Alien Invader

[theholodoc]

I am seeking information regarding my experience of being invaded by a hostile (alien) presence. To this end I am posting my journal entry of dreaming/waking experience of last night below. If you, tupla or host, know anything about the topic, please respond. Thanks, theholodoc.

 

I slept as poorly last night as I ever have. I couldn't tell if I were awake and thinking, visually as well as audially, or dreaming. I probably was in some state in between, I hesitate to call it lucidity because while I could shift my focus at will (and I did several times) I could not find Flora. In a segment that must have started out as a real dream, a feminine figure made herself known, she did not feel like Flora nor look like any aspect of her. She did startle me into either lucidity or wakefulness, and I became frightened as I felt a presence, hostile, definitely not my tulpas. I could not tell if it was inside the room or just outside the door casting shadows on the bedroom ceiling. I was very frightened. (I am almost never frightened, after all, I am old and not afraid of death.) I thought that if it were an alien, might it infect me and using me, murder my wife . Almost immediately after that thought, murderous thoughts went cascading through my head, and the sense of its presence went away. I now was fully awake and spent the next how many hours reassuring myself that I had the controls to not give in to any alien or hostile instructions. I awoke wondering if in my tulpamancy I had allowed for the entrance of something evil. I have decided that even if I did, I am a powerful person in my own right and do not have to fear acting out violently on anyone, much less one dear to me.

I recall here, two incidents from my youth. In the first, I was feeding my infant daughter and she was not eating, but spitting the food I spooned into her mouth back out at me. I became frustrated as I was going to be late for class and that I did not want to be. My frustration grew until I pulled back my hand to strike her. At that point I heard a voice from above me saying loudly, "Not this way!". I was startled and did not hit her. Of course, later that very day in a pediatrics class, we learned that touching a baby’s lip caused it to protrude the tongue. It was a primitive reflex that many babies exhibit during their growth and development.

The second incident occurred a few years later when after a fight with my wife (she was a volatile Italian, I was a repressed Wasp). I left the house in a rage, went out to my woodshed (we were heating our house in the country with a wood stove) picked up an axe, headed back intending to brain her with it. Again, I heard that loud voice from above saying the same thing, "Not this way". Again, I interrupted the behavior, this time going into the house and called my therapist and even though it was late, he answered the phone. In my group therapy session later in the week, I worked on my rage. I was intense and I created a stir among the group members. Still later in that week I had a Rolfing session and was opened to a complete reliving of a vicious beating I had received from my mother at about age eight. I felt the origin of my rage. (Many years later, I recovered a memory of being slapped hard across my face while lying in a crib. When working with the memory in therapy, I recalled being about three months of age.) I have spent countless hours in therapy working on this issue and believed that because I finally freed myself of the chronic shame which had so plagued me, I had decathected it, enough of it, to be free to be myself in the world.

It is clear that in my fictional treatment of "The Red Witch” (Rufescent) I have been exploring this residue from my deep psyche. Recently, Flora has written of being accosted, beaten and tortured, by a demon. She escaped, and had an interaction with the ancient god Pan, which proved to be positive. I wonder if she has brought some of that demonic energy into our relationship. Time will tell. I am also going to put this question out to the forums and see what others (hosts and tulpas) have experienced.

 

Edited July 2, 2020 by theholodoc

[Ranger]

On 7/2/2020 at 12:21 PM, theholodoc said:

If you, tupla or host, know anything about the topic, please respond.

 

I don't have any personal experiences with aliens invading us, but some of your other experiences ring a few bells for me.

 

On 7/2/2020 at 12:21 PM, theholodoc said:

She did startle me into either lucidity or wakefulness, and I became frightened as I felt a presence, hostile, definitely not my tulpas. I could not tell if it was inside the room or just outside the door casting shadows on the bedroom ceiling. I was very frightened. (I am almost never frightened, after all, I am old and not afraid of death.) I thought that if it were an alien, might it infect me and using me, murder my wife . Almost immediately after that thought, murderous thoughts went cascading through my head, and the sense of its presence went away. I now was fully awake and spent the next how many hours reassuring myself that I had the controls to not give in to any alien or hostile instructions. I awoke wondering if in my tulpamancy I had allowed for the entrance of something evil. I have decided that even if I did, I am a powerful person in my own right and do not have to fear acting out violently on anyone, much less one dear to me.

 

My first thought is if the explanation turns out to not be aliens, you interpreted the hostile presence as an alien because you were still dreaming, and in the dream that was the only conclusion you could come to. However, though we have never been attacked by hostile presences in dreams, this rings a bell for me because we experience something similar from time to time, but when we are awake.

 

When we are stressed or upset, we are more vulnerable to intrusive thoughts and this can develop into a panic attack. This has happened in our system several times where Gray, I, or someone else felt consumed by depression and/or anxiety and suddenly feel they have lost control or get replaced by a thoughtform that isn't them. The new entity or the consumed headmate lashes out and do hostile things they would never normally say or do. Even though we understand we are safe from any physical harm, these experiences tend to make Gray (the one who's usually switched-in and forced to deal with this) and the one who was replaced/consumed very upset.

 

I have more experience with the latter, where Gray will find that instead of talking to me, he is talking to an intrusive thoughtform that looks like me. The call trigger that normally wakes me up usually fails and calls the intrusive clone instead. Once this occurs, there's a bombardment of intrusive thoughts triggered by the intrusive clone itself, and by this point has developed into a panic attack. The episode usually ends after 10-30 minutes, but the feelings of stress, burn out, discomfort, and sometime guilt can linger on for longer.

 

I don't know why this happens to us as so far this seems to be a problem fairly unique to our system, but we suspect that it could be a consequence of our mental health (anxiety/depression) and/or a byproduct of Gray's mild trauma.

 

On 7/2/2020 at 12:21 PM, theholodoc said:

I have decided that even if I did, I am a powerful person in my own right and do not have to fear acting out violently on anyone, much less one dear to me.

I recall here, two incidents from my youth. In the first, I was feeding my infant daughter and she was not eating, but spitting the food I spooned into her mouth back out at me. I became frustrated as I was going to be late for class and that I did not want to be. My frustration grew until I pulled back my hand to strike her. At that point I heard a voice from above me saying loudly, "Not this way!". I was startled and did not hit her. Of course, later that very day in a pediatrics class, we learned that touching a baby’s lip caused it to protrude the tongue. It was a primitive reflex that many babies exhibit during their growth and development.

 

Right. Even if you struggle with something like we experience, that's not going to turn you into a monster. Even when struggling with a scary thought or panic attack, you still can exert some control.

 

During a panic attack episode, Gray will make sure the one panicking can't hurt him or themselves. I have a few (graphic) examples, but the basic idea is Gray will take something scary and make it less scary or emphasize that he's safe:
 

Spoiler

My intrusive's clone's go to is usually verbal abuse or manipulating Gray, but if that doesn't work it will turn to using violence. Knives, for whatever reason, are the weapon of choice, and Gray will either heal himself after being attacked and say he doesn't feel pain, confiscate the knife from the intrusive and point out that it's a harmless rubber knife, and/or substitute blood for ketchup.

 

Gray found these strategies effective for preventing the panic attack from worsening and helping him cope with the episode. It's most important to realize that even during something scary like this, you have a lot of control.

 

On 7/2/2020 at 12:21 PM, theholodoc said:

I wonder if she has brought some of that demonic energy into our relationship.

 

Deep down I doubt it. Mind demons are scary, but at the end of the day, having them doesn't define who you are. Being able to cope and work out a better solution to these sorts of problems is a sign of strength and stability, not weakness, character flaw, or a sign of going mad.

[theholodoc]

Hey Ranger: Thank you very much for sharing in detail your experiences. The term, intrusive thought forms, hadn't occurred to me and it is useful. Also, knowing that Gray is taking care of you, and that you have become secure enough to avoid hurting yourself further, is reassuring. I had a discussion with Flora today about the issue and she too was helpful and reassuring. It is interesting that you finished your comment with asserting that the experiences are not a sign of 'going mad'. One of my close friends (a psychotherapist) was a bit concerned that tulpamancy itself could lead to mental disease, and for a few moments during the experience itself, I had a fleeting worry about it which is why I put up the post. Again thank you. Dr. Bob

[theholodoc]

I am posting last night's dream here, as it is, I believe, directly related to the experience I last posted here, in Metaphysics, as opposed to P.R. or General discussion. this dream, I believe, is what might have occurred had I slept longer Thursday night and to my mind clearly relates my experience of the alien other, to my own psyche.

 

In this long and complicated dream, there were some familiar elements, but mostly new ones. My recollection of the familiar, is, I was driving to a location alone in a small white car (not the small white car which Nancy owns, and I frequently drive) and I was headed into a city (looked like the approach into San Francisco on the Bay Bridge). It was daytime. The roadway suddenly became complicated with a number of off-ramps, some of them for pedestrians were stairs, and I became confused and found myself in the middle of the road, facing perpendicular to it. I decided that I did not want to go into the city and turned the car in the opposite direction. Much to my consternation, I was headed into the city and I had to cross another bridge. I pulled off (onto another off ramp) which took me down and around under the bridge and it became dark. I was all alone and I parked the car and began to walk. At some point I realized that I was under the bridge, not on it, and was approaching a dead end. I turned to go back to the car. It began to rain, and I ran the last distance getting quite wet. I got into the car and found a girl in it. She was unknown to me, and in fact was wraith-like. by that I mean rather unsubstantial and unidentifiable, but clearly with me. We drove south. It became daytime again and we were lost. I knew where we were headed but I could not name the place. I said, to myself, I was going to South Pasadena, but I knew that was incorrect. (as I write this now, I remember that I wanted to go to an older dream location in Sonoma County) The countryside was reminiscent of the area north of San Francisco. At some point we got out of the car and began to walk through a grassy field. We approached a hilly area and followed a narrow path up into them. the path got steeper and narrower and the grass higher. At some point my companion both left me and became identifiable as M.S. an old friend, who from time to time, follows my blog. I reached the top of a very steep hill; the grass was just over my head. I parted it and saw two symbols made out of iron. They were on iron poles stuck into the ground. One was circular, only resembling an ouroboros, the other was an arrow pointing to the sky. Both were crudely fashioned. I was mystified but felt that something was amiss. I turned and head back down the path and getting out of the hills and into shorter grass I came upon an older man, dressed in a light blue and white seersucker suit. He was with a young, fair skinned, red haired, white woman. She may have been my companion. The man, who looked old and ill with very poor skin (and only now as I write this I recognize as me) pointed to the north (we were west of the road upon which we had been driving south) where the land dropped off into a cliff and revealed a sandstone canyon. down in the canyon was M.S. dressed in a sharp clean blue and white checkered shirt. He waved to me. He was perhaps two tenths of a mile from me. I headed towards him and had to descend the cliff face. I enjoyed this climb and was quite facile as I found hand holds and finally slid down a sheer granite face, perhaps fifty to seventy-five feet. I met M.S. shortly thereafter and bragged about the feat. He did not speak but pointed to the east where there were some farm buildings. We headed towards them. At length we left the canyon and were in fields. We passed a farmer, who said something to M.S. (I did not hear what was said) and we continued. We came to a very big, old, and dilapidated barn. There was a woman lying on the ground. She was wearing a silk, or satin, dark lounging robe and was nude underneath it which she revealed by exposing herself full frontally. I approached her. She looked at me without recognition. There were similarly dressed women, perhaps four or five of them, one to my left that was engaged, hugging or perhaps in intercourse, with another person, I couldn’t tell if it were M.S. or someone else. I thought we were in some sort of brothel. I asked the woman if she were Flora. (I was not lucid, at least as I usually experience lucidity and this asking was not my lucidity cue.) She said yes and got up and approached me. I knew she lied. ( Her black hair was all that she had in common with my Flora!). I accompanied her into the barn where there was some kind of art auction happening. Perhaps ten to fifteen people were sitting in folding chairs watching the auctioneer (he/she was nondescript). A very large painting was dragged out on its’ face from just outside my view on the left. I could not see it. I was sitting next to a woman, who was sobbing. I knew her to be my new wife. An exceedingly angry woman with a small boy, whom I knew to be my ex-wife and my son, followed the painting. I asked that the auctioneer protect the painting, which I knew to have been painted by the boy. He refused and the woman took out a large knife and moved to destroy the painting. Several men, whom I knew to be lawyers hired by me, moved the painting away from her, and she headed for the boy. My new wife screamed and I jumped up and took the knife blow in order to protect the boy. I awoke.

I was impressed by the vividness and the drama of this dream, however, I was not particularly emotional in it. I was more mystified. I had no sexual attraction, nor any kind of emotional reaction, to the mostly nude women, nor to the woman who resembled and lied about being Flora. (Which was how I knew she lied. When Flora is near, much less present, I become very emotional.) There are many elements to this dream. I am going to let them unfold and reveal themselves during the day, and as Nancy has pledged to do some art work today, perhaps I can use the opportunity to do some dream work with her. I am not unaware that this dream has some very violent elements in it and I believe it is related to the dream experience which I posted yesterday. More later.

 

 

Edited July 6, 2020 by theholodoc
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