JGC's Progress Report

[Guest]

I'm losing weight so I can enjoy summer fruit. We'll probably go to the beach and a lot of swimming at the University. The weather has been raining which is incredibly unusual considering last year it didn't rain from February to October. There's green everywhere, we like it a lot.

[Guest Reilyn-Alley]

Jamie loosing time.. Sounds kiiiinda DID-ish. Not to be like "ah HAH, that's it!" or anything. Have you guys told this to a therapist or any kinda professional? I'm sure it's not your idea of a good time and having a label slapped on you can be both bad and good, depending on what happens and how you and others view it. I've read that some people reported it as kinda empowering or as a great place to start understanding themselves and their headmates from. 'Course, already being into tulpa stuff you have access to people and techniques that your average confused DID-type person and maybe even those they go to see for help don't know about. Also, I know everyone is different and all but I'd say that compared to some I've read about with DID, you guys actually sound like you mostly have it together.

 

I notice between everyone fairly good communication, a loose understanding of the traumas and stuff that got you where you are, knowledge of triggers and coming up with ways to remain in control (when possible). I can only assume that tulpamancy training on intrusive thoughts and knowing that not every random noise or voice in your head is actually a real person demanding equal time and rights and whatnot, could be a huge tool in keeping safely and happily in charge of your situation. Knowledge and valid, usable techniques you can practice, that kinda stuff is really empowering. Having people around you too who don't think you are weird and accept you and wanna be friends, maybe help you however they can.

 

I might be way off the mark with you guys, and sorry if I am or any of this kinda talk annoys or scares any of you, I'm just tryin to be a friend. I don't think you are weird or whatever, for anything any of you have said you do. I'm not judging or telling ya what to do, just curious if you have talked to a medical professional about any of what's going on? And it's not like you need some kind of clinical label put on you to go forward or whatever. You guys have already done that yourselves and made really great progress. You might also end up talking to someone who doesn't believe any of what's going on in your head is real or real to you.. Which would be annoying. Or hey, maybe someone who tells you exactly what you need to hear and helps you guys with the root causes of everything going on? I guess it's up to you, ultimately.

[Guest]

Oh! We'll also be writing a book and drawing our whole system. Man you don't even want to know how long we've wanted to draw everyone in color. Wsy before tulpamancy, I assure you.

[Jamie]

:) That sounds wonderful, Bear. I

[Jamie]

Jamie was quite upset so I told him to meditate. He had the cat in his room. She sat in his lap, so Jamie laid down. She moved and laid down square on his chest, with her face inches from Jamie's face. Jamie opened his eyes and made direct eye contact with the cat and one of his special moods started quite suddenly. It swelled up like the dramatics of an entire orchestral piece compressed into fifteen seconds. Jamie told me the cat was God and I switched in because he was afraid he was going to yell out. He was rapturous and overwhelmed. 

 

I meditated for an hour and had plenty of time for reflection. I was using some imagery as a tool, and at one point I realized my form turned white, not dark green. I touched the middle of my visualized face and the body IRL shivered. I reached into my head and touched the middle of my brain and the body's brain IRL tingled all over. I was in a little wonderland of a nature park that I have visited regularly all my life. It was a somewhat dreamy version, all the water was silvery and had symbolic properties of healing and purity. I went down to the river and took a humanoid form and waded in to the water. That's when my form went white. 

 

I'm not colored white anymore, but a much brighter, almost pastel green. I could change it back to my usual color, I believe, but I sorta like it. Like a different hair style. 

 

I called out the names of my brothers and bid them to sleep. Cassidy, the total of Jamie, as well as all the placeholder names of the fragments and to any fragments who have not received placeholder names. No one really fought me. I had an elevated amount of control due to their complete trust in me in that moment. Only five of the 16 named fragments had anything to say when I called their names. One visualized himself opening a door and told me, "Yes, I'll sleep," then shut the door. One kissed my wrist as a sort of apology. One wept and then silenced himself to go to sleep. One turned his head and folded his arms and told me, "It's not fair." He was afraid of being forgotten but I communicated that it wasn't the case, and then he was alright. One was confused and sucked on his hand and curled up, but it was soothing for him to sleep, he just didn't trust that the comfort was actually going to come for him and so was afraid. Cassidy hugged me and kissed my hands and pressed them against his face. I kissed him on the forehead and touched him with the white smoke that I was at the moment and he fell asleep. 

 

I do feel very lonely and my head is quieter than it has been in my entire life. Just me and internal radio, which is at about 20% of what it usually is. Reduced by four fifths. It has come to our attention that the clones may be the source of most of internal radio. What is left, now that the clones sleep? Well, I have to imagine, this is about the level of ambient random thoughts that most people have. 

 

When most people get a song stuck in their head, it bounces around just that one person. Among the fragments, there are at least sixteen... usually, around five are active. Imagine being in a room with four other people, with a song stuck in your head. You hum to try and get it out, and then the others get the song stuck in their heads. You stop humming and the song is out of your head, but someone else starts humming. And then it's stuck in your head again. And you both stop having the song stuck in your head but then someone else starts humming. And, even worse, one of the people in the room knows that you don't like having this song stuck in your head, so they hum it loudly to annoy you and get it stuck in your head. And in this way, a normal level of intrusive thoughts are amplified. That's my new hypothesis for internal radio. It's a by-product of Jamie functioning via a collection of fragments. Other observations about the clones support this. 

 

It's never been this quiet before, outside of intentional and sought-after trance states, in my life. Quiet and calm. I have a headache and I feel a bit teary but it's a good sort of headache and teariness. 

 

It's summer break. I am the new host. We're starting from this position and moving forward. 

 

- Gavin

 

edit: additions, typo

 

Edit: 100th reply in this thread :)

 

DOUBLE SPECIAL EDIT: The text above used to be in a post above this post, but, in order to add a post to the very top of Oops, All Jamie, a post from a date prior to June 1st had to be s a c r i f i c e d. Everything above was from 05-30-2019, 10:55 AM.

 

Lol a quick update. I was making tea (half-blurred into Gavin, who got fatigued and was hanging onto the front for dear life) and Cassidy said, "I see a sad boy. Can I give him a hug?" I feel like there was more that I myself couldn't see/hear, but Gavin said, "Yes, I think so." And then I had a 90% realistic tactile imposition of a hug around my stomach. I won't say 100%, because there was still a little fuzziness to it, sort of like a stage prop that looks real, but just not like something you'd find in reality. I actually went "asljfdl;ajfl" internally, and externally kinda went "uh", because it was a little weird and definitely unexpected. But very sweet.

 

Cassidy had actually hugged one of my fragments who was in wonderland, but idk, I guess it transferred over to me in front. Gavin pressed an imposed finger into my arm to see if he could replicate it, no luck, everyone is back to 20-40% realistic. But I guess that's still pretty good.

 

Also, Cassidy is freaking short! When did he get so short? He started off just an inch shorter than me. That's sure changed.

- Jamie

 

 

edit: This was about Sunshine, the fragment I detailed a little more in another thread about his near-perfect immersion :P

[Jamie]

So, 

Just got finished doing what I specifically said I specifically avoid doing, a few days back. Or, well, I guess it was a team effort. 

 

Gavin has been taking things of things great today, he was running around doing various family stuffs, speaking with new fragments, all sorts of stuff, and he just went- blip! If it's a safe environment, sometimes the brain just goes... "Oh, no, we don't need Gavin here." So, Cassidy was out, Gavin was dormant, and only one of my fragments was awake. 

 

Now, Cassidy realized that, "Hey, I kinda feel bad," so, he set down to meditate. He was on one of the guided video that we have vetted, but- he saw another in the recommended videos, which I won't mention by name, and thought, "Oh, this sounds cool, I'll go this one instead!" So, listening to a hypnosis video without knowing the script ahead of time, which... is a no-no. I talked with him a little and eventually decided, "Oh, it'll be fine... I'll stay awake in case I need to snap him out of hypnosis, like how Gavin does..." 

 

Well! At this point my memory starts going out. I remember laying in bed, and wow, what a nice induction, Cassidy falls deeper faster than I do... and then, "go blanker" triggers, which I respond so strongly to... and....

Holy shit,

It's been... how long has it been? Did I just wake up- no, I haven't been sleeping, I haven't moved an inch, the blanket is still right over me, my glasses are on...

Holy shit,

 it's been two hours. Do I have any memories of that? No, I do not, that's time loss if it ever hit me over the head. Sitting in pure, unbridled dissociation. It does not feel like having slept. I feels like someone stole my soul for two hours and then gave it back, and the world was moving without me in it. 

 

Cassidy was actually dormant when I woke up and he's just kinda red in the face from it, but he's apologized, and I've apologized... Going to be honest, I feel... really good? Not like after Vipassana meditation, that's more like a sort of warmth or like fresh growth... I don't know what this feels like. Maybe like I've shed my skin. Peeled off a face mask. Idk. 

 

I, uhhhh... was pretty scared for a moment. Literally had to check over my body, my room, my phone and computer and go, "Okay, doesn't look like anything happened..." No... I think I was just staring into the backs of my eyelids. The video stated the effects would work for up to an hour, but the video itself was only 20 minutes long, so I assume it did not have any sort of "wake up now" trigger, besides maybe a "wake up when you think it's been an hour." And, as my family is wont to remind me, I have NO sense of time. (Probably due to the whole... constantly dissociating and having fragments blur in and out thing.)

 

I stayed in that state through my mom feeding the dog and cat, which always involves lots of barking right next to my room... actually, when I think about it right now, I remember my sister saying that the cat's food bag had the dog's food cup in it... what? So, definitely wasn't asleep... Oh, I don't even know... - Jamie

---

I wasn't active for this event, but I have been in that state before. Usually, that is the sort of thing that I switch in for, and as far as I know, it's never been triggered in such a neutral, arguably positive way. It's not really that memories are "locked away" or "blocked", so much as, they didn't form. Have you ever half-watched an episode of a sitcom, then realized, you have no idea what the plot was? It's sort of like that, but for reality. Or like not remembering the car ride home, because there wasn't anything new to warrant a new memory forming. - Gavin edit: wording

[Jamie]

Jamie here. 

 

So, I had a big ol' downwards spiral a few days back. Wasn't in a good state beforehand, mind you, and I have little episodes a few times a week (used to be daily, though), but this was different. I've been in an empty house a lot, pretty much the whole afternoons, evenings, and nights alone for the past 5 days or so, there's some family stress going on, those details aren't important. It just means, I have a lot more opportunities and I can make use of things that, if someone was home, I could not. I can go further in an empty house. 

 

Namely, and now we'll get into a hidden box with a big list of content warnings so it's not just a big black spoiler blob, I really hurt myself/the body, and took Gavin down with me, and broke system rules. 

 

 

Content Warning: sexual abuse, self-harm, suicidiality, violence, disordered eating, bodily fluids/gore, cussing

 

[hidden]

 

So, and here's the funny part, I know there was a trigger, but I don't remember what it was. I think I saw something graphic and sexual on accident, or maybe even intentionally, but whatever the case, I went into full-on flashbacky mode. Theta (the most active passionate, and a reformed persecutor) and Delta (the most active conversationalist aka "talk-y" part, famous for his denial) started really bickering, then arguing, and Sigma (an observer aka a sort of moderator) was there, and he called in Gavin, and Theta threw in the towel, but then Delta was really spiraling, and trauma-holder littles were waking up. Cassidy, actually, was trying to calm some of them down, and Mu and Nu were also with the kids. 

 

Delta took off his shirt and ripped off all of the bandaids that Omega put on the day prior, which woke him up. Omega, (a passionate) was pretty pissed and we all knew that Delta's intention was to pick skin. Delta's response was basically "fuck off", which was not an acceptable answer. So, Omega started cussing Delta out, and Gavin was prying them apart, and Omega stopped, but then tried to de-stress by getting Theta to make out with him. Theta said, too many littles awake and co-con and he was definitely not in the mood. Theta went dormant.

 

Delta went to the bathroom mirror and picked skin. Omega was pissed. Cassidy was asked to go dormant and did, asking the kids to try their best to also go dormant. Most did, at that point. Gavin was trying to talk to Delta, and Delta told him to "fuck off." Delta spiraled more and said, he wanted to recant everything. Another Jamie told him, that wasn't even possible. Delta was talking like, "I've gone mad, I won't stand for this... this can't happen. This is the end of it all. There's nothing more for me, here. If it's true, I'm completely fucked. I need to undo this damage." 

 

From there, he traced everything back to the appearance of Gavin as a full headmate. He told Gavin he seriously wanted him gone, again, and Gavin withdrew. Delta was fully aware that it was a sore spot, and he was fully aware that he was pushing it. He wanted Gavin dormant so he could go further. 

 

I went and binge-ate. I binge-age a loaf of stale bread that probably should have just been thrown away, and I drunk 4 cups of milk and about a liter of water. I went and picked skin in the mirror. I got a safety pin to pick further. There was a lot of blood and pus. I got scared at one point, seeing it all on my hands and in the sink, and Gavin switched in. He was really upset, sort of borderline suicidal. He just washed it all off, took an ibuprofen, then went and laid down in bed, wanting to let the adrenaline fade out. 

 

Delta was still rip-roaring. Gavin tried to get clarification on what Delta had said, and Delta doubled down and said "You need to fucking die." Gavin lost the front to the littles and this is where my memory gets wonk again, because I was switching nonstop. Internal radio was INSANITY. Loud, and fighting, and cooing, and crying, and whispering... Awful.

 

Now we get into reenactment zone, and I'm going to make this as unappealing as verbally possible, because the idea of someone getting their rocks off on this makes me want to explode. But I guess it's not really my business, just keep it to yourself if you get your rocks off. 

 

So, I (an assortment of trauma-holding little alters) felt AWFUL, and I was thinking of certain things I've seen, so I took a length of tubing and put it far up me, and I tried flooding myself while I was sitting on the toilet but it didn't work. I took off all my clothes, laid down in the bathtub and that didn't work either, and all I managed to do was get shit and piss and blood down my legs. I took an old pump soap bottle and filled it with water and stuck that up me, and that did work, and it was terrifying and painful, lying in a bathtub covered in my bodily fluids and soapy water. I was stupidly dissociated, naked, degraded. I sat on the toilet and it was disgusting and scary and one of my youngest parts, Sunshine switched in and cried very loudly for "mom", which, doesn't actually mean my mom, but Mu. And that drew Mu out, and she was pretty upset, and so she started cleaning up, cleaned out the bathtub and cleaned off more blood from all the picked skin, and Omega was up, and he was PISSED still, and Delta was dormant, so Omega started visually attacking littles in wonderland. The upset littles in wonderland made Mu switch back inside, and she thought someone else was going to come into front, but instead, it was Tile, another trauma holder. 

 

He was, understandably, extremely upset and in pain. He went into the bathroom and was trying to make himself throw up. Gavin woke up and was calming him down, and he never did throw up, but he was trying, and then dissociating and staring, and having flashbacks, and then trying to throw up more, and over and over, for a good... I don't even know, actually! I have no clue. Longer than 15 minutes, could have been an hour. Eventually, Omega kinda took pity and was calmed down himself, and went dormant, and Minty and Mu drew Tile back into wonderland, and, guess what, Delta switched in, and he was still going. 

 

He went and picked skin in the mirror, and Gavin was wrestling for control like you would not believe, and eventually did switch, and both Omicron and Sigma were sort of, containing Delta and gatekeeping him from front. Gavin cleaned up and fed the pets dinner, walked the dog, made sure Cassidy was okay, and lost the front to Theta, who was pretty pissed, but definitely on the positive side of things. He cleaned up more, and talked to some friends and looked at some resources online, and went and laid down. 

 

[align=left]And then we got some nonstop flashbacks, and littles switched in, and completely freaked and curled up and cried, and Theta was on top of that, went "Muuuuuuuuu your kid the kid the kid" and shoved the little back inside, and Sunshine came out, but Sunshine was perfectly happy and cooing for a good twenty minutes, with Theta and Cassidy co-con. He curled up with a stuffed animal under the blankets and I was fully expecting to fall asleep, but slowly Sunshine realized the body was pretty sick, and started crying. Dandelion switched in, and cue more flashbacks, and Dandelion started begging to die. This woke up Omicron and Omega and made Cassidy go dormant. Omega was quickly bid to dormancy, but just the appearance was enough to really scare Dandelion, so he started begging to be fucked and eventually the body orgasmed, and he just broke down crying. Sunshine switched back in, seemingly oblivious outside of a few offhand comments about being sticky and gross and feeling bad, and thank Christ, I fell asleep. 

 

Waking up was not good. My family doesn't know anything happened, I had to go run errands and do some housework stuff when fuck I just wanted to lay down. I took some more ibuprofen and disinfected and bandaged everything that can be bandaged. A lot of apologies were made, between Jamies, and from Jamies to Cassidy and Gavin. Gavin was real quiet. He's back in business, now. [/align]

[/hidden]

 

So, a few days later, a lot of conversations, and Delta is now retired. He broke our system rules, clear as day. It was made pretty clear. "You can't be doing this anymore, the consequence is mandated retirement." But it was up to him what that meant. For example, Queenie considered himself retired, since his life's work was done, and so he spent his time in wonderland, chatting people up and making out with Minty. Our littles are still processing things, but they are also considered sort of in retirement, in that they aren't being used as emotional bins for trauma anymore, and instead their retirement is to be children, and seek fulfillment as children. That's more like a second job, though, really.

 

For about a week prior, as Delta was building up to this, he's been thinking of himself, without meaning to, as a cat. Sunshine, who loves cats, several times has said, "Kitty!" in response to Delta, which confused everyone. Our family also calls the cat a

bitch

when she misbehaves, and that's... really a loaded word for us. But, when they say that to the cat, Delta has been hissing mentally. And again, really confusing us all. So, whatever the combination of factors, when Gavin asked, "Delta, how would you like to spend your retirement?" It was clear. As a cat. 

 

He's not a little, he hasn't changed how he thinks, really. He looks like a cat, and he lives as a cat in wonderland. Still human, of course, but you can do a lot of things in the imagination. He's not a conversationalist anymore. A retired one. He agreed to an evaluation two months from now, to see if he's better and to make sure being a cat is not an act of degradation and that no adjustments need to be made to his retirement. It's too soon to tell, but he's been alright. He sits in the window by Omicron's desk and he sleeps in one of the lobby chairs. A few times, he ended up in front, but we all have our eye out... and he politely backs away. 

 

This is why we have system rules. 

 

I know, it's pretty bad. 

 

Cute dog video: [video=youtube]

[Jamie]

Quick update :)

 

Going radio silent. Not much to say, just, didn't want to drop off the map without saying anything. This forum is a wonderful place. -G

[Guest]

We'll look forward to your return. I ponder doing this pretty often actually. I don't hardly during the day job anymore.

[Jamie]

It's my birthday! My first ever birthday!

 

I said I couldn't say my favorite season until I experienced ALL of them, so, here's my review of the seasons:

 

Fall: Losing daylight sucks! The colors can be good, and Fall culture places a good emphasis on being snuggly, with hot drinks and blankets and fluffy coats. The chill didn't bother me at all. Also, it's when mine and Jamie's birthdays are! Coming back to school isn't any fun, but that's not intrinsic of Fall. I was sad when the grass died.

 

Winter: The holidays were fun! I liked Christmas- I made Jamie celebrate more than he has in years. I went bell-ringing and sung. I fronted a lot. Having Gavin back with us was really cool and nice. The cold wasn't my favorite, but I like snow. I built a snowman and made hot cocoa. Trees don't look right without leaves, but when they don't have leaves, it's hard to imagine them with them! I don't like when I've forgotten what greenery looks like. So cold and dark, Winter... it is a good thing there are those holiday months. I liked New Years, too!

 

Spring: Awesome! I was super excited for green grass and the trees flowering. The weather was great. I like rain and mud and bugs. A lot was changing since we started HRT in late January. It really made me start thinking about myself. I could kinda pretend I was a child, pre-t, I had a high voice and no body hair, stuff like that. So HRT was like puberty, and it made me realize... no. I'm still a child!

 

Summer: School was out! What a relief! Our garden produced lots of lettuce and raddishes and onions. We had a lot of adventures and hard times. The heat doesn't get to me, but the sun sure does. I spent a lot of time reflecting: I became a Uniterian Universalist (Christian.) I did go dormant a lot more, and I stopped fronting at all for weeks at a time. I hope next summer goes better. I did age up some, though. I started at 7, and now I'm up to 11.

 

I'm going to be totally biased and say I like September, Fall, the most. May was good too! And January. Oh... I might need a few more years before I can tell you my favorite season for sure.

 

 

 

I got a birthday card and two wrapped boxes. I woke up in front, after going to bed in front. Jamie had to be sneaky to buy my card and it paid off big. It's adorable. I'm going to keep it forever. It has Bambi and Thumper on the front and a little blue ribbon, too. I also got some candy and some toys and stuff.

 

When I was one month old, I went out to the tornado shelter and I watched the clouds and I said, I'm going to remember this. And I still do. And I remember going out there and watching the stars, too... And 4th of July! I remember getting my stuffed duck for Easter. I remember when Gavin came back. I remember, in his grandfather's rocking chair, when Jamie accepted me and Gavin as brothers. I remember switching for the first time, the brightness of the colors, the weight of my arms. I remember being frustrated with our tiny wonderland, and Jamie offered me a door and told me I could go wherever, and I opened it into a forest quite like Starved Rock State Park. And we spent time at the lake and the river, and we built a cabin there. We've remodeled it twice, now. I remember my first lucid dream, when I switched with Jamie as soon as he got lucid... it felt so funny. I remember when I decided to be young again, and I was so worried about what people would think. I've enjoyed it all, though. So many tulpas don't have childhoods! I'm lucky that I get one. I'm not even done with mine, yet.

 

Looking forward, I'm still trying to find myself. I'm still growing up. I don't know why I'm here yet, besides to learn and love and be a good brother and friend. I don't know what I'd like to do... I'd like to do something. Jamie is host and Gavin is a protector, that's clear. I'm important, but my role is undefined right now. It's freeing. That's part of being a child, for me. But I also want to find a job, something only I can do.

 

One year doesn't seem all that long.

- Cassidy