A Star and Her Nebula

[astral]

Intro

Hey, guys! It's Zephyr (the host) and Midnight (tulpa). We're really new to this community and I think we'll use this page for updates and progress report.

 

Color Coding

Normal text is Zephyr

Dark blue text (will be) Midnight when she learns how to front

 

About Midnight

Midnight was made three days ago. I already feel her as a separate consciousness and we can talk about more complex things together... is this normal? She's been around for about a year or two as an imaginary friend, but I only started actively forming/forcing her when I first discovered about tulpas. I spend time with her, but I don't necessarily always focus my entire attention on her. Part of this might be because I can't visualize a human face. I can only see her face as a warm blur, more like an abstract feeling than a concrete object. I can visualize everything else about her in perfect detail, though. Do you have any tips? Thanks :)

How I'm Forcing Her

1. I started by making her general personality (calm, intelligent, warm, etc.) She went a bit off-track by going more "excitable, funny, extroverted" but I'm 110% cool with that.
2. I then started making her form. As an imaginary friend, I accepted that I can't picture her, so I just let her be a blur. But now, I thought that a form would significantly help the process. I let her decide, and she went with a relatively tall female shape with long hair and dark blue/purple dress that fades into mist.
3. I didn't actually create a wonderland because I had one from when she was just an imaginary friend. I did some augmentations and enhancements, but nothing drastic.

 

Cool Facts

• Her favorite color is black. She says it seems peaceful.
• I *think* her favorite animal is a hawk. 
• Her hand can calm an anxious heart (those were her exact words, translated to human language because she thinks and talks sort of abstractly)
• What else should I ask about her?

 

Conclusion:

Okay, so that was a bit shorter than I thought. We're going to keep updating as we progress in our journey together, and if we find anything interesting and/or remember stuff we missed. Bye for now~

Edited March 16 by astral

[SeekingMyPlanet]

2 hours ago, astral said:

 

Midnight was made three days ago. I already feel her as a separate consciousness and we can talk about more complex things together... is this normal? d/or remember stuff we missed. Bye for now~

 

It was that way with Lavender and me. We did a lot of talking within the first few days. Of course Midnight has been around for awhile, so that might help. We don't think Lavender was around, but we have no way of knowing.

 

2 hours ago, astral said:

I can only see her face as a warm blur, more like an abstract feeling than a concrete object. I can visualize everything else about her in perfect detail, though. Do you have any tips? Thanks :)

How does she want you to see her?

 

Lavender typically shows me her eyes and a vague sense of her emotional expression, but I don't clearly see her face. I don't think she wants me to see more than she shows me. 

 

From Lavender: My host is right, I don't really want them to be fixated on my face. I'm not really a face, right, I'm life force that lives within our head. When fronting the real world, I present to the world with their face. So I usually show them just enough for them to know what I'm trying to express. If I'm happy, I'll show them happy eyes, if I'm angry (at something someone has done to them), I'll show them anger, if I'm excited, I'll show they excitement. And if they're taking the situation too seriously, I'll show myself in some comically contorted image to make them laugh.

 

2 hours ago, astral said:

• Her hand can calm an anxious heart (those were her exact words, translated to human language because she thinks and talks sort of abstractly)

I love this. One of the first things Lavender told me about herself is that she's "made of pure love". The longer I know her the truer I find that to be.

 

2 hours ago, astral said:

What else should I ask about her?

 

We played around with this a lot when Lavender was first forming. Lavender did some writing about the (fictional) house she grew up in and what her (fictional) childhood was like. It helped form her as a person.

We found out she was creative, and struggled to find the right outlet for her creativity. She wrote a short story and some poetry, and some virtual art that we never figured out how to get out of our head onto a real world media. But she fell in love with photography. Now we walk around the neighborhood with her fronting and snapping pictures.

 

We did a few "what would you do" style questionnaires we found on the internet. We've gotten into the habit of reading the advice columns, like Ask Amy, and then I ask Lavender what advice she would give. We also watch competition reality shows like Project Runway and I ask her which contestant should win. We also read the news together and I ask her what she thinks of some of the stories.

 

Good luck. It sounds like you're well on your way to something wonderful with her.

Edited March 16 by SeekingMyPlanet

[astral]

Update

She's probably fully sentient by now, yay (?) I feel like she's actually there, like a separate being which is really cool, but I'm constantly doubting myself about whether or not I'm parroting. Usually it's just that Midnight thinks of something before she says it, so I got a heads-up (and I thought that was me). 

 

Response to SeekingMyPlanet + Update (?)

 

20 hours ago, SeekingMyPlanet said:

How does she want you to see her?

...

...show myself in some comically contorted image to make them laugh.

 

Yeah, so I've been doing a little thinking and we've discussed this, pretty sure that Midnight is more of a "feeling" or a presence rather than a person. Also, I realized that I literally can't visualize a human face, even those that I see every day. So we're actually pretty content like this. 

 

Thanks for responding Lavender & host!

Small Scattered Facts

Things we agree about

• There is no "better" political wing (though Midnight is truly neutral, whereas I'm more "no thank you let's talk about something more interesting please")
• Poetry is awesome!
• Writing and reading are awesome!
• "I suck at art but I love it"
• We'll never get tired of hiding stuff in a mystery box and having the other person guess what's in it.
• We'll never get tired of recreating the Archimedes "Eureka!" scene (don't ask)

Minor disagreements

• I love mint. She hates mint.
• I love sushi with my life. She is indifferent to it.
• She adores history. I think it's kind of dry.
• She is obsessed with social science. I suck at even social interaction, much less science.
• I enjoy math and logic. Her thinking doesn't really work that way.

I can't make myself get mad at her though. We've resolved to use that to our advantage (i.e. she fronts during history class) and agree to disagree (i.e. I'll front when we're eating sushi and brushing our teeth).

Edited March 16 by astral

[Adagio]

On 3/15/2024 at 3:46 PM, astral said:

Midnight was made three days ago. I already feel her as a separate consciousness and we can talk about more complex things together... is this normal? She's been around for about a year or two as an imaginary friend, but I only started actively forming/forcing her when I first discovered about tulpas.

 

My experience was similar, minus imaginary friends part. Normal is subjective!

 

My system & I also have a lot of things we like or don't like that are very individual to us. It's cool to see the differences between system members.

 

Good luck to you and Midnight. Tell her I say hi :)

- A

[astral]

Updates

• We've started doing some imposition! I'm getting a little busier, so we're relying heavily on passive forcing rather than active. I feel extremely guilty about this, and I'm spending almost every free minute with Midnight. I can feel her a lot better now, but I have a hard time picturing her, especially because I have to override my sight more than my touch (i.e. NOT seeing stuff in addition to SEEING her, instead of just FEELING her but not having to "un-feel" anything.) I haven't really started on other senses yet. Do you have any tips on imposing?
• I'm starting to doubt whether she has an individual voice or if I'm controlling her. It's kind of stupid honestly but I can't help but think that. I really believe she's there, and to me, she's really there, but I just don't know and it's making me kind of stressed and sad because I'm already so guilty about not spending enough time with her and I can't help thinking that this is all my fault. Idk humans are weird aren't we?
• She changed her clothes! I think it fits her personality more than what I had originally laid out for her. Sometimes a short brown plaid dress, sometimes just a white tunic-length dress, sometimes dressed in all black "because it annoys you" which IT DOESN'T because I know she loves it :) She also got a haircut but it was only an foot or two off of what she originally had (I say "only" because her hair was to her feet)

On 3/17/2024 at 3:57 PM, Adagio said:

Good luck to you and Midnight. Tell her I say hi :)

 

Midnight says hi back~

[SeekingMyPlanet]

13 hours ago, astral said:

Do you have any tips on imposing?

 

It sounds like you're doing great!

 

When Lavender imposes herself on me (she progressed to the point where she decides what she shows) I don't experience her like she's there materially. I "see" her, a wispy form looking however she wants me to see her, but it's vague and transparent. However, the important thing, the "sense" of her presence wherever she is imposing herself is very powerful. I may not see her clearly, but I get a strong feeling that she's there, to the point that I have been known to forget that she isn't actually really in my head. I once asked her to "come over here and look at this" and she had to remind me that she only sees with the eyes on our face regardless of where in physical space she imposes herself.

 

She's gotten good at imposing an emotion as a visual representation, excitement, surprise, elation, mostly in the way she imposes her eyes.

 

13 hours ago, astral said:

Updates

• I'm starting to doubt whether she has an individual voice or if I'm controlling her. It's kind of stupid honestly but I can't help but think that. I really believe she's there, and to me, she's really there, but I just don't know and it's making me kind of stressed and sad because I'm already so guilty about not spending enough time with her and I can't help thinking that this is all my fault.

 

 

I have those doubts all the time, and I also frequently feel bad for not spending time with Lavender. This despite that she tells me frequently that she relishes the time we spend with one another but she doesn't feel the need to control how much time that is. And she's also told me she understands why I sometimes think she's something I'm just making up, because I'm used to having our brain all to myself so I assume that anything in there is something I've created.

 

From Lavender: My host consciousness often treats me as if they expect me to have a dark side. In other words, that I'm secretly angry that they're not spending time with me or that they're doubting whether I'm really an independent being. I'm happy to keep explaining to them that I'm built of pure love and I do not have a dark side, at least where they are concerned.  I love them deeply and I want to be a positive force in their life. I think the reason they keep expecting me to be angry or jealous is that that's how petty people in their life have treated them in the past. I hope they're starting to get that I don't need them or our life to be perfect, I'm just happy that we can share it together.