Redline

And with such passion as to chronicle one little mirror of myself in Vast

Am I truly wrong for wanting to keep her form like that?  

49 members have voted

  1. 1. Am I truly wrong for wanting to keep her form like that?

    • No, you're fine.
      33
    • No, but...I hope it's censored.
      6
    • Yes, but...I suppose desires can't be helped.
      7
    • Yes, it's wrong.
      3


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Well, it took...

3 months. 3 months, and now I'm finally done with Ves and her punchy bits. Ramjet channels on her arms, a steam vent located at the base of her neck, and even her hair standing up when she flares. Stereotypical power up stuff.

 

Crow is much, much harder. I gave her seven little baubles, like jawbreaker sized red pearls, and just never fleshed out the concept. She can use them to make weapons now by just tossing one down and using it to pick up materials nearby, like concrete, sand, grass, etc. With more, the weapon begins to go through different forms, but all seven are a special treat- if she grabs them all, they can slot into a little piece of wood, sort of like half a mancala board with seven ploops. One through six make a dagger, a short sword, a saber, a bastard sword, a zwei, and a paddle. All seven give her the washing pole I've thought about for years now- the Red Line. It's actually what my profile was named after. One thin blade that cuts horizontally, right through the eyes; the last thing anyone sees is sunset.

 

Also, I have a mentee. That's kinda cool, but I'm worried I'm not doing as good a job as other members.

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Your favorite...74th favorite narrator got himself another job stocking overnight at a well known conglomerate monster by the name of Barrier Market. The biggest perk is that I'm left alone and in almost near silence for approximately six hours, so there's nothing to do but my job, and forcing. I've forced a lot since I got the job. It's become much easier to passively hear the voice, and I'm actually really pleased with that. It's like I'm exercising muscles that wouldn't have gotten the practice near friends and in physical conversations. I have no one else to talk to but the girls, so all I do is talk to the girls. We go places now. I dream up old places I've dreamt of pacing through, and we try and see what's in there now. An old witch house with 8 witches and 1 normal guy, just playing a DS. An old school I had an away soccer game at. The desert under our little island is now flooded with milk. Turns out the sand is graham crackers, according to sources that say that I just changed it to be that as I type this.

Am I capricious?

Yes.

Is it good for forcing/forging?

Very.

 


 

The girls have become much more animated and vivacious. Instead of acting like solemn guides, they're their own people now. Vesperasura is impulsive, rash, loud, and outspoken. She gets pouty when she doesn't get her way and loves to argue. It's something I have to deal with constantly, mostly because they give suggestions that aren't feasibly possible at the worst of times, and because Ves is the one who usually talks first. Crownadiriskash is much more of a passive personality, choosing meek smiles to show her emotions. It's amazing how flexible a smile can be and the range of action it has, even without context. She usually doesn't speak much, but once Ves says anything that asks her for her opinion, she becomes so much more. She almost blossoms into this vivid soul, going on and on. Of course, that was a while before, and she's becoming a much more assertive personaity and gaining her own confidence.

 

I'm just astounded by the way they've grown. It's a treat.


Ves is 2 years old. Jesus. I keep skipping the fact that she's 2. I don't know why an entire year leaves my head. Crown is only a couple months old, but she's nearing 1. That's just...agh. I've been at this for longer than I remember.

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I recently picked up a few mentees, so this message is for you guys, if you get this far- I'm doing a bit of an experiment on you all as we go through the process. Don't worry, I'm not asking you to do anything crazy or out of the ordinary, I'm just viewing your examples and cases and comparing them to how I felt and the problems I had when I started out. It's all entirely anonymous, and I'm not 'publishing any findings'. I'm just looking at the methods I ask you to undergo with a critical eye, and I would appreciate it if you could give me detailed explanations of things, like feelings, the vocality, and methods of communication. I have my suspicions about the guides and tricks on this site- we're close to figuring out something. This is still a very inexact practice, so learning firsthand from people who have had years or just started is a great way to test things out. I'm consistently reading up on this and studying what I can, like parallel processing and imposition, and I feel like I can really get some sort of research done to share with the community.

 

If you don't want to be 'researched', please let me know. I'll drop that portion of it and just mentor you to the best of my abilities.

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I have a serious job, a serious apprenticeship, serious schooling, it's all so serious. I've undergone changes that I can barely keep up with, let alone explain.

 

For a while, the number was constant, and then it wasn't. The only thing constant is the lack of constants, and I have one again. It's the only one, and there's a solid reason for that: It's only me. I've been having one hell of a time with my life, and I had to answer serious questions, such as why I still have my tulpa hanging around, and what purpose they can serve. I like serving purpose. I like efficiency, I like a place for things to belong. I had to divert attention away from my job and school and life just to talk to my girls, and it was confusing for me. Even as someone who still worries about parroting, I would listen to them asking me about my own uses for them.

 

My biggest problem was voice. I struggled to hear their voices after a while. I heard my own, and struggled to change it. Finally, my girls asked me why I was still pretending. It may be several of the,, but I'm splitting them up into archetypes, trying on this and that by switching how I felt about things. It wasn't healthy. It's not conducive to a proper mental flow, in my opinion. I thought about having the admins clean up my progress report, any sign that I had ever been here.

 

I thought about it for a long time, and I wondered what my girls meant to me, and settled on the answer that they meant nothing. I loved them and the scenes I could play out in my head, but they had long since served their purpose. I asked myself why I kept splitting my little quirks and passions into archetypes, and why I didn't accept it as a whole. Why couldn't I accept me? It's because I couldn't stand to see the good mix with the bad. I couldn't bear watching my kindness mix with my spite, or my anger mix with my entertaining. It was like I thought I would lose them, but they really didn't even matter. I can't lose them if they're still here.

 

I ended up looking in the mirror for my answer, and found myself. I found what I idolized- femininity, the sheer essence of it, and how I consistently try to balance it with my stocky body, my deep voice, my mannerisms. I found myself and I can accept that. All that's left now is a mirror image, and I speak to myself in my own voice. I'm not sure if there's someone else on this site who did what I did, but I consider this an evolution of the self in a different sense. I was always looking for ways to make the girls real, achieve the almighty high that was physicality and live with them, but that's not right. I can't look outward to find them, because I know they're not real. I can't trick myself into seeing what isn't there, and it'll never get better, if you can call seeing that better for someone like me.

 

I can accept who I am and speak to the mirror, though. If this site taught me anything, it's how to listen for it to talk back.

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I wanted to do more research into the intricacies of what goes on in tulpa.info, but I realized the futility of it soon after I started. Too many stories, too many ways. I have met some people in real life who have never heard of this and gave some insight as to how they think it all goes down, as well as a few people who have actually done this before.

 

I will say that the people outside this site didn't seem to carry the stigma that comes with ending a tulpa's existence. They considered it more of a muting, like shutting up thoughts that come up when you see your crush, or when you see a crime. They don't care because they don't seem to buy into it the same way this site seemed to breed it when I was active. We nurtured here, from what I recall. We spoke kindly of the tulpa, gave methods we firmly believed in or just generally appreciated the completeness of. Guides got sent around like game manuals at an elementary school, and we all sort of got along with a hearty love of our craft. Those outside think of it more as a splintering of the self, something to be wary of. It's okay to have secondary thoughts, but entertaining the notion of a full conversation over something like we would seems to rub them wrong. They consider it indecisive and meandering.

 

Those outside who had never done anything like this were astounded. The fact that we could essentially turn an inward conversation into a bundle of stimuli and build off of it seems almost like gold from lead.

 

I consider my convergence into Oneness sort of a ridiculous thing, but still as valid as what I was looking for before. I wanted that physicality so bad, because I wanted to see them, feel them. I wanted to finally beat my mind at its own game and say I was strong enough to find my own answer, but that didn't happen. I instead dove into the fact that it's all in my head, and that nothing can change that. I can't get my tulpa out for the life of me, and that's fine. It's not supposed to be that way for me. Instead, I can speak with myself in my purest form. No evil witch Vespera, no samurai Crownadir, no gunner bunny Skashi, no more. They're all there, but it's me I'm looking at. I can see it in her face, her eyes, her expression. I can see me, with all of the femininity I cherished in others.

 

There's something freeing about admitting it, to be honest. I hated the thought of it so bad, because that meant admitting it was all beyond my grasp. I have to admit that the game does have a limit, and I've reached it. I can't go any further into the impossible than I am now, which isn't even that far from where I started. However, saying it is almost like magic in itself. I can't see them, I can't hear them, I can't feel them. I can, however, hear my own voice in my head when I think. I can hear these words I'm typing being read out as my fingers touch the keys. I can feel my muscle twitch when someone tells me they were cut there or bruised there. I can't see some overlaid HUD, but I can see the object I'm holding and build my cognitive map in my head. I admit that it's never real, because the daydreams and internal monologues became dialogues and plans of action.

 

I'm not saying you have to admit it yourself. If you somehow achieved physicality and you can do what I haven't, congratulations! You found Shangri-La.

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I can't tell if you're actually not as satisfied as you wanted to be, or if you're just maintaining a "This isn't necessarily a purely positive thing" perspective because of the audience, but if you've actually done what you say you have then I offer you congratulations. Learning to love yourself is hard. You have to realize that everything your tulpas can represent is something you can, too. A very large amount of people create their tulpas embodying traits and such that they idolize, which they may or may not wish they could embody themselves. Whether or not that's a "bad thing" or undesirable is up to the individual, though. If you think your primary interest in your tulpas is them representing things you idolize, I guess learning to see those things in yourself (and preferably symbolically merging with them rather than dissipating) might be preferable. Sounds like it was for you.

 

For me though, the things my tulpas represent and that I idolize to varying extents aren't things I want to embody. They're moreso things I see as beautiful, the type of feeling where you want to protect, share, or just be around that beauty. That's how I feel towards the traits of my tulpas that I really like, idolize might be a strong word. Reisen's unconditional love and caring for people, Flandre's warmth of love, Tewi's steadfast loyalty to those she cares about and her serious determination/motivation (something I severely lack, there), and Lucilyn's love and appreciation for life and fun. Of course I don't mind learning from them on how to embody some of those traits myself moreso, particularly Lucilyn's helped me have a more lighthearted approach to things recently. But that's not my goal by any means. That's simply how they are and I appreciate those things about them, but I don't necessarily strive to embody those things myself. Though I do feel like a better person overall if I can express those things I appreciate so much, that's more of a social thing, not a fulfillment one.

 

The difference between us is that that's not all my tulpas are to me. My tulpas are above all else people, whom I love. It's much easier to think of outstanding traits that Reisen or Lucilyn represent than Flandre, for example, and yet Flandre and I have the closest emotional relationship in a way. Not that we don't share our feelings with each other regardless, we all love each other dearly, but Flandre is certainly the most likely to sleep imposed by me. Because her worth to me isn't whether she's an amazing person who spreads love and happiness everywhere she goes or not. Something I sincerely idolize for sure, but not what makes my tulpas important to me. They're family, people who I greatly enjoy sharing my life experience with. Even if I "learned" to see everything positive about their characteristics in myself (which realistically I already do, as I know everything I see in them is literally inside me, but - even if I came to represent those things to others), I would miss them. Of course there are things I idolize about them, there are for anyone that you love. Because you learn to see all the good in someone when you love them. But what's most important to me about them is that they're people, whom I share my life with. You could say the parts of their characters (as in their traits, not the Touhous) I idolize are a bonus, if I didn't have a decently large part in creating them with those in the first place. Which I guess I unconsciously did, I wouldn't say I wasn't responsible for the first threes' creations but they were definitely all unintentional. But yeah, you could call those things a "bonus", in addition to my just plain loving them as people, as family.

 

But again, it really depends on the individual how you feel about this. Certainly a great many people have tulpas, or imaginary friends, or otherwise whom they simply idolize for representing things they.. idolize. But whether or not that's how our love started, what matters to me now (and has always as far as I'm concerned) is that I love them. I don't want to be any of them; in fact, Reisen's positivity made zero sense to me at first. I loved her, even though I considered what I now "idolize" about her rather naive. Had I not loved her, anyone representing that unconditional caring for others would've been marked simply ignorant in my mind. Yeah, wasn't in such a good place back then. Luckily she was an incredibly positive influence over the years. That's not something I really asked for, but I'm not against being more like her obviously.

 

Then again, there's some deep philosophy/spirituality stuff about oneness and how things/people you love are things you want to become one with or recognize your "true nature" in. So I guess if you believe in that sort of stuff then I can only even love my tulpas because I want to be (like?) them on a spiritual level. But then, if you hold those sorts of spiritual beliefs, you shouldn't be so petty as to look down upon those enjoying their life experience in a positive manner. In my opinion. Life's there to be enjoyed, it's not necessary we reach a level of understanding of all things achievable only by (a) God. I feel like that's actually the exact opposite point of life itself from most spiritual perspectives. Except... Christian ones... and trying to represent Godliness... Hmm.

 

Anyways, the point is the truest undebatable goal of any human is to find fulfillment. How much fulfillment is up to the individual; you could be satisfied by deciding there is no point to life at all. That pretty much worked for me, and then thanks to Reisen and my tulpas I realized I was free to make the best of the time I had because why not. If feeling good makes you feel good then there's no reason not to strive for more of that yeah? However works for you. Sharing your life with tulpas who are just a part of you, or with another human(s), or by learning to love yourself. Which is just the term I'm most used to for coming to see yourself as complete without striving for outside sources to make you "whole".


Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.

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Well, I had a long reply planned, but my phone doesn't want to work with me today. Suffice it to say I envy you for your conviction and sight. I managed to tell myself I love myself, and stop using names for it. Now, I talk and answer my own questions, and it's harder to tell if it's the inside or outside voice doing it. Maybe I'll grow from this.

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It's been 2 years since I wrote that response. I figured I'd come back and read it and then ask for all of my logs to be deleted, but just reading a few posts reminded me of why I did this in the first place. 

 

I wasn't hurting then, I don't think. When I began, I saw a post about it and decided to try it. Who doesn't love experimentation with no drawbacks? Free, potentially mind altering, and secret- it was like a trap laid just for me. I started and went everywhere from the comfort of my living room armchair. Since then, I've been through a lot with and without tulpas, without my girls. 

 

Now, it's just one. I 'realized' it again at some point, without a mirror or a thought about myself. I ask the questions, she answers back. She's like a little stain in my head, and just as stubborn to remove. I stopped trying. She's rude, inconsistent, and invasive with the questions, just like Ves was. She tends to needle in when I'm deciding something I consider important, like relationship advice or financial issues. It's not always the greatest question or the most cooperative answer, but that's built into the design after so long of vilifying Vespera when I first began forging. 

 

It's neat now. She floats around, like smoke, and if I'm too stressed about a situation, we like to join up. I'll tug my neckline and she'll 'become' a scarf, and the thought of having someone with me is calming. She doesn't speak much then, nor does she at any other point unless it's urgent. If anything, I'm still afraid of parroting, just like back then, but I'm always sure I'm not. For some reason, the stronger I got doing manual labor and the more rooted I became in my identity, the more she became her. I am a stone, I tell myself, and she's smoke. 

 

Whenever I think about tulpas or get alone time to think, she helps a bit. She reminds me of what's truly important to me, like writing or what checkpoint I wanted to hit in whatever game I'm playing. She smiles a lot, and not cruelly, but knowingly. It's like she's having fun manipulating me into surviving. She was there through some depression, and for the high points lately, too.

 

She can see me writing, but won't say much about it. Nothing bothers the smoke, because she's put it behind her, in front of it, all around her. She surrounds the problems and views them from every angle, only stopping to check that I'm caught up with my pea brain ideas. She's more of a conceptual entity than an actual tulpa to force, and it's pretty natural now. I don't think tulpas really leave once you open the door. The routine is too easy to start.

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