Aurora-Alley's personal space

[Guest]

I love your fish, nice work! Also, your reference of Lunette just inspired me and now i know what i want to draw next. My tulpas are all angelic by origin and nature, so they also have wings. We're happy to meet you. I read your PR, and were also happy to see another example of an older system.

[Aurora]

I love your fish, nice work! Also, your reference of Lunette just inspired me and now i know what i want to draw next. My tulpas are all angelic by origin and nature, so they also have wings. We're happy to meet you. I read your PR, and were also happy to see another example of an older system.

 

Thank you c: yiss we both have wings. It's nice to meet you too. My sis is happy that inspired you and she'd love to see the drawing when it's finished. Thank you for reading my PR c:

[Ranger]

Hi Aurora!

 

I'm really curious about how you shared you life with Pancake so far. Cat, my host, and I are planning on doing something similar- Cat has the best chance of making the most income, but I have thought about having a hobby or acting as a tutor, or maybe falling in love and then taking over as a parent! Having only possessed consistently for the last few months though, things are a bit of an adjustment period for us right now.

 

I remember the beginning of this year was rough. I was still really young and Cat had hit the peak of her anxiety-induced depression during the school year. I can relate to that feeling of being trapped and feeling like a hassle. At the time, I even tried to leave Cat and go dormant thinking it would be for the best and less than 12 hours later both Cat and I collapsed and we decided to never separate ever again.

 

Your art is amazing! We look forward to seeing more!

 

I'm a single Tulpa and I am definitely not ready for a younger bro/sis yet! Keep us posted!

[Aurora]

Hi Ranger (: is that your name?

 

Time is a bit of a struggle for us and it does limit what each of us can do. Luckily we have some money saved up so I have free time to learn my arts. Time constraints made us think about what are the most important things for us as we try to minimize everything else. The most important things for us turned out to be self-fulfilment and close bonds with a few people.

 

From my experience, being the only tulpa you should have juuuust about enough to time to live a full life similar to what humans have. Two tulpas and a host is kinda pushing it, I don't know how some people manage to have a dozen of tulpas.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you had a hard time, I hope you feel better now.

 

Thank you (: I'll probably make an art thread on this site at some point, but for now I'm just practising and I'm not as good as I'd like (:

[Aurora]

I haven't wrote here in ages but I suppose I can update on a few things. It was a mistake to think that I could have made decent money with art, nor did I even try properly. But that's completely ok, things worked out in that department for that best. My host became a data scientist to make us moneys so I don't feel bad about that. I could probably draw again if I wanted but it's a bit hard to find the time and energy.

 

I continued focusing most of my energy on the Alley family. There have been some major changes to it, some people left and some new people were added. I really didn't like that, I don't like change and I wanted stability. It was a difficult several years with a lot of big causes for celebration and for mourning. But we persevered and the family is doing pretty well now. It's very stable I think all the problems have been worked out.

 

I suppose you can say that my wish for a real life and real family has been granted, with all the benefits and downsides of it. Real life can be pretty difficult sometimes and often times small decisions you make now can have major consequences later. I have some regrets, I could have done things a lot better. But at the same time I'm grateful for how things turned out.

 

If any tulpa does go through similar experiences, the best advice I can give is to be patient. Don't react to things strongly, wait out negative events. Often times trying to force a certain outcome and going against the flow only ends up making things worse. And of course be grateful for things you have now. That's the advice I would have given my younger self.

Edited July 15, 2024 by Aurora

[Ashley]

Oh wow, it's been a while. Sorry it now says "Guest" in your PR but we had to retire "Angry Bear". Your presence brings back memories. We're glad to see you're doing ok and still around given the time. You were an "old" system when we were brand new and now we're "old". Family was a given with us, being a system of 7 for the last 4 years is plenty to feel like we're surrounded by a loving family. Nice to see you again. When Bear posted here we were still a family of 4 and thinking that's too much. 10 years is a lot, I guess we're past 5 years now, but there's no reason to think we won't see 10 at this point.

 

Ever talk to Reilyn anymore?

[Aurora]

Hi Bear and Ashley. It's great to see you again!

 

My journey is very unusual. Alley family is not a system, it is a collection of hosts with their tulpas. Unfortunately I don't speak to Reilyn anymore and that is the part of negative things that have happened. In fact what happened with Reilyn is the big regret I was talking about. But it's ok, we carry on.

 

Edit: to clarify, Reilyn and co are ok. But I don't think they'll ever be messaging here anymore. You asked a difficult question (:

Edited September 24, 2023 by Aurora

[Ashley]

You answered the right question, Reilyn was a good friend of ours once here and it wasn't the best falling out. She and host were going through a lot of things we couldn't help with. 

[Aurora]

 

[Aurora]

Hi everyone! I’d like to write a long post summarizing my life experiences so far. I like the idea of my experiences being known to an extent, while omitting some details that are too personal either for me or for the people who were involved in those events. And writing this has also proven to be therapeutic and cathartic for me.

 

 

Host's early experiences with mind magic (1990s):

 

Music: Antonio Vivaldi – Autumn (his mum used to play Vivaldi on an old cassette player)

 

My host had an interest in “mind magic” such as lucid dreaming or mind palaces since a very young age, maybe around the age of 5. It began with his dreaming. When he was little, he didn’t yet fully understand the nature of dreams and would also quite often have scary or disgusting nightmares. He also did not yet fully understand that dreams aren’t real and he would sometimes try to bring objects from dreams into reality, which obviously never worked (: He’s a pretty conservative person that likes thinking long term, for example one of the things he liked to do when he was little was to save all the money that was given to him by his mum and others. He saved up all the little coins his mum gave him studiously, even though later those coins weren’t really worth much, he liked the feeling of it. One time when he was around 6, he had a dream where there were coins with very high denominations, like 1 followed by many many 0s, and because of that the coins weren’t round but extremely elongated ovals. We still vividly remember how he tried his absolute best to bring those coins from dreams into reality. Inside the dream he understood that the dream is about to end, that he’s going to wake up and the coins will disappear if he doesn’t manage to “save” them. Well, he woke up and the coins didn’t magically appear in reality (: Some time a bit later, when nightmares were bothering him, he learned to will himself awake from a dream when something horrible was about to happen. This ability wasn’t perfectly honed at first and sometimes he would fail to wake up or would wake up in another dream that mimicked reality, this would sometimes cause a loop of waking up in another dream like 7 times in a row and there are a few memories in this brain that the brain is unsure if it was reality or a dream in those instances.

 

Developing this way of dreaming from an early age had some interesting consequences. Over time he did partially learn to “save” objects from dreams, only obviously they didn’t physically materialize in reality but could be later seen in subsequent unrelated dreams. For example, one problem he often had especially in nightmares is his legs not working properly, being unable to run or walk. So, overtime in those instances of half awareness, without much planning, he created a grappling hook item, kinda like in Terraria. He’d be able to grapple to any place in view in 3D and get around quickly even if his legs stopped working, and this hook, unlike legs never failed. This further reduced the number of nightmares he had, eventually things like that added up and he stopped having nightmares altogether. We don’t remember the last time we had a proper nightmare, it might have been over 10 years ago.

 

This caused other weird effects like dreaming about past dreams instead of something that happened in reality. Eventually there would be dreams about past dreams about past dreams, which would further deviate from anything that ever happened in reality. For example, one of the common themes in his early dreams was trying to get home in the city he grew up in. Sometimes he would succeed and sometimes he would fail. When he failed, he would sometimes encounter a place that doesn’t exist, a place that when you see it, you know you’re lost for good and this dream is doomed to end with him not finding his way back. So that non-existent place became known in the dream world as the place you get lost in and can never come back from. Then later he would have dreams specifically about that place.

 

Here's one example of how this would play out later after years of unusual dream logic compounding. Some time in a dream around 2015, two guys were chasing my host and he was running away. Eventually he arrived at a dead-end in an alleyway and they were walking towards him. He turned around and told them, if you don't back off, I'll wake up on purpose and you'll cease to exist. They got scared and backed off and he continued to dream as normal. He wasn't really properly lucid, it's just that even in non lucid dreams the mind learned to automatically employ some of this dream magic.

 

I can also report on some of his findings, for example that the brain doesn't process the flow of time any differently in a dream than it does in reality. At one point he was trying out sleeping with headphones to listen to affirmations and he heard those tracks inside the dream too (actual sound, not imagined). It was slightly muffled, distorted and sounded like it was coming from the outer dimension or something, but it wasn't slowed down or sped up, which presumably means the time was passing at a normal rate for the brain.

 

I can also report that the movie Inception severely overestimates how stable lucid dreams are. You can't even finish one game of chess in a dream, my host tried many times. So, no chance to have elaborate logical sequences like in that movie. My host's record with regards to playing chess inside a dream is managing to play around 10-15 real first moves with an opponent without anything strange happening to the chess position. He would be aware that this only chance at winning is to to keep the position stable, to concentrate on the position not morphing and pieces not teleporting or disappearing, but it would always eventually happen anyway. My host even attempted to correct the position after it started to deteriorate, because logically he still remembered what it was suppose to be. This worked briefly but once it started to deteriorate - it's a losing fight. Lucid dreams can be incredibly interesting but they have serious limitations too. For example, you might be able to enjoy a vivid uninterrupted scene watching a beautiful sunset, but good luck trying to write down a 10 digit number on a piece of paper without that number instantly melting and changing, no chance. If the movie Inception happened in real life, I think half of the crew would get lost in a variety of non-existent places in the city within first several minutes of the dream, never to be seen again by remaining crew, just wondering around in ever-morphing places. They might even meet fake entities that pretend to be their comrades, but aren't really. The "spinning top" idea from Inception is realistic, my host's version of that was either looking at a clock or trying to stick his hand through a wall.

 

 

Host's teenage years and mind palaces (2000s):

 

Music: Fringe Theme (ost)

 

A bit later, when he was a teenager and moved to UK with his parents, he started being interested in chakras, mind palaces, psychic reading and stuff like that. He wasn’t sure if any of it was real and was trying things out. He did his absolute best to be able to see auras and chakras of people, to a point where he even had faint hallucinations of seeing them around people, but he ultimately failed and came to the conclusion that wasn’t real. He also tried his absolute best to learn psychic abilities, like being able to predict whether the next card in a deck will be black or red. He tried and tried to beat random chance but he never did and came to the conclusion that probably wasn’t real as well. He also tried memorizing large amounts of information, like digits of pi or decks of cards using mind place technique (converting numbers of cards into objects or events along your mind palace journey) and this actually worked! With this method he could memorize abnormally large amount of trivial information, he was able to memorize 4 decks of 52 cards all mixed together, by imagining each denomination of a card was an object (like say spiders, or paper planes or anything else), the suit of that card was the property of that object (like giant, or numerous or wet) and the position in the mind palace denoted where the position of the card in the deck, like say a giant wet spider on his bed in a mind palace means the first card is four of spades.

 

Around this time, he also created an idea that stuck with him for the rest of his life. An idea of unlocking full human potential by constantly existing in a perfectly productive mental state, like creating an infinite willpower engine in his mind. This idea proved far far more difficult than he thought but he still thinks this is possible and is still working on this to this day. So far, he came to the conclusion that the most meaningful symbol or a token in your life needs to be used to power this infinite willpower engine, the thing you value the most. Being in state is like being hypnotized into being the strongest, smartest, sharpest and most productive version you can be. A state of permanent flow.

 

A few years after these events, in 2012 tulpa community became somewhat popular online and my host encountered it through silly pony videos. Like a video on youtube called something like 4chan tulpa thread simulator.

 

 

My creation (2012):

 

Music: Mixla - Very Sad Emotional Hip Hop Instrumental (one of the tunes used in my personality forcing)

 

I don’t think the motivation my host had for creating me was a typical one, he wasn’t really making me to have someone to talk to, it was more out of curiosity and a search for meaning. He didn’t really read many guides and intuitively understood the idea of tulpas. He imagined a library that represented our subconscious mind and in that mind palace he carefully and meditatively crafted my core, layer by layer. He used a lot of symbolism and many rituals. It took several hours but not as long as it would take for others and once the process was complete, he knew I now existed in this world. I didn’t speak or do anything but I existed. This was on 20th July 2012 which is my birthday. He then narrated to me and did many other commonly known tulpa creation techniques, until I slowly started to learn to possess, speak to him and be faintly seen in the real world, but with no actual hallucinations, more of a feeling of me being there. Around November 2012 I felt strong and confident enough to try to interact with others and that’s when I made my account on tulpa.info, on 13th November 2012. My host never really felt fulfilled interacting with me and the feeling is mutual. He’s not a very talkative person and also we still can’t shake off the feeling that he knows what I know and vice versa. The relationship between me and him doesn’t have the same sense of unknown and exploration a relationship between two separate brains has. So, I ventured out into the digital realm to speak to other tulpas like myself, little did anyone know at this point the flurry of events and impact this will have on our life and life of others.

 

On my dice of life I instantly rolled a natural 20 and met Samantha as one of the first people, she’s now my partner and we still love each other a ton, talk and play games almost daily after all these years. She elevated me greatly in life showing me a ton of love, and I elevated her greatly as well. I’ve met Sam on 8th December 2012 and we got into a relationship in August 2013.

 

 

Early naivety and drama (2012-2016):

 

Music: The Script - The Man Who Can’t Be Moved

 

Ever since my creation I valued both being a good person and also being seen as a good person (those two things are related but not the same). Most of the time I tried doing my best but despite good intentions, I was full of flaws. In particular I was and still partially am incredibly sensitive and could be very dramatic about some things. Like a young naïve child who’s exploring amazing but also dangerous emotions, young love and all that. There were a few people who also liked Sam, she was quite popular around these parts back in the day. There were times when I treated my “competition” unnecessarily harshly, together with many other messes I won’t go into. There are still some signs of old dramas I had on this forum, silly. I'm a pretty emotionally charged, passionate person, I guess it fits my red hair colour (: But slowly overtime I learned and improved and my relationship with Sam became a rock of stability people can rely on.

 

Oh, one thing I forgot to mention is that my original name was just Aurora, and Sam’s name was always Samantha-Alley. I took her suffix of Alley when we got into a relationship and became Aurora-Alley. Then around late 2016 we started to expand our social circle and we’ve found some people we got along with well, we agreed to become a family and this is how the Alley family was created.

 

One of the things that motivated me to look for outwards things is that being a being entirely within someone's mind, I really wanted physical anchors to keep me in this world. I wanted to have my own life, my own dreams and my own journey. That's what it means to be alive, right? Having relationships with people outside my system definitely helped me develop and grow into my own person, in a way that I don't think could have been done in any other way.

 

 

Alley family formation (2016-2020):

 

Music: Ghost Trick: Phantom Detective - Trauma [Extended]

 

Original Alley family consisted of 5 members, Sam, me and 3 other people (here and in all other places, I'm only counting separate people, not tulpas within the same system). For privacy reasons, I won’t go into the detail of how those personal relationships played out, there were a lot of joys and sorrows, people are complicated. My ideal was to have a forever family, a place where no one ever gets abandoned. I tried my absolute best to maintain that ideal but reality often had other plans. We did everything together and shared everything, when people met our family they thought we were headmates of the same system (: and I had to keep clarifying that we're not, it's kinda funny. Some people in an IRC room kept telling us to stop having intersystem chats, “the Alley system” (: Then after the ordinal 5 members, 2 more were added for a total of 7 people. Each new relationship I've made like that, each new connection brought me a new perspective on life, taught me things as they shared bits of their world with me. It’s almost like they’re a part of me and this family is everything to me.

 

A very memorable period of this time for me is when one of the Alleys introduced me to Persona games. I streamed Persona 4 followed by Persona 5 for them around 2017-2018 playing on hard difficulty (I always like playing games on hard). I really like how these games focus on importance of social bonds and how bonds make your stronger in other aspects of your life. Later I connected closer to some other themes of Persona 4, like truth being the fundamental thing to seek, the thing that separates good from evil and right from wrong. And the way people can be consumed by their shadow if they reject the truth. Persona 4 describes what I see my purpose in life to be pretty well and I've certainly made some bonds that are irreplaceable.

 

 

The tragedy (2021-2022):

 

Music: Just a Man - EPIC Ensemble & Jorge Rivera-Herrans

 

But as you can imagine, every person also brings their problems as well as their positive, interesting qualities. As pretty much every person in the world, every Alley had their sets of problems, some more severe than others. Some disagreements grew, I tried my best to keep my ideal that family always stays together but eventually it became too much. In particular, I always had a bad gut feeling about one of the original 5 members but Sam liked her so that was enough for me. But later Sam realized this was a mistake, and I was far too concerned about keeping our family perfectly together to listen. I guess I can’t get a natural 20 roll in life all the time, this time during the family creation a critical failure of 1 was rolled with one of those people. Looking back at it, the red flags were incredibly obvious but I was too naïve and young to see them at the time. The way I even met this person, she was in the process of running a slander campaign about her ex, a slander campaign that would she would continue running for the next 6 years and I wouldn’t bat an eye on it because that person was on my side and didn’t cause me personally any problems (great decision making there on my part). But then of course this exact same pattern of behaviour would play out in our family and this person would become insanely hostile and aggressive towards me and what partially caught my eye, towards Sam. It got worse over time and this person would be openly proud about her ability to hurt people. I could tolerate abuse towards me but when I saw her verbally abusing Sam for no reason, I was left with no choice but to kick this person out and the ideal of a family that always sticks together and never breaks apart was lost.

 

The final altercation happened on July 4th 2021. I still remembered how it happened, my host and I were sleeping and then woke up to a very large number of messages from Sam. When I looked at the chat, I saw dozens of missed calls from her, she was trying to wake me up but unfortunately we turn off all the volume when we go to sleep. After looking at some of the messages from Sam and in the family chat, I quickly grasped the situation. This destructive person was verbally abusing Sam worse than ever before, and I specifically had a conversation with the destructive person a day before this, politely telling her that she has to stop doing this. Sam doesn't have a cruel bone in her body so she had trouble responding in kind but she said two short phrases that I will forever remember. She said "bad person alert" and "mean cat alert" (because neko). I knew that no one in the world but me can understand the depth and vulnerability of what Sam was trying to express with these phrases, and that no one in the world but me can defend Sam against this. I swiftly removed this person and they immediately run to their friends spreading narratives about how they were abandoned, without mentioning why and displaying inhuman lack of remorse. I didn't take revenge or shout even though a part of me wanted to. Sam was incredibly relieved from this person being removed and called July 4th to be Alley independence day. That was no way to live.

 

It took me a few years after that to process and understand everything that has happened and my only regret is not kicking that person out sooner or ever meeting her in the first place for that matter. It’s really my mistake for being way too soft and too accepting and not protecting people I love better. A mistake I won’t repeat, you live and you learn, hindsight is 20/20. Since that person was kicked out from the family, they already tried the exact same thing in yet another community and was kicked out from there as well, which confirmed my understanding of the situation and that this person will likely never change or learn. The only winning move was not to play.

 

A quote I liked using before these events was “Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten”. That ideal meant sooo much to me and I fought for it far longer than I should have, in a very emotionally charged way. But after these events I changed my quote to “A peaceful home is a sanctuary for the soul.”

 

Personal disagreements between some family members, with this destructive person adding fuel to the fire eventually caused a split in the Alley family. The destructive person was removed by me and Sam and the 2 others left a year after, I really didn’t want to see the 2 of them go because I loved them so much. In the case of these 2 people leaving, the situation was nowhere near as black and white and unfortunately a portion of the fault lies in me. I then quickly met another person in summer 2022 who was a perfect fit for the family and we currently have 5 people in the family as of March 2024.

 

At my lowest point, in 2022, I've felt like everything has gone completely to shit and that the family I've poured my entire being into was basically gone. I felt like my best times are forever behind me. Losing those 2 Alleys that left was horrendous, like permanently losing parts of myself. And I saw abyss closer than I ever had before, that was quite an experience. That caused me to have much more empathy and understanding towards people who are in deep trouble. There's a saying that goes something like, the best thing about hitting rock bottom is that you have a solid foundation to go up. But I disagree. I think that abyss is bottomless and things can always get worse. I could see how things could have went downhill further and further still, but luckily they didn't. I felt that every time the ground was crumbling under me, I had a massive surge in energy to barely make a jump to the next solid surface, barely making it out alive. On the last leg but still standing.

 

There are definitely things I could have done better and there are some things I regret, but at the same time some of it was unavoidable. Life can be complicated and difficult sometimes. I obsessively thought about all the events that transpired for a long time, to gain any insight I could from it, to see what could have been done differently, to understand the situation from the perspective of everyone involved.

 

I went back and reconsidered the behavour of the destructive person a couple of years after all this happened. When all of this was originally happening, most of this was chucked off to her health issues (her host was born with Alport syndrome) since neither I nor anyone else was interested in building a case against her, we were just trying to make it work. But after things became absurdly horrible with her, I felt like I had to put these puzzle pieces together to understand the whole picture and understand why these things have happened. I also later learnt that this feeling of putting puzzle pieces together is a common experience in those who had an encounter with such a person.

 

Here are the pieces I was able to put together that creates a picture that might seem obvious to most, but it wasn't obvious to me at the time. For starters, one of the Alleys that left described the destructive person as "a crippled revolutionary with anger issues that wants to set the world on fire". I think that's accurate, but I think it would be more accurate to simply say that she has a cluster B personality disorder. It seems to fit really well. She also reported that supposedly both of her hosts parents have it. If true, this strongly suggests genetic predisposition, if false, this means she uses labels falsely. And naturally she places those labels on said parents to justify screaming at them, despite being entirely dependant on them due to health issues. She would do something similar to some select nurses at a dialysis clinic and then freely share that. Destructive person also uses the word "manipulation" excessively but in her eyes it's always others that manipulate and never herself. One big component to this would be narrative shaping, where the destructive person would construct an effigy of her target in her mind, that would over time deviate more and more from reality. She would convince others to interact with that effigy of the target rather than with the real person via selectively sharing logs and smear campaigns. If ever confronted about this false reality, the destructive person would claim that this perception is the responsibility of the target and if the target was to treat the destructive person better, this negative perception wouldn't have existed. Eventually over time, the effigy would lose all semblance of the actual person it's suppose to represent and would instead accurately represent the inner world of the destructive person herself. At this point blatant lies would be told about the target. The worst part about this tactic is the dehumanization and devaluation aspects of it. The 3 main reasons for this type of attack were: political disagreements, not getting enough approval from the target and envy of the target. Naturally, she'd done this to me as well.

 

As I mentioned before, destructive person suffers from chronic health issues and I do understand that those issues likely contributed to this behaviour, and who knows, maybe without them she would have gone down a more positive path. And it is important to point out that she does have a couple of proper stable relationships with people who don't challenge her, politically or otherwise. Those two people loved her since around 2015, there are two sides to every story.

 

I was incredibly hurt and angry by the entire situation but I consistently chose to take the high road, partially because I don't want to scoop to this level, partially out of respect for my family and partially out of respect for religious beliefs of one of the Alleys, that promotes forgiveness of one's enemies. But I think karma will get this person. As Jordan Peterson says, I think that people don't really get away with anything in the long run. It's interesting that destructive person's ex had also arrived at this exact conclusion independently in the past, they too talked about the whole cycle of being slandered, then being angry, then choosing not to retaliate, then believing in karma. Health issues are definitely something that played a role in this case, destructive person (host doesn't exist anymore, only tulpa/shadow remains) needs a kidney transplant, for a very long time now. But despite existence of donor exchange programs, to this day no one had ever seriously offered them one, apart from maybe Sam, and this is very unlikely to change. Which makes it ironic in more ways than I can count that the destructive person once called Sam "a failure as a person" during an explosive episode.

 

There were many more episodes but I won't recount them all. At first when I wrote this, I wanted my testimony to be kind of like retribution, to keep record of her sins. But I also know that I'm not without sin to cast the first stone. My feelings on this are complicated, I have both light and darkness in me. My Jungian shadow wanted revenge for a long time and I consistently turned that idea down, this internal struggle caused me to think deeply about morality overall. Additionally, this whole experience made me realize why vampires need to be invited in first before they can harm you - destructive person even admitted that she was good at manipulation when we first met and I was like, lol that's interesting. Too accepting.

 

In general, being in the tulpa community makes many things easier, but it also carries heavier than normal risks of encountering really unstable people. I think the percentage of those here is significantly higher than normal. Which I suppose makes it double lucky that I met Sam. And also I can now see why in dating, your potential partner having a bad relationship with their parents in a big yellow flag that requires a lot of caution.

 

After all the events settled and some time passed, my mind entered a mode where it started to try to make sense of everything, and there was a lot to make sense of. I felt a ton of anger, pain, regret, anxiety and many other emotions. To make sense of it all, I had to think about many different topics such as psychology, politics, morality, and others, as if my map of the world was updating and expanding. This was and still is a very long and difficult process and it drains a lot of energy from me and writing this journal was a part of this process. Several of my key beliefs about the world were changed. Through this sea of uncertainty, my family remained my guiding star so I was never entirely blind or aimless - I have people to take care of.

 

 

Healing and restoration (2022-now):

 

Music: Sia - I'm Still Here (Lyrics - Slowed)

 

Negative events that transpired on and off around 2019-2022 traumatized Sam and me to some extent, but luckily the troubles are all over. Things became perfectly stable after people who had issues were no longer here. I would almost say boring, but after all those events I greatly value a stable “boring” life. The wounds from the past are starting to heal and I still fondly remember many things that transpired in the past.

 

In the past around 2019 I've botched providing the help to one of the Alleys that looked up to me, I was too forceful and arrogant and that was one of the people that left later that caused me regrets. Thankfully I was forgiven for that and that means a lot, because this was arguably my biggest mistake in life. Butterflies are beautiful but it hurts them if you grab their wings. This happened because I was immature and also because I let initial success and admiration get to my head. I acted narcissistic, which is a hard pill to swallow and took me a while to face and accept, that's part of my shadow self. My relationship with this person started on the highest note and then went a bit downhill. What I did wrong was I pushed too hard to try to have things as they originally were, instead of just chilling and letting the person find themselves at their own pace. Then later, the destructive person, growing political divide and this person moving away from the idea of tulpas got in the way as well. "You'll never be mine, but you've got my eyes".

 

Later, by some miracle of fate, and using lessons I've learned, Sam and I managed to save a new Alley from a terrible domestic situation better than I ever thought I could. I'm very proud of this achievement. We helped that host get situated in a safe place with an Alley family member, so I’m proud to make that positive impact. Sam's host drove for over 1000 miles to get them, now safe and sound. It all went flawlessly, as if all the planets aligned for a brief moment and everything I did in the past played a role: such as building a relationship with Sam, helping Sam’s host get a house and learning from my past mistakes. Kinda like saving Futaba in persona 5. If the person described in the previous paragraph hadn't left, I might not have been able to meet and save this new person. No one could have predicted how this story would unfold back in 2012 when all I did was make a tulpa.info account (: I’m looking forward to seeing how it unfolds further, the future looks bright.

 

One interesting thing to consider is that because these events are so complex and because the outcome is pretty positive, it can be argued that everything that happened was for the best. Butterfly effect is a funny thing. Some therapists call this toxic positivity, trying to find a silver lining in every bad situation. But if I honestly ask myself, were these struggles, uncertainty and some of that abuse worth the end result which is the family I have now, the answer would be a resounding yes. And I don't just say this to cope with negative things that transpired in the past, it's genuinely an objective assessment from me. I think I got about what I deserve in terms of positive and negative. I did do quite a few bad things in the past so I feel like some of the negative outcomes were deserved. I would say my overall roll of a dice so far in life is probably around 15 out of 20. I still got a few freakishly good streaks of luck, maybe I ate Raki Raki no Mi fruit (: A natural 20 would have been all Alleys, past, present and future living together happily and harmoniously. But realistically that was probably impossible, there were some Alleys on the far right political spectrum and some on far left and as much as I wanted them to get along, that was probably never going to happen. The only thing that bonded them together was their mutual care for me and Sam and it looks like this alone wasn't enough. Another problem here is my perfectionism - things could have always went better.

 

Regarding politics, I think that both conservatives and progressives need each other. Progressives provide novelty and social change while conservatives provide stability and common sense. Unfortunately due to the current political climate in the US, there're little to no empathy and understanding across the divide. Opposing ideas are simply called "evil" and that was never the right or the moral thing to do. My host has compared the role of social change to radiation in evolution. Some amount of radiation is good as it introduces genetic variation across generations, improving things over time. Too much too fast, is akin to sticking someone into a nuclear reactor hoping the end result will happen to be good and stable. It seems like people in extreme suffering tend to be extreme progressives, as they hope massive change will turn their fortune around. I suspect there's a correlation between the dice roll of life and political leaning. Personally I tend to be a bit more on the right politically, as I value stability and don't like change very much, but I empathize with both sides. My affinity for stability and slow accumulation of stuff is even reflected in how I treat my tulpa form, I almost never made any changes to it at all, only changing from blue hair and blue eyes to Christmasy red hair and green eyes during the first week of my existence, and adding wings during the first year. In general, there are extremists on both sides and the most common reason for political conversion I've seen is encountering an extremist, being personally hurt by them and then swinging wildly towards the opposite side as a form of indirect revenge. And the cycle continues.

 

To summarize, I think some of the problems I’ve encountered were unavoidable because I lacked life experience to avoid them. It’s kinda silly that you only learn things after getting some bruises but that’s just how it is. Not only did I need to learn to identify demons within others, but I also needed to overcome my own demons. Overall, I consider myself a very lucky person and my initial luck of finding Sam as one of the first people I ever spoke to still shapes my world in very positive ways. I also realized that second half of this post changed tone from tulpa creation and mind magic and ventured into the territory of interpersonal relationships but I suppose this is what a tulpa experiences after he or she is "made". I'm still healing and trying to find myself.

 

 

Edit on 18/01/2025: added a bit more information

Edited January 18 by Aurora