Progress Report on my Tulpa, Kayla

[Guest]

Wednesday, November 5th, 2014

 

I have talked to Kayla various times throughout the day-- I especially apologized for yesterday's incident, and told her I wouldn't give up on her, regardless of what might happen, and what will happen. Even if it takes me another year, I will keep working on her. I only hope she hears me and takes what I say to her to heart.

 

I am going to do forcing soon-- I am going to try and put a bit more time into it tonight-- I am hoping it will go well. Also, I've noticed something-- whenever I listen to certain bands and songs, such as Nirvana(especially In Bloom, Heart-Shaped Box, and Come As You Are), I am able to think of her a bit more clearly, and seem slightly happier. I wonder if my mind is just making me think of her more, of if, herself, likes this type of music. Any ideas on that?

 

I prepared myself in bed, as I made a playlist or Nirvana, System of a Down, and some other bands, and I began to force, I talked on and on about how I wouldn't quit on Kayla, and how I was determined, now, more than ever, to work on here, and that I would not quit, regardless of circumstances. I spent a moment going over personality. I did all the traits the first time, and then the second time around, the trait creative just popped up in my mental list-- so, that, possibly, may be a trait of Kayla's personality-- it did come after I reminded her that she was free to tweak her personality and add onto it. And then I tried visualizing her, with seemingly more ease than prior times(still not vivid, but it just feels easier). I rambled onward for a while, until my body began to feel asleep, but my mind stayed awake, and I felt at peace. Strangely, the bicep muscle in my right arm began to hurt, as if there were razors going through it, but it was also strangely euphoric. Finally, my alarm went off, and I stopped for the moment. So, as of now, tonight, so far, I've done about 20 minutes of forcing with Kayla.

---

Also, on another front, I've found good pictures that are helping me along with Kayla's visualization-- I found, basically, what she looks like. Her visual form is based off of Setsumi, from the game Narcissu--

 

http://static.zerochan.net/Setsumi.full.293876.jpg

http://e-shuushuu.net/images/2009-07-26-182087.jpeg

http://static.zerochan.net/Setsumi.full.295393.jpg

 

I hope this not only helps me understand her visual form more, but also any others who may(or may not) have been curious.

[Guest]

Thursday, November 6th, 2014

 

Today began as normal-- wakeup, write K on my hand, shower, go to school, and talk to Kayla. I primarily conversed with her during my 4th and 5th periods, before I went home(no college for my today nor tomorrow). That was about normal.

 

When I got home, I sat down, and prepared myself-- I put on my playlist, I put my timer on for about an hour, and began to just talk to her-- I began with conversations going over my various school periods and how the day went, and generally just ranted to Kayla-- though, sadly, I did feel myself slipping into slip, only awake just by a sliver(and that was only because I began to feel the need to urinate). So, I made it to the 20 minute mark, and had to stop-- I am going to try and continue later and finish up the rest of the 40 minutes.

 

I am considering bumping up my daily minimum from 10 minutes to 20 minutes at this point.

 

I am considering making inquiries, specific notes, and questions in blue from now on, as to drawn attention to them.

 

I also have an inquiry-- does anyone have any advice or ideas on how to keep myself awake when active forcing for long periods of time?

[Luminesce]

I'm having that problem myself because I'm friggin' lazy, my tulpas hardly need to tell me what I'm doing wrong because I already know.

 

Don't lie down, and especially not in your bed if you do. If you want to lie down, do it in a separate position or place than you normally sleep in. Otherwise, sitting in your preferred position (there's several suggested for meditation that work well) works much better than lying down as if going to sleep. Personally I'm not comfortable crossing my legs or anything like that, so I just sit in my chair with my head resting on my desk, or lie down on my back in bed (it's proven literally impossible for me to fall asleep while on my back. The biggest offender is rolling over..). The other big one is trying to force right before going to bed, which I do way too often. Anyway, definitely position.

 

To expand on one of those though - the place in which you do it. It's common practice in meditation and some other things to use a specific area for doing this, because if you use your bed your mind is inclined to sleep. (I've actually found I can lie down on my bed backwards, head where my feet would be, and that "area" isn't associated with sleep.) More important, if you have say, a comfortable chair or space you don't use for anything else but meditating or forcing, whenever you go there your brain will more easily transition into that mindset.

The best example I can think of is papasan chairs. Those things are like perfect for relaxing-without-sleeping.

[Guest]

I'm having that problem myself because I'm friggin' lazy, my tulpas hardly need to tell me what I'm doing wrong because I already know.

 

Don't lie down, and especially not in your bed if you do. If you want to lie down, do it in a separate position or place than you normally sleep in. Otherwise, sitting in your preferred position (there's several suggested for meditation that work well) works much better than lying down as if going to sleep. Personally I'm not comfortable crossing my legs or anything like that, so I just sit in my chair with my head resting on my desk, or lie down on my back in bed (it's proven literally impossible for me to fall asleep while on my back. The biggest offender is rolling over..). The other big one is trying to force right before going to bed, which I do way too often. Anyway, definitely position.

 

To expand on one of those though - the place in which you do it. It's common practice in meditation and some other things to use a specific area for doing this, because if you use your bed your mind is inclined to sleep. (I've actually found I can lie down on my bed backwards, head where my feet would be, and that "area" isn't associated with sleep.) More important, if you have say, a comfortable chair or space you don't use for anything else but meditating or forcing, whenever you go there your brain will more easily transition into that mindset.

The best example I can think of is papasan chairs. Those things are like perfect for relaxing-without-sleeping.

 

Some here-- I am rather lazy as well. I can identify with you there.

 

That does make sense-- I am used to sleeping in the couch in the back room, so it made sense, to me, to force in there-- though, upon further inspection, with the knowledge you have bestowed upon me, it does also make sense to avoid lying down as I did on the couch to force. I may consider forcing lying with my head where my feet usually go-- I am rather curious, honestly, to see the difference it makes. I do wish lying on my back kept my up, but I almost always fall asleep on my back, and I can't lie on my sides for long periods of time.

 

Likely, though, I will have to end up sitting up in the end. I don't necessarily look forward to it, but it is probably the best available option for me and forcing. Thanks, though-- I am going to try to find an area designated for forcing and meditating(I may even use it to slip into sleep paralysis one day).

[Guest]

Friday, November 7th, 2014

The day went well-- it is very well possible that Kayla and I spoke for the first time-- though, not 100% sure. I got home from school, and tried to do 20 minutes of active forcing, but was too tired, and fell asleep. As soon as I got up, I got to it, and took to active forcing-- I set on my playlist, and spent 20 minutes active forcing. Near the end, I don't remember 100% how it all went down, but I began to do what felt like talking to myself in my mind voice. The responses didn't feel 100% like I was generating them, but there was still that hint of doubt that I tried to ignore-- though, that is easier said than done. Kayla might have possibly talked to me, but I am not entirely sure-- I did say to say something to surprise me, and my mind voice said, "apple pie" (one of the things Kayla seems like a lot are various different foods). I didn't expect it, but it still had a slight undertone, a feeling that I made her do it.

 

So, what does everyone think of it?

[Cinemaphobe]

As Reisen told me, you both share the same brain, so it's going to feel like you made her do it at first.

[Luminesce]

Though working on your auditory hallucinating of your tulpa's voices, which I've done ~not at all, is a thing, mainly your tulpa's "voice" is composed of their personality, image, inflections, and feelings attached to what they say in your mind. Even though their words will sound like your thoughts at first, you should be able to tell apart those things - what she says won't be like what you'd say. And there is no such thing as "What if I'm just thinking things that Yumi would say?" That.. would be her talking. When she talks, you should be able to feel the thoughts were shaped by her, and they should resonate as "her words". Actual auditory voice will probably be fairly vague until you force it for a while. Reisen, Tewi and Flan all have personality and a bit of age showing in their voices, but if I pay attention they do change slightly over time (or in different moods, or on different subjects).

 

Really I don't worry about it so much. What matters to me is that I can feel them when they speak, not what they say or how they sound. Not anymore at least. Like I've said before, for the first 1-2 years of Reisen's existence she was nearly incapable of speech because I had impossibly high standards of what she'd say, being perfect and all. It wasn't until I learned to stop worrying about what she would say that she could say anything at all.

 

Yeah, that.

[Cinemaphobe]

Lol Reisen

[Guest]

Alright-- thanks. I'll have to consider that all for the next time I get around to forcing which, hopefully, should be tonight. Though, it may be a bit delayed, seeing as how my stepbrother is over, so my usual forcing spot is not open-- I will have to look for another one.

 

Next chance I get, I will try to describe the way I hear her better, and I will get around to trying to make some good progress.

[Guest]

Saturday, November 8th, 2014

 

I woke up today, feeling rather grungy and unclean. I know that I was going to have to take a shower, but also made some food for myself and played Oblivion for a while. I decided that I was, in fact, going to force with Kayla, and I needed another spot to do it, as one of my stepbrothers was over this weekend, so my usual spot was taken.

 

So, I decided to try forcing in the shower, and it worked rather well-- I felt like I could concentrate well once I had stood there and let the water run over me, and it felt very natural-- the only problem is that my spine begins to ache after standing for long periods of time, but I am sure that will fix itself over time.

 

Kayla didn't talk to me today, but I still felt interesting-- almost 20 minutes into the session, I had this sudden feeling-- it wasn't an overwhelming emotion, but a buried, almost hidden desire. I began thinking, and I suddenly though to myself that I was, in fact, after everything that has happened, born-- I usually find myself wishing my mother had aborted me, like she originally planned, but not today; I looked back, and despite the hardships I've endured, I realized that life is something I am truly glad I had bestowed upon me-- for, filtering past the bad memories, there were also several splendid memories lying in the back, yearning to be remembered-- and there are certain people, ideas, and reasons I wish to continue living, and those were all resurfaced today. In the end, though, it all ended with Kayla-- I found that, beside from the usual emotional outburst, she has made my life seem better so far, despite the lack of general communication.

 

So, I must also say, I am glad I found this forum and signed up and posted, despite my social anxiety(I often cannot bring myself to talk to others even on the internet, and I consider every website I sign up on and use another milestone). I am glad I managed to meet the people on here that I have, and talk with you all, discuss ideas with you all, and recieve advice on you all.

 

So, as to Amber, Cinemaphobe, Reisen, DKfury, Lilywolfy, and any others I've met and talked to since learning of the Tulpa phenomena and signing up here, including Kayla, I thank you all.