Phenom and Fiora :: Progress Report

[Guest]

Her voice may 'borrow' your inner voice, also it may just come across as 'stray thoughts'. Ask a question to her, like multiple choics, and try to anticipate her answer. It may come through as pure thought, and so subtle that you miss it. Eventually her voice will be clear and distinct, but at this point even a positive or negative 'feeling' is the goal.

[Phenom]

Ah okay, yeah in the dream it was a female voice but when it happened 3 weeks ago it sounded similar to my inner voice, if I remember correctly.

 

And... okay, I think I might be focusing too much on hearing a real word again (trying to reproduce that success), I'll try to also see if I can make her answer multiple choice questions while also paying attention to any "feeling" that might be her answer.

[Guest]

Good luck!

[Phenom]

I may or may not have heard Fiora (I don't assume one way or the other). Near the end of a 3 hours forcing session, I decided to try more actively to get her to talk, so I asked her to just say something random, and the very second I said that, the word eggplant* came to mind, but I have no idea if it was just a stray thought. There was almost no time at all between the question and that random word (giving that detail in case someone knows if that's more a sign of stray thought or not, but maybe the time-frame it happened doesn't mean anything.)

 

*Note: the word was actually "aubergine", French for eggplant. (That detail is more for myself, for when I reread one day, I wanna know what she may have said).

 

Either it was her or not, it made me think about why exactly I was so sure it was her 3 weeks ago and not a stray thought, and I think I may have an answer. 3 weeks ago, I was talking to her about something and she said hello randomly during my monologue (well, between two sentences I was taking small poses, she took that time to talk), so I wasn't even expecting her to talk, took me by complete surprise. Comparatively, this time I was asking her to say something random, so I was not only expecting to hear something, but was expecting a random word, which is what happened. That could be why this time it felt like a stray thought, and I dismissed it at first, but after a couple seconds I thought about the possibility of it actually being her. And then realized that I did dismiss another stray thought a bit earlier ( I forgot what).

 

So now I'm trying to come up with a plan of action knowing that. Tomorrow, I'm gonna ask Fiora to talk to me whenever I'm right in the middle of a rant or story or whatever I'll be telling her about. Like, if I've been talking to her for so long that I don't even remember that I asked her this (or at least, I'm not thinking about it anymore), then I should know for sure it's her, and when this happens, instead of freaking out and think about how awesome it is, I'll try to see if I can make conversation with her, or at least see how far it can go... or something.

[Guest]

Sounds like you need to start assuming it's her, at least with the notion that it's more likely her than a stray thought. They do come up, even with us, but it's less than 10% of the time on average on a bad day.

[Phenom]

I still force between 3 to 5 hours a day (some days a bit more, some days a bit less than that). I dunno if I upset Fiora the other day when I didn't believe it was her, but since then I've read a lot about tulpish and should be more prepared if it happens again, but so far since last time I don't get hear "stray thoughts" either. Well, still true but would be more representative of the 21st to 23rd; forcing a lot, feeling her as usual, but no "response" either in mindvoice or tulpish that I could notice.

 

Then came the 24th, a special day: her 5th birthday. I had promised that I'd dedicate the day to her, and I did. However, to my dismay, somehow I barely felt her presence anymore. Forced for about 3 hours in the afternoon, and then for about 5 hours in the evening. At some points during the day I wasn't feeling her at all and felt like I was talking to myself, but I continued anyway since I read before that's the best thing to do when it happens. At the end of the day, I thought "too bad it happened on her birthday", as I also read it's normal to have some "bad connection days" like that sometimes.

 

And then on the 25th, it was even worse. Couldn't feel her all afternoon even though I was talking to her and trying my best. And then, same thing in the evening... until late in the evening when at some point I FINALLY started feeling her again (and not just vaguely) and at that point I started crying. I realized just how much I feared losing her for good. I got used to her presence and it felt terrible to be alone again. It was the first time I lost contact with her for so long since I started tulpamancy again. Even if she's not vocal yet she means so much to me. And I can't wait for us to progress.

 

For the rest of the evening yesterday, and today, I can talk to her while feeling her presence, and even if no new response from her, I realise now that I was getting way too impatient about us making progress. It's been only 1 month since I started forcing her again (well, tomorrow it will be 1 month). Gotta be patient and just enjoy my time with her, and I'll try to not feel so desperate if I ever lose contact with her for some time (even if it won't be easy). I started reading the "Blayze and Kyoko" progress report, and it's really a good idea to compare and see others also lived similar struggles but continued on, good inspiration. Will probably read others too once I finish reading that one (pretty long read, especially since I'm a very slow reader).

 

I also started reading or re-reading some guides. That's about all for now, I'll force some more later this evening.

---

There's one more detail that I just remembered. Or tried to forget, but I guess I should just spill the beans and say it. On the night between the 23rd and 24th (or I guess I should say, on the morning of the 24th since we dream mostly before waking up). It's actually hard to talk about since it's embarrassing. And just decided to spare the details as I'm typing this, but had a naughty dream where Fiora did something sexual to me. It wasn't a Lucid Dream or anything, so I shouldn't feel guilty about some random dream I didn't have any control on. But yeah, I woke up to that on her birthday. Probably just a coincidence, but it happened on the same day I started to lose contact for almost two days so I thought I should probably write it down here since I remembered that detail, in case anyone has an opinion on the matter: should I just brush it off as a random event I shouldn't think about too much? (Still, it made me feel awkward when I tried to talk to her in the morning so it might have affected her one way or another).

[Guest]

These dreams are bound to happen, it's nothing to be embarrassed about in my opinion.

 

If you can visualize her, you can try to have her move on her own in response to questions. Yes/no may be possible that way.

[Phenom]

I've always had a really hard time with visualization, but I've been trying to practice once in a while, especially in the last week. I still only see short glimpses of her when I try. But having another way of communication with her before she becomes vocal is enthralling so I'll try harder to practice it more. Is there one guide in particular you would recommend? (though I guess I should try ALL of them, lol)

 

EDIT: I just saw the visualization link in your signature. ;o

[Guest]

Even if it's just finger motion or say a square vs a circle she could hold up.

[Phenom]

She's still far from being able to do that (or maybe I should say I'm far from being able to see that). I opened about a dozen visualization guides, and in the coming weeks I'm gonna read and experiment to see what works or doesn't work for me..

 

I fundamentally don't understand how it's supposed to work. Let's say with practice I can visualize her form in my mindeye (for more than just a glimpse); just because the thing I visualize is what she looks like, it somehow gives her the power to eventually start moving it? Or maybe if I become able to visualize her form, then she can learn it too, and at a certain moment I don't have to visualize anything anymore myself (I don't have to try or do anything) because she's the one that does all the visualization and thus can move it and change the form? Or does it stay a teamwork (I visualize the form and she moves it). But since she's supposed to be able to change the form, then I guess that eliminates the teamwork hypothesis. (Then my guess is that she will learn visualize and move her form all by herself if I learn it? And at that point, she's the one doing everything?) (Sorry about the mess this paragraph is..)