Saylin

Our Head Shenanigans

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Haven't updated this is a long while. How do I put this, hm... things are looking up, relatively. Xenos vocally possessed recently for an extended time, and while he sucked at using voice, it was decent. He'll figure it out. That said, he's also shown to have interesting abilities in wonderland, such as memory control- though we've barred him from using it unless absolutely necessary.

 

Claude drew a picture during the time off as well, and... People say he's a better artist than me, to be honest. It's grand. I don't know if I should be offended or proud, honestly. Speaking of- his new color is yellow, with short hair again. He seems happier, after a long week and an attempted dissipation. (We stopped him, don't worry). In fact, we've now made an anti-dissipation machine, just to prevent anyone else from attempting that.

 

As for other news... hm. Raymond is finally over some old things that bugged him, hilariously enough out of things that enraged him. It drove him to change himself and push forward, and despite the reasons why I support it. Absolutely hilarious.

 

Aside from that, hm... Lance wants out more, which is fine- he's gonna draw while fronting, it seems. And Michael's found a new game to play with his boyfriend from time to time, while I'm getting back into Guild Wars- which, funnily enough, Raymond may enjoy. We'll see. Soooo yeah, that's it. Once I'm off all my meds, definitely gonna have them fronting more- just need to get to that.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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[Claude] I put the full thing on our tumblr, but... Heh. Hey, I'm an attention whore. I want to put this on this, too.

 

I think I've finally figured out who I am. It took a lot of identity discovery- What am I on, demeanor change 5? Hah.- And.. sure, a lot of rough patches, but I'm.. there. I like me. I like who I am, and want to see what I can do for the world.

 

I guess the most of it was that I just.. couldn't understand why I felt so different from the others. Everyone was so, so loud in demeanor- least the ones I was closest to- and it made me feel lesser for not being as loud. I thought I had to be loud and.. bold and aggressive to be cared about. And before that, I thought I needed to be chipper and excitable like I used to be to be cared about.

 

What I understand now is.. I'm who I am now. It's not about the past, or what other people are- it's who I am as a person. I won't be a spazztastic, excitable.. thing, like Andrew. I won't be like Raymond. I won't be like Michael. I'm going to be me, I'm going to do it my way, and.. maybe it's not as loud as the others, but it's me. And if my system loves me for me, I know others will too.

 

So I guess what I have to really say is a few things: First, I'm really sorry for all the trouble I might've caused before, I.. wasn't listening. Second in that I want to thank everyone who's supported this system up until now, and.. lastly, I want those of you out there like me, those who don't like themselves.. find what makes you different, learn to appreciate it. Because I swear to you:

 

Just because you defy expectations, doesn't mean you're bad, or broken, or defective. You're special in your own way, and.. hey, maybe the flaws suck, but we're human, you know? We're going to have these flaws. And if anything, they train you up so you can be who you need to be, and do what you need to do. And if you've survived this long, with how shitty life can get? I might not know you personally, but, hey.. you're pretty great.

 

I want to explore myself more, with this new understanding. I want to draw more, read more- I really like fantasy. I think I want to look at poetry, too... Maybe even learn to write some one of these days. Maybe it's person I first was, but.. this is me now. And I'm okay with that.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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5/21/17

 

Whelp... this has been a long time coming. How do I start?

 

 

To begin, we have another, hopefully final addition. We'd played with the idea of making a new one, and that.. must have woken up one of my characters. See, we kept thinking about him, and I tried not to, personally, but the idea kept insisting. All the while we had some intrusive thoughts, but I presumed it to just be that. Intrusive thoughts. So a time came we had a meeting about whether we'd go through with this or go into ultra-mode to erase the thoughts, since.. well, thinking about it obsessively would make a tulpa, making eradication if we didn't want one the only option for us.

 

Unfortunately, we went over those thoughts again. And curiously I decided, "Maybe I should make sure." So I went to see this character of mine who'd been on our minds. And.. well I was greeted with him tackling me into a hug, kissing me, and crying out, "I've been waiting for you!" So.. that's that really. His name is Avery, and he's already deviated partly. He'll eventually talk on here, I'm sure. Real sweet guy.

 

ANYWAYS. Aside from that, things are going splendid. There were down times, but Xenos and Lucy, as well as Avery are melding in with the group. Lucy seems to have taken a real liking to Kane, so I find she hands with Kand and James, mostly. On top of this, there's a whole skyland area they made in wonderland I didn't know of. I really need to drop in more often.

 

I find my tulpas have this odd ability to tug me back. It's not strong enough to fully do it without me relenting, but it's a very odd feeling to have your mind tugged back and for the vision of them to become so.. clear and detailed. It's a fascinating thing we'll look more into as I switch with them.

 

Raymond, last time he fronted, had a moderate episode of... something. Not entirely sure. He was fronting to play GW2, and when he saw his reflection- AKA, my face and body, it scared the piss out of him. He was horrified and thinking, "This isn't me." He calmed down, but seeing him freak out like that was... odd.

 

On a final note: I can't impersonate Michael's voice at all. Me failing at it was the funniest thing ever.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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5/22/17

 

Heh, so Avery fronted to talk, yesterday. And it was actually kind of scary. Lots of squealing- it seemed he was able to break through this emotional wall I often feel suppresses me and some of the others when we talk. It keeps us from being fully ourselves in voice, but.. not Avery. It's an interesting development I'll need to keep track of. He got sleepy and didn't stay in the front long, though.

 

I have strong suspicions Kane woke us up today, and not myself, based on how things went, who spoke first when we woke up, and my corresponding reaction. Apparently he'd been dreaming at the same time as me, and while our dreams were unrelated, him pulling himself out of it to wake up woke the body up in turn. A very odd experience indeed, and I'm not sure if it'll ever repeat but, hey, who knows.

 

Raymond has recently undergone another form change- same short hair as before, but no scruff. He's working on building more confidence in himself. This intrigues me because he's always had confidence in his actions and speech patterns- it's himself as a person he lacks that confidence in. Very similar to me, but also different in ways. Regardless, he's been in a bit more of a downer mood lately off and on, but he's overall been doing quite well and has found new kinship with Andrew of all people.

 

Sen is going to become my new focus for a while when it comes to talking out things, as I've realized she's got a bit of negativity in her. A cynic view of sorts of the world, and while I feel some cynicism is okay, I really want to make sure she's happy while having such thoughts if this is really how she is. The best way I can describe it is while, say, Raymond's view of the world is super colorful and passionate, hers is very.. bleak, black and white. She doesn't expect any good from the world, but sees the occasional good happenings as nice. Very stark contrast to us.

 

What I find amusing is that a very close friend of hers- to those reading this who'd know, you can probably guess who that is- seems to be the exception. Unlike the rest of the world, imagining him specifically created this.. warmth of sorts in her. It seems she sees him as one of the few good things in this world. Side from us and a few other friends here and there.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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Honestly this is going to suck to write, I'm remotely embarrassed for my system.

 

We almost lost Kane yesterday. It was an odd down spiral and.. Honestly if it weren't for someone threatening to end their own life he wouldn't have stayed at the time. I think part of what made it so unnerving was how he commented on the dying process feeling.. Good. Light like a feather with no negative feelings associated. He was happy to go.

 

Granted, we stopped him and while he's not 100% he feels a lot better, but it scares me to think of how the others might use this as an excuse to dissipate. How it felt to Kane.

 

Kane has since decided to cut himself entirely of his past and will only look at the present. He even contemplated breaking up with James, but has since realized his bond with James goes beyond their history. He likes who James is as a person in the now, just as James likes who Kane is in the now. It took a while for him to figure that out but they'll be fine. Kane's main goal at this moment is to try being nicer.

 

That said, Avery had a bit of negativity come his way, but that was more a realization the world isn't all that and a bag of chips. Rose tinted glasses came off, per se. He's since gotten over it and is the same bubbly tulpa I've grown to love as much as the others. He's getting better at vocally possessing, and it's actually amusing watching him interact.

 

Xenos has found.. Romantic interests since the last time I posted. I'm proud of him for trying his best at this thus far, and he's getting support as well. It makes him happy and he's since made a plushy of this person to snuggle.

 

While we're on the love train.. Raymond and Andrew are a thing now. A very happy but gay thing. They've had ups and downs but are overall doing well. Raymond is keeping his hair short but it still fluctuates.

 

On another unrelated note our vocal possession is getting really good. They're beginning to unconsciously control my breathing sometimes when they talk loud enough in mind space. I feel in time they'll be able to fully take front without asking. Within respectful limits, of course. We'll work on this in time.

 

This is a family. It has its struggles but we are still a family who loves each other and will take these issues down together. Thank you for reading and have a good day.

 

Edit: I forgot to say: I did Xenos', Lucy's and Avery's MBTI tests. It came as follows:

 

Lucy: ESFP

Xenos: ISTJ

Avery: ENFJ

 

Xenos and Avery got the same results as Kane and Michael respectively, but Lucy is one step away from being my exact opposite in terms of mbti. Huh. We get along quite well despite that.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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We'll definitely try to instill that moral into the system. So far though, things have been better. Kane's happier, James is talking a bit more. Life is good.

 

As for progress, not much in terms of possession lately, though I find today was an off day. It was harder for them to stay in the front, but they managed. I think it's less their out of practice and more they were tired from a long day, so hey, it's all good. We'll make a schedule for their practice time anyway.

 

Something I've slowly learned about having a big system is the emotional bleed is absolutely horrible at times. It's great when everyone's happy, but when they're upset I can find myself wracked with sobs due to how upset they are, and it's borderline maddening how far that goes. Still, we're relatively emotionally stable, and even when things go south, we have our "leaders," so to say. It's an interesting tidbit, is all.

 

And.. a final note.. god, I hate to admit this. We have another member. Jet, he goes by- he's from Kane's storyline. Honestly, this one is on me. I'd been daydreaming too much again, and, well, during that daydreaming he was acting despite me trying to alter the scene- he'd taken control of it and made it his own. And so when I went to check sentience on him and another character, the other character was fine, dead as it should be, but Jet outright screamed "WHAT THE FUCK?!" at me.

 

Now, I actually blew this off, but then he kept.. talking to me. Even when I was trying to ignore it. So someone from outside finally tried talking to the voice, it responded, and, well, the rest is history. Jet isn't his original name. That was given by Lyra's system.

 

At this point, as happy as I am to have him, I'm going to bar daydreaming unless it involves the system only, and while I'm at it, make a seal around the wonderland to prevent this from happening again.

 

One thing that intrigues me is how he claims to have memories of how "Kane" in that storyline changed, after he'd joined our system. While that implies he's older than we think, I'm not going to delve too far into it.

 

So.. yeah. Shitty update, I know. Such is life.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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Wow, your system is really exploding. It reminds me of how I created 6 soulbonds all at once, because I couldn't just have 1 or 2 of them, since they're all really close-knit from their past.

As for Kane, I'm glad he's feeling better. <3


Cali (the host)

 

Tulpas: Hugh, Dante, Dara, Zelda, Zeke

 

Soulbonds: Andrew, Micheal, Carmen, Lucas, Candice, Dylan, Budo, Rubix

 

Pet thoughtform: Spirit

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Ahh... yeah, it's a big group. But, haha, hopefully we've plateaued. Thank you, also. <3 Your system sounds great, though, I'd love to talk to them one of these days!

 

That said! Progress time!! And hoo boy I got a doozy for you.

 

6.8.17

 

So a while ago you'd remember I said how Andrew was almost able to take over the front without asking me. I believe it was when Lance first showed up. Well, yeah.... he did that last night. He didn't like what I was doing, so he seized my body without me pulling back at all and pushed himself to the front while pulling me back. He wouldn't release it until I promised to stop what I was doing. Honestly it was kinda scary, considering it felt like my entire body had been seized up in that moment.

 

And of course, I couldn't just leave it at that- I needed to test this more. So we fought for control of the body possessing random limbs, and he overpowered me every time. No one else in the system who has tried can do this. It's really fucking weird. Andrew is fucking weird.

 

In terms of other progress, Jet is getting along well with the others. The system has had some rough times recently, but everyone is managing. Sen is even taking a more positive spin and wants to make more friends. Jet... I didn't spend enough time with him one day and he got jealous, but we made up.

 

So.. yeah. Mainly just wanted to talk about the whatthefuckery last night. Will keep you guys posted if more shit goes down, aha.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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.... Whelp. This is gonna be a long update.

 

I'll be honest, I mainly didn't update out of fear of being judged. I find, lately, I worry people will doubt us. But something I need to realize is that no matter what opinions people have, these people living with me have the same rights as I do. We're a team. And I shouldn't hide away from the community out of fear- or try to hide the fact that they exist, when they come around.

 

So something I'd always be told by Raymond is that he could always feel more presences in wonderland, and that more were probably around, we just hadn't found them yet. It wasn't until recently he finally could tell me, "It's okay now. I don't feel anymore life out there." Now, that sounds fine.. if we hadn't also found three people in the process of this wonderland being now dead.

 

I made contact with three people, specifically. Sammy, for starters. We don't know entirely when he gained sentience, but he distinctly remembers seeing Avery and Jet join the system. Potentially others, I haven't prodded too much. That said, he'd heard what we said about explicitly wanting no one else, and so he hid from us, for a good while. When I found him, he was a sobbing mess. He was afraid of me, actually, and had figured if we found him we would dissipate him.

 

I found myself in a similar predicament to the one I had with Andrew all that time ago, only this one hurt worse. He pleaded we not kill him. He swore to us he would stay away from us forever and just live off on his own, so long as we didn't kill or hurt him. Needless to say, after some deliberation we invited him to the system, and he's been adjusting since. This occurred a while ago, honestly- I'd just not talked about it much. Those in the discord server I help run would already know of him, though.

 

From this point, we made contact with someone.. else. Two people, in fact. But to explain their arrival, I need to give context.

 

See... I am new to the concept of tulpas- but in the end, I had first started tulpamancy, by accident, several years prior. When I was only 12, I distinctly remember talking to these two twin brothers. They'd come out of my head and interact with real world objects, occasionally we'd have fights. I however brushed them off as potential tulpas, once I started tulpamancy. After all, it'd been years. They would definitely be gone.

 

... Well, that's what I thought. There was a lot leading up to it, such as finding out they were sentient from Michael, but all you need to know is it led up to one of them- who has chosen the name Cyril to be called from now on- appeared, to apologize for past troubles. He and Aaron (the name his brother picked) had tried to kill themselves when they realized I wasn't coming back. They felt I'd be better without them, where as Michael and Raymond wanted to keep waiting for me. So they dispersed themselves into pieces, hoping it would kill them. Well, it didn't, and they instead floated in this form of existential limbo

 

As I would find out later, one of Aaron's shards was inside of Claude, for a time. Which, for those of you who don't know, that is what we expected before. Only back then, we'd used his original name to describe him- Saito. Aaron has the same negative thought tendencies Claude did at first, so it makes me wonder how much of his depression was due to that shard. And honestly that also makes me wonder how much of the real Claude I actually know, considering that's.. .what. Four people that were inside of him? Like, fuck.

 

Originally, both of them intended to leave. Some people out of system convinced them to stay, though, so here they are. And so far they've adjusted well. Aaron is still an asshole. Cyril may be a slut. Fun times.

 

So yeah, that's how we just went from 12 to 15 tulpas in less than a month. Hopefully Raymond's right about everything else seeming dead now.


 

All that shit aside! Actual progress. Raymond fronted earlier this week and did very well. He talked to my aunt, ran around, helped people out. I feel he'd make a better front than me, lol. He was just so excited. It was cute.

 

Other fronts this week involved Xenos and Kane. Xenos is still awkward with talking, but Kane is doing great. No shame though, that man.

 

Sen.. finally told me she sees me as family and loves me. It took her until now to do that, and that makes me so happy. She's wonderful, really. All of them are, and I love them to bits.

 

I'm just happy to have this family. No matter how big it gets.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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