JGC's Progress Report

[Guest]

Practice and repetition, that's how we did it. I still don't feel like I can 'make it happen' but it has gotten much more consistent and more frequently correct over time.

 

[Dashie] we can tell when it's active, and we just start talking normally, it pretty darn spotty sometimes.

 

For voice, i clear my mind and ask them to talk, they don't use the mindvoice, but that doesn't mean they can't. Sometimes the audio is layered on top of the mind voice, usually it's totally separate, that's why I call it a seperate channel. They can overlap and be saying different things when they're not synced. I ask questions, they answer and sometimes they start speaking over me, it's rare, but it has happened several times.

 

That's besides the point, just do what you did above, it's not always going to work correctly or completely, but it does work better over time.

[Jamie]

Gavin here. It's my third day switched out. Yesterday got rough in the evening but today I've had a blast being out. I've been running errands and both Cassidy and Jamie have intermediately been keeping me company. For the first and second day, keeping my own internal monologue without either of them involved was confusing and I felt like I couldn't think straight and my mind kept drifting back to one of three things, but today I haven't had that problem. I'm invested in actually interacting with the world around me, not advising someone else on how to interact. I am no longer a middleman. 

 

We've had some adorable conversations and I just had to write some down. Everyone's agreed these are fine to share. The more personal ones... well, those are for private safekeeping ;) Keep in mind a lot of this was tulpish that I have translated over, so it's  more wordier than the conversations actually go. Every back-and-forth interaction takes only a few seconds, all of these happened in under a minute. 

 

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(Trying on clothes) 

[J] Why are you so happy? I'm usually sick of this by the fifth t-shirt I can't stand. I know you've having luck with the shopping, but still, you shouldn't be happy to be sweaty and changing in and out of clothes. When I try on clothes, all I can think about is how uncomfortable I am. 

[G] Well, all the [J's] compliments have been helping. 

[J] What are you saying? 

[G] If all you think about is how uncomfortable you are, all you'll remember is an uncomfortable experience. I'm thinking about all your compliments and how nice these clothes are. Positive self-talk will improve your emotional quality of life. 

[J] I've been accused of negative self-talk. I can't believe him. Is it true? (He gets quiet to process it, and decides, yes) 

A debate quietly won! It was great. 

 

(I smile at a toddler. The parents follow her eyes, see me, and smile at me.) 

[J] What in the hell are you doing? 

[G] Smiling? 

[J] Why? 

[G] To make people happy. Everyone got happier. I'm happier. 

[J] (Half-jokingly incredulous) I can't believe what you're doing with my body. 

[G] And you can't stop me! 

I smiled at one baby, one toddler, and two small children. Twice, the parents also saw and smiled at me. And I smiled at store clerks and salespeople and basically everyone. What, are they going to tell me to stop it? No, they all smiled back. 

 

(Waiting for sister to finish shopping in another store, I wandered around a Hallmark. I was looking at a mug.) 

[G] Oh, this is pretty. It's tempting to buy. 

[J] You can get it if you want. It's your money today. 

[G] I have mugs I already like. I don't need any more. Besides, it's better not to excessively collect material things. 

[J] (Slightly proud) I don't usually hear minimalism out of you. 

Well, I'm not usually tempted or in the position to spend money. I do like it when Jamie is proud of me. He's so devious about it.

 

(I've already sprayed three types of men's perfume on my hands and wrist.) 

[J] Are you going to try all of them? 

[G] Yes. (I spray the fourth perfume on my hand too slowly for it to mist, so it just dribbles all over the back of my hand.) 

[J] You're uncouth. 

[G] Haha GOOD SMELL PERFUME

[J] I can't believe you. 

[G] Holding my having-fun against me? So rude. 

[J] Phbbbt

It's hard not to laugh sometimes. 

 

(While trying on clothes, my hip gives out and I catch myself against the wall of the dressing room.) 

[J] The hell? And then he wiped out. What if you fell badly? You're not wearing pants. 

[G] I didn't wipe out and I didn't fall! 

[J] And the pants? 

[G] Well, that's true. 

 

(While in the car, with mom driving) 

(I open a bottom cubby that's filled with old cassettes.) "We love these!" 

[G] Whoops

[J] Gavin wth

[C] (Uninhibited) I do! Play John Denver please. 

Mom didn't notice. I figure she interpreted "we" as "you and I" since she those are her father's cassettes. It's the first time I've made a slip-up like that. I played John Denver and it was great. It's something that all of us remember and regard only with fondness. 

 

[video=youtube]http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqjdoOmZE9s

I've come more in touch with the instinctual drive all of JGC seems to have to seek out the quiet of nature, to long for it deeply and sorrowfully. We all have the mental capability to cloister up and want to go live in the woods away from all other humans, a base desire, even. Artificial noise is sometimes unbearable. The voice of nature is easily understood. There is something in us all that wants to reject all of modern living that causes us pain, and to retreat to what's seen as a truer, more natural state. Do I want to puke our guts out from water-borne disease and freeze to death in the winter? No, but the heart doesn't understand these matters. 

 

Does anyone else ever feel like mourning the urbanization of society and the loss of a central connection to nature, despite the increase in quality of life that human technology brings? As in, you know you couldn't even make it, living in the woods, and you like medicine and chocolate bars and paved roads and the internet, but you also feel like living in modern society has deprived you of something that humans are supposed to have? Sometimes I think of feral cats. Their lives are hard and short but you get the feeling, that cat is really living. They don't seem to have any regrets about the whole affair. 

 

 

(At the grocery store)

[C] Pssst, I want to overlay-visualize so I can mess with stuff on the selves. 

[J] You [Me, G] cannot break into laughter.

[G] You [C] probably can't mess around in that case, you're too funny. 

[C] I'll hold your hand? 

[G] Perfect! 

It was nice and discrete. I wasn't pushing the cart so I had a hand free, nearly the entire time. Very sweet gesture. I do miss sitting with Cassidy in wonderland and I bet he does too. 

 

(Walking in the mall, I see two girls my age and I notice one's wearing a nice lace top.)

[G] Do you see that shirt? I love the material. 

(The girl notices and protectively grabs the other girl's hand and pulls her closer. I believe they were a couple by their behavior.) 

[J] (Extremely amused) Crap, Gavin, they thought you were checking her out. 

[G] Oh no... Her shirt just caught my eye. This was much easier when you didn't look like a guy. 

[J] (Sardonic) We all have to make sacrifices. 

[J] I just realized how gay that interaction was. 

Women do treat me differently now that I pass as male. It really isn't acceptable to be admiring shoes or hairstyles or eye shadow like it used to be: men aren't expected to admire those things, they're expected to be looking with a different intent. But I was raised to see the beauty in female-coded things- I know what well-applied lipstick and quality lace look like, I don't know the first thing about expensive shoes or watches and I don't especially care to learn. 

 

(At the grocery store, an older women passes by me in an aisle, looks at me for several seconds, and finally narrows her face in disdain and hurries away.)

[G] Ouch. 

[J] I'm mad as hell. 

[G] Twice in one full day of running around? That's alright. I wish I remembered to smile at her. 

[J] Still mad. 

[C] Are you going to be mad when we get home? 

[J] ...Probably not. 

[C] Good. 

Getting clocked by strangers is always painful. It's not really equivalent to anything I can tell someone who isn't trans. Maybe like being with a same-sex partner and getting looks, but when you're a same-sex couple in public, you understand that people are going to know you're a same-sex couple. When someone in public either realizes you're trans, or in our case perhaps thinks you're really, really butch, and gives you that special look of "I don't like your kind", it also feels like a personal failure. 

 

(Getting ready to go run one of the errands, while Jamie is mentally active) 

[J] (Compulsively narrating) And, despite the clear-to-see helpfulness and joy he's brought into my life, he still think he's doing a bad job of hosting. He spends time worrying about it, but it's got no merit- I think he's doing a wonderful job hosting. 

[G] Aww, sweet. 

[J] (Bashful) Shut up. 

Heheh. Bashful Jamie. 

 

And I'll end the story-telling here. How sweet. I'm dog-tired now but I did a lot. Still more to do... but plenty of time. And there's ice cream in my near future! I don't believe I've had ice cream, myself. Hopefully it's better than sherbet, which I found disappointing. 

 I'm nervous to see if I'm able to draw: neither myself or Cassidy have actually drawn, though Cassidy has finished up paintings. Will there be a stylistic difference? I doubt there is one now, but we do process things differently, so with time we'd probably organically develop individual styles, especially if we studied from vastly different materials. I don't really have a passion for it like Jamie, though. I just want to doodle some of these scenes out. 

 

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[Guest]

Interesting internal dialog there. I bet the old person would have given you a sour puss just for having short hair, or wearing tight jeans, or a nose ring, or whatever. Some people just like to give sour pusses.

[Jamie]

As a child, did you ever have fantasies of money to buy everything you wanted at the toy store, or bookstore, or maybe just the aisle of the Walmart with all the cool toys, where you'd gawk for a little too long? For me it was the zoo gift store, where I'd be given a 5 dollar allowance and I'd buy candy sticks or tiny glass animals. 

 

https://i.etsystatic.com/13538905/r/il/a20f18/1478416368/il_794xN.1478416368_trj2.jpg[/img]

We kept them in their little colored foil boxes, and kept the tiny foil boxes (each the size of a thimble) in an empty coffee jar along with some tissue paper. 

 

 

This morning Cassidy was frightened due to exigent events in the household, and so Gavin and I had been trying to cheer him up. I went to Micheal's with a sizable amount of my savings in my pocket and a list that read:

• Mop brush
  
• Fan brush
  
• Two rounds
  
• Liner
  
• Pencil case
  

So, thoroughly caffeinated (this was a factor), I was doing loops around Micheal's and Cassidy was having the time of his life. I guess that's one benefit of being child-minded. Everything, from the ribbons and baskets to the fairy-garden miniatures to the yarn, was absolutely fascinating to him. He's been to Micheal's before, but this was different. Gavin and I were aware he was close to the front, but I didn't realize how close until I found myself staring hopefully at a wall of wooden paint-it-yourself toy kits, with Cassidy hoping to find a snake like the one I lost in a Denny's when I was 7. Alas, only a hooded cobra, which is "not the same," and a salamander, which is also "not the same." 

https://sc01.alicdn.com/kf/UT84f.LXk8XXXagOFbX1/DIY-WOODEN-WIGGLE-SNAKE.jpg_350x350.jpg[/img]

I always got my fingers pinched between the joints (ow) but I loved how it moved and how it sounded.

 

I would be interested in getting some sort of heart or vitals monitor or something, and comparing the body's physical states between us three. I was cold at first in the store, but after Cassidy was arguably in front, I was literally wiping sweat off my face. He has always run hotter than us two. Cassidy was also making the body slightly nauseous, which coffee always does to him. I think it would be fair to say... he was probably excited and probably reacting much more to the caffeine than I was. This was a total fantasy situation for him. I think I was in Gavin's chair and I was the one saying, "No, put that down, you don't need that." and "Hey, acknowledge the store clerk." I recall Gavin chuckling internally at several points at this dynamic reversal. 

 

All the items he bought are items of beauty and functionality. I have no qualms with what he's bought: it's exactly what I've been needing, and he knew exactly when to shoot for quality, and when to go for the bargains. I had two dollars of change, and now own: 

• All the brushes I wanted to get
  
• A slightly larger case with a handle and a removable tray (it's perfect ;_; )
  
• 6 fat skeins of yarn
  
• A tube of golden E beads
  
• A water-bottle sized container of wooden alphabet beads
  
• A dowel rod
  
• A glass jar with a yellow lid and an air-tight seal
  
• A tiny (3.5 in. by 5 in.) spiral-bound sketchbook
  

I never understood how people could enjoy spending money... I always quibble with myself over what's important, what I will use, and sometimes I don't have good judgement and I end up with something that I immediately don't like after buying it. Spending money is stressful for me. If you asked me what Cassidy would buy if he went on a mini shopping spree, I would have said, "toys, stickers, and plushies." He stared plenty at those things... but he bought exactly what I've truly needed and wanted. He knows me. I remember looking at the wall of plastic cases and going, "Oh, just get the dollar one like I had before," and he vetoed me and said, "You cut a quarter of the handle off your favorite brush because that case was too small for it to fit. Your brushes were rolling around in eraser bits. It doesn't make any sense." and got the layered case for ten bucks. And then, at the very end, my mom bought herself a chocolate, and I usually also do, but Cassidy didn't, and told me "It's not worth it for only a minute of fun." 

 

And now I probably won't spent any of my own money for several months, which is how I operate and it's done me very well. I feel bad for spending money, per usual... but this was a very good use. It is all things that are practical and bring me joy. Hopefully you all will get to see the end result of that dowel rod, the beads, and the yarn ;) 

 

Remind me to listen to Cassidy's judgment more. I discredit him because of his mental age, but he is much more in touch with my true desires, intentions, and drives. Even more so than Gavin. 

 

While doing some reading about MBTI types the other day, Gavin stumbled upon this gem, which is now saved to my journal for reference, and I suppose I ought to put it here. I did squirm, reading it. (For context, Cassidy is ISFP.)

[Hidden]

ISFP Children

 

ISFP children are known for their gentle nature, their compassion, and their practical kindness. They are children with very deep and intense emotions and values. More than anything, it’s important for young ISFPs to feel that they are accepted and loved for who they are. They need to have their strong emotions validated and they need lots of loving affection and words of affirmation. Compliments that mean the most to young ISFPs acknowledge their kindness, empathy, and problem solving skills. Like all SPs, ISFPs can come up with quick solutions in a crisis.

 

ISFPs need to have plenty of validation and understanding from their parents. Their feeling function is so strong that they are greatly affected by their emotions. This can be a positive thing, giving them incredible empathy and gentleness in dealing with others. It can also make them feel tossed and turns by emotions that are difficult to manage at such a young age. It’s important that they are listened to when they are experiencing strong feelings, and that they not be ridiculed for it. The worst thing you can tell a young ISFP is to stop being a “crybaby” or to “grow up”. Their emotional intelligence and sensitivity is one of their greatest strengths.

 

ISFPs need lots of physical affection, hugs, and cuddles as children. They are very sensory individuals who respond to physical touch and affection very strongly. It’s important to reciprocate any affection they give, even if it may not suit your personality.

 

As sensory and creative individuals, ISFPs need to be given plenty of hands-on toys and materials. They usually enjoy physical activity; swimming, dancing, ice skating, anything that gets them in touch with the sensory world in a more independent way. They also love arts and crafts, and enjoy having unstructured time to draw, paint, build, and create.

 

ISFPs are extremely sensitive to criticism and disharmony in the home. It’s important to shield them from conflict, and to speak to them in a gentle, soft voice. Correction should be given calmly and in private as public correction greatly embarrasses them.

 

Lastly, young ISFPs often have trouble being assertive and may need you to model assertiveness for them so that they can feel confident standing up for themselves.

 

Emphasis mine. Source here.

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And finally, Gavin made himself in one of those crappy online anime avatar makers.  He was having a blast and would like to stress, quote, "this isn't even my final form." He looks really young here... he's not nearly as moe in my mind's eye. I suppose that's why it's an anime avatar maker. The "whites" of his eyes are also green. 

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G/ I show up on your doorstep. It's not Halloween. Wdyd? ;) 

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Have a good day :) 

-J

 

Edit: Cassidy wanted in. Here he is: 

[Hidden]

He also looks nothing like this... Hmmm. Cute earrings, though.

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edit: wrong word

[Guest]

Ooh gavin is always so cute! Are you sure he's not an angel?

 

[Dashie] totally

[GeorgeTownRaja]

Is it just me or is Cassidy a transgender? No offense.

[Jamie]

I asked him and he told me, "You know I never preferred wings. If anything, I was a smoke person... smoke people... smeeple."

He's a smerson. -J

 

Ninja'd @GeorgeTownRaja Why would offence be taken? I don't know if tulpas can exactly be trans. There are lots and lots of lady tulpas with guy hosts, and I doubt most of them consider themselves trans. If you mean, he acts androgynous (not strictly masculine or feminine, style-wise), then yes. But also yes, all three of us consider ourselves transgender. We were raised to enjoy a lot of feminine things, and I don't partake in most of them now, but Gavin... well, he doesn't have to worry so much about who's watching, or if he passes as a guy or not. He can just do what he wants, even if what he wants is hair bows and lace.

 

Ninja-edited: Most of what I wrote above applies to Cassidy, as well. He also looks a little more girly because the avatar maker was designed primarily for women avatars... He's got the form of a 7-year-old boy, and translating that over to this avatar maker made him look especially like a girl, I think.

[Jamie]

Got pretty close to passing out in a Lowe's today. Lots of ups and downs today, actually. Some of the ups caused the downs, which I always find a shame. Can't I have ups without downs, like other people can? But, I tend to lick my wounds in private, and maybe other people do as well. I only seek out people when I'm up, and if other people are the same... maybe I think other people are up more than me, just because I never see them when they're down. 

 

I wanted to share what I kinda rage-wrote. Not rage as in anger, but it was one of those things I sat down and wrote start to finish in one go. It was more cathartic than anything violent. It'll probably be limited edition content, i.e. I'l take it down soon. Or replace it with a cat gif or something. You'll know what's happened when you open the hidden. 

 

Kinda violent? I don't know. Don't read if you're in a bad mood to hear about a skin-picking episode. I wrote what happened. Pretty gross, I'd say. 

[Hidden]

 

 

[video=youtube]

https://media.giphy.com/media/etepvqBtmHTeo/giphy.gif[/img][/hidden]

 

tldr, I wrote what I do in an average skin-picking episode. Amends have been made with both my brothers, don't worry. 

 

I think I need to ramp up my meditation... I've been doing a half-hour daily of vipassana. If I shoot for a longer session, it'll be harder to fit into my day, so I might start doing two sessions, one in the morning and then an additional one after school. Can tulpa forcing be meditation? Of course, I've used meditation techniques for forcing, but I never hit a very deep trance. I don't know. 

-J

[Guest Reilyn-Alley]

Sorry to hear about the downs.. Glad you guys are generally doing ok.

 

So here's a thing we do sometimes. One meditation technique is to just focus on your breathing, right? To kinda feel and really sense the air going in and out, in and out. Like a fluid passing into your body through your nose, swirling around everywhere with healthy oxygen, then condensing back into carbon dioxide for the breath out... Ok, so we usually meditate together by trying as hard as we can to visualize (eyes closed or open, doesn't matter tbh unless you prefer one), us sitting in front of each other in a comfortable position.. Sometimes our foreheads are touching. Anyway, one of us breathes in, feeling that life essence or whatever going in, filling our body with energy, visualized by a glowing light. We like green, so it's green. That light spreads everywhere in our body, swirls around then... Breathe out while the other breathes in. Out goes the light, the glow and it passes into the other. FIlls their body, swirls around, then they breath it out as you breath it back in.. Repeat. This whole trading back and forth a sort of energy or breath of life, if you will, we have found to be pretty neat forcing and visualization practice and meditation, all packed into one.

[Jamie]

There's not much to say. I let myself be convinced to sleep, and woke up to an angry mother. I just slept through her text notifications. My being awake would not have changed much but I feel upset that I slept through it, anyways. I think about the jobs I have, which I have not taken up lightly, and it affects me whenever I have failed. My brothers aren't upset with me, how could I have known? But I should always assume I will be needed. 

 

 

I know that I "turn off" when the body goes asleep, but it's different when my brothers are the ones fronting. Of course they have to sleep, and I always just have the feeling that I'm watching over them, regardless of how the brain works. When I'm in front, it is important to be watchful. Sleeping is the opposite of being watchful. There's nothing to do but act differently in the future. A nap is good, but sticking to one's beliefs is more important. 

 

Our wonderland cabin has been a place to let our mind drift during the schooldays. The weather varies now, I suppose we let the subconscious do that, since it's not intentional. It's mostly bright and sunny and in the mid 70s, in the late spring or early summer. Sometimes it is cloudy and a little colder. It does rain but rarely storms. It has been somewhat windy, but never enough to damage the roof or break the trees.  The time of day mostly matches to whatever time of day it is in the external world, but our wonderland residence seems to always be a season ahead of us. 

 

We've decided that the wonderland forest must be connected to a world, somehow. We live right off a highway IRL, so Cassidy decided, this house is off a highway too, but the highway is far enough from the cabin and the lake that you can't see or hear it. I suppose, to get to that highway, you would need to walk about 4 miles south of the cabin, through the forest. We've never been to see the highway, but I imagine that there is a gravel road somewhere deeper in the woods, maybe two miles south, that would lead you onto it. The gravel road ends in a small forest clearing with space for two dozen or so cars to park. I have not seen this parking lot either, but I know that it is empty. 

 

If you traveled due east on the highway, for about 40 minutes, the forest would finally thin, turn to prairie, and you would find soybean fields. Beyond the soybeans fields there are a few farm structures, a grey barn, and way off in the distance, two silos. Keep going and you would finally hit a gas station. It is one of those awful gas stations. The front windows are grimy and you would probably be better off to piss in the field than to use the bathrooms. In the nighttime it looks like where you will be kidnapped and thrown in a trunk, but in the day, it just looks dingy and fades into the highway itself. 

 

Keep going for ten minutes. You will hit an intersection. You will turn onto another highway, which will take you into a small town. Before the town, there is another intersection, and if you want, you can drive past the town and, in another hour, you will be in a city. 

 

The town is about 40,000 people. I imagine they are very proud of some factory or business, something very mechanical and industrial, and many people are employed through that industry. I go back and forth on if the people wouldn't blink, or if they would take notice of me. I imagine that it is like Star Trek, and the people, even if they haven't seen anyone like me before, understand that I exist and that the world is much bigger than their town. The townspeople are uninterested in politics or debate. They don't have a very large downtown, but I picture there is a beautiful clock tower, a farmer's market on Sundays where people bring their dogs, and around the holidays, they put up dozens of Christmas trees that rival the one in Rockefeller Center. If you talk to a stranger, they are polite, but for the most part you can walk through the town and everyone will let you be. 

 

If you go through the town and back onto the highway, or if you drove around the town, you will eventually hit the city. It has about 600,000 people. It is the center for several big corporations. On one side, it faces the river that feeds into the wonderland lake. There are many impressive buildings, but the skyline is no Chicago or New York City. This is the type of city that gets destroyed in action movies and no one blinks an eye. If you knocked down half the city, it would be rebuilt the next day and the incident would be remembered by the residents as if it was a hailstorm. "Did you see the size of it?" "Yes, one of those massive fireballs put a dent in my car, this big!" I imagine there is a magical creature living in the river by the city, who keeps the air pure and the water fresh. It might look like a snake, or eel, or some form of water dragon, and it is as wide as a school bus and a mile long. It stays coiled up at the bottom of the river and children and lovers throw in some sort of offering when they want to make wishes. I don't imagine the creature likes coins, but maybe it likes Japanese peanuts. I don't think it ever talks to people, but it has a quiet appreciation and fascination with humanity. It head looks something like a mix of a spider and a catfish. 

 

That's as much of the world as we've thought about. I don't think we need much more, at least not until we visit the town or the city a few times. We've considered adding a second story to our wonderland cabin, because the roof would fit much better that way, but we have no clue how the floorplan of the first story could fit in the staircase, or what rooms would even go upstairs. It could be an attic, I guess, but what need is there for storage in a wonderland house? I'm tempted to make it an empty room, and when we find a purpose for it, then we'll fill it. Cassidy is opposed to an empty room, so maybe it'll be a mostly empty room with some vague boxes in it, or perhaps a beat-up sofa. 

 

From the front windows, in the kitchen and living room, or if you're on the porch, you can look out and see the tent that K "lives" in. He doesn't really do anything inside there, but he hated to teleport into our living room, and wanted to feel like he was coming to visit, not being summoned. His requests for a permanent residence were denied, so he put a tent in our yard and I find it hilarious. If he wants to come over, he has to knock on the door and be invited in, per arrangement. Of course, this has fueled many vampire jokes. When K comes over, we usually sit together at our picnic table in the kitchen, and he has a blank sheet of paper. The paper is just a prop, a stand-in for whatever Jamie or I are writing. He will sit and read through Jamie's eyes, but we will see him looking at that sheet of paper, maybe marking it up or chewing on the end of his pen. Afterward, sometimes he will stay and Cassidy will join us and we will all drink lemonade or something. K likes to tell stories about his canon and he tries to convince me that his wife could come and be a muse of textile arts. It might happen, but not for several months, at least. 

 

 

Thank you Reilyn for your response. I'll have to try that sometime. I also like green.