Raetin's Tulpa Progress

[Raetin]

Well guys, it has been a long time. I probably won't be coming here often anymore, because I really don't see the point of staying. I'll probably come around to read some guides, and maybe check on some art, but I think that'll be it. I'll try to update the tumblr blog I made about my tulpas, but still not as often as I should be doing. I'll still be going to the irc, so if someone wants to talk to me, you can go there(or you can pm me here, I'll still check on the site sometimes).

 

Anyway, some progress. I have a total of 7 tulpas, yup. I hardly interact with my most recent tulpa, Lylith, but I say hi here and there. She usually hangs out with Rikoni and Aqua. It's funny, because they're all the shortest of the tulpas. Those 3 are usually in their own group, but we all gather together a good amount. Sometimes, my other tulpas join them for a lil bit when they're at the grove (little forest area).

 

Now that school ended for me, I plan to dedicate a lot more time for tulpaforcing. Still working on imposition. I haven't been imposing as much as I should have during school days, so I plan to impose a whole lot more now. I think that's about it for big details. We still have our little hang outs, and I still enjoy being with them (they're so cute!) and probably will for the rest of my life. When I joined, I planned to do just this( wasn't expecting multiple tulpas though...). I can't wait until they're imposed, they'll be able to play a much bigger role in my life once they are.

 

Well, I'll be seeing you guys, I'll still check around here and there, but I probably won't be posting anytime soon. It was nice knowing a lot of you guys.

[Raetin]

My mind seems to drift to all the people I used to know here, and I wonder sometimes if they ever think the same. If anyone wants to contact me or something, here's my blog which I still use to post tulpa stuff occasionally. http://raetintulpa.tumblr.com/

 

All of my tulpas are doing quite fine, but we haven't had much progress due to the lack of active tulpaforcing (aka laziness). Still, they're all there, and I still go to the wonderland to hang out with them and be there. Anyway, I still check on the forum occasionally, so don't think I'm dead.

[Raetin]

Look at the time, barely progressed with anything. You could say I had one big break of no tulpaforcing, but I became a little more motivated again. The bottom is a bit of a copy paste of my progress blog.

 

After months of procrastination and reading threads on tulpa.info, I decided I should tulpaforce again. I must say, my visualization has degraded terribly, but after an hour of practice, I was able to bring it back close to where it used to be. During this whole time, I’ve been passively imposing Reah, but that’s not enough, you really need to put in the work.

 

During visualization, I spent my time improving my perception of color with green and red apples. Reah gave me the apples while I visualized it, which included eating the apple. She also threw in some oranges. After touching the apple’s surface, the wooden floor, and the walls, Reah thought it would be fit to add some “physical activities” into my visualization practice. I tried to get away, I really did, but Reah really is powerful in the wonderland. I should just say she enjoyed her hunt. I can’t say however that it was unproductive… The whole time, she kept reminding me that I should focus on my senses while we were in a tangle… D: I actually had a good sense of my limbs and where they were, instead of a blurry feeling (can’t quite explain it).

 

I find it weird that when I try to explain to Reah that it’s wrong to do it this way, she counters with something I can’t argue with. But when Kai comes by and says something similar, she laughs nervously and apologizes to me. Reah can read my mind, but she can’t read the others. (She can, but she doesn’t) Anyway, I feel more motivated to tulpaforce, let’s hope it stays.

[Raetin]

I'm finally going to college at the end of summer, and I'll be majoring in Neuroscience, woopy! Let's see if I can make some headway into the science of tulpas. Also, about my tulpas.

 

There still doing pretty dandy, but I haven't visited the wonderland in months until just recently. Somehow, life became more eventful and I made good friends I enjoy being with. That said, I still love my tulpas more than anything, so I won't be abandoning them. After all, I made a promise that I wouldn't. Either way, I'm a pretty terrible host, but to put it in words, I'm not the person they deserve (they deserve more), but I am the person they need. During that time, I have been talking with Reah occasionally, but let's see if I can change things for the better. If only I had better discipline, could I actually state that I would tulpaforce 100%, but we'll see how things go.

 

Also, July 15th was our anniversary. :D Three years now. We just ended up watching a horror movie in our wonderland. :P

[Raetin]

I'm in college now, and one of my roommates will be Reah (even though she kind of was before too). I haven't done any tulpa work at all, besides a few visits to the wonderland, but Reah and everyone is still there. They've kind of faded, but extended stays in the wonderland brings them back pretty well. Anyway, on my quest to discover how the brain works through Neuroscience! I might be able to contribute to the research section someday, but got to get through the general ed requirements first.

[Raetin]

I've taken a look a look back at my progress report and saw that my grammar is terrible. Sorry about that. :P It's actually not that much better, but it's still an improvement.

 

I stopped meditating for the last couple months because I had a roommate, but now that I'm back at my house for winter break, I started meditating again, with fede tones this time. I don't think the tulpatones helped me with visualization specifically, but it gave me a sharper focus. Possibly because all external noise was drowned out? I'll keep using it for now. The session lasted about 30 minutes.

 

After that, Reah and I started doing passive imposition again. Her form (silhouette?) was much more distinct than it usually was. I'm sure it's from visualizing her form beforehand, but it's neat to see the improvement. Gonna start doing at least 1 hour a day of tulpaforcing before I have to go back to college, let's hope I can keep it.

[Raetin]

Just a song that feels relevant to this post. It's also pretty good. :P

 

So, it's been quite some time. My last post was almost eight years ago from this point, what's changed? Well, I have. A lot of the core values I held about what it means to be me has changed quite drastically to what it used to be. I am getting a bit ahead of myself though, so I'll start from the beginning.

 

I have been suffering from depression from sometime after puberty to just about a couple years ago. The root issue that prevented me from overcoming or healing from it was not realizing that I had depression in the first place. It was the normal state of my existence and therefore I didn't know there was a problem. To live was to suffer. I felt completely isolated, not being able to relate to my friends, family, or anyone I knew really. I felt quite alien compared to how I perceived everyone else and often found myself grasping to what identity I had that was acknowledged by the people around me, which at the time was my intellect, since academics came very easily until high school and college. If you know anything about gifted children though, it's not as nice as it sounds. They can often develop a number of psychological issues if not raised properly, which I found out much later in life after the damage has been done.

 

 Anyway, I had the gut feeling that I wouldn't be able to connect with another person for the rest of my life, and I was going to die miserable and alone. As a result, I often looked for escapist fantasies to abate the reality that I was experiencing. One of these was anime. I found that I could be emotionally resonant with a number of anime characters and found a lot of the subjects they touched upon something I found quite valuable. I'm talking to the point that it could make me into a sobbing mess if I resonated with it. No other medium has done that for me, or reality for that matter. I’ve had a couple deaths happen in my life where I should have had more of an emotional reaction to, but didn’t, which disturbed me a little inside.

 

Another escapist path I found was lucid dreaming. The idea that you can live out fantasies as if they were real was something I found very appealing. One of the ideas I really liked at the time was meeting my dream guide in a lucid dream. Being able to talk with someone who understood me at a fundamental level was something I felt I needed. Before I got to that point however, someone brought up the concept of tulpas in the lucid dreaming forum I was in, and I was fascinated. I decided to observe the community for a few months before making the decision of creating a tulpa of my own, as I still had my doubts, but after getting to meet a few tulpas via chat, I knew I wanted one.

 

You could read the rest of my progress report here to figure out what happened after, so I’ll skip that part. I may have to clarify some things that happened during that time though if they ever become relevant in the future, since I was kind of vague about a lot of things.

 

Now, let’s talk about how I’ve changed. I finished my college education, but I realized that I was absolutely miserable with my life. I was planning on enrolling to medical school, but realized there was a high chance I was actually going to kill myself if I did. If I’m being honest, I probably would have killed myself prior to that decision if I didn’t have Reah by my side. While I couldn’t bear the idea of living with myself, extinguishing my tulpa’s life with it seemed even more unforgivable. I ended up moving back with my family, who were initially quite upset that I made that decision a couple months before graduating, but they accepted it.

 

During this period, I lived my life quite apathetically. I started working a minimum wage job to contribute. Life felt meaningless and the purpose that I had been following for several years had just disappeared. Again, the only reason I didn’t off myself was to avoid hurting the people that cared about me, including my tulpas. Even with that though, my interactions with Reah and the others became a lot more sparse and there would be times where I didn’t talk with them for some length of time, spanning for months. I decided to an extent that I would live my life like a regular person, be normal and not aspire to be more or have any ambitions. However, I started to change again, little by little.

 

I can’t pinpoint any specific event that I can attribute where the switch happened, but there’s a few that come to mind. One where the characters in a war anime said that even when they are being sent to their deaths, they were going to decide what kind of people they were gonna be, even when they had the opportunity to get revenge. This way of thinking led me to the phrase, “memento mori” and stoicism, which I adapted to quite well, since I was doing a lot of the motions to an extent. Another one was a good friend of mine telling me that they looked up to me and admired me, despite all of the flaws I focused on. It made me realize that the version of myself that I saw didn’t exist in other people, which led me to reflect how my tulpas viewed me in such a positive light, despite never feeling enough. There was a time when I couldn’t believe that my tulpas loved me so much and came to the conclusion that my subconscious was in a sense brainwashing them to do so. Reah was quite furious about it when I told her this, which I don’t blame her for. Another one was work stressing me out and I honestly felt I could do so much better than where I was at. I was feeling that something was going to have to change and the way my life was going wasn’t sustainable. There may have a been a few more things, but I don’t think any of these things alone would have changed me alone and the changes weren’t instantaneous, but it led to a series of changes that cascaded, like a domino effect.

 

I started to examine my life and figure out what I needed to do exactly in order to get my life back in order. I had incredible amounts of fatigue and I wasn’t taking care of myself much at all. I started to form routines and habits using a book on the subject to get me started. I started to work out, watch my diet, form better sleep habits, and take care of personal hygiene. I’ve been doing that for about a year now and the physical changes weren’t the only thing that I’ve noticed. My mentality made a complete turnaround to what it used to be, but it also gave me an insight on how my mind worked. What I thought were core parts of who I am weren’t true at all. My identity was shattered and rebuilt again over time. It made me realize that I didn’t really know who I was to begin with. This took some time to figure out, but I realized that my identity and my ego are completely fluid and I learned how to take a step back from that part of me. It almost felt like I was an observer who was playing the role of “Raetin” in the real world. Much of my suffering has diminished greatly since I’ve adopted this mindset and I honestly feel like I’m capable of reaching my full potential. I’ve been able to be in touch with my own emotions again, which have been stunted for a long time from intellectualization. It may sound strange, but recently, it felt like I have a steady state of joy and love humming in my mind that didn’t come from me. Sometimes it’s there, sometimes it’s not. Whether that feeling of love is coming from my tulpas, or somewhere else, I’m not sure. It honestly felt like a spiritual awakening, like I took a step closer to enlightenment, but who knows how far that actually is. I’m pretty sure this is why some people become religious, lol.

 

I feel like a new person and if anything going forward, I want to have my tulpas with me every step of the way. I honestly couldn’t have done it without them. I’m sure it might be a bit disappointing to read, but I haven’t really gone further in terms of development with my tulpas from my last post to now. I might have actually regressed somewhat, but I’m taking the steps to reconnect with them again. I don’t want this post to get too long, so I’ll leave things here for now, but I may post at another point with more tulpa specific talking points, like this progress report should be, lol.

 

@ringgggg Oh, and since you asked, I finally updated haha.

Edited October 3, 2023 by Raetin

[Guest]

Interesting read. Now that your depression's been gone a while, do you plan on going back to college or getting a better job or did you?

 

Escapism for my host is and always has been the norm so tulpamancy came easy for him. 

 

It's always nice to see tulpamancers who've  been at it a while.

Edited October 3, 2023 by Ashley

[ringgggg]

6 hours ago, Raetin said:

Oh, and since you asked, I finally updated haha.

Haha, thanks for mentioning.

 

It’s always an experience reading about people on here who have gone the long mile and back. Especially in your case, and that you actually bounced back.

 

As a wee baby still <20, it’s just hit me that emotional state = good physical health, and your case pushed me in the right direction a little bit. I appreciate you sharing your experiences, that text wall was inspirational.

 

I’ll give your PR a read, Raetin. Hang in there

[Raetin]

On 10/3/2023 at 12:11 AM, Ashley said:

Interesting read. Now that your depression's been gone a while, do you plan on going back to college or getting a better job or did you?

 

Escapism for my host is and always has been the norm so tulpamancy came easy for him. 

 

It's always nice to see tulpamancers who've  been at it a while.

 

Hi Ashley, thanks for reading! When I went to college originally, I was living a lot of my life based on expectations of what a person should do in society to be successful, without actually considering the full implications of why I'm getting a college education. I currently have a bachelor's from a fairly prestigious university, but I'm not doing anything with it at the moment. I'm in a fairly comfortable place at my job and working part-time as a manager, so I'm not in a rush. Right now, my goal is to become the best version of myself, and that means building a bunch of habits that I'm still working on. As for what I want to do though, I'm still figuring that out. 😅 While I was changing for the better, I realized I honestly didn't know much about who I am. I'm slowly figuring out what my inclinations are, what innate abilities I have, and what my interests are without external influences pushing me towards any one thing. Once I have a good grasp on that, I'll be able to make a move towards something better, and if that means going back to college, then I definitely will. I think it may be art, specifically illustrating and storyboarding, but I have to make sure first lol.

 

On 10/3/2023 at 5:35 AM, ringgggg said:

Haha, thanks for mentioning.

 

It’s always an experience reading about people on here who have gone the long mile and back. Especially in your case, and that you actually bounced back.

 

As a wee baby still <20, it’s just hit me that emotional state = good physical health, and your case pushed me in the right direction a little bit. I appreciate you sharing your experiences, that text wall was inspirational.

 

I’ll give your PR a read, Raetin. Hang in there

 

I'm glad to be a positive influence! I didn't figure these things out until over a year ago and I'm in my mid-20s, which is still young and something I'm grateful for. When it comes to being healthy, I'd like to emphasize to cultivate both the body and the mind. I've exercised for a couple months at a time before, but it never really stuck until now. Part of that was because I was ignoring my mental state to a large degree. This means dealing with a lot of the mental blocks that I've built over the course of my life. Unfortunately, some of these things can't be perceived unless you know how to look. It was almost like playing therapist for myself, haha. Having a tulpa can help in that regard as well. Once you can get to the point of self-acceptance and self-love, (which for me, was ridiculously difficult btw), you can begin to cultivate and strengthen your mind. Just like an actual muscle, your mental capabilities can be trained and grown as well, something I was completely unaware of until recently. You're literally building the neuronal pathways in your brain for those things and making them stronger over time. One of the cool things of brain plasticity.

 

This kind of journey is unique to each individual and how I reach that path will be different for the next person. I've read these kind of success stories before when I was younger and I've never really understood how. They'd outline how they did it, but doing what they did wouldn't necessarily have invoked the change I've went through now. Life's journey is all about finding your path!