Saylin

Our Head Shenanigans

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Mmm~ It's been too long since we've posted here, so heads up.

 

So, first of all- major changes: We have a new member named Leroy, but also found that Aaron wasn't real. At least, we're pretty sure he's not.

 

See, we're beginning to think that me hearing a response from him, and feeling him, was me expecting a response from him. As well as the fact that when I felt how "heavy" his presence was, it was simply the feeling of dissociation without anyone filling the gap I left. While I didn't want to immediately believe this, as soon as I let go of those expectations and began prodding openly, nothing happened. I've even gone in there and... nothing.

 

Keep in mind this has NEVER happened to us before, and even when I've doubted before, they've very easily been able to fight back against me. In fact, I'd doubted Leroy within this week, and his response was some of the strongest emotional bleed I'd felt in a while. So for this to go on, well.. it's life, I suppose. It made me quite sad, but we're managing.

 

I'll admit, for a while this round I'd been daydreaming and playing sims 2, limiting our overall time together- it was irresponsible of me, and led to some clashing, but we've since patched it. If anything, I was surprised how much trust some of them had in me, that eventually I'd either come around or get bored of sims. (Latter hasn't happened yet, but for now I've stopped playing due to being between a laptop switch).

 

Sen has now changed genders, and as far as we know he's happier that way. He goes by Seth now- I'll keep you posted on if that sticks, but at this point I'm fairly sure it will.

 

We actually had a moment where Andrew drifted to the front at random, today- it was weird, but we went with it. Unfortunately it only lasted briefly as.. really, there wasn't much to do and he got bored. But we're getting there!

 

OH! I almost forgot- we've had another in-system relationship develop- at least I don't think we've mentioned it...? Lance and Avery are together now. They're actually really cute together.

 

That's it, I think... If you have any questions for us, just let us know- we'll definitely get back to you.

 

 

P.S.: You won't see us much on here, but we're actually fairly active on discord- many of us even have our own accounts. So, if you ever want to message us, you can hit my main discord at Sayl#6601, or just look for us in the main tulpa chat.


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WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE HEAVILY PRONE TO DOUBT OR ARE JUST BEGINNING YOUR JOURNEY. THIS WILL CAUSE DOUBT.

 

Boy, this is going to hurt.

 

 

You know, it takes a lot to admit 'I was wrong,' especially in this community. I always worry about how we'll be judge for our actions, if we'll one day no longer meet the right 'standard' and just be doubted by everyone. I think this pushed me to believe blindly, shut those doubts out. However, I think due to this, I've been going down an incorrect path for this system for months.

 

See, I'd always tried my best to separate my "automated" characters I'd daydream about from my system. But I noticed something in my system, the more I looked at it. Some people were very present and strong- consistent, I'd get emotional bleed. But others simply faded into the background, only able to respond or focus when I focused on them directly, or they were being proxied. As if my brain was giving an expected response like those automated characters.

 

So, we did a few tests, a few metaphorical things to essentially clear whatever was just pretending to be there, or simply something my brain made up.. and so far, only 7 of the 17 I originally had known- including Aaron in the last post- were genuinely able to stay and respond to me. People we'd had for months ending up unable to respond to me.

 

In a sense, it's painful to think about because we believed these people were there, but the more I think back, the more I wonder how real they genuinely were. How many times I simply assumed sentience when said sentience wasn't there.

 

You might ask how we could have, for so long, believed in 10 people who weren't actually there. As I've said, our system tried to hold onto belief as best we can- and in a sense, because we're an open system, we wanted to love them- all of us wanted them to be real. So in essence, we had thoughtforms we believed were tulpas running around, when in the end they weren't.

 

It's also possible perhaps there were fleeting moments of sentience, and my brain simply couldn't handle as many as I thought it could leading to only a few being truly... here.

 

Am I entirely sure the other 10 weren't real? No, I'm not. But for the time being, we're going to go slowly, as all of us are hurting over this as we try to figure this out.

 

We're going to give this a few days for us to just situate ourselves and make sure of who's here and who's not. Once that's done, the system list will be updated.


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So this is a bit of an update, on our last post. I've still been tugging on what I knew to be our other system members, but have had no responses- nothing that stuck, anyway- so it's fairly safe to say we really are only an 8-person system. That's okay. Obviously it still hurts us, but we've always been a system who picks up the pieces and keeps going- I want to continue to be that, we all do, and I think they'd want us to do that if they were here with us.

 

I've updated the system list in our first post for anyone who's curious. We took a more do your own post thing for this attempt, not sure if we'll do it that way again, but it was nice letting them just talk. As for actual progress, not much has gone on, but I'll keep you updated when those things happen.

 

Something I'd like to put as a disclaimer here is don't let what happened to us make you doubt your system, it was a very strange case, and who knows, we might be wrong and they might come back and we'll laugh at this someday. But really, if you can feel them, talk to them- they're there, please believe that. Believe in them.

 

Have a good day, stay safe out there.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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Things are finally mellowing out a bit, going back to normal. I've stopped prodding for others because, frankly, due to my desire for them to be there it led to a lot of false hopes which only hurt us further- so to move on from this would be best for us. The door is still open, but I'm not going to bother trying to pull on their essences anymore.

 

Andrew and Jet especially held a lot of anger over what happened. Bitterness, as is common with the stages of grief, but we've since helped them. They seem nearly chipper today, really. Well. As chipper as Jet gets, anyway, he's kind of more of a shitposting dork but whatever.

 

The closeness feels a lot more genuine now, whereas before I always felt so far away from everything. It's nice to feel that attachment again. I also feel far less afraid when I roleplay or daydream, knowing it's nowhere near as potent as I believed it to be. So despite this, there have been some positives.

 

Kane is thinking of reinventing who he is as a person in the midst of this, but many are apprehensive regarding it as they don't want him to regret the decision if this was done rashly. For now, though, we're tentatively experimenting. He seems to like the name Aiden a lot, though we're unsure if he'll keep it. He was looking for a new form too with little luck so far, but Jet decided to go with white hair for a bit during that same process- not sure how permanent that is, but the glasses are kinda cute on him.

 

Seth is still quite happy as he is currently, but there are occasional voice and form slips, most likely due to sheer force of habit of being in that form and having that voice before. I asked, just to make sure he still is happy being like this, and his answer was yes. So, I can only hope with practice these things solidify.

 

Something I don't know if I ever mentioned here, but I'd like to re-iterate just in case is Michael's form is no longer Christmas colors. He's now taken the form of an elf of sorts, with pointed ears and blue eyes with white hair. He still dresses femininely though. Sammy has white hair too, in a braid... I'm honestly beginning to think this is a growing trend.

 

Sammy's also taken an interest in learning how to code, so we may explore that together.

 

That's all for now, will keep you posted.


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Things are going good, so far Aiden is really liking being named Aiden so we're probably gonna just roll with that. Gonna need to edit the system list and the tumblr for that one. Michael's moving his own tumblr to his own account, so that's something he'll be working on later. 

 

Andrew seems... more chipper, lately. He's always teetered on this level of bitter or happy, depending on the situation. At the moment he's happy though, and I'm happy that he's happy.

 

Jet had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday, and... Well, I'll just let him tell the story.

 

[Jet] Something I'm figuring out now is that I really suck at taking concern about myself. I've always kinda focused on what's going on with other people, or what's happening on the outside, and I really wouldn't care if I felt like shit or not. If anything, I'd think seeing myself as shit as normal or didn't really matter, hence why the system never really picked up on it too well. Doesn't help that I mix it in with the jokes.

 

Obviously I'm not gonna change who I am as a person extremely, but I am going to try and push that negativity aside a bit more. Friends have showed me I should care more about it, and that's what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll update you guys on how that goes. Who knows?

 


Anyways! Aside from that- and something not so tulpa related- things are going well in real life as well. We're over the hill in a sense, and finances will be better. I'm also going to try and get back into Active Forcing more consistently as well, we lost that a bit, and while they hang with me out here, I should hang out with them in there, too.

 

On a completely random note to complete this PR: Sammy is very cuddly. Joined me in bed last night and it was adorable.


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Things are going moderately well. We had a slight issue of Michael feeling.. unappreciated. Which, really, we don't appreciate him enough, that's a fact we're now working on- but it's getting better. Aiden really digs his new name, also, so things have been really good there, too.

 

A slight change I should discuss is Jet has recently found a boyfriend of sorts, and seems to be happy in that relationship. We're keeping out of it for the most part, but I don't think there's any need to be concerned- if anything they've brought positive changes in Jet I've been happy to watch develop. We'll just see what happens, there.

 

We've been sitting on a possible name change for our system. See, we've gone by "Eccentric Battalion" for a while, but that name was at the time to account for our large size. Considering the.. changes, recently, it doesn't feel like it fits anymore. I've kind of been leaning towards the Rosebud system, but I'm not 100% on that. If you have any thoughts or ideas on that, PM me or something.


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Since my entire life seems to now be about how much I can run my mouth online, we figured it was time I have my own account. So, hi. Merry Christmas.

 

Today was pretty fuckin' eventful, if I do say so myself. We had a Christmas Party for god knows what reason; Michael made food, it was fantastic. The rule was supposed to be no gifts, but Raymond gave everyone something anyway- even me, even though my gift was just a tux, lame. Least it ended with Raymond proposing to Andrew, so that wedding'll happen at.. some point.

 

[Raymond] Just budding in here to point out I'm well aware a "marriage" is basically just a symbolic thing, but.. that's kind of what I wanted here. Something to count as a symbol that I'm not going anywhere and he has me for as long as we're here. Anyways, the whole reason I set up the gifts to begin with was I felt we should have a nice celebration. It's been a long year with its own hardships, but we pulled through, and that isn't something everyone manages.


Right, anyways, I had a breakthrough recently. I'm alive, I know that- but I never really tried living, if that makes sense. I went through the motions in this detached kind of way with no shits given about what happened to me. If anything, I didn't think I mattered in the long run in this system. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how hypocritical it was for me to tell people to fight to be satisfied with their lives when I wasn't. 

 

So I'm working on it now, improving myself. Granted, with the help of a very special someone, but I'm trying my best. And I'm going to be happier. I'm going to push forward and make a better future, not just for myself, but for this system- not that I'll 'save' them, but I'm going to give my support.

 

I mean, I'm still going to be trash, but I'm going to be happy trash. With the help of my friends and family, I know I'll get there. And to you people out there who feel like I did- that you're not truly living your life- go out there and do it, make those changes. It'll be worth it, I promise.

 


[saylin] Hiii. Well, not much to add here save for  the fact that Sammy actually managed to take the front forcefully, last night. Of course, being Sammy he apologized profusely after, but it was amazing to see he had such potential. He's strong, when he doesn't limit himself.

 

[sammy] I think what helped me was... I wasn't thinking, if that makes sense? I just knew in that moment I didn't want her hurt, so I just.. stopped her. I didn't think about how I would do it, or if I even could, I just acted. I'm usually so unsure of myself, so this was.. strange. But I'm happy. This means I can be strong for the system too, right?


 

 

Anyways, that's basically it. Have a nice Christmas, we'll seeya around.

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Okay, we have a few things to update on.

 

For starters, we're finally fronting a bit more frequently, now. Sammy got a lot of practice yesterday, and we tested his taste, his reactions. His taste is similar to mind, but his smelling seems a bit more.. sensitive, if you will? Things that smelled fine to me were far more potent to him. We also found he was far more sensitive to the alcohol we had than I was, as he was ready to fall asleep after a tiny sip. Despite being tired, he held the front well.

 

[sammy] I also think I'm slowly getting better at becoming more assertive.. It's still really strange to me, but talking is actually fun, and I'm finding I can bring good things to a conversation. I hope this continues, especially as I begin learning Javascript on the side. I'm excited for it.

 


Aside from that, we then had a lot of fronting during a voice call with vocal possession, which had interesting results. Jet seems to not be the best fronter yet, so we're going to work on that. However, what was really interesting was merging, and then fronting. Jet and Raymond, as well as later Jet and Andrew tried this- working as one entity while fronting.

 

I'll admit that this method dissociates me far more than the typical one person fronts and backseat host, but I believe this is due to more minds working in the front seat, thus making me feel more distant. 

 

Onto the fusions themselves: Jet and Raymond had an interesting meld, were far more bold and social then Raymond is, but still somewhat more positive than Jet usually is. However, it did feel like Raymond overpowered the merge a good bit, probably because Jet is still young, despite how talkative he is.

 

Andrew and Jet, however, were more even, but far less stable. Controlling the body was difficult, senses became dulled as if they were intoxicated- and no, it wasn't the alcohol as this was hours later. I don't think I'd ever let a merge like that leave the house. That said, it was an interesting experiment, and our best bet as to why things got so crazy are because Jet and Andrew are like liquid and oil- they get along, but in many ways they're opposites.

 

Either way, we're going to work on our fronting more- but not with the merging. If anything, our goal is to get me as dissociated as I was during the merges even when there isn't one going on.


 

 

I really thought that with the current happenings, we wouldn't have anymore walk-ins, but at this point I'm just not sure. We had an intrusive thought- at least, what I believed to be one- leap out of my daydreaming an attack Raymond. The thought has since calmed down, but I still can't tell you if they're an actual tulpa or not. They've been more persistent despite the doubt, and when I explained why we doubt at the moment, they're mostly understanding about it.

 

If they can maintain themselves without being directly fed attention-wise, I'll officially introduce them as a member of the system. If not, well, I'll keep you updated.


As a final note, after thinking we finally decided to go with the name change for our system, and now will go with "The Rosebud System." It just feels right, for some reason.

 

See you soon, and have a good day.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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Things have been going quite well, despite everything.

 

The "thoughtform" has faded out on its own, it seems, so I'm not going to press it. We're still a system of 8, which is fine by me. This is solidifying the idea that unlike those here right now, most only stayed if I expected them to. Which is fine, we live and learn, I'm happy to move forward.

 

Sammy's confidence lately is skyrocketing. When in front, he managed to join a voice call on his own, and has been more willing to join other social gatherings. He's still a bit unsure of himself, but he's in a far better position than he was. We've also unfortunately found that extreme sexual imagery and violent imagery still triggers him. That's something we'll need to work on.

 

[sammy] The biggest issue is it just.. takes me back to when I was Belial, instead of who I am now. And I know it wasn't me, I was being written to do those things, but that doesn't change that it happened by my hand, and happened against my will. I've been fighting this for a while, and I've improved, but I have a long way to go, I think. Maybe I'll always have those triggers, but I hope to at least learn to... forget those memories, I guess?

 


[Aiden] On the flip side, I had my own issues, in the past couple days. My presence was growing weaker, I wasn't socializing as much.. This all boiled down to the fact that I felt lost. I used to be a massive shitposter, and since I grew out of that I didn't know who the hell I was. I felt I needed a purpose or specific use to stay in this system, and had for a moment figured I'd just fade away.

 

I had a long thought about this- I also brought it to the main discord- and realized I don't need a purpose to be here and just enjoy myself. For now I've put it behind me and will focus on doing what I want, rather than trying to be something immediately. I'm sure I'll grow into whatever I'm hoping to grow into. No worries.

 

So I guess what I can take from this and tell other tulpas is don't worry about having a purpose, or everything in life figured out. Just be yourself and remember you have people who love you.

 


 

We've been working more on dissociation, lately, and I've run into a strange occurrence. 

 

The minute I begin dissociating my thoughts by seeing the body as not my own, or that I'm just one of a collective I begin to feel myself automatically fading out, losing focus. Last time we tried this is dragged Andrew to the front, somehow. I still remain in backseat, however, but we're going to increase the amount of active forcing we do to see if associating me more with the wonderland will help with that.


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(Warning: Do not read if you have been contemplating dissipation/egocide/something similar)

 

Unfortunately this is going to be a somewhat sad update. Seth has, for the time being, decided to leave us. I'm not sure if he'll ever come back. He'd been thinking for a while he just didn't want to be here- playing with his gender had been an attempt to feel.. right, I suppose. Like he enjoyed life. And for a moment it did give him that boost, but he still felt no attachment to here, no "purpose" as Aiden had.

 

We countered that he didn't need a purpose, he could just be happy with us. And he countered back with a statement similar to, "That's the thing. I don't want to be here." It wasn't a statement out of sadness or agony, it was a statement of resolve, something he'd come to peace with.

 

The only thing really hurting him was that he was hurting us, by leaving. He originally had decided to give it a week, but after long thought, we both realized Seth had given this.. long enough. So, we let him go. He was happy to go, peaceful. It still hurt, but that at least gave us some closure on the matter.

 

If he ever wants to come back, we'll leave the door open for him. We.. loved Seth. He was family to us. I won't delete his intro right away, I want to give it time.

 


 

In other news, due to Jet finally caring about life more, he's coming to grips with something this entire system tends to- living in a female body. It's been a bit hard for him, but he's adjusting. When he actually feels like it, he'll discuss it more, but if you want a full post on the topic, look at Raymond's post here on the matter. 

 

Thank you for reading, have a good day.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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