JGC's Progress Report

[Jamie]

(Was going to post elsewhere but decided, too bloggy.)

 

 I caught an unintentional switch. The rascal! I was getting stressed out while making lunch, and then snap, I was reading an essay in my room. I didn't realize then, I only had the slightest suspicion (I assumed I had just dissociated), so I went back in my mental timeline and I knew I had fed the pets lunch... and then I always walk the dog, but I had no memory of that. Missing about 45 minutes. And I was trying to figure out, have my shoes moved, has his leash moved? Yes, so I did walk the dog, someone actually took the time to tidy and put them by the door- I went, "Gavin?", he went, "Mmhmmm..." 

 

Ah! I caught 'em. Well, not in the act, but at least after the fact. I had to do the ol' "walk around the house and figure out what's changed" routine, but it's much faster now and Gavin just told me, "Try the laundry room?" and it turns out there's towels drying, I guess he moved them over. I have no idea what I was stressed about, but I know that was me stressing, because I was talking with Gavin... that probably brought him close. It's funny how this works- he doesn't realize who he is, in the moment, a good chunk of the time. It's only after we switch back, and I go, "Well, this is Jamie, and I don't remember doing this stuff, so, was I just dissociated balls-to-the-wall, or what?" If my memories are from above, that's a good indication Gavin has the memories of actually doing the thing. Ohhhh.... I'm afraid there probably are messages initialed with J that are really an unaware G. I doubt it's happened the other way around, though, and we'd also be hard-pressed to mix ourselves up with Cassidy.

 

- Jamie (for sure)

[Guest]

There's such a thing as 'too bloggy?!'

 

This is an interesting testimony that ties in with one of our latest research projects. To go afk while your headmate does stuff with the body, memories not necessarily shared.

 

This sounds so similar to 'A doing stuff while B is doing stuff'!

 

And, it matches my expectations of what it would be like.

 

When I'm wonderlanding while doing something else, Body OS takes care of the mundane repeatable stuff, but not doing laundry or dishes or other mundane but not repetitive enough stuff. Body OS can't do that (for me anyway) but a tulpa easily could. With minimal brain resources, while you're distracted doing something else and at 100% dissociation, Gavin did things.

 

This is the same supposed thing as tulpas doing something else in wonderland while you concentrate on other things in front.

 

A Store front with unseen workers in back doing their own chores so to speak.

 

The only difference being, instead of them just sleeping, they could be working on problems or doing whatever in wonderland to recharge.

 

I know they do for me by their testimony and their attitude afterward. Whatever it is they did is irrelevant as long as they bring me back the sweet loot of a content and happy attitude (recharged so to speak).

 

Thanks JGC.

[Ember.Vesper]

This sounds so similar to 'A doing stuff while B is doing stuff'!

 

Before you carry the analogy to your own experiences too far, Bear, Jamie seems to be reporting losing time and not having memories of doing anything at all in the missing time, including existing.

 

For decades before plurality, I would go about life daydreaming, tuning in largely to realize things like:

 

Do I have my wallet? Phone?

Where are my keys?

Did I turn the oven off? (Usually no)

Did I take my pills?

Did I lower the garage door?

Where am I? Did I miss my turn?

 

The Body OS is 50/50 on doing routine things correctly while my mind is wandering, and absolute rubbish at recording what it did. I don't lose time; I remember what I was thinking about, just not what the body was doing.

 

Vesper and Iris, on the other hand, do routine things extremely well and set down everything faithfully in common memory. But, if they're facing and not paying attention to me, I don't experience existing. I don't have any sense of time loss, because all our memories form a continuous chain, but I experience an actual time skip.

 

-Ember

[Guest]

I don't think I carried it too far; in my mind these things are related. I would consider say, a servitor, just a more symbolic and organized way of directing body OS based on results alone. That servitor would have to front.

 

Who we call the ancients of tulpamancy said these exact thongs, and somehow time erased the effacy of their testimony here. I know they had experienced this, and it can be useful.

 

Sure when I was a singlet, my OS could still function while I was completely afk and i did not remember any of it. This is a very common phenomenon, you're concentrating on whatever and you mysteriously arrive at the wrong destination. Or you arrive at the right destination with no memory of driving for whatever length of time. In these circumstances, others had reported to me these same experiences. Now I can explain what happened. No one was there to tell me anything about the trip. Gavin did, so he was there I believe. Still he didn't have to record anything. The very resource required to record may have been fully in use. Whether it was Gavin or body OS is the only remaining question.

 

I cannot miss my exit or arrive at the wrong destination anymore, it simply stopped happening, my tulpas pay attention if I'm engrossed. Misha even went so far as to possess my arms and correct my steering when I was about to miss an exit.

 

Since body OS, for me, won't do mundane tasks like laundry because they're not repetitive enough, I conclude it's easier to accept Gavin and Jsmie's testimony.

 

This is how it was described, and I'm not in the business of denying people's experiences. So my conclusion is drawn and I stand by it.

 

Sorry for hijacking your PR, JGC. I'll move it at your discretion.

[Jamie]

It's all good.

 

I proved myself a little today. I know it doesn't really matter... but it does matter to me, I wanted to know and so did Jamie. Due to being sick and suddenly much sicker, I switched in, putting Cassidy straight into dormancy, and passed out. And I woke up very slowly but it was me the whole time. We wanted to know, if I passed out, would I wake up? Yes. Took some more flu meds. Feeling better. - Gavin

[Guest]

Feel better soon you guys! We were sick two weeks in a row, it was awful.

[Jamie]

It's RAINING! HAHAHAH! Oh I always want to dance in it! Someone call Lucilyn! 

 

Thank you for your kindness Misha.

 

I was challenged to speak in verse a few day ago in the shower, with the vague topic of "Wonderland." Whatever the first part was, it's long out of our memory, but Jamie had scribbled some of it down, and I wrote the last couplet just now. The rest? It came straight out of my head in one go, so, bear with me. 

 

[Hidden]

[forgotten]

 

And laughing, loitering on the lawn,

Our friendly neighbor-vagabond.

He calls me closer, with a wink

To offer a sip of his drink,

But we don't drink from seraph's cups,

Unless you're looking to throw up,

And so I gave his glass a pass,

And there I left him, on the grass,

 

 

Walked down to the path and to the pit

Where both my brothers like to sit:

A place to speak with thoughts that unnerve us,

Where you can pray, or yell, or even cuss

And tell that pool of glossy black

There ain't no monkey on your back.

I don't go there much, but when I do,

I like to poke at all the goo.

[/hidden]

 

Jamie tells me, it reminds him of "I lik the bred" poems. 

 

http://nationalviral.com/trendsimages/cow-bred.jpg[/img]

 

Structure (biggish image):

[Hidden]

https://i.redd.it/pq7q1ptren001.jpg[/img]

[/hidden]

So, no.

 

my name is G,

and when its nite,

the words i type

do not look rite. 

 

and when I slep,

and rest in bed,

i fall right thru-

im not sawlid.

 

That's an "i lik the bred" poem. 

 

- Gavin edit:word

[Guest]

Oh wow! Cute poems! <3

[Jamie]

Bad Day alert. I'll be putting some of it in hidden and spoiler tags but just be aware. I was taking notes the whole while through, otherwise I doubt I'd remember so many details of the interactions. 

 

Early in the day  (blood, a forced kiss) 

[Hidden]

C showed me a patch of blood along his hairline and said "It won't stop." (An intrusive he wanted me to banish, it happens.) It was a physical manifestation of him being upset about a memory where he (a 6 or 7 year old Jamie) was pushed into the slide and bled in the same spot. I kissed it and it stopped. 

 

A few minutes later, he came to me and his lips were broken and bleeding. I thought the memory he was upset about was, going by how it looked, about how Jamie had a lip-picking and -licking tic, and several times, he broke through the skin and they looked and bled like that. So I kissed him on the lips: he teleported away to his bedroom and there was a massive wave of betrayal and fear. I realized, I got it very wrong. The manifestation probably just looked like when Jamie had bitten through his lips because we already have sharp memories of that, it was just easier to visualize. The memory was of Jamie being held in place by his friends and forced to kiss a boy, who knocked teeth and then stuck his tongue in Jamie's mouth, when he was 6 or 7. So, Cassidy came to me with a physical manifestation that was really a way to say "I'm upset about this memory of a kiss on the mouth", and in response, I kissed him on the mouth. 

 

He was pretty upset but eventually was understanding. That's one of the benefits of thought-sharing: he knows it was an honest mistake and that I wouldn't have done that if I knew it would be upsetting. I had him wash off the blood in the sink instead, and we were okay. It made my heart sink when he felt I had hurt him. 

[/hidden]

 

I was filling out the weekly reflection little worksheet we have to do, and completely and totally blanked. "What did you do last weekend?" I had no memory of Saturday, and only three or four memories of Sunday afternoon and evening. I turned to Jamie and he told me the stock responses he uses. I tried to remember again in 5-ish minutes and had more luck. I thought I was over it, but at the end of the day, a teacher asked me, "What did you think of the weather last weekend?" I had no idea what the weather had been and I could not tell from her tone, so I made a gamble and said, "Oh, it was nice to be outside." Wrong, it was 40 degrees and raining. Once she said that, the memories came back. I'm pretty sure she was picking up that I was a little off, not quite able to respond properly, so I told her I had a headache and she seemed relived at the explanation. Wasn't a lie, either. 

 

 

 

First clouds, early in the school day

 

Cassidy called for me. He sat on my lap on the porch. He asked me if I could poof him like I've been poofing the child clones (also referred to as "criers"). He told me the criers "never stop feeling bad." First I blew a raspberry into the back of his shirt collar. Then I reminded him how, with some work and conversation, I got one of the criers to laugh (by turning into a Pomeranian.) He told me that the criers are "stuck in boxes" of having bad reactions. I asked if he thought he was "stuck in a box." He then took my hand and chewed on it. I asked if he was okay and he told me math is boring and he was going to take a nap. He considered teleporting to his bedroom, but instead stayed on my lap, pretending to sleep, and I could tell he felt dejected. 

 

Jamie had been coming and going all morning (I have been switched in since last night) but he started to get especially sulky, only popping in to be upset. I asked him to stick around so he wasn't acting like an intrusive. He sulked on the sofa. 

 

I decided, enough sulking from my boys, we're going to the beach. What? Are you serious? Yes. I put Cassidy on my shoulders and told Jamie to get up. Internal radio was not playing nice, the clones were not playing nice, I did not care. Let's go to the beach. We walked down to the beach, it's a lake beach. Jamie wasn't up for playing but he admitted he got some anger out by kicking sand and rocks along the shore. I took Cassidy down into the water and we talked a little. He asked if my hair gets bogged down in water. It doesn't seem to, but it moves a little slower when I'm under there, when I have hair. At one point he told me, "Gavin, I can't see you to know where to splash water!" I think I personify myself too much, while writing, compared to how I actually appear. Smeeple (smoke people) do not always have the typical number of clearly defined limbs. At one point I was a dolphin for fun, still green and smoke of course. 

 

 

Clones kept being not-nice and Jamie yelled

"Fucking shit!

in response to one, at the same time, Cassidy broke down. They wanted to go back to the cabin to sulk and cry, respectively, but I said no. We talked a little. A few minutes later Jamie said, "I'm five seconds from cussing him out," so he teleported away to the pit. 

 

I sat with Cassidy in an inch or two of water. He told me he realized he was dead. He showed me one of my bad memories as evidence. He said sorry when he felt my reaction. I asked him why that was evidence. He said,

"Jamie should die."

then switched to pure tulpish and showed me a memory of petting small sharks in a zoo, a memory of the time when he switched in when he was exactly a month old, a memory of hugging me upon meeting me, and a memory of banging on his knees falling on the blacktop. The last memory made him start bleeding again. I kissed my hand then touched my hand to his knees. It stopped. 

 

Cassidy asked the Big Why and said he was sorry for being a

bitch.

I told him he was a good kid and no one should call him 

bitch.

He put a handful of sand in his mouth (deliberately, I checked it was not intrusive, he told me he meant to) then spat, then told me he wanted to go home, he wanted to hide. I asked if he thought he could hide out on the beach. He grabbed on to me and broke down. We teleported home. 

 

He hid in a cupboard under the sink. I asked if he wanted to hide in bed, instead, but he gave a firm "No." Jamie went dormant about this time. Cassidy was dead quiet but very watchful. It stayed that way for a good half-hour of reading about normal distributions. 

 

I sensed that Cassidy was ready for me, so I took a glass of water and asked if he wanted to come out. He asked me a few questions of reassurance, then came out and sat with me on the sofa. I asked if he thought he was a good kid. He told me, he'd do his best to be a good

bitch

and he would not react anymore, he could watch and not react. He pleaded a little and told me he'd be good. I asked what grade he was in and he said 4th. I asked how old he was and he said he was 5 years old. (Note for non-US readers: 4th graders are mostly 9 or 10.) He apologized for what the clones had been and were actively doing. I said it's not his fault. I don't think he believed me. 

 

He told me

"Jamie's dead."

but it was more of a question. I told him Jamie needed a break but he'd be back. Cassidy asked for a glass of milk and a hug. We sat on the sofa and he started chatting with me. He asked me about the notes I was actively taking and I told him I wanted to keep a good record, and that if he had any questions, this way I wouldn't forget. I promised to do my best to answer whatever he wanted answered. So, behold, a true masterpiece of having a child's mind around :)

 

[Hidden]

NSFW questions are in spoilers fields. I've tidied up a lot of the phrasing. Everything is phrased so "I" is me, Gavin. 

Q: How long do ravens live? 

10-15 years in the wild, but they can live over 40 years in captive or protected conditions.

 

Q: Does Mars have a magnetic field? 

Yes, but it's much, much weaker than Earth's.

 

Q: Why am I so tall, if I'm 12? 

Because I can look however I want!

 

Q: lewd, graphic 

Why is it wrong to have sex with a dead body?

 

Most people consider the body itself sacred, even after it's not alive. So not-alive bodies also deserve respect.

 

Q: How do coral reefs form? 

The coral larvae attach to underwater rocks in coastal seas.

 

 

Q: What do I want for my birthday? 

I don't know yet! 

 

 

Q: Where does the electricity in our wonderland cabin come from? 

Magic. It's one of those things you don't question.

 

Q: Will I ever hit him? 

No.

 

Q: bodily graphic

Why do people throw up?

For a lot of reasons. If they're sick, if they don't want something in their stomach anymore, if they're really suddenly disgusted.

 

 

Q:

Can dolphins throw up? 

Yes.

 

 

Q: Do snails and fish have livers? 

Yes and yes.

 

 

Q: Why are you smiling? 

Because this is fun.

 

Q: Can it snow on volcanoes? 

Yup.

 

Q: What's under our fingernails?

The nail bed.

 

Q: Are pumpkins squash? 

Yes, and squash are (technically, not practically) fruits.

 

Q: What's a weather balloon? 

A massive balloon used to carry scientific devices high up.

 

Q: Who determined which jewels go with which months? 

Apparently it has to do with the 12 tribes of Israel and some existing symbolism? 

 

 

Q: What type of wood are the floorboards in the wonderland cabin?

Some sort of stained oak.

 

Q: Can you paint on skin with gouache?

Yes, but gouache is so chaulky... 

 

Q: mild nsfw

Is sperm living?

 

Yes.

 

Q: Why are Saturday and Sunday the weekend days? 

Due to the Sabbath and the idea of Sunday being the day of worship, those were the two days people wanted to not work the most. And the formal weekend in the US really started happening with the industrial revolution and worker's unions.

 

Q: Where does nutmeg come from?

A nut, from a type of evergreen tree.

 

Q: Is Cassidy Hispanic? 

It's really up to him if he wants to claim that identity. (He said yes, so, yes, he's Hispanic.)

 

Q: Could Cassidy get pregnant? 

Nope.

 

 

Q: Could Cassidy catch on fire? 

Not in wonderland, I wouldn't allow that.

 

 

Q: What's that mark on my thumb?

It's a mostly-healed cat scratch.

 

Q: Is the word "lunch" German? 

It comes from "luncheon" which may come from the Spanish "lonja" meaning "hunk, slice."

 

 

Q: Why is my hair so long? 

Because I like it that way.

 

Q: Would the wonderland cabin survive an earthquake?

Yup.

 

Q: What's wrong with my eyeballs? 

Nothing! I like them like this.

 

Q: Can he go to Disneyworld/land? 

 

Maybe someday.

 

Q: Can we get those passes that allow people to avoid the lines? 

 

I thought the answer was going to be "Probably not", but turns out, it's "Probably yes!" They don't ask for any specific legal documentation and it's explicitly inclusive of invisible disabilities. That's cool, we might be able to go to a Disney park :D 

 

Q: Can he have some of that cake? 

Nope, we can't take food if we're not sure it's vegetarian, and that's... probably not vegetarian.

 

Q: What are the things on forks called?

Tines.

 

Q: Why am I smiling?

Beeeecause I'm happy.

 

Q: Do I have teeth?

When I want them. Like right now. Seeeeeeeeeeeeeee?

 

Q: Am I sick?

I am, I'm getting over the flu.

 

Q: Do birds get sick?

Yes.

 

Q: Why can Cassidy get so tired he has to sleep, while his brothers stay awake at the same time?

I'm not sure. I think it's an internal mechanism to keep him from mental exhaustion.

 

Q: What's inside a printer?

Depends on the printer. It's some intense feats of engineering, I'll tell you that.

 

Q: Can I have hands? (I had discontinued my humanoid form and this was weird to him, as he was tried to hug me.)

Yes, sure.

 

Q: Can I have MORE hands? 

Is six enough?

 

Q: How big are kangaroos? 

The average red kangaroo is 4 foot 9, so, pretty big.

 

Q: Who's going to be the next president?

I don't have any clue, yet.

 

Q: Why am I writing these questions down?

To answer them later :P

 

Q: mild graphic, sad

 Will the scars go away?

They'll all fade, and we're young so I think some will fade a lot, but I don't think they'll all go away, all the way.

 

 

Q: Am I cold?

I don't think I am.

 

 

Q: Do I want a hug?

Yes.

 

 

Q: Did I like being a dolphin?

Yes.

 

Q: Am I happy?

Yes.

 

Q: Am I mad at Cassidy?

 

No.

 

Q: Does Cassidy really have hands?

 

Look! Hands!

 

Q: Why is dirt brown, and sand yellow?

Carbon makes things brown and black, and the quartz and feldspar in sand makes it sand-colored.

 

Q: What are pop cans made of?

Aluminum.

 

Q: How would a helium balloon act, compared to an air-filled balloon, in space/zero gravity?

Turns out balloons need atmosphere to do balloon-things. I couldn't really find a resource for just 0G, not space.

 

Q: How old is Cassidy?

That's complicated. Practically, he's mostly 7, sometime younger, but rarely ever, ever younger than 4 or 5. As a tulpa, he was created September 5th 2018.

 

Q: Why does (a teacher) talk like that? 

She's learned the students react well to that type of humor.

 

Q: Does Cassidy have to watch?

Nope.

 

Q: Am I going to hurt Cassidy?

Nope.

 

 

Q: Why did I take my brothers to the beach?

To try and chill them out.

 

Q: Why am I "playing host?" 

Jamie needed a break.

 

Q: Do wooly animals overgroom?

I found references saying that sheep do.

 

Q: violent

Why did the women (in a movie, based on a real story) drown their babies?

Because they didn't want them to be killed by the other guys.

 

 

Q: Do I have bones?

Rarely.

 

Q: Where are apples from?

Central Asia, and they spread west along with humanity. 

 

Q: Where does the wax go when candles burn?

It evaporates.

 

Q: Why is air see-through?

The molecules are spread-out enough that the light isn't affected, it travels right through.

 

Q: How tall is Jamie?

5 foot 6, last time I checked.

 

Q: How tall am I?

Hah! Really depends. The form I keep in Jamie's skull is about... 3 or 4 inches, max? My humanoid form is generally half a head or taller than Jamie. 

 

Q: Can I brush Cassidy's hair?

Sure thing. 

[/hidden]

 

So I brushed his hair out. We casually talked for maybe 45 minutes or so, a class hour. 

 

Confusion

[Hidden]

He grabbed the sides of the standing fan in the kitchen, looked into it, and said, "woooosshhh." He brought me a popsicle and a stick of butter with a popsicle stick in it, put them down on the kitchen table. He pointed to the butter and just said,

"I should die."

He took my hand and bit it. He realized it didn't hurt me and considered this evidence toward some point. I told him I wasn't understanding and he gave me a disturbing visualization. I still didn't understand. He gave more visualizations. I asked for words. He was frustrated and squirmed off the sofa. 

He got rid of the popsicle and butter popsicle and whined. He told me, "I don't have hands." I said, "What are these, then?" He tried to bite himself but I wouldn't let it happen. He teleported to his room and told me he was sorry. He thought I was mad at him. I asked, "Why would I be mad at you?" He told me I'm a good person and he should be my

bitch

 and he was failing. 

I asked how old he was and he was confused. I asked what grade he was in and he was confused. I asked what his name was and he told me Jamie's birthname. I asked if he felt "stuck in a box" and he cried for me. He was visually presenting like the criers do, quite graphically. I snapped it away and he hugged me around the side and asked

to die/poof.

I wasn't feeling so hot IRL and at this point I got some minor visual hallucinations and internal radio was pitching a fit with some more persecutory sound effects.

 

I was on-edge and protective-feeling and I started to smell a really specific smell. I felt physically awful and I had a headache. K (pronounced "Co-" as in "coworker", should probably mention that) popped up and told me I needed a distraction. I asked if he had any insight. He told me, "Baby, it's rough to remember." He handed me a small hand shovel, which turned into a metal popsicle, which began to melt and bubble. I was pretty confused. K patted my head and flew away, laughing wholeheartedly. Cassidy went dormant at some point, I believe just before K showed up. 

 

It was nearly the end of the day. I went to the bathroom, and consider this a confessional, I stood in the mirror and picked skin. Of course it was not good, but I do think, I gained some insight into the Why, the "why do I pick" that Jamie struggles with. I felt like the most disgusting person in the state, I felt like my entire body was a nasty whitehead. I was knowing things, in some sort of half-aware way, and it was incredibly worrying. K shouted "What about Courage?" and gave me the clearest visualization I've seen of her so far. I've been daydreaming, designing personifications of the four Stoic virtues. Courage is a 5 year old girl in a lion hoodie. I sucked on my fingers a little to keep from going at it, then cleaned myself up. I didn't feel good. The clones and internal radio were still being malicious. My brothers both stayed dormant for a few more hours. 

[/hidden]

 

Things are much calmer. I'd like to believe, perhaps this was a necessary step in regaining our footing. K and Cassidy are both committed that there is a meaning to a popsicle, a butter popsicle, and a metal popsicle, and I have just been unable to parse it out. I trust they'll be able to convey the message to me somehow. 

 

It's a part of growing up. 

Have a good day!

 

- Gavin

[Guest]

Very fun read (the Q&A). Sorry about the heavy stuff let's hope you can deal with it the best you can and move on to happier days.