JGC's Progress Report

[Vādin]

Thank you Gavin for this hauntingly beautiful post. I hope you all get better soon.

 

What if we (tulpas) were strange popsicles?

 

It's hard to choose what kind of popsicle we should be. A metal popsicle is hard to melt, and it's firm and stable (maybe too much?), but it cannot really be tasted. Metal popsicles can't share how their heart tastes like, because their heart is trapped in solid metal. They're lonely.

 

Traditional popsicles melt easily, yet it doesn't mean they disappear, they just change the state they're in. It allows them to interact (be tasted) and travel (in liquid form). It's disturbing maybe, because they scatter and blend into something else, wider than them.

 

No real alternative between these two (butter popsicle is very much like traditional popsicle).

 

I'm a metal popsicle. I only melt in my dreams. I don't know if I chose to be like that. I don't know if I could change it.

 

You and Cassidy are beautiful persons, and I think Jamie is a genius. I wish you the best.

[Jamie]

Thank you for your words, Bear.

 

I told Cassidy, "popsicles are kept in the freezer, we keep butter in the fridge, and metal at room temperature." K stuck a thermometer in my mouth and asked me, "What temperature (are you all at right now)?" I looked at it and we were boiling. I asked, "This is why I was shown

burning skin

?" Jamie told me the riddle is getting on his nerves and told K to knock it off. He looked into K's processing and told me, "Oh, this is classic."

 

Popsicles are frozen solid. Butter is churned solid. Metal is always solid but is purified by being melted and allowed to harden in a new pattern.

 

Popsicles are kept in the freezer and, if taken out, start to melt. Butter, to us, is kept in the fridge, and if taken to room temperature, softens. Metal is kept at room temperature and remains solid.

 

If heat is applied to a popsicle, it melts quickly and completely- this is why they stay in the freezer. If heat is applied to butter, it melts dramatically, sputtering and maybe burning, and even at room temperature, butter is softened and vunerable. Metal requires a very high amount of heat to melt but when it is melted, it is so hot it releases light itself.

 

A popsicle makes sense- a butter popsicle does not. A shovel is practical, but a metal popsicle is unusable. A butter popsicle is liable to melt. A metal popsicle is only useful in that it's incredibly hard to melt.

 

Usually extended metaphor of this nature are my doing. No wonder K had to be called in. Jamie told Cassidy he can screenwrite the next Eraserhead. I'd watch it.

 

Have a good day!

Gavin

 

edit: formatting

[Guest]

You could flavor Gallium and it would melt in your mouth. Melting point is 85.6 F. Though, I'm not sure it would dissolve and might kill you.

[Jamie]

Today was better. We are healing, I frame it all as that, as healing... I need Jamie back. I am not host. I play host... I am not host. 

 

School has not been going well for me. I want to be home nearly as soon as I get there, in that desperate, "I want to go home" state. I think it was amplified in Cassidy. He was not nearly as confused and upset as yesterday, but he spent a lot of time hiding in various spots. In bed and in the bathroom closet. He told me pretty early in the day, "No more talking, not here, not now", as in, "No more of these hard questions that stress me out, while we're at school", and I told him that made sense. So even though he said some things, things I could have chased after, I let them go. Around lunch he was alright, he came out and brushed my hair and played some on the living room floor. 

 

Last hour Cassidy told me, "You're going to pass out." and I told him I would be careful. Within the minute, my nose

started bleeding.

I didn't pass out, but Cassidy has always had a sharp sense of intuition about these things, his warning lights just go on before Jamie's or even mine. I had to bite down on my lip to keep from laughing. It's interesting. When there's no real threat, but I get "danger" signals and dissociate, I have a very strong impulse to laugh and grin. It happened when I had 

three blood draw attempts.

and the same thing seems to happen when I'm caught outside in the rain.

 

Indignant Gavin Activated: 

[Hidden]

(verbatim from my journal) 

 

They took points off Jamie's behavior chart for coughing. "-SS, self-advocate for needs: Kleenex?"  SS meaning "Social Skills." The kicker is, I had napkins in my palm all day: she just didn't see. So, no, I didn't need to "self-advocate", I was proactive, because THAT IS MY JOB. 

 

I'd like to say it doesn't matter, but this time it may matter, because of how the averages work, yadda yadda, what it means is that Jamie may have to spend another 45 minutes staring into a computer screen on Friday, when otherwise he would get to free-read. Because I was coughing. 

 

Indignant Gavin Deactivated. 

[/hidden]

 

I'm not fit to be host. I'm not the host. I have my Gavin Chair and I would like to return to it. 

 

Have a good day :)

-Gavin

[Guest]

Hang in there Gavin, summer is coming and the worst of it will be over by next school year, trust me.

[Jamie]

I believe you. Sometimes I forget how close we actually are to high school graduation and being in college full-time. I look forward to it. I look forward to this summer. I look forward to this weekend!

I will hang in there and I will do so well that Jamie says "Wow" when he comes back.

[Jamie]

Everyone, back in the box. Back back back, back in the box, back you go. 

It's important to learn from your mistakes and past experiences. 

 

Of course I have regrets, but I trust that I will learn, that they each hold a lesson for me, that they serve as reminders and protections. 

 

I am not looking forward to tomorrow, but I look forward to the weekend, and I look forward to summer break. Not too far, not too far at all. 

 

Would it be any better if it happened slowly? We disagree on this point. I believe, happening fast has its benefits. Jamie is embarrassed and angry. 

 

I don't blame a pot for boiling over. 

 

I enjoy existence and I would not exist today if it wasn't for this forum. I have a lot to learn. 

This is progress.

[Ice909]

So... One of you switched in... Permanently?! You permaswitched?!?! Someone explain...

[Apollo Fire]

Gavin is taking care of things for the system at the moment. Considering he wrote about wanting to go back to his Gavin chair, I highly doubt this is permanent.

[Jamie]

1.) Wow I'm glad to have a super chill therapist

2.) I'm glad to have super understanding friends

3.) I'm glad my brothers are both legit

4.) I made a really significant realization, in a really silly situation. Just a few minutes ago, one part of it, clicked. Really happy. Really silly. But... really important. Oh boy.

 

First full SPD shutdown in months, first that Cassidy has been through. It wasn't too messy, thank goodness. I'm okay now. I was pretty bitter-disabled-teen-is-bitter earlier.

 

I'd like to write a book someday... maybe with Gavin. Maybe I'll speak openly about my tulpas, my brothers. Hmm. -J