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Jamie

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Interesting, some of that is nothing like anything i've experienced, but like getting stuff stuck in my head or repeating lines used to happen when i was under 20. Especially if i had an interesting conversation i felt compelled to repeat the whole conversation, verbatim, in my head or partially out loud, both sides, several times. Hearing a good song got it stuck in my head so badly that a didn't listen to music for a long time. Until i found that 'the girl from eponema' destroyed it. Which i found out from some comedian and it totally worked, without itself getting stuck in my head. On Christmas i worked retail when i was 15 and the binging bell display haunted me night and day. I literally hated all Christmas songs after that for years.

 

It's an odd coincidence that when i started binge drinking in college all that went away, and whenever it started to come back, another good old binge knocked it out for a while (though again, it might have been coincidental). I used to call something, 'my weird thoughts' that happened around puberty and again only ended in my early 20's. I was very happy to get rid of them. I can't fathom what they were anymore but i distinctly remember telling a good friend about them and how happy i was that they went away. When i stopped drinking all togther, they never came back. I might have also grown out of them.

 

I don't advise binge drinking obviously, it was just a funny coincidence probably.

 

The imposition type hallucinations i have are definitely dreamlike, but are obviously semi-controllable as we do use that channel pretty regularly as a means to communicate. It's enhanced and beautiful, better than real in terms of quality of sound, but not quite as loud anymore.

 

Hopefully they fade soon for you and you totally forget about them until soneone brings up a similar thing years later, then you can laugh about it.

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I can relate to having something similar to your internal radio, but it's not as invasive.

 

Throughout the day, I may hear random music I was listening to, re-live listening to conversations spoken on TV, etc. It's at it's worst when I want to go to bed and suddenly I can't stop thinking about Puyo Puyo and my visualization seems to only dedicate to Puyo strategies, or I'm re-watching movie/tv series clips, or listening to Phantom of the Opera music over and over. It's mostly annoying if I'm trying to visualize Ranger or sleep, but otherwise it's generally not an issue.

 

My guess is my "internal radio" seems to be a channel that gets the remnant of whatever I was previously processing, subconscious associations that can be interpreted while conscious, or the concentration/embodiment of what I don't want to be thinking about. For example, sometimes I end up watching the same intrusive/dark thought scene over and over again before I am finally able to ignore it.

 

When I'm focused on something, my "internal radio" seems to quiet. Luckily, it doesn't take much for this to occur, and the channel is frequently overpowered, even if the level of focus isn't intense.

 

When going to bed one night, I decided to try and quiet my head and I collected all of the thoughts about Puyo Puyo and molded them into one thought form. I told him to go to bed, and sent him away. I did something similar to some other thoughts, but the drawback was every topic I sent away, a new topic popped up. I either got bored or tired enough and ended up falling asleep anyway.

Meow. You may see my headmates call me Gray or sometimes Cat.

I used to speak in pink and Ranger used to speak in blue (if it's unmarked and colored assume it's Ranger). She loves to chat.

 

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  • 1 month later...

If internal radio has given me anything, it's that I know all the American patriotic songs by heart. Stars and stripes forever. 

 

Just a quick something. I think Cassidy hit a milestone. It was something I didn't quite expect. Gavin "runs" pretty close alongside me, thinking in a kind of tulpish, mostly without words. He's a silent moderator, always monitoring what's going on, and deciding whether or not to step in and actually talk to me. Before anyone freaks out about parallel processing, I want to argue that this isn't very impressive, singular people do it all the time with themselves. As we act in one manner, we think about how someone else would respond. Or, in this case, I act in one manner, and the brain concurrently lets Gavin process the situation and think about how he would respond. 

 

So what happened was, I picked up a scrap of fabric off the floor, and I heard two rushes of thought. Gavin went, in tulpish, "How did this get here? Is there any more on the floor? Did your fabric bin spill?" and Cassidy told me, "It's a little scrap, you can just throw it out." But again, no words at all. Then, verbally, Cassidy said, "It's too small of a scrap. You don't need to put it in the scrap pile, you can throw it out." It's not often I hear his whole thought process like that, out-of-the-blue. Either I'm having an active conversation, and then I hear thinking, or he's just passively being there, and most of the tulpish is from Gavin. 

 

I thought, only one person could sit in that "seat", that place of constant tulpish. I guess that's not a limit, since Gavin and Cassidy thought in tulpish at the same time. However, I think I'll stress again, I don't think this is too impressive. It's also something I've done for years with Gavin. It's just a sign to me, a sign that Cassidy is really establishing himself in the brain. 

 

Those with multiple tulpas/system members: Did you experience anything like this, comparing yourself/them when a few months old, again when you/they were older than that? Sometimes I think, people talk like tulpa development is done after sentience: congrats, full person. They are people, but from my experience, a sentient tulpa doesn't have anywhere near the mental processing powers of the host. They literally think less, as in fewer thoughts, though their feelings are still real, and this doesn't mean they're stupid. 

 

 I used to have to "wake" my tulpas up in the day. I used to first talk to Gavin on the bus in the morning to wake him up, until he just started talking to me while I got ready, first thing. He used to be quiet during classes and when I wasn't thinking of him, until he just started popping up in response to all sorts of things, ready to talk internally with me. We were close, but I don't remember ever asking for him to start talking to me in more situations. This was before I even knew about tulpas. Cassidy used to disappear, when he was young! I wouldn't sense him at all when I wasn't focusing on him. Just silence. That doesn't happen now, but he also doesn't talk constantly like Gavin does. Part of that is personality and his relationship with me, but some of it is development. And that's changing. Two streams of tulpish! 

 

In other news, both my tulpas are tried and true Hufflepuffs. I thought Gavin was going to be Gryffindor, but he knew himself better and was right. He used Pottermore, if anyone's interested. We have our suspicions that Hufflepuffs are greatly over-represented among tulpas. If you're going to have such a close bond with someone, you're probably going to develop personality traits that help with that, right? 

 

Cassidy's half a year old. Wow. It's hard to think, eventually there's not going to be much of a difference between his age and Gavin's age. I think it's been very useful to compare him to his older brother: I know what milestones to expect. Well, depending on how you count Gavin's age. 

...what am I gonna do for his first birthday? (Ha, I just heard Gavin realize the same thing after I thought of it.) 

 

-J

The world is far, the world is wide; the man needs someone by his side. 

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Of course, development doesn't end at sentience. We do compare either our current selves to our past selves or to each other sometimes, that's quite natural. It intrigues me how quickly Indigo seemed to mature emotionally compared to the rest of us, we were a wreck for so long in that department. I suppose Indigo was mainly riding off the coattails of lessons that we had to go through before he was created. Definitely interesting things to think about. 

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Yeah, definitely Jamie. Some systems don't experience what we do, but your system and ours have a lot of the same experiences. They have grown a lot and continue to mature and experiment. It's very interesting to think back with someone like Dashie, she's a dynamic person, she's changed a lot, while Ashley hasn't changed nearly as much.

 

I believe tulpas have a lot more processing power on their oen than people give them credit for. It may not be 1:1 with the fronter, but it doesn't have to be to function well.

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3/19/2019

 

I had to wait until the cat fell asleep on my bed because I didn't want to do something so special while she was yowling at the door. (Cats.) 

 

There's been a rule set in the works for a few days. It's been Gavin's baby. I think it's the right time for something like this. We didn't do anything too formal. Everyone just possessed my hand in order to initial at the end. Now the rules are in effect. 

 

1. We are all equal. 

2. Respect. 

3. Thoughts in error may be recanted. 

4. Consent for public and private actions involving brothers. 

5. No banishment or forceful merging.

6. No more tulpas.

7. Promises must be fulfilled or compromises made to the best of one's ability. 

8. The body may be controlled forcibly in order to prevent harm.

9. Rules may be added or amended with consensus. 

JGC

 

You may notice these have similarities to a certain Angry Bear's system rules. They all, especially Ashley and Bear, were a great help with writing and revising these rules. I encourage you all to read his PR if you haven't. It's well-written and the text in hidden tags is worth reading. 

 

Let these rules make way for stability. We are in this for the long haul. 

 

 

 

PS

I believe I'm blurry as hell with Gavin. Talking about this has brought him to the front  xD It's nothing new, this is what we used to do when I needed to "be strong." We don't do this as often, now that Gavin is considered his own person and not some extension of myself, but we still "eclipse" or whatever term you want to use. It's peaceful. Can you tell in my writing? 

 

-Not Cassidy, he's asleep

The world is far, the world is wide; the man needs someone by his side. 

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Blending or synergizing (i've heard both): Dashie and I have worked really closely on a stressful but fun game like Space Engineers, we were so back and fourth together it's almost a blend, I thought it was a blend, but Bre heard my description snd said maybe not. It's not confusing for us to be in that state.

 

Our rules are major super important, and mucho no bueno bad if we break them. You only truly have trust once.

 

I'm glad you guys are set now, system rules were so important to keep us on track. Then there are the pacts, that's a separate thing more so between me and each of then specifically to help me not be stupid, and solve specific issues we had. They don't apply equally or symmetrically.

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Storytime! 

 

The Story Of How I Forgot Why A Fourth of My Stuffed Animals Had Been Segregated To The Foot of My Bedframe

or

Cassidy Has a Bad Time

 

Oh, goodness. 

 

Cassidy switched out for the night, he wanted to try lucid dreaming. I went straight to not-being-around, "goodnight to both of you, wake me if you need anything." Cassidy got his stuffed owl, which I got for my birthday but gave to him, and went to sleep holding it against his face. 

He woke up in an hour, sweating under the blankets. Cassidy runs hotter than me, so we all kinda dismissed it as a personal difference. He couldn't get back to sleep. Cue a few more hours of restless sleep, waking up every half-hour, feeling hot and uncomfortable and bad. 

 

Eventually he woke up and was so hot, he kicked off the comforter and pushed away the owl. He turned from sleeping on his side and faced straight-up in bed. The cool air hit, and then came the unmistakable feeling of "oh my god bugs are burrowing under my skin" on the left side of his face. Cassidy flew into a panic, Gavin was there, I was there, Gavin possessed a little to get Cassidy to sit on his hands and calm down. He didn't draw blood, and I know I would have, so I'll call that a win as far as skin-related freak-outs go. 

 

This was when I remembered, at first, getting a build-a-bear only to realize I couldn't really play or sleep with it, because the long fur made my skin itch for minutes after holding it. Then, I remembered there's a certain type of long, really rough-haired faux fur that I have a bad reaction toward. And I remembered when I got the owl stuffed animal, and I looked at the wings and thought, "I guess you're going to live in my closet, bird." And Cassidy tried to sleep, holding the wing against his face for hours. Cue face-palm. 

 

Cassidy put the owl on the ground and within twenty minutes he wasn't sweating anymore and most of the itching went away. He got some hypnagogia that was nice and vibrant. Unfortunately it kinda was the final straw as far as Cassidy staying in front. This was about 3:30 AM. 

[Hidden]

For context, there was a photo of a man holding a kitten like a gun that Cassidy saw and laughed at last evening, and I'm sure that was the inspiration for this. A game selection screen popped up in his mind's eye and a voice said, "Choose your weapon!" There were two guns, a machete, and a tabby kitten. Cassidy answered, "Kitten?" and it selected on the screen. Next, it showed the machete and the kitten side by side, and went "Match begins!" "Challenger Defeat!" And cue intrusive imagery.

[/hidden]

Tldr gory intrusive imagery. Cassidy gave up the front soon after that and I got to sleep much faster. I was actually cold and got another blanket. 

 

He did have two dreams with some clarity! 

 

1. He was reading responses to my "good night" post and thinking, "Man, I sure hope I have a lucid dream!" This one was cool because he was in my room, on my phone, but it was his body. I wasn't there. Also a bit funny due to the lack of self-awareness. Oh my goodness, and there was a post from Ashley telling me to be nice to him. XD Thanks Dream-Ashley. 

2. Crap I waited too long to write it down uh uh uh it'll come back later

 

I also had a nonsensical dream, as I do, that's too complicated to explain because it was nonsense. There was a big tree and massive food supply magic conveyor belts, a literal food fight, a group of men in lumberjack shirts that were some kind of gang, and an undefined plot to save the world. Sure, why not. 

 

He's fine, a little worse for wear but sometimes these things happen. Gavin also played his part, thank you Gavin. In other news, Cassidy is 201 days old? Yesterday we watched Lilo and Stitch. 

 

-J

The world is far, the world is wide; the man needs someone by his side. 

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Hello, everyone. Gavin has taken to inviting over one of my book characters to our wonderland, who I'll refer to as K for this purpose. He's a nice enough guy with 4th-wall-breaking attributes written in, and he often speaks to me like some characters are wont to do while I'm writing. His personality is very similar to Gavin's: Gavin was a pretty strong influence, when I was originally designing him. 

 

Gavin has spoken to me a little about designating certain characters as Muses, a sort of "moon" or "Grey" or "Advanced NPC" territory. They have to have a purpose for being there, and they will not be recognized as identities like myself or my tulpas. 

 

It was requested that I transcribe the conversation, and so here it is. Gavin is in black, K is in color. 

 

[Hidden]

Do you know what we're here to discuss?

You want to upgrade me to a Muse.

And you would be the first. You would help define the role.

 What questions do you have for me?

You're quick. Would you grow to have an interest in the external world?

 Only so far as my book is concerned. You did not grow an interest, even though your life's work is more external than mine, and you were interacted with far more often.

That holds up. Are you aware that you would not be subject to rule set applying to tulpas, and that you are unable to become a tulpa or be protected by our rule set?

 Yes. I don't require them. If I may speak?

Go ahead.

It would be an honor to be promoted to a Muse. I understand the position is not the same as being a tulpa. I will not become intrusive or invested in your lives. What matters to me is the creation of my book. I understand where I come from. I understand that I have no rights. When I am no longer needed, I will retire peacefully.

You understand that there may come a time, you are never called on again?

 Yes sir.

Stand up.

(K stands. Gavin takes out a pocket knife.)

This will hurt you but you understand that it is imaginary.

 Of course.

(Gavin gestures for K's hand. K holds out his right hand. Gavin takes the knife and cuts vertically down his palm. It bleeds. K winces.)

You are an imaginary man. This blood is not real. Your pain is not real. Do you understand?

 It is the most wonderful position to be in. I am, in part, a manifestation of the desire to complete a project. I am a Muse.

You will be a Muse if it is agreed to with consensus, in 24 hours' time. The title may be stripped from you at any time. You may be retired at any time. You are a book character.

 I understand. Am I allowed to call for Jamie without being asked?

No. When Jamie comes to you, you may speak with him freely, but you are not allowed to seek him out when you are not asked to.

 Do you enjoy being a tulpa?

More than you will ever know. You should focus on enjoying being a book character. Being a Muse may be different.

 I look forward to it.

Get out. I will call for you tomorrow.

 Thank you again, Gavin. 

(K leaves. Gavin makes the blood and knife disappear.)

[/hidden]

 

I agree, but Gavin hasn't really spoken to Cassidy about it, so there is still a chance this won't happen. In all likeliness, K gets to be a Muse. Basically, we're going to give him a little more leash. Hey, nothing wrong with favorites among thoughtforms. 

 

-J

 

edit: typo

The world is far, the world is wide; the man needs someone by his side. 

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