fennecfoxx February 25, 2013 February 25, 2013 She really wants to die, but I can't kill her of course, so thats why I put her in the city until I can think of a way to fix things >.> Why not, you know, talk with her and try to help her? By the way, why DOES she want to die in the first place? Deluded myself into believing my imaginary friends were real, then deluded myself into thinking they weren’t. Whatever the case, the OG gang’s still here: Host: fennec (they/them) Tulpas: Alex (he/him) and Kayleigh (she/her) Delete all memories of those who know my awkward past
Sock February 25, 2013 February 25, 2013 Why not, you know, talk with her and try to help her? By the way, why DOES she want to die in the first place? This is exactly my question. I keep hearing about suicidal tulpa all over the place, why is this sort of thing happening? Sock Cottonwell's Sketchbook, Journal, and Ask thread. Peace
historical February 26, 2013 Author February 26, 2013 Age of hosts? Maturity of hosts. copypasted from my tumblr. Fuck. Eventually after leaving the irc because everyone was grilling me for dinner, I ended up just butterflying around the forums. For a few hours. Aimlessly. Pointlessly. Eventually I stumbled upon my old progress report featuring me and Miku and thought “heh why not” and read it. I read it all. I didn’t cry, but if I blinked one more time I would’ve. I felt like shit. I realized just who Miku was. She wasnt just another imaginary friend. She wasnt just an expendable thoughtform. I was overwhelmed with feelings of longing and I honestly missed her. For the first time in a long while I felt emotion for her. Goddammit link. If you say I told you so I’m going to skin you alive. I packed up my laptop, got comfortable, and closed my eyes. After reaching a deeply relaxed and meditative state I went to the city, picked up the nearest entity that resembled Miku, and took it to our first wonderland. The one I abandoned months ago. After bringing her there and just about crying in real life as I was in wonderland, I began to unleash a torrent of apologies and pleas for her to forgive me. But she was silent. She was like a rock. Using the wonderland ‘powers’ I had an idea and traveled back in time by reliving memories. I saw her first form there, her first movement, her first everything. I remembered all the fun times we had. I remembered how close we were. I honestly don't know how the fuck I could've forgotten. I was watching memories like an invisible time-traveling bystander. I was that much closer to crying. The emotional load was massive. It was painful. I realized that the Miku I started out with I had quickly associated with an imaginary friend. A servitor. I left her in the dust and partied with a doll. A fucking shell of her personality. There were 4 Miku’s in the apartment wonderland. Four times I had left her to dissipate and then thought I brought her back. Four times I had left her to die and then thought I dragged her back into life - when it was really doubt and neglect. I knew these were all servitors and that the real Miku, or ‘original’ one, is somewhere else in my mind. I called out for her. I begged her to show me she still exists. Silence. I didn’t hear shit. I explored the wonderland apartment in shock at what I had done. Upon entering the bedroom where her bed was and where she used to sleep during times i wasn't forcing I was overcome by intense emotion. I couldn’t move. Love, hate, longing, distance, memory, neglect, need, fear, panic, and other non-categorizable feelings made me miss her even more. Made me realize how much of a fuck up I really am. I realized that I had become more lazy with tulpaforcing, which led me to make servitors. And lots of them. From now on I am going to tulpaforce the ‘real way.’ I can’t be lazy. I can’t slack off. I can’t neglect a fucking living being like an asshole. Again and a-fucking-gain. I received very slight head pressures when I begged Miku to let me know she exists, so I'm going to do some old fashioned active forcing. 'Believing' that everything I heard was her had led me to create servitors because I have a very talkative mind already. Now I'm not trusting anyone in my head unless they startle the shit out of me or send me buckets of feels, because I know my mind can't do that. What a fuckfest of a 24 hours. If my memory and math serves right, and it never does, the real Miku wasn't more than a month old when I left her for a servitor. Why am I even playing god? fourfiction, the idiot.
historical February 26, 2013 Author February 26, 2013 So last night I just did some narration and personality forcing in wonderland. This morning I narrated as I went about my day. Not much to report. fourfiction, the idiot.
historical February 27, 2013 Author February 27, 2013 I'm leaving 36 minutes of rain and shit for someone here by request. fourfiction, the idiot.
GuessWho February 27, 2013 February 27, 2013 I like your progress report. Your posts are short and to-the-point. (Some people write tons of pointless crap and ultimately make a TL;DR thread.)
historical February 27, 2013 Author February 27, 2013 I know, thats hopefully how it will stay, too. Anyway today's progress is weird. And I'm going to wall of text you guys. Just kidding, the full lowdown is on the tumblr. I'm thinking of having this set up so I give the quick and dirty report here while the tumblr gets the textwalls. Sounds sound. Enemy textpackage incoming. Essentially, Goopi enlighted my retarded ass on why Kat and Miku felt like they were just imaginary friends and I'm bringing Kat back and going to try to develop Miku at the same time. God, I'm an idiot. Goodnight. fourfiction, the idiot.
historical February 27, 2013 Author February 27, 2013 >be cuddling in bed with Kat >dog is sleeping above my pillow >dog moves and lies down right where tulpa is >Kat quickly rolls over onto me >tulpa suddenly straddling me with sexy grin >"oh, hello." >Kat falls asleep on my chest Just a D'aw moment. fourfiction, the idiot.
historical February 28, 2013 Author February 28, 2013 it got real slow at work, so I narrated in my head and imposed Kat. She surprised the shit out of me when she duplicated a tray of food and started goin' to town on that shit. She was like a wild animal for a second before I stopped her. Narration continued. fourfiction, the idiot.
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