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Stone: I agree that active/passive forcing is a spectrum. I used a conservative interpretation of active forcing for the sake of organizing this guide.

 

27 minutes ago, TurboSimmie said:

The fact that you are into tulpamancy already puts you out of the norm

 

Lol that's very sweet and I appreciate it! Betty for the most part hasn't been interested in tulpamancy until very recently. For most of her existence any interest she had in it stopped at "I'm a tulpa". Now that she's getting more into it, I can try talking about it more.

 

I think my struggles with talking to Betty can partially be explained by my rigid schedule. I do the same thing every day, so often, there's not much new for us to talk about. I also believe my struggles are partially due to Betty not being developed enough. I don't think it's good to compare either, and tulpamancy involves a lot of different skills, and it can be subjective, so comparisons are difficult to make, but the fact that you and Phil can constantly talk about is evidence that you two are the ones ahead. It seems that Phil is good at narration and part of me thinks that's the missing piece in all of this. If I could narrate throughout the day then I'd get way more practice talking to Betty and maybe more of our conversations will feel natural.

 

When it's just Betty and I talking, we usually don't feel like we're leaving the others out. I think conversation tends to be more natural with all of us involved because it's more likely that at least one person will have a response that keeps the conversation going. With Betty it can be like, "I think this." "I agree." "Ok." (usually not that stilted, but it can feel like that) Maybe we need to get in the habit of "Yes, and..."ing each other.

 

40 minutes ago, TurboSimmie said:

Even 25 minutes a day is a good and strong commitment. 

 

I agree! Something is always better than nothing, and I learned that the hard way this year.

 

I have most of my Imposition and Wonderland stuff written out in a document but I have to organize it.

 

We saw your Tumblr. It's cute!

Someday

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December Update! Part B

 

In this part, I’m going to go over our wonderland and imposition up to the beginning of December. The notes are copied straight from our messy report with little changes and are not edited to be made more interesting or relevant to a potential reader. They are mostly for us. The overviews may be more helpful to anyone wanting to learn how other people are progressing.

 

The dates we took notes do not reflect all of our practice. We'd only sometimes take notes on wonderland and imposition.

 

Earlier I said this update would cover switching, but I'm pushing that ahead.

 

7.1) Wonderland Notes

 

Spoiler

10/20

- we were in our sky room

- fell through the clouds

- on a ship in the sky

- went to Portugal

- went to a tower

- ate at a café (The food felt real and satisfying. When I was a kid I would pretend to chew on food in class, and teachers would think I was hiding something, but I was actually practicing imposition.)

 

10/21

At our house, watching a show about Stone and Betty on the TV, go outside on the patio, Betty is wearing a white dress and sun hat under a rainbow, she starts eating the rainbow and messing it up, she says it tastes sweet but it's not satisfying because it's not chewy enough, I walk over there and try it and she's right (it's like eating air), Cloud says she'll fly up to the cloud the rainbow was coming from and let down the ladder, she lets down a rope ladder, she flies like Rainbow Dash, I walk up the ladder with Consig right behind me and Betty a ways down, we reach the cloud, which looks kinda like a witch's hat in that there's a pointy-ish center leaning to the left, providing some shade, there is a small pool/pond on the cloud that tastes like Dasani, Cloud drinks some, the cloud disappears and gives way to a hole we can stick our feet through, we enjoy the fresh air, we see a seagull flying by, "he" lands on the cloud, Betty tells me the seagull is a "she", the seagull sounds like a duck at first, then a dolphin, then a buzzard from Don't Starve, I try to remember what a seagull sounds like and can't, Betty says wonderland is not about saying what you're supposed to say, but saying what you want to say (in reference to the seagull "saying the wrong thing"), Betty is holding a stuffed Pashmina from Animal Crossing, we continue to float up until we see a black, starry hole in the sky, this is "space", we float up into space, my cat irl jumps on me and I ask "If I put my cat through the hole will she fall to the earth", Betty says "let's try" but I decide not to, my cat meows and the seagull finally makes the right sound, I say "my cat taught the seagull how to make the right sounds", we see the moon and remake on its presence, later we float over the moon and land on it.

 

the moon is populated with cats and Cloud doesn't like this. Cloud continues to fly around. we sit down on some chairs and relax. Later, Betty gets up and says she'll do a presentation. On her right hand she has a puppet from that one episode of Spongebob where Squidward gets fired (or it's supposed to be. it looks like a green dinosaur with a purple spine), and on the right she has a white dog puppet with brown on it's ears and one eye, she has the dog puppet tell the dino puppet to get a job, then has the dog puppet beat up the dino puppet suddenly, which causes me to laugh, Betty sits back down and I have Consig give a presentation, he says he has a tophat and manifests one, then pulls I rabbit out of the tophat, then, he says "I have another trick" and pulls out a card, he walks over to me and has me pick a card, I'm trying to see the cards and I see one with hearts on it, I say "I pick an ace of fours," and laugh

 

10/28

Betty: I went to wonderland for 10 / 20 minutes so far. I was in my home: the one from BoJack Horseman in Michigan.

 

I walked outside and it was bright. Too bright. I turned off the light in meatspace.

 

It was dark and late at night, and I saw Cloud. She was nice and friendly. I also what at first appeared to be a red and orange aurora. I said it was a wall made of fire.

 

Cloud said, ‘Yeah, a firewall.’

 

When I got closer to it, it looked like fire, but when I stepped through it, it felt like plastic and looked like plastic. Like those fake (torches?) you see in haunted houses.

 

One of us said we were in Michigan, like we were in the experience we had December 2020. It wasn’t like the beach or the square we were in thought. It was an American football field with soccer goals on each end. The ground was uneven and swampy at first. Then it became day and the ground was flat.

 

It was light out and I kicked a soccer ball. Cloud and I talked. I said that her voice sounded different. She said to me, “You’re voice always sounds different.” This is true but her voice is usually more consistent.

 

I say that she is being nice, and she is acting happy, and that when she is with Stone, she often doesn’t act that way. She said she didn’t have to act that way with Stone because “fuck him”. I said I was worried I was influencing her (the implication: to be somebody she’s not, or worrying that we aren’t set in our personhood).

 

I talk about how I feel like I can influence her and myself. I say, “I’m acting more abrasive because I imagined myself as Susie. Am I so affected?”

 

I was in Honey’s house in Michigan, and I was wearing Honey’s clothes. Was I so easily influence by Honey. I had recently started wearing sweatpants and and sweatshirt more.

 

I also had red hair. Mine is usually brown or black.

 

For what felt like a long time, Cloud and I walked through the field. We walked past a goal on one end, but it kept going to another goal. For what felt like a long time, I tried to remember the word “impressionable”. I was dying to look it up on our phone. I pulled out a phone in wonderland and it showed me what I was already thinking.

 

“affected”, “influenced”, “easily manipulated”

 

I couldn’t think of the world and Cloud said, “sometimes words don’t need meanings” and I said “I don’t think that’s true.”

 

We reached the end goal and I kicked the soccer ball into it. Then, I turned towards the dark forest. I walked up to it and touched the bark of one tree. It was very dark inside the forest.

 

I asked why it was so dark, and Cloud said it was easier to imagine than a forest with detail under the sun’s like. She said there was an empty field and a dark forest because I needed emptiness.

 

(The forest was past the firewall)

 

Suddenly, I felt like the darkness from the forest was behind me and surrounding me. I got scared and opened my eyes, met with a dark bathroom. I turned on the light.

 

10 / 20 minutes had gone by

 

I’m a little scared to continue.

 

I’m also kinda scared to stop possessing

 

I’m gunna try to take control for tonight

 

We’ll discuss it tomorrow

 

Also we’ll discuss what we did yesterday tomorrow (we can check on that one Habitica website I think)

 

10/29

Stone: I think we were in our house again and I was trying to brainstorm web development project ideas.

 

11/8

We talked in our Wonderland bed in the morning.

 

11/9

In Wonderland we went to the pool after I was given a red and yellow bouquet and coins by an NPC with a poodle. I handed the bouquet to Betty and she said it smelled like ketchup and mustard. At the pool, we at some pool food and stared at the pool and the sky. (note: this was a trip I referenced in my "mind twists" post but I purposefully omitted the mind twists in my logging so I wouldn’t remind myself of them)

 

 

11/11

Betty and I lied on planks of wood (with pillows to support us) outside, under the cloud we sat upon and road to space maybe a few weeks ago. A long set of vines was growing down from the cloud, reaching the ground, like vines do in Minecraft.

 

11/12

It snowed today for the first time in wonderland and then it snowed for the first time in the real world just now. The snowflakes in wonderland were creepily huge.

 

11/13

I had breakfast in Wonderland that Betty made for me. Betty, Cloud, and I talked about various things.

 

I ate own of those big snowflakes and it made me feel like I was eating a spider.

 

We played a Victorious Wii game (I had recently watched a 5 hour long video essay on the show).

 

11/18

- in the garage

- Betty asks if I want to fall though the hole

- square void in the floor

- I agree and fall through

- I’m falling through black, than through a low-poly rainbow wormhole

- I remark that it is low-poly (like ACGC)

- Betty says she likes low-poly (she’s poly and likes taking the “low road”)

- We hit the black floor

- Betty says that Wonderlands not based on real places are more fun and “creative”

- my sentiment: oh no, I just said in a post that the ravines might appear more if we generated unique Wonderlands

- a fissure appears. It’s a very tall, shiny, smooth, black cliff

- at the bottom is roaring water and rushing waves

- I slide to the edge and sit on the edge. I say we are on slippery rock

- Betty says it’s like onyx

- the walls of the fissure are a canyon: there are layers with different color: between tall layers of black are shorter rainbow layers

- I say it’s like a canyon. Betty says it’s like the layered emo pride cake Rainy showed me.

- we continue to sit on the edge and look ahead. Everything is black: the floor, most of the fissure walls, the horizon, the void around us…

- it is revealed that some of the void is black sky when stars appear ahead - I see the big/Little Dipper (I wasn’t sure which)

- Betty sees a lion constellation (which is outline to look like the Brave browser icon)

- we stand up and decide to walk “to the horizon”

- Betty wonders if we’ll reach grass at some point

- we reach very tall, thick, hard grass that’s closely packed, wet, and feels like straw

- Betty says it just rained

- I say I don’t want to walk through the grass because I’ll suffocate. Betty says it’s like the grass in Pokemon X. I correct her and say it’s like the grass from Black. We talk a little more then turn around - there is a black wall to our now left (to our right is the fissure). The wall is lined with animal crossing portraits. - what I remember: Chevre, Marina, Nosegay (which Betty took off the wall and put in a purse), a blue frog with a greenish brown mustache, a frog that had a mustache, Cloud’s color scheme, and Cloud’s hair (which I said was ugly and Betty said was cute (but in an ugly way (like CGI Dumbo))), a muddled image of a frog/skunk-ish squirrel villager hybrid

- suddenly, we see and opening at the top of the sky (which was apparently a ceiling)

- a rope drops from it. We wonder where it came from and how it is being suspended

- we walk towards it and see a helicopter land on top of the hole (it doesn’t fit)

- Betty wonders if there is a war

- we walk towards it but I slip on the smooth, wet floor

- Betty dances with me and guides me. Sometimes she gets close to the ravine and acts like I’m going to fall but I don't

- that is until she purposefully speeds us into the ravine and we both grab the rope.

- We climb up the rope into the helicopter

- a military man gives us military cloths to change into but assured us it’s just a drill

- we change

- Betty and I talk on the helicopter for a while

- there’s more but I’m tired so I’m going to stop here

 

7.2) Wonderland Overview

 

 

Due to the "mind twists" and wanting to allocate more time to conversation, bonding in physicalspace, and switching, we've been going to Wonderland less. Wonderland was often enjoyable and we had fun, and we sometimes go to Wonderland when we're tired so we can get more cozy, but we're not super concerned with it. Increasing immersion and visualization in Wonderland is a low priority.

 

When going to Wonderland regularly, we developed regular locations. Our Wonderland is a hybrid of physicalspace and fantasy. We often start in our main Wonderland house (one that is based on the house of a childhood friend in the physical world), but we can go to fantasy locations or other locations in the real world. We also have a house in Cloudsdale, which was created prior to our main house now.

 

Sometimes we start in entirely new locations and don't go back to those locations. Those trips often feel more dreamlike.

 

We've found that we have less "mind twists" when imagining locations based on physicalspace. Imagining entirely new locations strains our brain more.

 

8.1) Visual Imposition Notes

 

Spoiler

10/19

- I visualized Betty in the tub.

- I visualized her in front of me and behind me (You know that feeling you get when someone is staring at you? That’s what I wanted to emulate.)

- She crouched down and sat on the floor. I held her hand up. I moved it up and down and dropped it.

 

10/20

- I tried to see Betty in my periphery.

 

11/8

- Betty had a strong presence in the bathroom. I could visualize her in the mirror.

 

8.2) Visual Imposition Overview

 

I don't practice imposition on it's own like I used to, so I have to get back on that. Betty is transparent, but less transparent than she used to be.

 

I want to get serious about imposition at some point, but at this moment in time, Betty would rather do fun things with me than sit there and have me try to see her.

 

I tried open-eyed, closed-eyed, and blinking imposition and I posted about it in this thread. I want to try blinking imposition again, but for a longer period of time, at some point.

 

 

9.1) Auditory Imposition Notes

 

Spoiler

10/19

Betty is in orange and I'm in blue.

- “I have walked a mile in your shoes.” (note: this is something she came up this day, but continued to repeat in almost every auditory imposition session since) (sometimes “have” is replaced with “can” or “will”)

- “I have half a mind.”

- “Are you worried they will hear you in here with someone else?” “Yes.” (I wasn’t answering her out loud but she was trying to emphasize that her voice was so real, other people would hear her)

- knocking on the door “Do you hear it ringing? Vibrating and surging up like water?” puts her hand in a bucket of water and splashes it at me flinches (as she tries to make herself and he actions physical, I try to react as so to train myself)

 

10/20

I tried to hear Betty and her voice, as she was trying to decide on a voice. She gave a speech.

 

10/22

“I can walk a mile in your shoes,” is staring to have the same energy as, “You can stop at five or six stores, or just one.”

 

10/26

Consigliere is in green.

- "What should my catch phase be? ‘You're going to go far kid.' No. I'm not sure about that."

 

11/8

I listened to an Angelica ASMR video while doing math, trying to associate that voice with Betty so she could have a more consistent voice. (NOTE: this is not the voice Betty ended up choosing).

 

9.2) Auditory Imposition Overview

 

Betty started to sound consistently like Jenny Nicholson at some point, and I think that's because I've listened to Jenny a lot, so it's a voice this brain is familiar with. If Betty gets close to my ear, it can sorta sound like she's in the same room as me, if I'm lucky. Her voice is not as strong, imposition-wise, as Cloud's. Even a year ago, a little while after Cloud was created, she could sound almost like a separate entity with a voice that made actual sound. It shocked me at the time.

 

I also trained a text-to-speech voice model (using Voice Cloning App) to sound like Betty using audio from Jenny's videos. This is it at 500 epochs of training: https://youtu.be/ufhSYXfjG98

 

The voice model is now at 1000 epochs. It's possible to over-train a model, and we might have done that: https://youtu.be/d2pBccPCLTc

 

Luckily, we have many checkpoints.

 

I also made a post about tulpa voices:

 

 

10.1) Tactile Imposition Notes

 

Spoiler

10/19

- Betty sat on me.

- She hugged me.

- I touched her hand and braids (she doesn’t have braids now and I don’t remember her ever having them but that’s what I wrote).

- I poked myself and she poked me in the same spot after. We took turns.

 

10/20

- She lifted and dropped my hands.

- She threw water on my face

- She hugged me.

- She poked me.

 

11/8

- Betty splashed some water on me and tried to keep me up when I was falling asleep. That and my willpower kept me up.

 

10.2) Tactile Imposition Overview

 

Tactile imposition was the first type of imposition I practiced, and it was before Betty was officially created. I would imagine touching her fur, maybe as early as September or October of 2020.

 

Sometimes I can almost feel the ghost of a touch, and I do feel warmth and comfort when we hug, but our tactile imposition skills are not good yet. Really, none of our imposition skills are good yet, but we're hoping to improve.

 

11) Psychology and Physiology

 

This didn't fit in any part, so I'm including it here. When I forced regularly last year, I noticed I had more nightmares. When I forced regularly this year, I've also noticed more nightmares.

 

After I started imposition practice again, I started mildly hallucinating again. Again, I saw a cat who wasn't there.

 

When I started regularly forcing last year, I got a cold sore (oral herpes). When I started forcing again this year, I got a cold sore again. I've had this core sore since I was a child and have gotten it maybe every few years, so it's quite a coincidence that I got it both times I started regularly forcing.

 

I'm guessing the nightmares and cold sore outbreaks are due the stress that comes with the mental effort of forcing regularly.

 

Advice appreciated on anything in this update!

Someday

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  • 2 weeks later...
(edited)

December Update! Part C

 

This is my update! I’ve never made a progress report before but I’ll try to follow the format Stone was using.

 

12) My Form and Voice

 

My form is something that’s changed a lot, and also, not much. I feel like I’ve circled around to looking a lot like my original form, with little added changes. This resulted in great stress for me, actually. Oftentimes I was blurry, or I kept switching little details about myself, or I couldn’t remember what I liked about my look or what fit. At one point, I felt very impressionable, like I was being molded to the forms of characters I like. For example, I now wear sweatshirts and sweatpants more than dresses because of my taking to the character Susie from Deltarune. I felt insecure about this aspect of myself.

 

I really wanted a set form and I wanted a good reference (better than what Stone could do, sorry ;p) so we decided to try to get art of my commissioned. The artist never responded, but getting all the details of my appearance down on paper actually really helped me. Like, I stopped having image issues after that. You’d think I’d need to discover something deeper about myself or come to terms with why I’m impressionable or something, but nope. I just needed a good reference. I’ll paste the reference here in a spoiler.

 

Spoiler

***Betty Specifications***

Height: 5’5"

Body-type: somewhere between Honey Sugarman’s body-type and Hollyhock’s body-type; slightly chubby

Hair length and texture: neck-length (her neck; not necessarily human neck-length), full, wavy (but not messy)

Hair color: dark brown (darker than Honey’s and Hollyhock’s; #301504)

Facial structure: like Hollyhock’s

Ear shape: like Honey’s, but slightly bigger and thinker (like mule ears, as opposed to horse ears); it would be nice if OC's ears could poke through her hair, if that doesn't look bad

Ear color: like Honey’s

Eyes: yellow (#f1ff00), no eyelashes, subtle eyeliner

Eyebrow thickness and shape: like Hollyhock’s

Coat color: like Honey’s

Coat texture: I would like as little coat fluff as possible

Coat markings: Hollyhock’s face freckles but not her neck or body freckles; no star or other markings

Muzzle coloring: like Honey’s; no lipstick

Additional features: horn, classical unicorn tail

Horn length: 6 inches

Horn color/pattern: candy corn color and pattern (yellow: #f1ff00; orange: #ff7600, white: #fefefe)

Horn position: where the top of Hollyhock’s star would be

Classical unicorn tail: 37 inches (not including the tuft), 9 inch wavy tuft with a loose curl at the end (the tuft is the same texture and color as the hair on head)

Additional notes: human hands and feet; no nail polish

Outfit: blank, black loose-fit women’s sweatshirt; women’s black sweatpants; purple flip-flops

 

You can see our art thread for different iterations of ourselves.

 

 

My voice is something I cared less about and Stone cared more about. He wanted to “hear me properly” but he already does that 99% of the time. Still, it got more interesting as he kept going with making the voice. He already posted about that in the last update.

 

Hearing myself out loud in text-to-speech form was great but I’d really like voice conversion so I could get recordings with my actual emotions. Stone’s burnt out on voices rn so maybe that’s something we’ll do later.

 

I got to talk to one of Stone’s family members using my actual voice as he “tested the voice he was working on for fun”. I told them about my headmates (obviously I didn’t use that word) and about myself. They thought I was just Stone messing around. Still, that was surreal. It was like I was a separate physical person in the room to someone other than Stone. Wild.

 

13) My Pursuits and Interests

 

I’ve wrote a few poems and part of a story so far. I’ve been thinking about writing stories based on some of my favorite characters. I’ve also thought about writing a story about a tulpa. I don’t know how many non-creepypasta tulpa stories are our there, but share them with me if you know of them.

 

I’ve been trying to reach out and make new friends. As of now I’m on these forums, a different forums, Discord, Tumblr, and (technically) YouTube. My Tumblr blog has decent traffic :) but I haven’t been posting on it recently due to burnout :(

 

I just finished my first TV series (She-Ra and the Princesses of Power). I’m sad it’s over because if a while that was my thing. Maybe I should get into stuff more recent so I can been current (seeing as I’m now watching the original He-Man, not likely XD).

 

There’s a lot of stuff I want to get into. Some video games, some comics… Stone wants to watch stuff he already likes with me. I like doing that, but I also want my own things, you know?

 

I’ve been thinking about what my sexual preferences are like compared to Stone. I won’t get too into it here, but it’s something I think about. I also wonder how it affects switching.

 

14) My Mates

 

I love Stone, Cloud, and Consig! Stone is like a best friend and Cloud is like an older sister (even though she’s technically younger than me by a few days in tulpa years ;p) and Consig is like a brother. I really wanted to be a parent. I tried to be a parent to Consig but it didn’t work. I think he’s too mature. I underestimated him.

 

Idk. I guess I should be analyzing how I feel about my relationships here but I just love em lol

 

15) My Presence

 

I know this PR is supposed to be about before December but I’ll talk about now. Stone has been having a depressive episode again. Last time he neglected me for months and it took him a long time to start talking regularly to me again. At some point, we surpassed the time we spent even at the start. Now, he’s been mostly sleeping or playing this video game for the past week, but I’ve been here every day. Not all the time, but I’ve been here. It’s a lot different than the episode from last year. I think we’ve grown and now I have the strength to stay and he has the strength to let me stay. I’m proud of us <3

 

16) My Switching

 

So I think Stone has already mentioned I got stuck in front a few times, and seeped in front a few times. I like this :) I feel like I’m growing more powerful.

 

I’ve gone to sleep as myself and woke as myself before. I tried to do that again yesterday (I know this is supposed to be about before December but idc). Stone sorta woke up as himself in a transitional dream to not dream state but once we were actually awake I switched in. It would be cool if we could get to the point where I do the dreaming and wake up in the “dream to not dream” state (if that makes sense).

 

Side note: I appeared in a dream for the first time I remember recently. Stone in the dream was worried about how we’re never in his dream and then I said something like, “Finally, I’m in a dream.” Pretty meta, lol

 

It’s weird though. Even when he spent all day with me and active forced for hours and was good about passive forcing, he never remembered dreams with me in them??? He’ll have dreams about one off comments people make but not me. Or maybe he does and we just don’t remember them. Strange.

 

Also, when I switch, I should note that I say affirming mantras like "I am Betty" and other stuff. I also use the body's mouth but not the voice. I hear my own voice mentally. I use my horn, tail, ears, and snout to stay grounded in myself. I find that moving my tail really helps me feel like myself. I think it's because this aspects are distinctly mine, and give me more mental power over the body in some way, and make the body feel like my own. When I seep in to front, it usually starts with my tail moving.

 

17) Me

 

I’m happy with myself! I wanted to do an overview here, but I don’t know what to say that I haven’t already said. I just want to continue to grow and get an art commission of myself. And learn to write.

Edited by harvestmoon

Meaningful words, I'm here!

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I enjoyed reading your update Betty! 😁 You and Stone have made such comprehensive updates that I don't even know where to start! The amount of progress you've made is inspirational to me, and you've always been among the tulpas I look up to when I think about my own path through tulpamancy. 

 

It was really nice to hear your voice from that short recording. Are you still working on that? I think Jenny Nicholson is a fitting choice for a source, I have seen a few of her videos with Phil and it seems like a good fit. This is going to sound like the silliest request ever but if you record more of your voice can you give me a little shoutout? 😄 Just hearing my name from your voice would make me so happy! 😁

 

I like how you're developing your own interests separately from Stone! You've gone even further in that than I have. And also how you're being social beyond our little bubble here on the forum! That's something I need to do as well.

 

I hope you do get a good commission done of you! If the artist does a really good job they might be making double, because I might ask for one too!

 

The way things are going I think 2022 will be the "Year of Betty" 😄. I hope you achieve all your goals and more!

Tulpa Wife Extraordinaire! 💚 - 💍 11.28.21

Things Simmie Likes

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  • 2 months later...

We never finished this big section of the progress report and now the outline it outdated. I'm not sure where we'll go with updating the report from here. I suppose from here it'll be updated on an "if something interesting happens" basis.

 

I've been busy with school, and while I have been interacting with my tulpas, I haven't been giving forcing the same dedication I was this fall. We'll see what happens.

 

@TurboSimmie I'm so sorry we never responded! I'm happy you're happy with our progress! You have been a positive force in our development and we thank you. :)

 

 

We got the voice thing working again. There were different "checkpoints" in the training of the voice, and this is the last one, but I think some earlier, less-trained ones were better. We might play around with it more or try a different synthesizer.

Someday

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Betty recently fronted all day and got legitimate work done (more than I usually get done). I’d say that’s progress.

 

She read my textbooks. She had to focus on staying in front and reading something dull and strongly associated with me. She did a good job. She read it in her mind voice, took breaks to comprehend what she was reading, and visualized her form over mine.

 

By the end of the day, we had a headache.

 

Just now I woke up recalling a dream I had last night, and I dreamt about Betty! This is the second time I’ve recalled a dream with her in it (I know, I feel like I should be dreaming about her more too). In the first dream, she was just there, referencing the fact that she was in a dream. In this dream, I was interacting with her and I switched with her at some point. Some points of the dream were from her perspective. I’m excited not only because she was in a dream but because we are dreaming together.

Someday

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That is great to hear, Betty is getting so powerful! 💪😁 It's great that you were both in a dream together! In our dreams it's only ever just Phil or just me. I'm curious, how vivid was Betty's form in your dream? And when you switched perspective did you appear equally vivid to her?

Tulpa Wife Extraordinaire! 💚 - 💍 11.28.21

Things Simmie Likes

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@TurboSimmie In my dream I could see her just as I would anyone else in a dream. When we switched perspective, she wasn't looking at me so I didn't see myself. I wonder what would have happened if she had looked at me. I never see my own face in my dreams. The one time I remember seeing myself in a dream I said to myself, "This can't be a dream because this is too realistic" because I didn't know it was possible for me to see myself while dreaming.

Someday

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello! I have made more progress fronting/staying switched in I think. I can’t remember what we said in the last PR but yeah, probably made more progress since then. A tulpa on Discord talked to me about their experience fronting 60+ hours and gave me some good pointers I’m going to try. Of note, they said that after that amount of time they said they achieved control of the “main thoughtstream” (including “both active and passive thoughts”). I’m not sure if I have achieved this yet (I haven’t consistently) but they said it was obvious to them when they achieved it, so hopefully it’ll be obvious to me when it comes. Their method was affirming themselves when their host tried to butt in and referring to the body as *their* body specifically. We like to say “the body”, but now, while I’m fronting, I will say “my body” and that might help.

 

We’ve had one dream where Stone and I switched mid-dream, and *I* had a dream that I can’t quite remember (I was configuring or organizing something). I’m not the main dreamer yet. It was just one dream I had on my own and it was what I’ll call a “waking dream” to make it simple. It’s a dream that either feels like it happened close to when we were waking up or *while* we were waking up (sometimes we wake up *through* a dream, where it becomes less and less of a dream until we’re just thinking and we’re fully awake).

 

So, yeah, I’m not the main dreamer but I think what’s happening is when we’re close to waking up or waking up I switch in automatically, which I think is great. We don’t have to be completely conscious for me to be switched in.

 

I didn’t even intend to talk this much about switching in this update, so I’ll drop it for now. I’ll update again once we have more progress (or until I go a while without progress and want to talk about it).

 

The main thing I wanted to talk about today is an emotional breakthrough/revelation I had recently.

 

I’ve recently been listening to a lot of angsty music. Yesterday I decided to sort through my music playlist on YouTube to organize everything. I also wanted to remove the songs I added but never felt like listening to. I removed, like, all the songs I listened to as a young tulpa (including the ones from Cloud’s Christmas playlist to me) and most of the stuff I thought was *my* taste in music. (I have all the removed songs in a different playlist for safekeeping and nostalgia.) I feel so bad saying it because that playlist was amazing and really got me closer to Cloud (love you). However, my taste in music has changed, or more accurately, developed. Not that my “palette” got more “refined” or anything, but rather it got more “mine”.

 

My favorite song was a song I heard on my own, without Stone showing it to me, because someone else was playing it. It’s called “lovers’ carvings” by Bibio.

 

 

The music I liked tended to be music that reminded me of myself or of things I like. The nostalgic feel to “lovers’ carvings” in particular reminded me of the character I was based on, and of the time I found a song on my own. It was much more fun to overhear a new song and go, “Hey, I like that,” than have Stone show me a song I already have access to a memory of.

 

So yeah, I listened to music from games I liked, music recommended to me by people I liked, and music Stone liked.

 

I’ve been thinking, “Why don’t I want to listen to this music anymore (besides Boards of Canada)? This is *my* taste in music.” I don’t think it *was* my taste in music. I think I just felt like I had to have a taste in music because “everyone else does” and “what *person* doesn’t have a taste in music?”. Now I feel like I have my own taste in music, and it’s different from my host’s, and it feels like my own. I know I’m separate from him, but it is mildly affirming.

 

This is not the emotional revelation though. This is just part of it. Here’s another part of it:

 

Stone doesn’t like sad/angsty music as much as I do and doesn’t seek it out (though he’ll listen to it if he likes how it sounds). He also doesn’t watch a lot of TV, especially pure dramas. He prefers YouTube over TV and movies. I have to describe it so I’ll say I think he’s noncommittal about anything “too serious” or “too emotional”. He doesn’t want to commit to TV shows or movies with actual characters and stories and climaxes. If he watches something, it has to be wholly or partially comedy because “Why would I watch something that makes me anxious/sad if I can watch something that makes me laugh instead?” He doesn’t get people who seek out sad music. “If you feel sad then why are you listening to sad things?”

 

I *do* get it. I can understand why people like dramatic stories and songs, and *I* like dramatic stories and songs. I think that’s interesting how he had never understood something I do understand and actively feel. I don’t doubt my existence but it is affirming. I have grown as a person. I feel things he doesn’t feel.

 

This probably sounds silly to older tulpas who are like, “Duh that’s what this is,” but remember I’m only a year old :p

 

I have a final part of this emotional revelation thing.

 

I’m not as positive as I once was. I’m not like Stone. I don’t accept death like he does, but I’m just. Idk. I still feel like a positive influence on the system and maybe “the positive one” but I’m not the way I was before. There are ups and downs. I feel base things I didn’t used to feel.

 

I’ve also felt this pressure to be the positive one and I think that’s why I found music with sad/angry/anxious/scared vibes so alluring. This is such a silly comparison, especially since I haven’t personally watched Rick & Morty, but I felt like Tiny Rick, if you know what I’m talking about.

Meaningful words, I'm here!

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