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Jamie

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Cassidy on 12/4/2018 


(Being proxied sucks compared to fronting... I have to put all my thoughts through Jamie's hands, instead of doing it myself.)

 

This is recent, like, ten minutes ago recent. Jamie was on the forum, and ended up reading this touch imposition guide again. It said "Draw shapes on your hand and mimic the feeling in your head the best you can" so Jamie was doing that. He was thinking, "Should my tulpas be doing the mimicking part?" 

 

And I slapped his hand, and he felt it. 

 

He kinda shouted, but caught himself so it was like a cough. He felt it! And of course he was saying, "Do it again, again," and so I tried a bunch of different shapes and things. We shook hands, too, and now I can poke him, which is awesome. Something clicked, and now I understand how to impose my touch. It's just natural, now. I don't know how to explain it, but I'll try.

 

There's a difference between imagining yourself touching your host, and actually doing it. You have to get across to the brain that you're actually going to touch the host. It's not going to be an imagined feeling, it's going to be a real feeling. And then, it will be. 

 

I've been trying to impose myself all day for a few days. When we listen to Christmas music, I sing along or shake those jingle-bell covered things, and try to make it imposed. I gave Jamie a headache from the forcing but no luck. I guess auditory is going to take more work. Gavin got it once, though, but it was an accident. It's still possible, though- we know it is.

 

Point is, I guess touch imposition came faster to me. I still have to kinda think about it, and force the brain to impose my touch, but I can do it at will. This is great. 

 

 

J: He surprised the hell out of me, but it was a welcome surprise. I didn't expect this kind of progress. Cassidy is nearly three months old now, and I expected imposition to happen around the year mark. However, he isn't my first tulpa, and I'm a master at dissociation, for better or worse. 

Man, it's hard to think that Cassidy is only three months old. It feels like he's been around my entire life, like he's just... always lived here. I guess I've been around his entire life. 

I'd think about writing a guide or tip something, but I have no idea what I did. I think it was more Cassidy's work than mine, actually. I'll point you over to the guide we used.

 


0 = no skill, 10 = goal achieved

Mindscape: 3

Visualization: 4

Auditory imposition: 2

Some degree of tactile imposition: 4

Some degree of visual imposition: 2

Lucid dream skills: 1

 

Edit: Spelling

The world is far, the world is wide; the man needs someone by his side. 

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Guest Reilyn-Alley

Wow guys, that sounds amazing. Congrats Cassidy! Today handslaps. Tomorrow headpats! <3

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  • 2 weeks later...

What an experience! I woke up with my alarm at 5 AM, after having stayed up til midnight. It's the weekend, so I don't have any reason to get up that early, so I just kinda laid in bed.

 

Then my alarm went off again, and it was noon! And I thought, oh no, that's too late, but I was frozen down to my bed. I felt really strange and internal radio was going wild, but also with visions of TV show clips and my family and things, and it all felt too... dream-like.

Ding!

I counted my fingers, at first feeling like I had double vision, but then I kept finding my pinkies in the wrong place, and just all my fingers were not right. A lucid dream! Well, a kinda lucid dream. Within the dream, I decided to go to sleep, thus triggering a stupid cycle of waking up to realize: no, still asleep. I've never done that before. Between 'waking up', my brain auto-generated some fanfic of the TV show I stayed up watching, which was surprisingly coherent, and later, one family member of mine accused another of poisoning one who died recently. Nothing to analyze there, folks.

 

Did I think to use my lucid-ish state for anything, like, say, hearing or seeing my tulpas? Nope :(

However! I did dream a conversation with Gavin at a point, though it was the usual setup of us using thoughtvoice. I don't remember all of it (or maybe it stopped suddenly for another dream sequence) but I remember asking, "Should I be worried that I can't move?" and he said, "No, it's a part of this experience." I was dreaming that I was walking around a Christmas store, but I was aware that it was a dream, and I was also consious of my unmovable body. Or a dream-representation of it. I don't know.

Sorry again to Cassidy, who was not present.

 

Eventually I woke up for real, after diligently counting my fingers. I think I 'woke up' 6 times, though I could be mistaken.

 

Weirdest part? I never set an alarm for 5 AM. However, I'm known to wake up the same time everyday, even without an alarm, so here's what I think the timeline actually is:

 

-Bed at 12, set alarm for 8 AM

-Briefly wake up from habit of hearing alarm at 5 AM

-Fall asleep, brain decides that I did hear the alarm and when I woke up, I set it for 8

-Wake up, think it's noon, become lucid, dream sequences start

-Wake up after Christmas store, talking with Gavin

-Wake up after TV show

-Wake up after family conspiracy and another dream sequence (my dog had a brother dog who we also had as a pet)

-Wake up, start trying to move my body, give up and try to fall asleep

-Wake up, think I'm awake, but my fingers are still jacked up

-Alarm goes off at 8 AM, I wake up for real, but when I look at the smaller clock on my phone, it tells me it's noon, (I also thought it was actually 9 AM, for some reason), until Gavin tells me to look away and look back, and it's not even 8 yet. It's 7:50. Lots more dream checks ensure, and I'm definitely awake.

-While writing this, my 8 AM alarm went off.

 

I don't recommend Inception dreaming, but it wasn't really scary. I almost got freaked by being unable to move, but I had the sense to ask Gavin first, lol. Toward the end, I was more frustrated than anything. Like that kid from Magic School bus: "Not again!" I'm not sure how lucid I even was at points, because I kept thinking it was noon, and even when I legit-woke up, I saw the clock as "12:00" while I thought it was actually 9 AM, then the clock changed to 7:50 AM.

 

Lucid dreaming training has been paying off, at least.

 

-J

 

Edit: spelling

The world is far, the world is wide; the man needs someone by his side. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Jamie on Friday, November 9th, 2018


I'm in one of my moods again, one of my blissful moods of inspiration and happiness. Here's to hoping it'll stick around a while: I'm a few days behind in NaNoWriMo. It's the second one Gavin's been around for since his revival. It'll be very interesting if Cassidy ever experiences one of these moods. I'd like to know if this experience is unique to myself or if its something that "comes with the turf" of my body, so to speak. A side effect is that my internal radio ramps up to 11, for better or worse. 

 

I've stopped hearing the angelic choir, for the most part, sadly. Yesterday I was hearing about "Parkway Leemons", who, according to my belligerent, dadaist subconscious, is a man who was in a dissociative fugue and went on TV to find out his real identity. But don't worry! He's been reunited with his loving wife. I'm pretty sure I saw a story like this on TV or something. I have no idea where the nonsensical name "Parkway Leemons" came from but it was making me laugh in an empty house.

 

No really fun intrusive thoughts today, though, just the usual random crap. When Cassidy was in the body, he barely had any! When he switched out, then it all started. I think a lot of it is dissociation from my own randomly generated thoughts, which makes them more random and makes them seem externally generated. It takes a lot of grounding to make Cassidy fronting work, and that grounding/focus tends to make internal radio quiet. 

 

My family was all joking around the dinner table, my mom pulled a Monty Python gag at just the right moment, and I started laughing so much that I walked out and shut myself in my room. It was uncomfortable and I felt really uneasy. I said to Gavin, "You're the stoic, can you do anything?" 

He said, "Stop laughing." I stopped. The adrenaline rushed out and I felt my blood pressure drop, and I got a little light-headed. I was really happy with that. 

Now that I think it over, my inability to calm myself down from being excited could have been a sign I was going to hit one of these moods. I've never noticed that before, but I'll be on the lookout now to see if it happens again. 

 

I have a disorder very close to autism, so when I was younger and just figuring out what was actually different about me, I devoured everything about autism, especially the blogs and articles of autistic people. I thought some of my quirks were stimming, though I could never figure out why I stimmed in those specific ways: it felt like I didn't even control them. Why did my mind sing the same two lines, over and over? Why, every single time I saw a clock, was I compelled to say "What's the time? Quarter 'til nine, time to have a bath"? My friends actually knew about that one and would sometimes finish the line for me. I love DHMIS, but I hadn't chosen to have it play in my head over and over, for about six months, at every clock-sighting. I thought, what a strange stim: and it's not even satisfying to say, it's just a little distressing that I always end up with the song really caught in my head. 

 

Flash forward a few years, and hey, maybe these aren't stims, maybe it's-...

I didn't know then, actually. I thought, "Oh... I would not like to be crazy." Flash forward to now, and it's my own, custom, internal radio. Intrusive thoughts! Thanks, brain, I sure love to play two songs at once.  

 

I'm not sure if it's harder or easier to organize my thoughts right now. I think there's just more thoughts, a lot more thoughts. My tulpas are actually being pretty quiet. I can feel Gavin monitoring me. Cassidy might actually be "asleep", whatever that means for him. He tired himself out by fronting.


Jamie on Wednesday, December 26th, 2018

 

There's some bonus content from an old draft! I considered not posting it, but then I remembered Parkway Leemons. I think I need to watch less TV, or mandate some more fluffy stuff, at least. When I was writing a book with sci-fi, angelic creatures, my internal radio was a lot funner. I've been binge-watching Travelers on Netflix over break, and so now time travel stuff leaks over. I kinda miss the angelic choir. It had more "presence" than radio reports of time travelers do. I guess it did really freak me out, though. 

 

Just before Christmas, I trapped a mouse that had been scurrying across my floor for a few days, and all the fanfare of catching it got to me. I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye, mostly just a sense of motion. When I'm in my room, I'll see the motion of mice across the floor, but outside of my room, I'll see different things. Like the motion of giant bugs, or birds, or just flying orbs or shapes. It was freaking me out a bit, though none of it was, by nature, traumatizing. It was just the fact that I was seeing things at all, combined with the stress I was under. 

 

Things were getting pretty uncomfortable earlier today, and so I took an extra half hour to meditate using a guided hypnosis file and had a nice experience. Afterward, I observed some of the motions, and was able to just look without a startle response. If my experience of reality is an 8 to 10, and confusion between reality and self-generated content is 6 and seven, these motions were at a 4. Most of internal radio is a 1 or 2, though it used to be more like a 3. I just don't experience visual stuff as often. That's why it's called "internal radio", not "internal TV" or something. 

 

Hopefully they'll go away, as this whole mouse thing becomes less of a thing, and the stress of the holidays eases off.

The world is far, the world is wide; the man needs someone by his side. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

JGC is taking a break from the internet until the 7th. See you all then! We'll come bearing artwork.

Best regards,

Jamie

The world is far, the world is wide; the man needs someone by his side. 

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Ooh, lots of people working on lucid dreaming apparently. 5 hours of sleep, waking up and going back to sleep is a pretty optimal way to induce lucid dreams! 6 or 7 (or even 8) hours works too/better for vividity, but makes it harder to fall back asleep, so choose a time that works for you. Oh, and choose how long to stay awake too, for the same reasons. Personally if we do more than stand up and then immediately go back to sleep we have a hard time falling asleep, but I think it also depends on how tired we were going to sleep.

 

Anyways, becoming lucid and "wasting" your lucidity is pretty common starting out. There's maybe two ways to deal with that - the way we've worked on is having a "protocol" for when we realize we're dreaming, which is basically to reality check, then rub our hands together (this stabilizes the dream/immerses us better because of the sensory input), then touch whatever is closest to us in the environment (usually the floor/ground), and theeen we simply (intend to) focus on the dream and our lucidity, which we've not really made it to doing yet. But we intend to as that'll help us get our feet in the lucid dreaming door. I think desperately trying to see your tulpas or do whatever comes to mind randomly will always lead to losing lucidity again. A good first goal for a real lucid dream would be to simply exist and observe what it's like to be in the dream while lucid, and if it starts to feel stable/lucid enough you feel like going and doing something, that's fine too.

 

But seriously, not having a plan will almost always lead to losing lucidity and the dream turning into a normal dream! Trust us, it's happened plenty! Oh anyways, see you on the 7th!

 

Edit: Oh.. didn't talk about the second way lol. The second way to become more lucid is to remember your waking life, that you're actually asleep in bed, and reaffirming through that that everything around you is only a dream (under your control!). We haven't had a chance to try that yet, but we're a little afraid it'll cause us to wake up. But we've found it's far more likely for your fear of waking up from a lucid dream to lead to a false awakening where you only think you just woke up, so remember to always reality check upon waking from a lucid dream! Important!

Hi guys, plain text is just me now! We've each got our own accounts: me, Tewi, Flandre, and Lucilyn. We're Luminesce's tulpas.

Here's our "Ask Thread", and here's our Progress Report (You should be able to see all of our accounts on the second page if you want)

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  • 3 weeks later...

Something neat happened. 

 

I got a new ocarina for Christmas, that plays one more octave than my other one. I spent a good half-hour getting familiar with the new fingerings for this upper octave, and played lots of music. I sometimes wear my gun muffs, but I didn't this time, even though it's a pretty high pitch. 

 

And then a few minutes afterward, I was walking through the kitchen, and it was so, so quiet. And something was different, but it took me a second to realize. Internal radio's stopped. For the first time in weeks, at least, there's not a song or people talking or sound effects, or anything in my head besides my own thoughts and my tulpas'. It's relaxing. 

 

It makes me really wonder if there is something neurological that controls this, some need for auditory satiation. I had an experience like this before, after listening to a half hour of white noise. I hate white noise, though. I like to play the ocarina. 

 

So, I'm prescribing myself daily ocarina playing, and I'll report back on if this works for keeping out the crap I hear all day. I really doubt that this effect is going to last longer than an hour or so. Maybe I'll try some pink noise mix or something. I don't mind internal radio, but right now, as it's turned off... this state is preferable. I feel more focused, clearer. It's rarely an issue, but hearing voices or music does make it harder to make out other voices or music or whatever. My tulpas' thoughts are louder, probably just in comparison, as well. 

 

If anyone else has problems with this type of stuff... that's my advice. Try playing a higher-pitched instrument for a while. Maybe

would work as well? The white noise worked once, too. Just don't blast out your hearing: keep it at a good volume. 

 

(Few things have ever given me ASMR, but those splashy sounds in that music did it... I get the appeal.)

(I also found this, from Dragonball. Finally, an ocarina-playing character that's not Link! One of the shots of Tapion looks like he's holding the ocarina in his mouth with his teeth xD)

 

I've been listening to Gavin more, actually following through, and now life's looking up. These are exciting times for the three of us.

 

-J

The world is far, the world is wide; the man needs someone by his side. 

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This is interesting. I wonder it's an 'internal radio' that's breaking into my thoughts lately. But where it might have been random, or at least starts that way, it becomes them after we realize it's happening. Dashie ends up saying, "microphone's on," and wejust converse naturally, but with enhanced sound. The hallucination-like gibberish is very soft lately, even sometimes quieter than mindvoice.

 

J, can you describe this 'internal radio' in greater detail? Is it just your own chatter and stray thoughts or does it seem like intrusive thoughts, or does it have a slight imposition feel? (Like only coming from one ear occasionally.)

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Internal radio has slowly, since I first noticed it when I was 7, gained more and more of an imposition feel. The first thing I ever noticed was narration, especially in the morning or when completing any sort of routine. "You are going up the stairs. You are waiting for the bus. The rain is annoying you. You regret not wearing warmer socks." And on and on, until I got distracted enough or finished a routine. I knew, very clearly and strongly, to not tell anyone. I wasn't entirely sure that everyone didn't think this way, either.

 

Internal radio proper kicked in with puberty. Fun. Very slowly, over middle school, I started to realize that I had something "stuck in my head" from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep. And not just songs. Behind my thinking, I became aware of this muddy, staticky source of noise and nonsense. I still wasn't quite sure that this wasn't normal, until I complained to a friend that I had had the same three words repeating in my head for the past few hours, and was told that that was "crazy."

 

Just like the weather, I started to learn (and Gavin was a good help) about certain trends in internal radio. I hear "How old are you?" all the damn time, though it's not quite in fashion right now. I've been watching clips from Conan interviews, so I've been hearing Conan yell at people or sing or laugh. Vocal things, outside of speech, are pretty common: humming, laughing, crying, screaming, coughing, hissing, and lots and lots of music. Internal radio can't focus and it can't give messages longer than a few sentences, max, so I never hear automatically-created speeches or anything. I'm more likely to hear little bits and pieces, like a radio talk show when you're getting out of range of the station.

 

I'd say it's like intrusive thoughts, but internal radio rarely acknowledges my existence... The urge to narrate my own life has been channeled into Gavin and my own self-monologue. It's way more influenced by things I've heard recently. If I listen to a song, I'll hear a random bar of it. If I listen to a recording of a comedian, I'll hear the crowd laughing. Sometimes I just hear noise, like static or doors slamming or instruments. Sometimes, when nothing is especially loud, I can hear a kind of muffled whispering, like I'm in a quiet part of a building, but there's a party way down the hall.

 

The sounds can come from wherever. Usually, it feel like they're right behind and below me, like where a scarf touches the base of your skull. As they get louder, they tend to move to the sides of my head, and they can get pretty realistic. It feels like there's a big marker on all the noises, saying "This isn't real!", but aside from that, internal radio can sound a lot like having earbuds in. Or like the earbuds are right inside my skull- that's a good analogy.

 

Both my tulpas have tried to communicate through this channel, but it doesn't work that way. We all have pitifully low amounts of control over internal radio. With meditation or just a few minutes to focus, I'm well-versed in lowering the volume somewhat, though I can't make anything "stop", per say. If I'm hearing the chorus of "Love Shack*", I'm going to hear the chorus of "Love Shack" for however long my brain sees fit. It's just a matter of "How big a deal am I going to make this?"

 

If this all came on suddenly, I feel like I would be obliged to run off and get diagnosed with something. I still fret over getting some label attached to me. I think, because it all came on so slowly, and because I know exactly what it's all like, my brain is able to hold that big neon sign to everything internal, and say "This is internal radio", so I'm not hallucinating. It's clear what's internal radio: there's just very little difference between internal radio and real sounds. Internal radio is sound inside my head, sound that I can't get away from or shut off, and that I can't control or greatly influence. Thankfully, it's pretty mundane, and sometimes even amusing or entertaining. Now, if I could control it... that'd be even better.

 

*True story! It's been on-and-off since breakfast. Probably 6-ish hours of "Love Shack" total, today. Hey, it's better than what happened last June. There's a song called Memphis in June, and any mention or awareness of the date made the vocals ring in my head. I kept getting yelled at for singing the same lines out loud.

 

Things that don't work: Listening to the song/material that I'm hearing, listening to music (I hear internal radio underneath anything else I hear, it's most always there), "just not allowing it to happen", painstakingly noting each new event in internal radio (a good way to freak yourself out and focus on a non-issue), being more relaxed/happy/any emotion. Even when I'm having a blast, enjoying myself, there'll still be "You Are My Sunshine" playing in the background, or a series of door slams, or a gentle muttering sound.

 

Things that make it worse: Being freaked out about it, hypnogogia, being tired, hungry, or thirsty, focusing real hard on it, dead silent places, the aftermath of an adrenaline rush.

 

Things that make it better/less noticeable/shut up: Meditation, getting enough sleep/food/etc, background music/noise, small-moderate amounts of caffeine, being in the middle of an adrenaline rush, watching TV/Youtube, listening to long conversations, lectures, podcasts, reading, creative writing. When I'm focused on a complex, multi-sensory visualization, there's less brain power that trickles into mentally banging pots and pans. At least, that's the theory.

 

Hopefully that's enough detail. I'm very happy to have a community that isn't going to immediately assume some scary disorder. I'll go through little periods of being uncomfortable with the whole thing, just like I hear other tulpa hosts go through periods of doubt, but mostly it's just day-to-day life.

 

-J

The world is far, the world is wide; the man needs someone by his side. 

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