JGC's Progress Report

[GrayTheCat]

Jamie on Sunday, November 3rd, 4th, and 5th, 2018

 

Retrospective prologue: Today's topic is insecurity.

 

I completely relate to this.

 

I picture myself telling someone about my tulpas, and them being totally cool with it, even wanting to meet them. I picture them meeting Cassidy and immediately weirding out, or worse, not respecting that he holds different beliefs than me. (Namely, he's chaste, and anyone I might date would need to understand that fully. Friends would need to understand that he's totally unwilling to make dirty jokes, see NSFW things, etc.) I imagine them saying, "Oh, it's totally fine that Cassidy wants to front!", then being very not-fine when he does. 

 

This reminds me of my own intrusive thoughts of Ranger fronting and then people are like, "hey...something isn't quite right about you..." At this point Ranger just rolls his eyes and he doesn't really care.

 

We are not even ready to explore what that conversation would look like for us.

 

Then everything went straight back to absurdism and I was watching some sort of action, jungle temple escape movie. I don't know. All I remember is a stone idol of a hippo, maybe not a hippo, who knows. I think someone was trying to do the classic "exchange the treasure with something of equal weight so you don't trigger the booby-traps" thing in order to take the stone idol. That's when I woke up. Dreaming is funny. 

 

Hipoooooos!

 

I have tried to Lucid Dream and I could never get it to work, and right now I would rather not worry about it because I have too much trouble sleeping. I only rarely get dreams about Ranger, in fact the only dreams I had with Ranger were logged and reported. I wouldn't beat yourself up if Lucid Dreaming turns out to not be your thing, but it's still worth playing around with for the experience.

[Venomous]

I managed to have around 2-3 total lucid dreams in my entire life and they came pretty quickly after practicing reality checks for at least a week. But I tend to lose interest/focus and stop doing reality checks and ... Yeah.

[Jamie]

Jamie on Sat. Nov 17th, 2018

 

We did it! I was using the "lie-down-and-will-your-mind-to-stay-awake-while-your-body-falls-asleep" method of lucid dreaming, and it worked! I was visualizing Gavin's form, and at some point realized "Oh, I have no awareness of my body, and everything is super vivid." Not in words though, it was more of a "!" and then Gavin said, "You must be dreaming." And he just kept going, moving his fingers and stuff for me to look at.

 

Then the lucid dream stopped, because I snapped over to a new dream. This is, verbatim, what I wrote down about it on the memo pad beside my bed:

"Way-too-tall bartending counter like at Starbucks with Alex (the MC of my NaNoWriMo book) in front and Dashie (yes, Bear's tulpa) behind the counter. She says "Every drink served is an expression of love by me," and there's a plaque with the same words.

 

Alex goes up to the counter and a game of Family Feud starts with the board above Dashie's head. The category is "Most Ordered Food at McDonald's" and Alex plays terribly. Dashie gives him a hint for almost every answer. No. 1 was 'cucumbers' and the last one on the board was "five-fry sandwich', whatever the hell that is.

 

After he won, I felt a presence behind me. I think I thought it was Gavin? Very tall, looming. Before I could turn around, I woke up."

 

Fun times. My character Alex acted true to himself as he sucked at Family Feud and grew increasingly anxious and worked up about it as he played.

 

 

0 = no skill, 10 = goal achieved

Mindscape: 3

Visualization: 4

Auditory imposition: 2

Some degree of tactile imposition: 1

Some degree of visual imposition: 1

Lucid dream skills: 1

 

No more zeros!

[Guest]

Congratulations!

 

Also, that's hillarious.

 

[Dashie] Of course cucumbers, duh.

 

This is just too funny and cute. Thanks for that!

[Guest Reilyn-Alley]

Lol! That sounded like a lot of fun! Congrats guys. :3

Special guest star, Dashie!

[Jamie]

Hey-o. Jamie here. I wanted to go over some interesting experiences I've had with switching and the body's abilities. I tried to keep an open mind when Cassidy and I started switching: maybe he would have physical differences, maybe not. A lot of things took time to develop and/or notice as well. I actually predicted, no, the body's abilities won't change much at all when Cassidy fronts. 

 

Our first switch, which only lasted about thirty seconds... I realized Cassidy's vision was super vivid. Colors were almost overwhelming and any motion seemed way more intense. I have a sensory processing disorder and this experience makes me wonder: did I see like this when I was younger? Have I built up mental protections against/compartmentalized some of my brain's wackiness, but Cassidy bypasses those mental constructions? Or is it the other way around? Does Cassidy, for lack of a better term, have it worse than me? If any of you know of a way to test this, let me know. 

 

This effect toned down after that first experience, but Cassidy will routinely notice colors distinctions that I have never made before: one plant being greener than all the others, a subtle change in the hue of bricks in a wall, things like that. The biggest "Wha-huh?" moment we've had is with vitamins gummies: I've been taking them for literally months and thought they only had two colors: dark red and light yellow-ish. Cassidy happened to be eating dinner, so he opened the jar, and 'woke' me up to say "There's actually three colors." It nearly threw me into the front. I'm not used to things suddenly looking so different. Yes, he was right. 

 

[Edit: Redacted 11/25. I wasn't very smart about sharing that: I realized, wow, that's incredibly identifying information. Not something to put on the internet by any means... It was just more concern about the long-lasting effects of my now-conquered handwriting phobia.]

 

Rapid fire differences between Cassidy and me:

• He can wear long-sleeves
  
• He's more sensitive to caffeine and doesn't like the effects
  
• I do better in fast-paced situations
  
• "Internal radio" plays different music for us 
  
• Our palates are significantly different
  
• I put my hands against my face/chin or rub my fingers over my knuckles to occupy my hands- Cassidy runs his left thumb up and down his right thumb's nail. 
  
• I'm cold all the time- minutes after he switches to the front, the body's goosebumps will go away. 
  

 

Edit: spelling, ironically

[Ember.Vesper]

Our first switch, which only lasted about thirty seconds... I realized Cassidy's vision was super vivid. Colors were almost overwhelming and any motion seemed way more intense. I have a sensory processing disorder and this experience makes me wonder: did I see like this when I was younger? Have I built up mental protections against/compartmentalized some of my brain's wackiness, but Cassidy bypasses those mental constructions? Or is it the other way around? Does Cassidy, for lack of a better term, have it worse than me? If any of you know of a way to test this, let me know.

 

Technically you probably did see like that when you were younger and technically he does bypass some of your 'protections'. SPD may play a role, but it isn't just your system.

 

When I first started switching, all of our senses were suddenly more intense, almost overwhelming. The key factor is that, while I perceive our body's senses all the time, I only control them when switched. The process of filtering sensory information to identify the most relevant and useful parts is called attentional control. Ember's filters are set very high; she stays lost in her own thoughts, or, these days, lost in ours. I actually pay attention and practice a degree of mindfulness, because the physical world is new and beautiful and amazing.

 

It's hard to get anything done if you expend all your mental ability just observing. So, like everyone else, I've had to accept more filtering for the sake of more accomplishment. But I'm trying hard to remember to 'stop and smell the roses' once in a while.

 

-Vesper

[Jamie]

Jamie at 6:15 PM, Thursday November 29th, 2018

---

I'll be honest, I've been having a rough go of things. Coming back to school after Thanksgiving break has been harder than I thought it would be. At the same time, Gavin and Cassidy are shining. They're clear, bright presences in my mind over 90% of the time, and the majority of my inner dialogue involves at least one of them. 

 

I'm so isolated and bored at school, it gets to me. I'm absolutely certain it's having some psychological effects, both negative and neutral, but there's no way to tell what's permanent and what's temporary. 

 

This is very interesting to us: I've started getting blurry with Gavin at school. In retrospect, I think that's what happened back in middle school, at least part of the time. I was moderately dissociated for most of my day -I was numb, but it was just my normal, then-, but if I got really stressed, or had to deal with something, or anything caused adrenaline to start pumping, I would feel like I wasn't real. I would feel like I wasn't moving my body, and my own presence in my mind would feel faint, like I wasn't even having my own thoughts. I was moving, I was thinking, I was dealing calmly and efficiently with the situation- but I had this deep gut feeling, that isn't me. 

 

In the past few days, I've gotten stressed at school and dissociated, and then it's very clear to us: Gavin starts to associate with the body, unintentionally. I'm usually the most dominant, but when I'm not, it appears that Gavin is the one who is shoved in the driver's seat to deal with life. We've spoken a bit about it. The current protocol is for me to take the front, unless Gavin decides otherwise. 

 

It's a bit of rock-paper-scissors, isn't it? I'll push Cassidy out of the front, and Gavin will push me out... Perhaps one day Cassidy will shove Gavin out? That'd be something to see. 

 

Another change: I've never been much of a synesthete, but I've started to vividly smell and taste my hour's music during the school day. It was a little worrying, because these things just tend to worry me, but we all talked it over and agree that it's not bad. I get in a bit of a strange mood sometimes, especially during my hour of music, but tasting the music isn't really a problematic addition for me. I worried it was all in my head (what sense does that make, anyway) until I realized my mouth had started to water. I wonder if it's tied back to the increase in tulpa-specific meditation I've had, if it's something that would always have developed, or if I'm just truly and honestly deprived of sensation to the point of these changes. I hope it's 1 or 2, though 3 wouldn't be the end of the world. 

 

(Update: I just took this synesthesia test and got an 85%, where most synesthetes score in the 90s? Not sure what to make of that- doesn't everyone kinda have colors for the letters and numbers, though? I thought synesthesia was more about other senses than sight.) 

 

Why can't I just stop with all this "ahhh I feel like I'm insane"  thinking? It frustrates me to no end, but I don't know what would need to happen for me to not feel this way. I've told my therapist about my tulpas, and she completely accepted it as a positive thing. I'm in this community of people who I (mostly... ;) ) consider rational and sane. I talk with Gavin and Cassidy about it, I talk about it enough here in this progress report... but I suppose I just need more time. I'm a weird, angsty teen with no peer group, no IRL friends, and some pre-existing conditions that make me worry about the future of our brain. I've considered slapping a note somewhere that says "You aren't crazy!" but I feel like that'd just make me doubt myself more- who has to assert that about themselves? Such impostor syndrome. I guess, I didn't get it over being gifted, so I had to get it over being sane. My, my, my... 

 

I just look forward to a future where this isn't the case: I see myself and my system as fully established, decades old, with all doubt under control. I'm backing up this progress report as one thing I can look back on. That's why Gavin's making a scrapbook. Self-assurance come with time, he tells me. I don't need to worry like this- life is a journey, and it's important to enjoy the ride. 

 

I wish there wasn't such intense stigma against plurality. I didn't choose it, at first: but I chose to go back, and I struggle with that choice more than anything else. Before I found out about tulpas, the plan was to literally never mention Gavin and to forget he ever existed. Safe to say, I've done a 180 from that viewpoint. 

 

Invoking my personal muses, 

Jamie

 

Edit: Spelling.

[GrayTheCat]

Anxiety's a bitch eh? I swear I have tried to diagnose myself with schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, cancer, etc. because I was stressed out and I felt like I was getting somewhere when I wasn't. My best advice for you is realize that life changes, as you get older the less weird your world will seem and it won't bother you as much any more. The other thing I want to point out is having this paranoia isn't the end of the world- it's just you trying to process stuff around you, that's all. Try to give yourself a little bit of time before jumping to conclusions though!

[Ember.Vesper]

So... what does music taste and smell like? I've never experienced any synesthesia. Numbers and letters definitely don't have associated colors for us.

 

High school is a socially toxic environment for a lot of people, maybe even most. And I was 23 before I made a really close friend, so don't give up. (Still have her, too.) There are a lot of people out there who can handle plurality. Among people I know in real life, six have met Vesper and four of those she now considers friends. If you can find your peer group, even if it has to wait till after high school, you can probably find people who can accept your headmates.

 

-Ember