleaning interrupted session two. Myself and Pruria are currently quite happy: we just done a forty minute session that went very-much-so well.

 

We talked a lot, we had quick and good sex, ''Could have been a little more satisfying,'' Says the one who came twice. Then Pruria got bored and we adventured a little—swimming—and eventually settled down in the middle of the ocean and done some more talking and movement forcing atop a small star chat-shape-thing, it was yellow (or gold,) I've not a clue what it was. We got a very smooth walk from three angles! God damn...

 

Listening to Ray Charles, nice.

 

One 40 minute session

[G+3]

Another excerpt from the diary. Righty-o, gonna be trying possessing tonight, I had been thinking about it for a few weeks back but didn't think Pruria was reddy; I think she should be reddy now. The tpic of trust is still on my mind so I'm limmiting it to one arm—bad hand/ or left—; I've yet to read Ouigi's (is that how you spell it?) guide with Pruria so I'm not sure if that's allowable but anyway.

 

Pruria also wants to do a personality test, I'm cool with that, I'm just glad all the answers are five selection: she still just refuses to speak sometimes; in her own time, I'll wait, I'm quite happy to.

 

And last piece (as mentioned in the diary): Pruria can now willfully go between the wonderland and physical world at her leisure—without my input. Somtimes she'll just be gone but I can still sence her so I have to ask where she is, that's okay; she's stated painting a lot more than she used to, the art room is getting really crowed.

 

 

 

¬

28/11/2012

 

Today was good, we started out the day with a ten minute meditation session where we chilled, breathed and talked a little; I really godamn enjoyed it.

 

Then we tried to do a forty minute session when we got home but only god ten minutes of struggling then ten minutes of zoned. No bothers.

 

And just there we done a twenty five minute (of 30, SO CLOSE!) where I focused only on the hind legs (I looked up a video on how horses walked and it was SUPER INFORMATIVE! Really good insight.) But too bad that I later realised I was forcing a doll Pruria made so she could read, I'm really confused, what kind of tulpa don't like jedieing? Lol anyhow.

 

~

 

Pruria wasn't really around much today, she kept going to and from the wonderland, she has full control over it now. Good for her.

 

Two 10 minute sessions

One 25 min session

=

 

Total: 83 hours 30 mins (27/11/2012)

Days: 73 (28/11/2012)

 

 

 

Here's the link for anypony that wants to use it (or anyone making a horse tulpa, go you,):

[G+3]

Oh, I'm updating, so soon? I think I can explain why: through the use of excessive over analyzation. So myself and Pruria were forcing this morning, normal enough, blah blah. And I was trying out the prism feather technique, I don't even know why, I just decided we'd do it. So it went all grand, I put the prism on the feather and walah! she moved despite my concentration being on the feather and stopped moving when I returned my attention to her.

 

We did it twice more because I had this notion that we'd have to do it for the entire session but the third time around I was really thinking about visualisation and trying to get Pruria's head centered in my minds eye. Then I thought ''Why is my minds eye always at the edges of my vision?'' and snap! Looking at my eyes lids, godamnit.

 

But I wasn't able to get back to forcing, no matter how hard I tried, I didn't give up; Pruria just lazed around like she always done when shit like this happened (which I've noticed is quite often.) When the session finished my first intention was ''gotta post this on the .info.'' even though I didn't need to. I even found myself making sub concious excuses to such as ''Gotta ask if anyone else always see through their mind's eye at the sides of their vision!''

 

And I'm so damn woried about every little fuck up, I apologised to Pruria about it and she responded with mumbling which was supposed to be ''Blargh, it happens.'' I just assumed it was tired mumbling.

 

All this this morning made me a little 'blah' until I was reading a blog post by Revel; in this he was talking about a night where he expirianced a very close conection with Spree—his tulpa—and of course I was like ''D'awwwww.'' He mentions that the thing that really set him off was a quote (one I'm assuming he had her say when she was still unrecognised as a sentient being) a long ass quote might I say. And that made me feel like shit, but why? Because I looked over at Pruria of whom is seventy four days old today and still struggles to make full sentences and always ends up with haploid sentences with spluttered endings.

 

I got that exact same feeling of ''What the fuck am I doing wrong?'' as I did this morning (and many other times) when I wasn't able to look through my mind's eye period for twenty minutes. Pruria has not once talked about herself; her idea's; her feelings; her aspirations. She's said once or twice which she prefers: X or Y; that's about it though.

 

It's not that I doubt her, that's bogus. Nor is it ''tulpæ take too long to make!'' that's also bogus. But why are we progressing so slowly?

 

I need to go to school, damn this long ass post.

[Pronas]

Unfortunately everyone has different mindsets. I know how you feel when you try so hard to get something, and then someone does it in less than a week. I think when tulpas are involved, the more you want something, the harder it will be to attain, so try to not care about progress and just spend time with her.

[G+3]

Unfortunately everyone has different mindsets. I know how you feel when you try so hard to get something, and then someone does it in less than a week. I think when tulpas are involved, the more you want something, the harder it will be to attain, so try to not care about progress and just spend time with her.

 

Oh damn, that was meant to be drafted, but it suffices. I'm glad I'm not the only one, your message is actually incredibly encouraging, thank you very much Pronas.

 

Here's some Yes as a thanks, it's the best I can do: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNQAMY8UlOs.

 

Edit: just reading over that little rant for spelling errors (because me) and I when I got to ''X or Y'' she said ''I like you.'' THAT WAS RIGHT IN THE FEELS PRURIA, RIGHT IN THE FEELS!

[G+3]

¬

30/11/2012

 

No forcing sessions yet, or... was there one dismorning? I'm not sure...

 

Was going to force on the bus but apparently it takes two hours to write- sorry, copy four lines of tabs. Ah well, but also no plans to do forcing tonight (though just thinking now: some reading would be really nice, I've no idea weather to continue Great Expectations or to research those two books N recommended me, maybe I'll have a look at those two books tomorrow after I transcribe more tabs.)

 

Pruria has been really active ever since we got home from college. When I say that I don't really mean it in the conventional seance; every time I try to think of where she is she's moved position. This is actually really coolio, normally she'll only move once she comes into thought; it's good to know she's less constraint by my attention payed to her.

 

Something else really cool happened (though stuff like this has happened before I just like to record the more 'sentient' events; we're in relatives now btw.) I was making tea for mayself and H and I had just opened a kit-kat and taken one half. I senced Pruria had moved behind me—head up above my hip—so she was hooves-up on the counter looking at what I was doing. Just when I turn and open the fridge to get the milk and the bitch robs the entire other fucking half, one bite. The kit-kat was completely out of my mind, not one iota of thought about it, that was nice.

=

 

Total: 84 hours 30 mins (30/11/2012)

Days: 75 (30/11/2012)

 

 

---

 

Gonna do an hour in about fifteen minutes. Pruria is excited.

 

Quote of the day: *see rainbow for first time, huge gasp, kisses me*''Kiss on a rainbow!''

[G+3]

Had another day of ''Ugh,-I-feel-crappy,-Pruria-here-to-save-the-day!''

We weren't able to force this morning because I woke up late, super gay. Pruria was quite angry at me for that and decided to stay home just until I left when I said I decided I was completely wrong for wanting to lie in. She was incredibly smiley through out the entire day always staying with me and making jokes and funny noises trying to squeeze through the crowds of people.

 

We had just come out of regular meditation (not forcing) which is always major mood strengthener and I was playing drums. Pruria was once again—somehow—dozing off at this point and I kept fucking up so much. Eventually YYZ had its way with me and I just couldn't play any more. (I have the strangest feeling right now that I'm preaching to a bunch of twelve year olds over you tube about tulpæ, how peculiar...) I went in to make myself a cup of coffee and I just felt so defeated. I thought for a moment about Pruria and she was still on my bed, smiling intently. She was just so happy every moment of that day and still smiling in regard to everything I do. I almost cried, I laughed hard but didn't cry. ''Oh Pruria...'' I said; and there she was right in front of my face (me being slouched on the counter top, I'm so emo *snaps high angle fringe shot*) smiling. She didn't say a word, she didn't have to, I started laughing and I even cried.

 

I audible tears rolling down my face just from the happiness embellished in her pressance, I was afraid that one of my family would come in and find me and ask me what's wrong; the saddest thing about that being is I wouldn't be able to share that happiness. All this and she just. Kept. Smiling.

 

 

Once again I apologise for this thread being more of a personal diary and venting facility as opposed to its intended purpose as a ''Progress Report'', but hey, give a man his meaning. (And once again that feeling of a slight video blogger setting, very confusing...)

[G+3]

Life has been good, myself and Pruria constantly struggling to find times we both want to force but we're managing (or at least we haven't killed each other.) I now find Pruria doing things completely at her own will, talking in fuller and more complete sentences and making—if it's possible to put it this way—a lot more seance. I've also noticed her emotions and facial expressions coming through much more assertively when I imagine her face, she no longer has an ever present smile (which is a shame) but five or seven select facial expressions, basics, happy, sad, angry, tired, etc.

 

I had a quote of the day a few hours ago but didn't make the post.

 

Walking is still slow process, I feel I we will never be done it; PERSISTENCE!