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And with such passion as to chronicle one little mirror of myself in Vast


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Am I truly wrong for wanting to keep her form like that?  

49 members have voted

  1. 1. Am I truly wrong for wanting to keep her form like that?

    • No, you're fine.
      33
    • No, but...I hope it's censored.
      6
    • Yes, but...I suppose desires can't be helped.
      7
    • Yes, it's wrong.
      3


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Long story short today.

 

I made Lady a transformation device.

Lady is tsundere.

I've made a tumblr for the LinkZelda posts, because I don't want to jampack this PR with things that could be better viewed elsewhere.

I made another wonderland, and this one won't break.

I've decided I'm going to stick with Lady for at least a year, to see how things are with just one tulpa.

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I want to read this because I am sort of interested, but oh my god so many words.

"If this can be avoided, it should. If it can't, then it would be better if it could be. If it happened and you're thinking back to it, try and think back further. Try not to avoid it with your mind. If any of this is possible, it may be helpful. If not, it won't be."

 

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Okay, now to get back into my old habits and bog the reader down with detail;

 

The transformation device is a little cube inside a cube that just monitors how long she can spend in some eldritch form that I can't really imagine at the moment. I'll tagg it down to a science later.

 

Yeah, Lady's tsundere. I did the math here, folks. I'm not going to explain how I know, it's just a few things that I've noticed.

 

Tumblr, blah blah blah. Posting, blah blah, blah. I'm trying to boost my time up by one minute per each session, so whereas it started out as 1 minute of writing, 10 times and then a ten minute full on session, it's gotten to 2 minutes of writing, then 3, and now 5 minutes of writing ten times. I hope to push it up to where I spend ten minutes on each one, just to push along my narration skills.

 

The new wonderland is a cafe, a tiny one with a band and a barista. That's about all I can say.

 

I'm sticking with just one tulpa, because I don't want to get in the habit of 'oh, I made too many, fuse them and it fixes things'. Tulpa are srs busy and I am not going to just toy around with this.

 

Lady got a new name. It's Carolynn. She likes it, I don't mind it, and things are normal.

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Yesterday was a pretty strange day. I ended up going to my 6 year old cousin's birthday at a Chuck E Cheese's and sitting there with a massive headache from the get-go. Nothing bad happened, I just didn't feel all that good. I decided trying to push it away with some games was one of the only other options, so I grabbed some tokens and walked around, just avoiding children and glancing at what I'd like. I tried a few games and didn't like them, and then settled for some skeeball. In the beginning, I played about 2 games before this woman came up next to me with a baby that had a penchant for throwing the balls on the glass, and I didn't want to get hit by the crossfire, so I stepped aside and went from one machine to the other. I started to play there, and after a few games I noticed I had way more tickets than I should have. Simultaneously, my machine was so broken that it wouldn't stop the balls sometimes, and the scoring would cheat me out of one ball, or at least, I thought it would. I looked over and saw that every time I got cheated, the machine would mark me up 10,000 points, or the highest scoring hole. Now, that's pretty good in its own right, but what happened inside of me was of greater note (considering this to be a tulpa community, after all).

 

At the time, my headache was gone; skeeball was pretty fun, even without the tickets. I had been playing for a while, and used about half of the tokens when I had finally figured out what was going on - I attributed it to the machine loving me. Even if I wasn't that high of a scorer, it still wanted me to feel better and did that for me. I was only playing for fun, after all. Halfway into my explanation, Carolynn stepped up and said she was doing it. She was flipping the trigger if I scored the lowest and making it waste a ball, but give me 10,000 points. It happened if I scored the lowest or highest, and she was just sitting on the machine, dodging balls under the glass and waiting for me to fail. I thought that was one of the nicest things she had done for me, even if it hadn't been worded well enough to keep me happy. She and I went back to our table with ill gotten gains, but before I left I had told someone else about the secret Machine that Cared. He decided to follow me up on it, but as I walked away I heard her say "You know it won't work for him. I'm the reason the flipper got toggled and you scored, you hear? And without me, that machine is just another uncaring lump of metal."

 

Whether Loving Machine or Loving Tulpa, yesterday was one of the better days I've had in my life.

Last night I had a dream about some strange things that I think I'll just write about in the narration exercise.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, I've hit a spot of comfortable narration and feedback. It's a constant thing, and it doesn't take much effort to conjure up her voice anymore.

Also, she's got a nasty streak to her. We argue bunches now. I think it's constructive, but at the same time it just sounds like mental bickering.

As for the visualization, I'm beginning to write out her features as descriptive as I can. I'm getting to the point where I can go for about a page on one thing, but I need more and more lately. I'm going to see this as clearly as I can.

I haven't worked on or imposed the HUD on a while, because I stopped working on her form.

I've got some friends that I hang out with lately, and I usually forget to talk to her, but I did manage to talk to one of them about it today. He seemed pretty accepting of the fact, given that he's gone through some psychological issues and decided to study up on the field himself.

My thoughts don't flash to sex like they used to with Vesperarc. It's just a normal day, and I might think about a girl I just saw or someone in a bookstore, something. Now Carolynn just berates me for it and makes terrible jokes.

I'm beginning to work logically on her insides. Her arm, the powers, and everything else. It's getting intricate and I like it that way.

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My responses here are getting more succinct as time goes on. I'll have to remedy that later.

 

First up, the realization of Lady. Or rather...That Girl.

I found out today I have an obsession with naming things. I just do. I was pinning down forms on my tupperware because I liked this form or that form, but I always like different things. I see a girl on the street and may like her outfit, her hair, her body, her voice. It's just how I get through the day. I was pushing that on Lady and giving her name after name. Rather, I shouldn't even say Lady; it's Vespera, it's Vesperarc Enciel, it's Vesperasura. It's Skashi, it's Katzj, it's Carolynn. I like names and I pick them out to nail down some features I like, but they always change. It's like trying to nail down a Ditto.

At this point, I think it'd be best if I just called her That Girl, for reason I touched on (or rather, she did) in the exercise on me tumblah. I hadn't done it in a while too, so I figure I'll just have to make it a regular event, like homework.

 

Secondly, I've finally got my longboard back and after a long hiatus, I'm skating again. Normally, that wouldn't even belong in a tulpa oriented board such as this, but it's special for the reason that That Girl kept nagging me as I skated back home today. I went practically around the world exploring for better places to skate, and slapped a bunch of stickers on it in an effort to make it look pretty. That Girl was just going on about the danger, but did give me a few accolades for avoiding death again and again. Tulpaforcing during skating isn't as hard as I thought it would be, now that I can call her up easier than before, and it doesn't feel like parroting. Only time soothes this savage beast, gentlemen.

 

Third, I've been in and out hacking SSBB for fun. It's something that's time consuming and exciting, and I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile when I get on it. That Girl was on my ass about it, since I tend to neglect just about everything but my controller and sweaty palms. She wants to fight, and I need to find an outlet for it, because creating characters for games and then fighting in them doesn't do it for her. I know there's a channel for it, but...come on, people. I need help with this issue.

 

That's all for today/yesterday, folks. Tune in next time for more adventures with Captain Chief Redline and That Girl!

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Who even reads this thing?

Numbers go up, but I don't even know why. I'm boring, y'all.

 

That Girl has gotten to a point where we can talk without much effort anymore. Sometimes I forget and ignore her, but she's gotten used to the silences and just does whatever until I remember to say something back.

 

For those of you that don't read the tumblr of my exercises or whatever, after I mixed the girls...

Losco, my wonderland, fell to pieces. I didn't get any farther than that.

I made a new one that looked like a tiny coffee shop, and had fun there, until intrusive thoughts fucked it up. On a recent trip through my city, though, I found a strip joint that I decided to imagine the inside of, and ended up putting the coffee shop there. It seems like I can't fully imagine things if I can't experience them, so now that I have an IRL location for my thoughts, it's much easier for me to go there and imagine. I would go inside, but I'm broke and young.

 

That Girl's been pretty active, egging me on or saying things about my day. We've fallen into another niche, and it's comfortable, but I have to start narrating again. It's been attacking my mind for a while, so I have to do it, or else I'll just feel like I'm going to regress, which I don't want.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Today I confronted a long standing problem known as my Procrastination.

Now, I know that miles ago on this road of whatever, I said Nidhogg represented that, and that Ves knocked it out of this mortal coil.

But Ves is gone now, as far as you people know.

 

So I got really lazy with forcing. Silly me, right?

Carolynn's been getting pissy with me forgetting, but in class we decided to write down a back and forth conversation using Red and Blue ink. Felt pretty good. I think I just need to ease back into the waters for me to start forcing again, lest I feel burdened by it and then develop some adverse attitude.

 

In an effort to return to my old descriptive ways, Next post is going to be about the little Dore Bar that she and I frequent in my head. For the tumblr readers, you already know how things go down, but I feel I should at least post this here. It'll be a doozy, so prepare your loins.


I might even have Lady fight a bit, and I've also been wondering about a revival of Ves.

Names aren't important, what 'is' is the feeling and essence behind it, and Carolynn's been getting particularly Vessy lately.

Maybe even an Evenstar or two. Look out for updates, folks.

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  • 4 weeks later...

So...let's continue.

 

First and foremost, Vespera is back. Those nostalgic enough, rejoice. She's as snarky as ever, and she still carries with her that same air of a woman who has no interest in anything that doesn't directly involve her and I. She also filled out a little, blooming after a few pieces of advice and some cries of dissent. Now that that's all over, I've got some things to say about Evenstar later.

 

Secondly, with the revival of Ves, Loscoloso is back. Pretty little place, and a door...somewhere...leads to the coffee shop. Raides and Wyvern are totally fine, and as happy as ever. I haven't been back, but I trust that they're keeping the place cleaned up.

 

Third, Losco is sitting over Night Vale. Yes, that Night Vale. It's perched over it, and not that swirling maelstrom of pain and fear. The sands in town are gold, but stipple into violet and indigo glimmers as the desert stretches on. There are still radio towers, yeah, but they actually broadcast now.

 

Fourth, I've taken on a different sort of form in my wonderland. It's a little more stylized and I've got an arm like Ovan, but the whole coffin looking deal separates and can become a few weapons. I'll explain later to those interested, because this is a wild concept to try and convey without direct visuals. It's a whole warrior mage deal, and Ves is still her natural Thief Mage self.

 

Fifth, Evenstar. I had started using it like a way to strip me of all my pain and despairs, doubts and worries. It worked really well, even with the internal images I would bring up. Ves would ask me every time something terrible happened if I wanted Evenstar, and I would usually let her do it. It makes her a bit stronger and it keeps me light on my feet. It just sort of rips the bad thoughts off of me like ink being sucked out of an old tattoo, like shawls of shadow just getting wrenched from my shoulders.

After using it for a while, I got into Black Rock Shooter and tried to give her a few thoughts, but she denied guns. She likes swords.

 

Sixth, things are pretty normal again. I did fail a bit at the HUD before, so I'm just going to take it slow and now I've started imagining a little Sensen from Remember Me right on the base of my neck. It's a good way to gauge my emotions, and it lets Ves tap right in to the better ideas I've got without me having to spend forever trying to contort her image and explain it through training. Think Gadgets from Ape Escape.

 

Now she can just use Constructs, just summonings of ideas I thought was too powerful for her to get into. However, with better ideas, I still need someone to fight. If anyone is up for a little sparring match with someone like me, reply, message, I don't care what medium. Just let us know.

 

Thank you for your time.

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