Progress Report on my Tulpa, Kayla

[Cinemaphobe]

Saturday, November 8th, 2014

 

I woke up today, feeling rather grungy and unclean. I know that I was going to have to take a shower, but also made some food for myself and played Oblivion for a while.

 

OBLIVION IS GLORIOUS. AND SO IS SKYRIM.

 

-- the only problem is that my spine begins to ache after standing for long periods of time, but I am sure that will fix itself over time.

 

Yeah my spine is the same way, and I used to play the standing bass for a high school orchestra. So I can relate when it comes to that.

 

Kayla didn't talk to me today, but I still felt interesting-- almost 20 minutes into the session, I had this sudden feeling-- it wasn't an overwhelming emotion, but a buried, almost hidden desire. I began thinking, and I suddenly though to myself that I was, in fact, after everything that has happened, born-- I usually find myself wishing my mother had aborted me, like she originally planned, but not today; I looked back, and despite the hardships I've endured, I realized that life is something I am truly glad I had bestowed upon me-- for, filtering past the bad memories, there were also several splendid memories lying in the back, yearning to be remembered-- and there are certain people, ideas, and reasons I wish to continue living, and those were all resurfaced today. In the end, though, it all ended with Kayla-- I found that, beside from the usual emotional outburst, she has made my life seem better so far, despite the lack of general communication.

 

It's amazing how a tulpa's presence alone can be therapeutic. And I think that life is always better than death because having a horrible life with at least one good memory is better than having no life at all. It's rare to have a life that is completely devoid of happiness, because there'll always be that one happy memory. That one happy memory can be the diamond in the rough that made life worth living.

 

So, I must also say, I am glad I found this forum and signed up and posted, despite my social anxiety(I often cannot bring myself to talk to others even on the internet, and I consider every website I sign up on and use another milestone). I am glad I managed to meet the people on here that I have, and talk with you all, discuss ideas with you all, and recieve advice on you all.

 

About your social anxiety, it'll probably end or get better within a few years. After all, you are 16, and when I was 16 I thought that I was going to be a Navy Seal. 3 years later I absolutely hated the U.S military, and I made a tulpa lol. All of your views about life will make the greatest changes within the ages of 16-18, so the person whom you become years from now might be a person you don't recognize. But either way, you'll only improve and whatever storm you are experiencing will pass. Sometimes life can place you inside of a dark tunnel for so long that you forget you are in a dark tunnel, but never forget that there is a bright end to it that you'll either have to fight for, or wait for.

 

So, as to Amber, Cinemaphobe, Reisen, DKfury, Lilywolfy, and any others I've met and talked to since learning of the Tulpa phenomena and signing up here, including Kayla, I thank you all.

 

D'awwwwwwwww thanks:) I feel too honored lol. I really love everyone I have met on this forum because they are all pretty kind and...interesting lol

[Guest]

 

OBLIVION IS GLORIOUS. AND SO IS SKYRIM.

 

 

Yeah my spine is the same way, and I used to play the standing bass for a high school orchestra. So I can relate when it comes to that.

 

 

It's amazing how a tulpa's presence alone can be therapeutic. And I think that life is always better than death because having a horrible life with at least one good memory is better than having no life at all. It's rare to have a life that is completely devoid of happiness, because there'll always be that one happy memory. That one happy memory can be the diamond in the rough that made life worth living.

 

 

About your social anxiety, it'll probably end or get better within a few years. After all, you are 16, and when I was 16 I thought that I was going to be a Navy Seal. 3 years later I absolutely hated the U.S military, and I made a tulpa lol. All of your views about life will make the greatest changes within the ages of 16-18, so the person whom you become years from now might be a person you don't recognize. But either way, you'll only improve and whatever storm you are experiencing will pass. Sometimes life can place you inside of a dark tunnel for so long that you forget you are in a dark tunnel, but never forget that there is a bright end to it that you'll either have to fight for, or wait for.

 

 

D'awwwwwwwww thanks:) I feel too honored lol. I really love everyone I have met on this forum because they are all pretty kind and...interesting lol

 

Danke for the advice-- and I enjoy Oblivion and Skyrim, but I seemed to have enjoyed Oblivion more-- but, of course, my favorite Bethesda game is likely Fallout 3. As far as Fallout games go, I love Fallout 1, 2, and 3, as well as New Vegas for that matter. And ouch on the bass.

 

Thanks for the advice and commentary-- I would have responded earlier, but I've had internet issues for the past little while, and I can just now get back on.

 

I shall catch up on your PR soon and try to make a comment.

 

Now, for the moment--

Sunday, November 8th, 2014

 

As for this day, my step brother had, once again, stayed the night-- so, I decided to force in the shower once more. That is, also, likely what I will do tonight, as I am starting to think I feel the best forcing in the shower. I feel very clear, and relaxed, and able to talk to her well. I talked to her about virtually nothing, but, hey, it was fine-- I didn't mind doing it, and it felt like a good night.

[Zyangur]

Oh I also force in the shower especially because i shower in the mornings and it's one of those times where my family isn't making a lot of noise. I just wish I had a way to sit down but not freeze because standing gets tiring after a little while.

[Guest]

Oh I also force in the shower especially because i shower in the mornings and it's one of those times where my family isn't making a lot of noise. I just wish I had a way to sit down but not freeze because standing gets tiring after a little while.

 

Yea-- that is understandable; and sorry. I usually stand over water that is hot enough to hurt my skin(I've gotten used to it) and, when I am tired of standing, I plug the drain up and sit down with my back to the end of the tub as it fills up. Besides the standing issue, though, it really seems like forcing while showering is really advantageous.

 

Thursday, November 13th, 2014

 

So, I felt rather bad as I hadn't sat down and actually done active forcing for any time in the past 3 days. Finally, feeling really bad for Kayla, as I felt like I wasn't giving her enough attention, I finally got over my laziness, and went to take a shower and force. It began well-- I made sure I was ready, and got everything set up. And, as I went through my day, talking to her, I was rather sad for the first 10 minutes or so. However, for the last 10 minutes, after the song that reminds me of her the most(In Bloom, by Nirvana), I felt a lot more calm and at peace-- and following that was another Nirvana song(Smells like Teen Spirit). I knew that, in the playlist, that signaled 20 minutes-- so, for today, my forcing session is over. I would say it was a positive one.

[Guest]

Sorry for the recent disappearance; I had a lot of trouble in person with reletives with no home coming over and staying the night(and ruining my sleep schedule), school, and internet issues. Though, I should be back for a while now. I am sad to report that, amidst all of the chaos, I've had little to no time to force with Kayla; the most recent time I had was 20 minutes ago in the shower, and it had to be a short session. I am actually a bit worried that the lack of active attention may have harmed her-- I acknowledged her every day-- I just hope that was enough.

[Guest]

Monday, December 5th, 2014

 

First day back to forcing after such a long and unfortunate series of events, and it was a rather good session. It went very well, and it went on for about 20 minutes-- I started off apologizing to Kayla about the long time between the last forcing session, and I hoped I hadn't spent too long without a focus of attention on her; and it eventually evolved into a session of me sleepily talking to her about nothing, basically.

 

Also, just a general question, since I missed it-- does anyone know exactly what happened to Cinemaphobe?

[Luminesce]

He got mad that a GAT member said he didn't want to read his submission because of the formatting. He took that as if the entire GAT team just decided not to review his guide because they didn't feel like it, when in actuality said member did actually read it, was just stating their distaste. Was quoted out of context before that member could actually reply themselves, so a nice little misconception happened and he left before it could be solved.

 

Also https://community.tulpa.info/thread-amber-and-toby-s-magical-playhouse?pid=116304#pid116304

 

I'm still here though. Busy as ever, but not leaving. I can't be bothered to reply to every new post with old questions that've been answered a hundred times (kudos to you troopers that do), but I still post whenever I feel my specific answer could help. For example...

[Guest]

 

Also https://community.tulpa.info/thread-amber-and-toby-s-magical-playhouse?pid=116304#pid116304

 

I'm still here though. Busy as ever, but not leaving. I can't be bothered to reply to every new post with old questions that've been answered a hundred times (kudos to you troopers that do), but I still post whenever I feel my specific answer could help. For example...

 

 

Thank you, and that's good-- it is good to see that the other people I got to know first when I signed up aren't leaving. And I am sorry for asking the question-- I had no clue what had happened, due to internet and family issues while I was gone, but I also thank you for the answer, as well as the others who have answered me some other way.

 

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2014

 

I woke up completely sick and awful this morning, and I suffered through an excruciating nightmare last night that seemed to drag on forever. When I woke up, I went to use the bathroom, and decided to take a shower afterwards, and decided to force with Kayla. And, as of yet, it's been my longest forcing session, clocking in at about 25 minutes-- and while a 5 minute gain might not seem like much, it feels like a lot.

 

And, a thing to note is that, during the session, I was idly rambling on to Kayla, and I just randomly said, "So, I know I haven't done too much forcing with you lately, and I am sorry about that, but I am certain you've still been there, as I haven't gone a day without acknowledging you. So, how have you felt?"

 

And the only response, which came a moment later, was a solemn, "Cold." This felt a bit disturbing, as I have no idea in what context she meant it, and I got no responses after that-- not one complete response that I can remember after she said she had felt cold. I rather bad, as well, as it made me feel that I had neglected her, and I know that I need to increase forcing sessions with her.

[Luminesce]

My tulpas and I have a very good understanding of their existence, which they're even more accepting of than I am. Even so, it bothers me a bit knowing they're completely inactive much of the time, essentially not existing. They simply know that as how it is and say it's up to me if I want to change it, but it is a bit unsettling. They rely on me so much, and my issues with motivation seem almost threatening when they affect those I love.

 

Anyway, no harm comes to your tulpa from lack of attention, just possibly regret of "wasting time". I do encourage you to encourage yourself to stay motivated. Remind your brain what's important to you and that it needs to acknowledge those values, not sit complacently wasting potential.

[Guest]

My tulpas and I have a very good understanding of their existence, which they're even more accepting of than I am. Even so, it bothers me a bit knowing they're completely inactive much of the time, essentially not existing. They simply know that as how it is and say it's up to me if I want to change it, but it is a bit unsettling. They rely on me so much, and my issues with motivation seem almost threatening when they affect those I love.

 

Anyway, no harm comes to your tulpa from lack of attention, just possibly regret of "wasting time". I do encourage you to encourage yourself to stay motivated. Remind your brain what's important to you and that it needs to acknowledge those values, not sit complacently wasting potential.

 

Interesting-- and I can see your point; it is kind of sad that they are that inactive, and their response definitely wouldn't seem to calm your nerves about the situation. I am sure, though, that the situation can be eventually resolved.

 

Alright-- and thank you; I am trying better now to stay motivated, and after today's session, which is detailed more below, I definitely feel more invigorated to keep going. I am going to do the best I can to keep working with Kayla, and I definitely will try my best to stop wasting time and potential.

 

Saturday, December 6th, 2014

 

I decided that I needed to force with Kayla, as I hadn't gotten to, what with doing my finals and all of that-- not that that is even a good excuse. Though, I took another shower, but ended up forcing for 30 minutes this time. Half-way, I started feeling strange-- I normally take a shower where the water is hot enough to make my skin red and hurt it, but I enjoyed how it felt during the time-- that is how I've done it for the past few years. However, it got way to hot for me this time, and I had to turn it down to a much cooler temperature, and it suddenly became a lot more comfortable. Now, this may not seem too important, but in my mind, I suddenly jumped to to the conclusion that it was rather symbolic-- for the past few years, I've only ever been able to truly show my emotions whenever I was in harm, distress, or pain, which I often brought upon my safe-- and though I knew it would hurt in the end, I did it. However, now I am starting to discover myself more, and now I am learning to try and be less self-destructive. I might be looking too deep into it, but that is just what I concluded-- and, strangely, I swear I heard Kayla say, right after that, "Of course; everything is symbolic in nature." I am not sure what to think of that statement, but it certainly excited me that I think she said it, and it caught me off guard-- I'll have to keep a lookout for her in the future.

 

I've also noticed that I have taken on some of traits-- especially the desire to help others, and I've learned that I feel good when I make others feel better/good. In the past day, I've managed to talk a friend of mine out of suicide(it wasn't too hard; she probably wasn't going to do it, she just needed someone to talk to), and I've been talking with an old friend of mine who is very depressed and tends to perform self-harm; and though I haven't solved anything, I think she feels a bit better talking to me; at least, I hope she does.

 

I've decided that I need to work more on visualization with Kayla. Though, that definitely isn't my strong point-- I need to work on improving the clarity of my mind's eye and my ability to visualize, mentally.