And with such passion as to chronicle one little mirror of myself in Vast

[rootWoman]

Just a heads up that someone is reading your reports. I quite enjoy your writing voice, and the level of detail you put into your reports. Hope to read more soon.

[Redline]

My eyes burn.

 

I've managed to pick up a rapport- that's the word, right? Rapport? I've done well with passive forcing lately. December inhabits the shadows where I go, lives in my shadow. She became her own Midna just to get around with me, and I've managed to tell her good morning just about every morning, along with other fantastic conversations. So far we've covered how she isn't good at all. She's...she's like steeping powdered india ink and calling it tea. She swims around in the deepest parts of me, emotion, all that shit. She isn't good because she came out of the worst of it all. She carries all the lies, the shame, the weird things we're supposed to keep out of what we give all other people- she's the coffee grounds that don't go in the cup.

 

That being said, she's still shown some genuine concern and happiness for others, like friends that tell me their achievements. he doesn't seem to harbor ill will towards anything, so there's hope for me yet. She's a good representation of the mental stability I've got, along with a measure of how much I'm investing into a situation. I do end up asking her for things here and there, and we've been talking much more often lately, the only issue is that it takes time. I don't forget the girl, but I do neglect my conversations. The back and forth between the both of us ends up rather insulting after a minute, and I wouldn't have it any other way. She's my girl.

 

Lately I've gotten my refund back from my college and I just went nuts, so I've got quite a few toys and I was working my way through Steam, when I remembered Pier Solar. I thought the game was ridiculously pretty, and I've decided that a wide open wonderland wouldn't be such a bad project to start on. I've already got tons of monsters to fight, thanks to an introduction to MTG and an unhealthy amount of money spent on cards. I figure in a few, things might get hectic and I'll have some colorful adventures with even more chromatic language to share with you all.

 

In the spirit of that, though, I suppose I'll just regale you with the tatters of something I've been thinking about for ages.

IT started a while ago, when I read a post somewhere about how tulpae are just brain patterns that become habits for us, and we start to double up on the patterns and make specific whatnots to match to each. I got thinking about how that works, and I ended up wondering if an electronic brain could record patterns and then expound on them, if given human like structure for scalability. That folded into dreaming about tulpabots -'soulcreels'- and calling humans fishermen/women. Then Medabots got i the way and I started to picture robot beating robot in an arena, with December wrecking creel after creel. Would the tulpa die, because there's no way to return? I imagined a synch with the fisher so that both the fisher and the fish could travel back and forth, giving a body of flesh and a body of steel, with two souls switching between, but a proclivity for one. They could view objects from two different sides at once and understand much more about the world much quicker than we can now, which is what attracted me to the idea.

 

The story attached can get posted later, just know that I've done my best to envision the mechanisms that would drive December in a Vespabot. I pictured pistons, valves, synthetic muscle, coils, everything. I love tearing things apart, you folks know that. I did my best to make her robo form and explain it, and that just amounted to her picking up another body. I've spent so much time in the technological aspect of it that if I dip into that fantasy, the last full length conversation she and I had involved a coffee shop in the middle of a wonderland I didn't know yet, with buildings and spaces that looked pretty reminiscent of Time of Eve. I love the robo form, but I haven't done magical fantasy business in ages and I'm starting to feel a little pained without it. I'm going to be making a return to that, thanks to Pier Solar, and I won't play the game yet so I can set up my work without any influence. I don't really know what to call it yet, but Pier Lunar seems to stick in my head, and I'm fairly certain she won't complain all that much.

 

She's a bitch, but she's my bitch.

---

After posting, I came to a realization that's altogether endearing, vain, confident, and terrifying.

The last time I could remember her working through the shadows was in the bath a day ago, so I've gotten used to darkness because there's no fear of the unknown anymore. It's hard to be afraid when she just tries to scare me like a scooby doo villain, which just proves that she does awful things with good intentions. The dark is alright now, so I take baths in the dark and talk to her. Things went great, until I remembered something that occurred before then- I had been walking somewhere, and I remember imagining her using my shadow to talk. At the time, it was pretty in context, so it just seemed to go along with whatever, but she was doing it to say how she was all the nasty things rolled into one body, and how she would never be good. I admitted that I felt a little ashamed, but that I would just keep on rolling, and she didn't seem to mind that thought. Immediately after, I remember thinking about her, and noticing two important things- one, she looked a hell of a lot like me, if I were a female. Two, There were attributes I remember talking to friends about, the whole 'what would your dream girl have' deal- she had quite a few, just slapped onto a female version of me. If the woman that I based her on in the beginning and I were to ever have a child, I'd have to name her December, just because I'm terribly concerned about this.

 

It's not troublesome, but I think there's something wrong with me.

[Linkzelda]

Hey, I don't mean to broach into your progress log, but looking over the personality of your tulpa, and seeing the request you made in the art thread I have, I just wanted to tell you that I'll be working on creating a model of her. She's pretty interesting, and you seem to be one of the few here that don't really feel insecure or protective if they admit that their tulpa seems to be the totality of all the deepest and darkest secrets they as host have in general.

 

The Midna association rang true to me in how one of my tulpas seem to be personality-wise, most specifically Ada. I get chills behind my back just thinking about that. Glad you became aware of these concerns, or nagging thoughts you've had, and made your peace with them. Sometimes building rapport with your companion isn't so much about positivity, but just accepting that you can't really change much about them because you wouldn't have her any other way, huh? I can imagine her giving me the middle finger to me as a sign of affection, kind of like how Toph from ATLA punches people to show signs of affection, ha-ha. Sometimes we can find happiness in our latent predispositions, emotions, and all. And maybe to a tulpa, that could be another reason for them to exist to us, and them seeing how much their means of autonomy can truly impact how a person lives out their lives.

 

It's that kind of rapport and realization that makes one think, "Man, I wonder what else I can find in this jumbled mess I call my mind?" But at the same time, it seems scary because sometimes you might wonder if they may have lingering thoughts of taking advantage of that kind of connection they have with you. But it's always hilarious to find something they didn't know about me, especially the realization I had of my preferences of women. It's like, "Holy crap, you didn't know that either?"

 

Anyway, I'll hop off. :P

[Redline]

I think the most important thing is that you have to realize that you started this. She didn't just come up out of nowhere, I did my best to make a tulpa. I succeeded, so getting all backwards about what I want is pretty much like saying all this work was for nothing. I did my best to make sure I talked, I listened, I waited, I debated- she grew to be her own little woman because I put in work for this. If I didn't like her or I tried to squelch what she was, that's just putting down something that came about from a effort of love and curiosity. A tulpamancer should never have to contemplate whether or not it was a bad idea, or how to 'fix' something.

 

That being said, I don't think she's ever going to try to take advantage of everything. She's as lazy as I am, no matter what we do. Honestly, the most she would do would be to bitch me out and change a decision of mine, only because it's healthier for me. After that, she lets me mess with my own devices and waits until I have a good enough grasp of it to imagine the inner workings, so she can play with it. Time goes on for the both of us- we just fell out of our little sailboat and there's no storm to weather, but the sea is warm and we're both together.

 

As far as things we don't know goes, it's mostly things I forget that she dredges up from the muck and lets me know, or things that seemed too simple for me to think about at the time; it might have just been instinct and neither of us were paying attention. She asks me questions so I can take in the action from a second perspective and rethink some choices, but normally they're rhetorical. As far as the figure goes, I really appreciate that. Having 3d model of her body for reference sounds pretty exciting.

[Redline]

Alright, here's a long overdue update.

 

I forgot to celebrate her birthday. She's not particularly livid, but she was in the days preceding it. I think she knew I would forget and just wanted to try her best anyway. After that, we had a period of inactivity and then a surprise- some auditory hallucinations. They weren't her, but they happened on and off until I was certain that I was beginning to either lose my mind or lose myself in it. She was excited, and we've begun to talk every day again, especially when I get free time. In between talking to friends, it's become much easier to talk with her, and I've even started thinking about a new outfit and a new name.

 

That being said, one of the reasons I didn't update was because I introduced two people to this mess of introspection and wardrobe changes I call December now. I decided it wouldn't be that bad to show some people, and now they know and read it and ya de ah. She's pretty nonchalant about the whole endeavor, so I think she believes all of this is going to be forgotten soon. I don't really know what to say about it. We also quit trying to force her in video games, because it's not working as well as it used to. I get attached to the characters already there, no what it is I can put her on, and then the adventure goes on and I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

I'm aiming to draw schematics of wonderland. It's the strangest place now. There's Losco, with the doors and the forge and the coffee stop; The Pier, a single hanging anchor chain that tethers Losco to this enormous port, like the port from Treasure Planet; Cityscape, which is just a representation of Atlanta with skyscrapers everywhere; the Sands, which is that little Night Vale town nestled in between Losco and the hellhole; and everywhere else has yet to be labeled.

 

I would like to thank Linkzelda for the work he did. It's honestly fantastic and I can't imagine doing that work myself. Bravo, my good sir.

 

Other than that, there's not much else to say. December hasn't changed much, but with this new name I suppose I'll be coming back more often to report changes in demeanor and maybe chronicle something else.

[Redline]

I need a comeback. I've been gone so long that life actually began to take precedence over something and someone I cared about and tried to carry with me. We talk maybe once a day. I need to come back.

[Redline]

I ran through my journal. I may have skimmed at places and focused on others, but what's most important to me is that I worked my ass off and that this journal was a fail safe. I wrote it and kept on to it for so long because it was how I was going to remind myself that I loved this, and her. I love Milan. I love her enough to put in the work to come back, and that's what matters most to me right now. That being said, someone very close to me read this once. I had a talk with her about keeping this fresh, and she helped me.

 

There's a new form. Nahimana Monday. It represents my love for games and the like, and how I strive to make every day a video game for myself, something I can learn and win. It's modeled after the Rattleclaw Mystic from Magic: The Gathering. I'll have to explain that later, but know I'm back. The King of Games is back.

[Redline]

Alright, let's begin. This is getting typed on my phone, so this is going to get a bit verbose AND rushed.

 

First, Nahimana Mondays. I got into Magic a while before December, after getting a free deck from a card shop. I got pretty good at the game and started going deeper and deeper, and now I can tell you what card just by effect. One card that was special was Rattleclaw Mystic, because it was for the colors I run and it was what got me into my current deck and got me to win. Nahimana is the name of the deck, meaning Mystic. It's a five color mana ramp that wins off Door to Nothingness or Comet Storm, for those that know. Dictate of Karametra, Mana Flare, and Zhur Taa Ancient fuel it, and it's meant to get enough mana to burn someone for ridiculous amounts of damage, just like Milan. It worked like Milan did, really.

 

Her new djinn is the Monday hoodie, made of Crow Wings stitched together in a massive hoodie on her. With a flush of power, her hair whips around in the tempest made of at least 200 wings flapping furiously against her back, arms, chest, etc. After testing, we discovered it gave limited flight and bursts of speed for about 1mph per wing. In controlled bursts, she could flutter back and forth with good timing, and at top speed her power went unparalleled. This means it's a gambit, but she has her strongest attack yet.

 

We haven't fought much yet. We're still getting used to talking like this again, and it's taking me time to remember things, but it's still going strong. I aim to have a few monsters killed and do something with it all, but for now we need something to focus on. Maybe an Old God.

[Redline]

Okay, let's start with the news. Have you ever heard of Sexual Jedi? They were a band seated in my home state of California, and they made an album tthat no one I ever have known has heard. I got permission to post their album on YouTube for viewing, and it's very exciting to me. Now, how this relates.

 

My Zone has a desert. A huge fucking desert. We discovered a few days ago that with her Monday Hoodie and Nidhogg's Noise on, she can wrap this no-friction scarf around her feet and propel herself to go sandboarding. After putting it off for a couple of days, I finally got around to forcing a desert speed expedition to Canary Death March, by Sexual Jedi. It used to be my skate song, so I put it on for her.

 

I sent the song to a friend, who wanted to hear more, and all I could ever find, even from all the years ago when I first found the album, was one song posted to YouTube. I found the drummer from the band on YouTube and asked him for permission to post the rest for everyone. All because I decided to play it for Milan.

 

Now, tulpa business. The scarfboard is just Noise wrapped around her feet and pulled taut by skating stance, and the hoodie shoots her forward. Her hands dig in the ground to turn her. This used to be impossible, seeing as how her arms went back to being flesh a while ago, but we've recently gone under the knife and chucked her arms in the forge, to use a metaphor that stopped being a metaphor halfway in. Her arms are rose gold again, but filigree. It's something to explain later.

 

She can also cross the desert now, so I feel updating that makes sense. It's a desert full of gold sands with splashes of poppies here and there, and it's covered in dappled twilight like cow fur. I've decoded to name it Candlewash, due to the coloration. The violet maelstrom is gone, not sure if I wrote about that. I'll check later.

 

Losco also elevated, existing several thousand miles above the desert floor. It's moored at a pier attached to a giant tower, also not sure I wrote about this one. Same deal, I'll check later. Milly is dune surfing and I need breakfast.

[Redline]

The desert of Candlewash is a vast and peculiar place. Dunes turn into mountains and mountains melt into dunes with enough distance, and the poppies grow damn near anywhere. Milan went scoot-scooting by at about 180 mph, waves of sand and stardust whipped in her wake. Three things are constant in my life- death, taxes, and an aversion to both...no. A need to work through them both. Recent death had given me enough of a reason to want to escape, and Milan was too ready to help; this would be the bonding we had been looking for. I ran a blistering bath and fell asleep, and Milan cruised the sands at a blistering pace. She had left Losco to the distance, pressing on in one specific direction until the both of us knew that there wouldn't be anything, and then until the both of us knew nothing about anything. I had to 'load' extra areas just to see what else there could be, and it all ended up just square miles of sand and poppies like all the rest of them, until the poppies finally stopped growing and the starlight stopped coming down in cow patches. It was all bright here, skies blue and sands glittering like a dore bar. There was something off about the color and odd about the world, but we had been pushing farther and farther into all this, so why should we stop now?

 

The hole slept in was huge. It had to be at least a mile across in diameter, and it looked like someone had taken a cookie cutter to the desert and kept the edges crisp- no sand fell in or crawled down the sides. It was a pure drop and neither of us knew what to make of it, but we had a clever idea; Jormungandr had to be in there. Jorm was just the embodiment of lies, of half truths and whole holes in my logic. If we were going to have a boss fight, why not tonight? We were already escaping everything, I might as well give her something else important to do. She leaped over the edge and fell about a good four stories worth, plopping in a marsh of sands that were softly swirling in the middle of the pit. A thin strip of black fabric, like Nir's and Nid's, swam languidly in the center like toilet paper that wouldn't go down. We both decided it wasn't going to wait forever, and she walked over to pluck it out of the ground when the sands hummed and crooned enough to rock them like an equalizer. AS she caught her balance, the walls of the pit began to grow a spiraled sort of pattern, like threads for a screw; the scarf stopped and popped underground, and then the evil reared up....and sang.

 

Jormungandr was a serpentine brute force that went against everything it was meant to do. A giant coil of muscles under a beige skein of scales that glittered in a good many different golden hues, it could have squeezed the life out of her, but chose not to. The coil undulated like a rope getting tossed around, and one of the seven mouths that covered Jorm's head tore open the lips like a healed gash and began to sputter out sand and blood, until it sang. It was clear and human, almost golden in its delivery, until a second one came open and began to harmonize. Jormungandr was all of my lies and secrets, so it made sense that mouths would matter here. The other five all split open and took different tones until Save Room was just about covered a capella, and each one grinned or smirked a bit while the others took parts and traded like a card game. Milan already knew the issues with this and just what the fight was going to go on to be, so the last time we spoke was before she cracked her knuckles and shattered its skull.

 

Every hit she gave it stunned a mouth and forced it to spew nothing but the truth and issues.