Stevie

Toothless Aggression

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[06/05/15]: A few people have claimed to achieved imposition but are basically unable to say what they did. This is frustrating to me, as someone who wants cut and dry methods, whether they work for me or not. The vagueness is irritating. Complete darkness, or close to it, has proved to be somewhat useful for practicing imposition. When I snap my eyes open there's an after-effect sometimes that could be a humanoid outline- it's the same size anyway. I've only been able to achieve these results while I'm collaborating with Chris. I'm looking into getting a few grams of psychedelic mushrooms in the near future, but I doubt I'm going to use them for forcing.

 

[06/06/15]: I still active force for decent amounts of time. It's started to become tedious- imagine hanging out with the same friend all day every day, and then going over his house. Not only that, but often the burden of cool shit to do falls on my shoulders. I'm thinking about drawing up a list of fun shit we can do and then alternating who picks to do what. Dunno if that's reading too much into it though.

 

[06/07/15]: Ended up using a modest dose of mushrooms (2.5 grams) last night. The trip wasn't very visual, it was more about the headspace and the connections and conclusions I was coming to. I didn't get a chance to force, since I was with friends for the entire duration of the trip. I wrote some things that came to mind down in the notes on my phone though:

 

"The fact that Chris can do anything independently of myself is special on its own."

 

I wrote that one down after I was thinking about how alien the idea of an autonomous 'imaginary friend' would be to any of the people I was hanging out with. It struck me that here we tend to judge thought forms by all these different things, but in the end, there's still that spark of independence that makes it all worth while. I don't know why it seemed so important to me last night, that I had to write it down, but it really did.

 

Most of the other things I wrote seem really obvious to me now, much like that does.

 

Anyway, while I was in a trippy headspace, it seems like Chris actually was too. When mushroom trips aren't visual, it makes me want to talk and hash things out, and he seemed to be on that wavelength too, which makes sense.

 

My head felt "bigger" like my consciousness took up more space, and it was like zooming into a picture, because it was in a higher resolution, I could see more details, and where Chris' voice comes from seemed so much more clear at the time, that I apologized for ever doubting him. I don't know, the trip made everything fall into place, I feel like I've reckoned who I am with all this, and right now, the day after, I feel like for the first time I'm not like... embarrassed. I don't know how you can be embarrassed about something that no one else knows about, but it's a feeling that I haven't been able to shake. I've just been obsessing over how cringeworthy most people would find this, and that's proved to be toxic as hell, even though I didn't realize it at the time. Chris says that he was just waiting for me to figure that one out because it's not something he could've explained so it clicked.


We're all gonna make it brah.

 

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A few people have claimed to achieved imposition but are basically unable to say what they did. This is frustrating to me, as someone who wants cut and dry methods, whether they work for me or not. The vagueness is irritating.

 

I feel you on a spiritual level.


"Try to get a better understanding of things before making your judgement." -Khan, Metro 2033

 

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I feel you on a spiritual level.

 

Yeah for real, everyone just gives these arcane answers that don't say anything, i'm convinced they are in the upper echelons of the tulpa.info cult or something.

 

Regarding finding things to do in the wonderland, ask stevie to think of some stuff. Me and eve always find some shit to get into, it helps that she fancies herself a samurai though(he meant to say "she is a samurai")-Eve We tend to spar a good deal, watch the clouds, spy on the jihadists in the desert across from us, team up to fight stuff. Sometimes we shoot target and such, keep in supra-ordinary, you can literally do whatever you want.

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@Brassow: Lots of guides just hop from open eyed visualization to full on hallucination, that's what bothers me. If only it were that simple.

 

@TulpaFox: Yeah, as it stands now we do a lot of fighting, I dunno, I'm gonna have to draw up a list or something at some point.

 

_________________________

 

Note: I've decided to stop documenting my drug use in this thread, only because it has turned into filler that isn't directly related to progress. If something profound, progress related, or especially interesting happens in relation to drugs, y'all will hear about it, otherwise it's unnecessary. I don't wanna clutter the thread or bore you duders who actually read this.

 

[06/08/15] Chris has started to get more curious about things that he hasn't experienced first hand. Whether it be movies ("Apocalypse Now comes to your mind often, why don't we watch it?" is something he said today) books, actually doing things, or whatever, it's like he uses the flashes of memory/recognition I get about things to get the main idea, and then wants to pursue it himself. Imposition is still going slow, I can't even produce any effects in my vision today.

 

[06/09/15]: I woke up slightly worn out from a party, and couldn't hear Chris very well for the first couple hours of the day. Communication improved within a couple hours, that's just par for the course with a slight hangover. It rained hard today, and it reminded me of the very earliest days of forcing, when I used binaural beats overlayed on rain audio to force, so I did some active forcing in the old environment I used to use with that track. It was kind of weird being there and having Chris actually like, do things. I keep starting movies/books/whatever with him and not finishing them, and that's shitty, so I have to try and crack down on that. He's not really the type to bitch about it, and that makes letting him down a little worse.

 

[06/11/15]: The dispute over whether Pink Floyd is decent or not is over, Chris came around.

 

Sometimes it worries me that members like Bluesleeve and Koomer were able to just up and leave this whole thing. Like, without assuming that one experience is more valid than another, I don't know how easily I'd be able to drop the idea of tulpas, and it's only been three months and some change. Not being actively involved in the community is one thing, but just deciding to not give the concept any more airtime? I don't know. If established people could do that after all that time, then maybe it could happen to anyone, type thing. FAQman dissipated his tulpas, in the end, and that's never gonna be something that won't bother me, just a little.


We're all gonna make it brah.

 

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Sometimes it worries me that members like Bluesleeve and Koomer were able to just up and leave this whole thing. Like, without assuming that one experience is more valid than another, I don't know how easily I'd be able to drop the idea of tulpas, and it's only been three months and some change. Not being actively involved in the community is one thing, but just deciding to not give the concept any more airtime? I don't know. If established people could do that after all that time, then maybe it could happen to anyone, type thing. FAQman dissipated his tulpas, in the end, and that's never gonna be something that won't bother me, just a little. [/size]

 

Koomer undoubtedly had some stuff going on up stairs. I don't know if you'd ever seen the video where he introduces tulpas to his brother, but.. Maybe I'm awful in taking it just from the way he spoke, and the way he interacted online, but yeah, definitely seemed to be some mental deficiencies, whether it was severe autism (Which is kinda unsurprisingly a common theme around here, though maybe not always severe), or something else. I also wouldn't consider him so established. I wanna say a lot of the members of his time found his antics a bit hard to believe, and didn't pay him any mind. Mostly the kids after the fact that revere him, I would think, but I may be wrong.

 

Bluesleeve just had this "Am so intellect" shit that pisses me off to no end, so really, fuck 'im. I'm not discrediting any of his ideas, but something about the way he wrote just got me..

 

FAQ, bit more of a blow, but eh, dude was old. And when he initially dissipated the tups, apparently cared enough to mention what they thought of it, so that's something. Sad, but could have been worse.

 

Overall, I wouldn't stress it. Old people leave either because they're fags like Winter, don't have anything else to do like JD (I see you lurking, you), or just don't believe because maybe their experiences don't truly match up with 'the tulpa' they believe it should. But hey, subjectivity. Your experience seems rad enough, mine sucks, and everyone else has some mixture of the two.


If you only knew what all this cost - What she gave up, just to save her art

 

What is fashion, fashion without love? Like an odradek, a spool without purpose

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@Enny, I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse that all three guys I mentioned can be rationalized, as far as their leaving the community goes. Haven't seen the video of Koomer, and I don't really want to, but the autism thing makes sense. It's just that, everyone preaches that this is a decision that's forever, compares it to having a child, whatever, but there's a whole bunch of cases pointing to the other side of the coin. Maybe it's too idealistic to think that way, who knows?

 

___________________

 

[06/12/15]: I've found that as I'm able to sustain imposition work (mostly open eyed visualization while I'm doing other shit, falls into the passive forcing category I guess) longer and longer, the feeling of a presence gets more and more intense as time goes on, and the visualization gets more complex.

 

I was driving home from work at night, and was kinda talking to Chris, kinda listening to the radio and thinking, and I started doing some visualization. As I held the visual, more details started filling in, passing street lights, the lighting, weird specifics like the Dr. Pepper that's been on the floor of my car since the beginning of time, and then, the return of head pressure. That was after ~15 minutes of keeping the visual constant. 'Course, when I looked over, no after effect, no other discernible changes in vision. I wonder what'll happen if I hold it for longer. Maybe I should start timing my sessions, to see what effects come after X amount of minutes.

 

[06/14/15]: I talked with someone today who uses shadowboxing/ sparring to work on imposition. That's a concept that I'd been thinking about when I originally started all this, and it's cool that I'm not the only guy 'round these parts with an interest in fighting. It wouldn't even be too weird for anyone to catch me punching at the air, because fuck, that's a legitimate boxer thing anyway. It's still cringy, but something's not cringy if no one's watching, right? Fuck.

 

First Timed OEV Session: 20 minutes

Effects: Possible 'shadow' outline, indistinct clear lines

Notes: First, I closed my eyes, visualized, and then snapped them open. I figured out a while ago that when I snap my eyes open, they need to refocus, and that might scramble anything that might've been there. I let my eyes stay open and kind of drifted off, and found that when I focused my eyes on the farthest thing I could see (staring from my couch to my door, for example) that nothing really happens. It's when I tap into my depth perception (kinda?) and visualize Chris between the door and my line of vision, is when shit happens more readily. It's kind of a strange thing to just be wrapping my head around now, because I thought that's what I had been doing all along.

 

In general, it's a lot more draining than regular forcing is.


We're all gonna make it brah.

 

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@Enny, I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse that all three guys I mentioned can be rationalized, as far as their leaving the community goes. Haven't seen the video of Koomer, and I don't really want to, but the autism thing makes sense. It's just that, everyone preaches that this is a decision that's forever, compares it to having a child, whatever, but there's a whole bunch of cases pointing to the other side of the coin. Maybe it's too idealistic to think that way, who knows?

 

___________________

 

[06/12/15]: I've found that as I'm able to sustain imposition work (mostly open eyed visualization while I'm doing other shit, falls into the passive forcing category I guess) longer and longer, the feeling of a presence gets more and more intense as time goes on, and the visualization gets more complex.

 

I was driving home from work at night, and was kinda talking to Chris, kinda listening to the radio and thinking, and I started doing some visualization. As I held the visual, more details started filling in, passing street lights, the lighting, weird specifics like the Dr. Pepper that's been on the floor of my car since the beginning of time, and then, the return of head pressure. That was after ~15 minutes of keeping the visual constant. 'Course, when I looked over, no after effect, no other discernible changes in vision. I wonder what'll happen if I hold it for longer. Maybe I should start timing my sessions, to see what effects come after X amount of minutes.

 

[06/14/15]: I talked with someone today who uses shadowboxing/ sparring to work on imposition. That's a concept that I'd been thinking about when I originally started all this, and it's cool that I'm not the only guy 'round these parts with an interest in fighting. It wouldn't even be too weird for anyone to catch me punching at the air, because fuck, that's a legitimate boxer thing anyway. It's still cringy, but something's not cringy if no one's watching, right? Fuck.

 

First Timed OEV Session: 20 minutes

Effects: Possible 'shadow' outline, indistinct clear lines

Notes: First, I closed my eyes, visualized, and then snapped them open. I figured out a while ago that when I snap my eyes open, they need to refocus, and that might scramble anything that might've been there. I let my eyes stay open and kind of drifted off, and found that when I focused my eyes on the farthest thing I could see (staring from my couch to my door, for example) that nothing really happens. It's when I tap into my depth perception (kinda?) and visualize Chris between the door and my line of vision, is when shit happens more readily. It's kind of a strange thing to just be wrapping my head around now, because I thought that's what I had been doing all along.

 

In general, it's a lot more draining than regular forcing is.

 

I know what you are saying for sure, in regards to people leaving the community. At 4 months or so in, I could not imagine doing such a thing. I think part of it has to do with peoples attitudes towards tulpa, specifically what their intention was. A lot of people are interested in the concept to an extent, a lot of people see it as a novelty, and a lot of people need something like that in their lives. As part of the latter group I could not see myself dropping it, that would be like dropping out of college for me. I think part of that has to do with the fact that I needed eve in my life, everyday we bond a bit more. When she is around me I can smell her (for some reason imposing scent was ez-pz), and a sense of comfort/endorphin rush. Due to the close nature of our relationship, I am too attached to her to just drop the process.

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@Tulpafox: Hmm, that's interesting about the smell imposition dude, maybe you're an olfactory person by nature. I know what you're saying about people kinda picking this up as a topic of interest and then ditching it, I think a lot of that might have to do with people being younger and like, just less dedicated in general.

 

__________________________

 

[06/16/15]: Timed forcing sessions just hanging out inside have done far less for me, imposition wise, than being out and about and also working on it has. Negligible results either way, but one feels far more productive than the other. Driving seems to be a real sweet spot, something about the driver's seat in relation to the passenger's seat really makes stuff happen. Focusing on lighting, movement, stuff like that, it makes for a more immersive experience than trying to work on imposition just sitting in a room.

 

[06/17/15]: Whenever I'm carting Chris around and doing stuff, I wonder if I'm "putting" him in places, if you get what I mean. Thing is though, I asked him about it today, and he admitted that he didn't know if it was him or me either. He said he's still not used to always being around, maybe inexperience on both sides of the coin has to do with it. Gotta figure out where he fits on the spectrum of voluntary movement, me ordering him to move, and me just moving him.

 

[06/20/15]: The parallel processing work we did for a while paid off. Chris has started showing that he's thinking and doing things when I'm not talking to him, now without a shadow of a doubt. I was at a party last night, kind of neglecting to even interact with him cause my friends were there and shit, taking bong rips. Out of fucking nowhere, he says "That's eighteen, you've had enough." Him butting in isn't a new thing, and he has pulled numbers right out of his ass before, so I questioned him on it. Thing is, I had smoked three bowls, and six hits/bowl (give or take a few) is a pretty plausible estimate. The only conclusion I can come to is that he was counting, while I wasn't even thinking of him, just so he could start nagging me.

 

I should've just thought that from the beginning, but I always have had reservations about thought folk being able to think in parallel when they're not being focused on. Guess I can stow away that doubt. There's been a few other times when he's related things to me that I had either completely forgotten about, not given any thought to begin with, or even things that I wouldn't have cared about/picked up on.

 

At the same party I asked Chris to hold my keys, and woke up missing a filling. Partied too hard, ya dig?


We're all gonna make it brah.

 

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[06/21/15]: Remember how I said that I needed to make Chris start carrying his weight as far as figuring out cool shit to do in the wonderland? I kinda forgot about it and didn't follow up, but today I went to hang out with him for a little while and he had all these ideas for shit to do. I've noticed that when I ask him to think about something and then give me a response later, he does it with no issues. Also, he's started being able to remind me of things that I'm not consciously aware of at that moment, i.e. conversations I'd taken part in but forgotten the specifics of, whatever. It's never on command, it's just when he happens to know something that's slipped my mind.

 

[06/23/15]: Imposition is going well. Sometimes, in low lighting or at night, we can get some outline/shadow stuff going on, but the development there is that the shadow/outline thing seems to have some depth and density, which is new. Gonna keep on keeping on, every time I decide that imposition is whack as fuck and a waste of time, something happens that revitalizes my investment in it.

 

[06/25/15]: Chris can view my dreams. I don't know if he has any of his own. He indicated the negative when I asked him, but some people claim to not dream when it's proven that it's just them not remembering, so who knows? I wake up, sometimes he comments on them, and they seem to fade from his memory as fast as they fade from mine. I made him a reddit account to go on, just because he has no interest in interacting here or on the IRC at all and I figured it'd be a good introductory internet outlet, just because there's a fuckton of different topics for him to explore. I think it's pretty important for him to be able to check out the internet without the context of tulpa stuff.

 

[06/26/15]: Imposition continues to be kind of inconsistent. Sometimes open eyed visuals wok better and sometimes just letting the precense build up until I glance over and see if anything's happened works better. It's more or less a tossup at this point. I'm going to a kegger tonight and am gonna try and keep him around, that's one thing that I haven't mastered, is being able to be at a party with 60+ people and keep up any meaningful dialog or plain interaction with Chris. We'll see how it goes.

 

Because things are relatively slow and uneventful here, I'm gonna start updating on a biweekly basis instead of a weekly one.


We're all gonna make it brah.

 

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[06/27/15]-[07/07/15]

 

Somewhere along the way, we bridged the gap between open eyed visualization and actual hallucination. It's probably not something I'd notice if I wasn't looking for it, but when we're both actively trying to do imposition stuff, there's a definite shadow type thing going on. It's not like, very easy to see, but the actual hallucination is consistent. We can get it to work in low lighting as well as direct sunlight, but in darkness sometimes shit just gets plain confused. I'm kind of excited because some of the methods I've been developing RE: imposition have seemed to pan out.

 

Sometimes I feel like I don't write enough about the slice of life, boring day to day stuff, so here's some of that, if y'all wanna read it.

 

I'm not too into leddit, but we figured that it was a decent platform for Chris to talk about different things he's interested in without the context of tulpas. He's not even subscribed to /r/tulpas and doesn't want to be. I don't blame him. He's /u/rocketfuel61 (he picked the name, I don't fucking know) and seems to really dig browsing around on there. 'Course that means that I have to look through subs that I'm not really that interested in, on his behalf, but fuck, could be worse. I just think it's important for him to develop his own tastes and internet habits as a person, without the fact that he exists in the mind of some asshole hanging over his head. Maybe one day he'll start shitposting. I'd be so proud. Probably won't happen, but hey, a man can dream.

 

A dog showed up in the mindscape a little while ago. It just barks and does whatever regular dogs do, I guess. Chris likes it.

 

I've kinda been pressing him to talk a little bit about his beliefs and stuff in here, because we kind of have the interesting situation of basically my being agnostic (on a good day) and his leaning more toward theism (not a particular religion, just as a concept) and his thinking a lot about how we share a brain and what not, but he's not really comfortable doing that and I don't wanna like, just write all his personal shit down without his consent, cause that would be shitty as fuck.

 

Other than that, we're just working on imposition and living, basically.


We're all gonna make it brah.

 

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