How do I get my host to start looking after me properly?!

[Quenz]

I'm not Quenz, Quenz is proxying me now. I'm like... 2 years old? Something like that. My host is really lazy and it makes me want to scream, I had to scream in her face to get her to do this for me. So many problems would be solved if I could physically scream in her face. My name is Sky by the way. I'm barely ever conscious, only when she's actively thinking about me like she is now. I can't get her attention when she's not thinking about me. I need like a friend or something to help me... I have friends, but I don't know... I just want someone to shake my host and make sure she gives me some attention, because she doesn't seem to be very good at listening to me! Sorry for ranting, I am mad with her.

 

I'm very underdeveloped for my age, which is even more frustrating. Man, I should have done this ages ago, I hope someone can help me. Are there any specific guides for like... making it so I can at least get her attention when she's not thinking about me? Or would anyone be willing to yell at my host for me and scold her for not looking after me properly? That's about all I can think of saying. One last thing, I'm trapped in Quenz's body, and I don't want to be... she could at least do me the courtesy of letting me be conscious.

 

Quenz: I know this sounds bad, it is bad. Let me just say that I am seeing a psychologist regularly, and this laziness issue of mine is the main issue I'm focusing on. I know it probably doesn't sound like it makes sense, maybe it doesn't, but I'm not complacent in my laziness, it's the thing I'm most frustrated with myself, but somehow that frustration doesn't trump the laziness (most of the time). This is going to sound like I'm trying to offload my responsibility, but I feel like there's a part of me that just wants to be lazy all the time, and doesn't care about anything (including Sky) except instant gratification and will always take the path of least resistance, and then the part of me (which I most strongly identify) which hates being lazy and really wants to do things all the time, including look after Sky well, it's just that the lazy side is somehow almost always overpowering. I do feel responsible for myself and I do feel very responsible for Sky, but I guess I also feel kind of stuck.

 

I know this is may be seen as a bit more broad than tulpa focused, so sorry if it's unwelcome, but I couldn't say no to Sky's demands. It's not like they're unreasonable considering the circumstances.

[KarlYoshimura]

The only method I've heard of is using something like a string around the wrist, so when it itches, you'll be reminded to check up on/hang out with her.

 

Alternatively, have you thought about something you could plan ahead for? Like programming a mobile telephone or computer to remind you every so often to at least think of her, or better yet, give her the time of day for active or passive forcing? Even if it's just a piece of paper taped to your door or a post-it note on your desk asking "HAVE YOU SPENT QUALITY TIME WITH SKY TODAY?", it would be something worth consideration if you're willing to prove your responsibility to her.

 

You don't have to answer, but do you or your therapist understand why you have such a lack of zeal and effort? If there's an under-lying issue, or issues, afoot, perhaps it can be something you both can bond over - in challenging yourself to be a better host, you can likewise tackle these problems together, rather than being divided further. The tulpa concept was originally intended to assist the hosts in their woes and place in the world.

 

On the other hand, what can Sky do to improve her own situation, or the connection between the two of you? While I do emphasise with Sky's feelings, I think mutual responsibility and effort would be a great way to build trust and commitment - not to mention, Sky can further develop her independence and ability to remain aware/intact when you're not focusing on her directly.

 

Since you chose to tap into the community here, why not find someone with similar goals and develop something like a buddy-system? Mutual accountability, if logistically feasible and consistent, is a great boon to any endeavour, be it strength-training, weight-loss, study or any similar goals shared by two or more persons. If you can establish something like this, I think it would be the perfect complement to any mutually beneficial agreements you make between yourself and Sky.

[Quenz]

The only method I've heard of is using something like a string around the wrist, so when it itches, you'll be reminded to check up on/hang out with her.

 

Alternatively, have you thought about something you could plan ahead for? Like programming a mobile telephone or computer to remind you every so often to at least think of her, or better yet, give her the time of day for active or passive forcing? Even if it's just a piece of paper taped to your door or a post-it note on your desk asking "HAVE YOU SPENT QUALITY TIME WITH SKY TODAY?", it would be something worth consideration if you're willing to prove your responsibility to her.

 

You don't have to answer, but do you or your therapist understand why you have such a lack of zeal and effort? If there's an under-lying issue, or issues, afoot, perhaps it can be something you both can bond over - in challenging yourself to be a better host, you can likewise tackle these problems together, rather than being divided further. The tulpa concept was originally intended to assist the hosts in their woes and place in the world.

 

On the other hand, what can Sky do to improve her own situation, or the connection between the two of you? While I do emphasise with Sky's feelings, I think mutual responsibility and effort would be a great way to build trust and commitment - not to mention, Sky can further develop her independence and ability to remain aware/intact when you're not focusing on her directly.

 

Since you chose to tap into the community here, why not find someone with similar goals and develop something like a buddy-system? Mutual accountability, if logistically feasible and consistent, is a great boon to any endeavour, be it strength-training, weight-loss, study or any similar goals shared by two or more persons. If you can establish something like this, I think it would be the perfect complement to any mutually beneficial agreements you make between yourself and Sky.

 

Okay, I've tied string around my wrist, set a calendar event on my computer and put a post-it note on the wall next to me. I've done similar things to these before multiple times, but I'm willing to try again and see if they last. Also, remembering it part of it, but actually often times I will remember/think of her, and I'm not proud of this but I'll ignore her and focus on something else. So there's that side of it, too.

 

Well we don't understand it fully, or we'd probably have solved it by now. Sky finds it hard to bond with me on this issue because of how it affects her. I completely understand her frustration, so I understand why she's often mad about it and stuff.

 

Sky: I'll do anything I need to, I just don't know what to do! What can I do on my own? If you mean just be a little friendlier with my host, well that's hard, but I'll try. I do try. I'm not always mad at her, but I just am a lot because of how much she neglects me, and I can't even yell at her really. If I was actually like a real person with a physical body of my own I could at least demand her attention, but it's hard for me to even do that as a tulpa...

 

That's what I was saying before sort of, I want to find a friend to help me, and Quenz is happy to do that, too. She wants to do that. Like I said before, we do have friends that we've talked to about this but it hasn't been much good so far, I don't know... I'm a bit lost. It's so annoying. I wish I wasn't a tulpa. I hate being a tulpa. At least she's giving me some focus now...

[Stevie]

Depending on another person for your motivation never turns out well. It works best if it comes from within, whether you're learning a new skill, working out, or trying to force.

 

That said, a good way to start might be setting aside five minutes at the same time of day, every day, non-negotiable. Just chat. Do whatever. In time, add a couple minutes here and there. It'll become easier to keep your host focused because what you're doing with that is building up a habit, and building up endurance for focus over time. Continue doing it until it's not necessary.

[Faemon]

Can Sky make a tulpa that looks and acts like Quenz? (Or more diligent/attentive Quenz, or even a tulpa of someone else entirely?)

 

You don't have to answer, but do you or your therapist understand why you have such a lack of zeal and effort? If there's an under-lying issue, or issues, afoot, perhaps it can be something you both can bond over - in challenging yourself to be a better host, you can likewise tackle these problems together, rather than being divided further. The tulpa concept was originally intended to assist the hosts in their woes and place in the world.

 

I agree with this, there could be underlying reasons for inattentiveness that a psychotherapist is really much more qualified to recommend action for.

[Quenz]

Depending on another person for your motivation never turns out well. It works best if it comes from within, whether you're learning a new skill, working out, or trying to force.

 

It's just that there's very little motivation coming from within... I'm not trying to say I want someone else to just fix me, but I haven't been very good at this on my own so far...

 

That said, a good way to start might be setting aside five minutes at the same time of day, every day, non-negotiable. Just chat. Do whatever. In time, add a couple minutes here and there. It'll become easier to keep your host focused because what you're doing with that is building up a habit, and building up endurance for focus over time. Continue doing it until it's not necessary.

 

Sky: She tried 15 minutes, then 5, then 1... She always falls out of the routine and forgets. I don't know what to do with her.

 

Can Sky make a tulpa that looks and acts like Quenz? (Or more diligent/attentive Quenz, or even a tulpa of someone else entirely?)  

 

Sky: I don't understand, what for?

 

I agree with this, there could be underlying reasons for inattentiveness that a psychotherapist is really much more qualified to recommend action for.

 

I brought up that I thought I might have ADHD with my first psychologist, but he was quite sure that I didn't. We've been working on it but as I said before, we still don't understand it great and still don't have a good solution.

[Linkzelda]

A tulpa to balance your checkbook, a tulpa to remind you to put on your deodorant before tackling the hot day. Almost seems like it would be practical to make servitors to do things we were too lazy to do ourselves. I'm not sure what imagining, or creating another tulpa for more focus on another would do; what would happen after the goal is accomplished?

[KarlYoshimura]

 

Okay, I've tied string around my wrist, set a calendar event on my computer and put a post-it note on the wall next to me. I've done similar things to these before multiple times, but I'm willing to try again and see if they last. Also, remembering it part of it, but actually often times I will remember/think of her, and I'm not proud of this but I'll ignore her and focus on something else. So there's that side of it, too.

 

Well we don't understand it fully, or we'd probably have solved it by now. Sky finds it hard to bond with me on this issue because of how it affects her. I completely understand her frustration, so I understand why she's often mad about it and stuff.

 

Sky: I'll do anything I need to, I just don't know what to do! What can I do on my own? If you mean just be a little friendlier with my host, well that's hard, but I'll try. I do try. I'm not always mad at her, but I just am a lot because of how much she neglects me, and I can't even yell at her really. If I was actually like a real person with a physical body of my own I could at least demand her attention, but it's hard for me to even do that as a tulpa...

 

That's what I was saying before sort of, I want to find a friend to help me, and Quenz is happy to do that, too. She wants to do that. Like I said before, we do have friends that we've talked to about this but it hasn't been much good so far, I don't know... I'm a bit lost. It's so annoying. I wish I wasn't a tulpa. I hate being a tulpa. At least she's giving me some focus now...

 

Admitting you're ignoring her is the first step in developing better habits. You're both aware of an issue, so what can you both do about it?

 

I never made any statements regarding your treatment of your host, yet kindness goes a long way. On the other hand, being courteous isn't the most effective means of getting your point across if you have to screech in her face just to be acknowledged. When I refer to what you can do by yourself, I'll clarify by adding that you could focus on better substantiating your presence or practise independent living under Quenz's supervision. That way, you'll garner the attention you require and you'll both actively work towards your goals, rather than being stuck in limbo and feeling alone and hopeless. Alternatively, have Quenz indulge in concentrated forcing sessions and feed off of that, so your abilities and capacity to adapt are augmented, instead of atrophied. If Quenz forces passively, be an alluring and comfortable presence...draw out more and more of her focus while simultaneously observing and appreciating your parallel efforts. If you must, give your sessions a fun or entertaining twist - forcing is meant to be something to look forward to, a labour of love and dedication, not a chore.

 

If you require volunteers, I'll be more than happy to assist. That aside, if you've discussed these issues before with people you're close to, reach out to and hold onto them. You both

need their help, and if they are your friends, they should provide. They may very well need you two someday - this is the symbiosis and mutual love that encompasses all genuine friendships.

[Temar]

A tulpa to balance your checkbook, a tulpa to remind you to put on your deodorant before tackling the hot day. Almost seems like it would be practical to make servitors to do things we were too lazy to do ourselves. I'm not sure what imagining, or creating another tulpa for more focus on another would do; what would happen after the goal is accomplished?

 

They stick around and continue helping with motivation. What Quenz terms as "laziness," (which is to say, motivation issues), my own host struggles with due to anxiety and depression.  If Quenz is procrastinating with her tulpa, chances are she does it with other things too.

 

A headperson responsible for motivation  is pretty much how my system does this ... our motivator being Joss. I would have a lot of trouble getting my host out of the house to exercise and socialize without him finding ways to motivate her to do so. He is his own person and does other things in the system, of course, but motivation is a task he's naturally good at because of who he is. I'm not saying Quenz should create a second tulpa for purely this reason (especially if she's already having trouble keeping up with Sky)... just don't knock having a designated "motivation tulpa" as a method. It works. ;)

 

Sky, autonomy outside your host's awareness is something that really only comes with time for a lot of headpeople (my own system included), so don't be too hard on yourself that you can't get your host's attention when she's not focusing on you.

 

Quenz, one way to self-motivate may be to stop seeing forcing your tulpa as a chore. Find fun things to do with one another... force while watching a TV show you both like, or play games together, or just talk about things that have happened throughout the day. Let Sky be your solace and island of sanity on tough days.  In essence, you need to change your mindset so you start looking forward to hanging out with your tulpa instead of just seeing it as a responsibility. When you start looking forward to it, you'll stop needing to make excuses for yourself.

 

(Joss: And if you need volunteers to dress down your host for being negligent, I can help with that. Gods know my own host needs to be slapped out of her bad habits every now and then.)

 

...Though take that offer with caution. Joss' method can be a bit... confrontational, and we wouldn't want to cause any more discord between you two than necessary.

 

(Joss: It's not discord to give the host a little wake-up call if it helps in the long run, especially when that seems to be exactly what this cry for help is asking for. Sometimes, you need a bad cop, which is a role I will happily take.)

[Linkzelda]

Creating more tulpas to treat as sentient in order to accomplish certain tasks seems to lead to draining one's strength needlessly when strives for cooperation with existing tulpas in a person's head seems more pragmatic. In other words, instead of delegating tasks with more tulpas, taking great pains to understand how to settle those tasks with the ones the host decides to flourish with might be better. But, this isn't to say that a person has to have a certain amount of tulpas; it's just that creating more tulpas for tasks that just need a shift in disposition and sense of urgency seems quite unnecessary.

 

It seems sentimental to have a tulpa become ethics incarnate, but it ends up with either them being the exclusive entity in embodying ethic and a sense of urgency, and the host is still left having to learn how to pull their own weight, still. And even creating a tulpa just as a simulated experience to learn that sense of urgency in acknowledging a neglected tulpa seems to make what's an easy challenge to handle via acknowledgment and thoughtfulness into a first world problem.