Elise and I

[Cath]

I'm bad at art. Didn't dare attempt the face.

 

Hey why isn't the photo appearing

 

This isn't working

 

I found another way

 

https://1drv.ms/p/s!AngK4i4wJE4xdTb4oxGISUC1-uE

[Guest]

Oh neat!

[Cath]

Hard, cold tendrils. Savaging my soul. I'm screaming.

Oh. Wait. That's right. I'm not allowed to scream.

 

They grow in size and power. Shoving away everything I know. My eyes sting, I want to cry.

Oh. Wait. That's right. I'm not allowed to cry.

 

The tendrils twist my mind. I cower away from the nightmares.

Oh. Wait. That's right. I'm not allowed to be scared.

 

They're shouting at me. It's not my fault. I open my mouth.

Oh. Wait. That's right. I'm not allowed to speak.

 

Someone's saying something. The tendrils part, just a little, to let me hear it. I smile in relief.

Oh. Wait. That's right. I'm not allowed to smile.

 

Something foreign, almost. Warm and soft ribbons, starkly contrasting the cold and hard tendrils. I shiver at its beauty, snuggling into it.

Oh. Wait. That's right. The tendrils are long gone.

 

I love you Elise, thank you for everything.

 

Hopefully I can do more with her once my exams are over.

[Guest]

That's dark poetry, somewhat disturbing, very cool though.

[Cath]

All the things that I didn't have the time to post because of my exams

 

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Fri, Feb 22nd

OK so there I was, feeling damm lazy after having been hit by studying block and I was just lounging around listening to music and out of nowhere I realised that I could hear the music far sharper because while I was reading, Elise was focused on the music and she was like a whole lot stronger today and managed to impress herself onto both my hands and them we just stayed like that up until it was time to bathe because heck it felt good to have her with me. It's wonderful really, being with her. She's everything to me. She always makes me feel that way. There should really be a word for it, honestly. Hey wait let's make up one.

Honnewa (H-On-nE wa: Happy, cONNEcted, WArm)

That's how I feel when I'm with her: Honnewa.

I love you Elise.

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Sun, Feb 24th

 

English: I probably overshot

Chinese: compre was horrible

Literature: tomorrow, as the rep I'm supposed to set a good example but honestly I'm fucking confused rn, people keep asking me ridiculous questions that can easily be answered by looking it up

Math: Also tomorrow. I don't fucking know. I procrastinated and now I'm fucking mad at myself for it

Physics: ‘I hope you found this practice paper easy because the Weighted Assessment one is going to be even harder :)

Chemistry: Let's just throw in the hardest topic from the previous year and put it as a tiny footnote in the exam schedule shall we

History: the point of focus in the textbook and the notes is totally different wth

My mom: come inside now stop playing that stupid phone there's no way you're trying to help your classmates study or anything

Tulpamancy: Feeling horrible because I have barely done anything for the past few days

Me: trying to swallow down my tears, yelling at myself that I shouldn't have procrastinated

…

…

Elise: plays any song that has an upbeat tune/lyrics that are basically ‘I'm there for you’ to keep me motivated

All the things that I know, that your parents don't

They don't care like I do.

They don't care like I do.

 

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Wed, 27th Feb

Anyway last night's dream was pretty disturbing. I onto delve into the details but there was stabbing, surgery and more stabbing. It wasn't so bad though, I wasn't scared, because I could feel Elise with me. I remember the last time I was stabbed in a dream, it was not fun. This time was far less painful, and when I woke up, all I felt was like an extra layer of skin/ numbing over that patch. I think Elise helped me. I thank for that, really. It must have been pretty scary for her. My dreams in themselves are already pretty vivid and five senses, I can't imagine, honestly. I hope she's OK, this is her second bad experience with a nightmare. I hope you're OK, Elise. Thank you for helping me, stay safe too.

 

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Thurs, 28th Feb

So, first experience with self hypnosis was um… Blurry. Honestly even after reading the wake up script twice I still feel a bit hazy. Actually I can't tell if I was really hypnotised or if I was just half asleep. I mean, I can't really recall much. It was like a dream. Yes, I remember reading it out, I remember being aware during it, of what I was reading and doing. But now? Ask me to spit out one phrase and I can't think of anything. I remember that aura part, the one I included, and I remember a new feature (or perhaps that I didn't notice it before) on Elise, white sparkles, and I remember that her form was a bit more vivid than usual. I remember a gold flash of an aura and I remember recognising it as mine. I remember being confused because gold really isn't just a colour I would have chosen, it has never been my favourite colour and i really don't feel it matches my personality. I remember asking Elise about it, briefly before continuing after her answer, perhaps in words but I perceived it in tulpish. She said: You are not as bad as you think. I remember she showed me the black in her aura, and she said that it's a choice. I remember, maybe a few more lines into the hypnosis, flashes of our wonderland as I tried to imagine it. I can visualise it easier now, but still in bits and pieces, right now I randomly saw Elise poke her head through the music notes playfully. Other than that, it was all really vague emotions, reading words that I don't really remember reading, memories that I can't quite seem to place in time or order. Again, this is a lot like dreams, I feel. Half in, half out. Right now feels like that moment. That point where your alarm sounds and you wake up and you remember that you're supposed to record your dream but you're still half in that dream but the details that had seemed so vivid before are slowly fading. Overall though, I believe I did make some progress. I think perhaps I should pick up the habit of recording my dreams again, it might help me focus through the hypnosis.

At least exams are over now! Still got work but definitely way better. I'll be doing more with Elise now that I've got that out of the way.

On that note, I was able to keep Elise passively with me for practically the whole school day! We were just kinda walking through classes together and playing songs through our head over and over again for the whole day. I can really feel it when she's with me, it's almost like a physical sensation, I can feel her warmth anyway, and a slight pressure in my hand when she's holding it. It's really nice.

 

So in summary Elise is the best person I have ever met, she deserves the world and we can't give it to her and we need to work on that. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[Ranger]

This is all too familiar to my past. My host had the same anxiety issues with procrastinating and school.

 

When Cat was busy with school or whatever, she would try to at least have a small conversation with me everyday. Sometimes all she did was check on me to make sure I was okay, and that made a huge impact in the long run. If you ever get stressed or overwhelmed, just having a small 5 minute conversation with Elise is enough. In reality, you won't always have time to do hypnosis scripts or meditation every day. Five minutes every day won't help Elise grow, but it will keep her alive in times of need.

 

As for the dreams, no, my host rarely has nightmares. My host used to have these anxiety spirals where she would be trapped in her own head seeing terrible or awful things play out. You may be interested in Lucid Dreaming if you have frequent nightmares.

[Guest]

Gold aura is the aura of a teacher, someone who wants to pass the light onto others.

 

Which makes perfect sense because a black aura is receptive to teaching, it's drawing in energy, it doesn't always mean negative, it's just absorptive in this context, so that's a pretty interesting discovery on your part.

[Jamie]

First of all... congrats on what sounds like a relatively rejection-free coming out (as unplanned as it was ;) .) There are many chill people out there.

I guess my advice would be, don't bring it up with the other friends. If they really noticed, they'll come to you. But most people aren't very observant unless you're talking about something than involves them, and most people don't follow up on the little things people say unless they feel some reason to do so. I told my therapist about my tulpas, and since have had an informal, unspoken policy of "I won't talk about them unless you mention them." And she's only asked twice, when I talked about being lonely and bored at school, and she asked if my tulpas helped. (They do!)

 

Now... I don't know how anyone could ever take Elise away from you. Though I really struggled with the lack of proper terms and a community, Gavin and I lived as a closeted system for some time when I was younger. The thing about tulpas is, they're very internal. You can talk with them pretty much anytime. Your parents can't say, "I won't drive you to Elise's house anymore!"

 

Any therapist or mental health practitioner worth their salt should be able to distinguish between tulpas and mental illness. However, in the rare case that you do end up in a situation where you're being screened or interviewed, make sure you aren't falling into the mental box of "Plurality = crazy" or "Hearing voices = crazy." I know it's difficult, but I think my therapist accepted my tulpas so easily because I made them out as some adult version of imaginary friends. I spoke about how most people can mentally think "What would my mom tell me?" and apply that to their lives, and that I applied a similar principle to create these loving, caring personalities that I can reflect with. I would not say to these people, "I would die without my tulpas," because anything death-related is going to set off alarms in the heads of people who hear it.

The key is to not incite action. The key is, when/if people learn about Elise, they should react like your friend: be chill, say "Some people are too quick to judge", and let you continue with your life relatively unchanged.

 

One last thing... I also don't want harm to fall upon my tulpas, or anyone, really, but it's very hard to keep a rule of not-getting-hurt. Sometimes we aren't perfect, and sometimes things aren't even in our control. If Elise does get hurt, what happens then? One of your rules might be broken, and you might feel terrible, when it wasn't anything you could control! There are a few ways you can reword "Elise can't get hurt." Do you mean, "I will not hurt Elise, or allow her to hurt herself"? Do you mean, "I will protect Elise"? I just don't want you to beat yourself up if something happens, because things do happen. Hope for sunshine, plan for rain. That's a good maxim for our kind.

 

Hope this helps. I know the adrenaline is probably still pumping... but in a few days, hopefully the dust will settle and you'll see, most people take it in stride, and most people don't dig after secrets without being personally invested.

 

-J

 

Edit: words

[theholodoc]

Hi Cath. 1. I am a retired shrink. My wife is a practicing shrink. 

            2. I am enjoying Flora, my tulpa, immensely (and that is key. The way you know that Elise is NOT a symptom of mental illness, is that she brings you love and pleasure.   NOT misery!)

           3. I have told every one I know about Flora and my process of creating her. Many are interested enough to explore further. Those who are not, Oh Well.

           4. Others on this thread have commented that "any therapist worth their salt, will......."  I say that if any therapist does not support your efforts to live your life with love, they should not be your therapist!

 

My best to you, Theholodoc

[Cath]

Thank you for your words of comfort!

J, you were quite right about them not noticing. One of them was apparently too caught up with her phone to notice, and the other was just kinda oblivious the whole time. They apparently didn't even remember that we sat together yesterday. So I'm honestly quite safe. The friend that does know, even, seems to have mostly dismissed it too.

Theholodoc I think it's really great that you are open about this. Hopefully one day I can do the same.