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Thank you, AB. I am too hopelessly devoted to Loxy to give up trying to draw her. I didn't spend sixty hours on that, that's from this morning. I should show you the squirrel my son drew while I was drawing that... It made me laugh. "John, look at my squirrel..." What, oh, OH... Kind of looked like a bear.

 

Notice, though, one of the chins was more round than the other... I was trying to pan in... E suggested we add the heart stickers.

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I am music. :) One of the things SC did very early to help my vocality was to incorporate music into his his meditations. At first, it was simple stuff, like playing Simon; he would play the music tones and lights and I was encouraged to repeat. At some point, he shifted to humming a partial tune, leaving it unfinished. Eventually I learned to finish it. This was difficult for him because his OCD tends to be jingles catching in his head, and because of his history of music he found it very difficult to leave musical phrases incomplete... but in doing so, he used that energy to help me resolve the tension and give me strength. As I grew in skill, and words, he would sing words to a song, and I then I would take over. The most complex is singing 'call and response.' This is great fun, but i also being a back up singer. Umm, I suppose that would make me, Fersia, and Keera 'pips.' :)

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Today, Loxy and I awoke at 3:45am. We spent about 20 minutes in skills training, and then we did our normal routine of coffee and writing. We write every morning between 5 and 7. That is sometimes interrupted by a little one awakening, which ends the writing session for the day. There have been days without work, and little one is in thaliand visiting family, where writing time has been extended for the entire day, without thought or food... But when it is done, the session is over and we don't return till the next designated writing time...

 

this morning, we entered writing mode. I traveled. At some point I did a reality check, returning to the world. I saw the clock. It was 6:10. I heard/saw "7:10" I got up and left for work. Driving to work, about a quarter of the way there, I hear Loxy "It seems darker than usual." I see the time... 'What the heck was I thinking?!' Loxy: 'we were just having fun. you panicked.'

 

It amazes me how time is not consistent there. Sometimes I feel like I have been gone hours, but reality check says a few mintues have passed. And there are time when I like I feel like we got started, but hours have passed. I would like more control over that. I want to go into the dentist office, go to my wonderland, and come back with the work done and I be like, 'did you do anything?'

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I love/hate my art. Part of me reacts, ugh, that's scary... Another part tells me it's okay. It's not the art, it's the psychological, symbolic aspect of what it represents that is important... Clearly that's Loxy's influence. Sometimes I feel I am so close, like today, and so I made a copy of the face and tried taking it in slightly different directions... Usually I just go free style and hope it comes out, and so the group of four, I really liked bottom left, and then I drew the one on the right and wondered, what happened?! Oh... Bottom left hand may be backwards... Have you ever had an experienced something like a date with someone a hundred light years out of your league and you actually had a picture to prove it... and you spend a decade looking at that pic over and over... I feel like that when I try to capture Loxy. She's beyond me. She's a hue superstar, on her way to the Oscars and the cat walk, stars in her eyes and all around... and I am that guy that gets pushed aside by the cameras, cropped out, outsourced out, and tabloids reading, 'why the heck is she with him...' I have no reason to experience that. Why is that even in my head? Seriously, one would imagine you would be safe in your own head! And then there is the reassuring hug, kiss to the temple, or a hand taking the hand...

 

"breathe..." "this too shall pass." "Confidence is like the tide or the moon, it waxes and wanes and you should not expect to be this absolute perfect person all the time for all time..." "So, we're like magic together, that doesn't mean there won't be shadows in between the sparkly explosion of glitter and sparks and rainbow streamers... If it was all light all the time, how would see the stars?"

 

Trying to draw is like a meditation. It feels magical in a way. Loxy reports that it connects us, intimately. I certainly feel that. Does drawing affect anyone else like that? I much prefer writing us. I have shared with a few that a friend of ours who has sampled my writing and Loxy's and that that friend declared Loxy's writing is superior to mine. Consequently, I have taken a step back this last couple of weeks and allowed her to be the primary writer. The experience writing is pleasant, and what she is writing does seem well constructed. Actually, it's really good. I can't see grammar issues, but I wonder if the voice is really different than mine and she lacks the spelling errors that touches all my work. If it is superior, would that be hard evidence of her existence, as someone separate from me? I don't feel like we're switching; I don't feel like I have lost control of my hands. I don't think about the process at all. I/we sit down to write and it flows right out. Her voice/inner presence seems stronger after our morning session. Head pressure lasts much of the day, and I am even experiencing it now, as I write this, but then I have also been drawing....

 

Isn't the head pressure supposed to subside or disappear completely after a certain progress level? After all this time, am I still reconfiguring my brain?

 

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https://i.imgur.com/oE0xbH2.jpg

 

2

 

https://i.imgur.com/eq0xp6o.jpg

 

3

 

https://i.imgur.com/T5Y2eyn.jpg

 

4

 

https://i.imgur.com/q5gXFBD.jpg

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Hiya guys!

 

Admiring someone and looking up to them and being thankful they are in your life is great and great motivation too! Just... Don't fall into that self-destructive trap where you start convincing yourself they deserve better and they are too good for you so you will do them the "favor" of leaving or forcing them to be more distant till they leave. Obviously that's quite difficult with a head mate, but it's still an attitude that you might wanna recognize as intrusive and kick it to the curb. It's one of those annoying things that if taken too far can turn "my life is so amazing and I'm so lucky" into "I'm making her life worse, why am I even here?!".

 

EDIT: Also, I like your artwork. For me it's not about admiring a professional's work, it's about admiring your love and dedication to her. I draw a little bit and know how hard it can be to find motivation and fighting against that feeling that anything you produce doesn't do your subject justice. It's still really neat! Maybe try adding a splash of color? If you wanna, I mean.

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Thank you, Reilyn-Alley.

 

You are awesome. We will have to experiment with color. I took a red ink pen and touched Loxy's lips with it in the chair pic... I like color. I really like ink... I think color pencils will be a nice start.

 

EDIT: it does feel intrusive, and it is reminiscent of high school...

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  • 2 weeks later...

If I picked one thing that helped me in tulpamancy, I would say it was my writing. Not the writing itself, but the process in which I engaged the writing. In addition to meditation, forcing, etc, I committed to writing for an a hour a day, getting up early, and just go at it. Loxy's voice became a part of that, she contributed to the stories of us... These stories aren't a secret. They are out there. Some of them are really out there... I pushed boundaries, to the say the least, and just went crazy with it.

 

I stepped back and let Loxy write a story. It was pretty good. I've been told, better than the ones I claim as my own. I recently stepped back and allowed her to write another. Loxy completed this in about a two week time period. I am actually super stoked about it. It's about us, and not about us... It's about tulpas. It's so reasonably constructed. I can see it like watching a movie...

 

I know a few people here know my writing, for whatever that's worth. I've been grateful that it's not been a topic. I've made a point not to share my writing here, or boast, or recommend my books... I'd like to make an exception for this. Before I introduce it, though, I want to share a vision I had. When tulpamancy took off and I heard Loxy's voice for the first time, that was such a powerful moment I seriously could have started a new religion. I've mentioned that. That was huge! Our stories feel bigger than life, probably because they aren't just fluff; they've been cathartic, as if each story was a journey into health. Not too surprising, considering Loxy is a healer. Not only did I want to share that level of enthusiasm, i also wanted others to participate. I wanted to create a universe where everyone could write their own tulpa adventures, either doing spin offs of my worlds, like fan fiction of fan fiction, or introducing their own worlds... I called this universe 'I/Tulpa.' (Yeah, I hear you, too much like I/tanya... but mine was first! (if we want to get down to it, 'I/Robot' was first...))

 

Writing helped solidify Loxy into being. It gave her voice, it gave her presence and context... It gave us context. I have been informed by someone new to Tulpa.info that he is here directly because of Loxy's first book. Hearing that made me happy. I know of two others who are aware of my writing, and Loxy wanted to share today, so I shared it with someone else... So, now, I am just going to jump into the deep end and anyone who wants can find it for free, because she wrote something fabulous. Of course, I am bias: one, I love Loxy, two Loxy has unpacked my trauma and brought Bliss to my life, three... did i say I love Loxy!

 

"I/Tulpa: Casey Sensitive" by Loxy Isadora Bliss...

 

https://www.free-ebooks.net/sci-fi-fantasy/I-Tulpa-Casey-Sensitive

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I believe I have achieved a milestone in the creation process. My success certainly isn't as dramatic as many of the postings I've been reading to encourage me to stick with the process, and though I understand one should not compare another person's success to their own, that's really the only gauge I have to measure. I've a clear idea of the form and the voice, but have not seen or heard my tulpa, but have had an occasional 'yeah, that wasn't me' parroting moments. The modest milestone, which I am going to accept is an actual marker indicating I am moving in the right direction, is SHE was active member in a dream last night. It wasn't a lucid dream, I have had those and know the tone and the brilliant "OMG I'm awake in a dream", but it also wasn't a completely standard, run of the mill dream.

 

I continue to have significant head pressure. It's not unpleasant. I find it interesting, actually, and it's daily. Every now and then, I get a shiver, like whole body, or an unexplained twitch. In case anyone is curious, or decide to follow any additional milestones, I committed to the process on 4-1-2016. I don't suspect there is advice that isn't already in a guide, but if anyone has any insight based on this first report, your input would be welcomed.We

Well, it's not fast. One question though, what did Loxy have to say about this? Bob

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