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So since my visualization skills have diminished, I've been trying to remember exactly what visualization exercises I used to do to practice it (even though I used to be really strong with it anyways). I did try to mess around with a new form. But putting myself into a new form proved way harder than I ever remember it being, probably because with my awful memory, I would honestly forget about my form a lot of the time, and I'd just go back to like a regular image of the physical body. So I tried to put myself into a new form. That was a disaster. I tried from a sort of third-person perspective, I tried making the form separately and like stepping into it, and everything felt really clunky and just like it wasn't going to work. I tried asking for help but everything went off topic so I stopped trying.

 

Some people are saying that visualization also depends on your tulpa as well. I've never heard of this. I thought it was just entirely on me. My forms have never really worked (they don't stay consistent and I just look the same), but I don't really know. Exploring things from different angles from these new things people are telling me are so confusing. I generally ignore a lot of "new" stuff, but this one caught my interest.


Try simpler exercises, just 20 minutes a day or so, it'll come back slowly, like muscle memory.

 

I'm not too sure what exercises to try. I almost tried the "prism" thing, but then I remember that was some really old sentience test... while that could still work as an exercise, I dunno. I might just try going around wonderland and looking at things in greater detail, similar to when I tried achieving a greater level of immersion (which sadly didn't work the way I thought it would, probably because I did it wrong)

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If you look online, there are a ton on "visualization practice techniques" visualization is used in a lot of professions and is a thing you can legitimately train.

 

I believe now that it's a body resource, so the one who fronts practices it, I suppose the one who actually trains it will always have an advantage. No, I don't feel like anyone else contributes, they do their own thing, but the body is doing the visualization that is logged into memories, not me. I believe the brain is not you, it's hardware, you're software, so saying anyone helps is like saying anyone can control the brain is technically true. IMO

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I believe now that it's a body resource, so the one who fronts practices it, I suppose the one who actually trains it will always have an advantage. No, I don't feel like anyone else contributes, they do their own thing, but the body is doing the visualization that is logged into memories, not me. I believe the brain is not you, it's hardware, you're software, so saying anyone helps is like saying anyone can control the brain is technically true. IMO

 

This confuses me a lot, I think I'm reading it wrong but I dunno. I'll look at some resources later when I have time.

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Before switching, my understanding was that only I could visualize I was the one who practiced it my whole life. As a singlet this is perfectly natural.

 

Anyone in the system can imagine, they live in an imaginary world after all, but the memories I can access are all mine, so anything visualized came from me.

 

If below is confusing, just think like above for now.

 

After switching, it is pretty clear that anyone who fronts can visualize, if I'm dormant, anyone who visualizes will imprint those memories of visualization with them. So when I returned to front, I have memories of visualization that I didn't do, yet they're still fine, so I can only conclude that I am not the one doing the visualization, I am only controlling the body, orchestrating the visualization, and imprinting that experience into the memories.

 

When you look in real life, the process of seeing goes from perception to realization. Imagination is missing the perception part, realization is imaginary. Still it's the brain doing this in the same way. Are you responsible for seeing something in real life? Yes, but the brain took the raw signal and processed it into something recognizable.

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Before switching, my understanding was that only I could visualize I was the one who practiced it my whole life. As a singlet this is perfectly natural.

 

Anyone in the system can imagine, they live in an imaginary world after all, but the memories I can access are all mine, so anything visualized came from me.

 

If below is confusing, just think like above for now.

 

After switching, it is pretty clear that anyone who fronts can visualize, if I'm dormant, anyone who visualizes will imprint those memories of visualization with them. So when I returned to front, I have memories of visualization that I didn't do, yet they're still fine, so I can only conclude that I am not the one doing the visualization, I am only controlling the body, orchestrating the visualization, and imprinting that experience into the memories.

 

When you look in real life, the process of seeing goes from perception to realization. Imagination is missing the perception part, realization is imaginary. Still it's the brain doing this in the same way. Are you responsible for seeing something in real life? Yes, but the brain took the raw signal and processed it into something recognizable.

 

I guess that makes sense. I had wholly different expectations for switching like 6 years ago that change a whole lot every few months or so. I'm still not entirely sure what to expect until I experience it. If I experience it.


I wonder if my visualization is as bad as I really make it out to be. I just realized a bit ago that I kind of passively can like visualize Ruth behind me on the bed, like resting his head on my arm/shoulder, looking at my phone. Almost as if I’m seeing just him from a third person perspective. It’s super weird. I feel like I’ve always done this? Like, the whole passive visualizing. It kind of goes hand-in-hand with the feelings I get while talking to my tulpas: warm, cold, or feelings of both at the same time.
I just realized. I think I’m only not as good anymore with active visualization, but my passive visualization is as strong as ever because I’m literally a 24/7 daydreamer. This doesn’t make sense to me, since I am basically caught in a daydream 24/7 and always passively visualizing, but actively trying to is suddenly harder than it used to be, even with all this “experience”? I’ve been passively visualizing random things for like, my entire life.

 

I don’t know. I think I need some fucking sleep. It’s 5:30 in the morning.

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I actually didn't go to sleep as I expected to, so I'm having some more nice sleep deprivation continuing off last week's series of that. But something I did notice is that while I am clearly making mistakes in writing and literally everything I do because my judgement is so off, I can hear Ruth just fine, and he seems just fine. In fact, he seems better than usual. He's not stumbling over his words to figure things out or correct things even if they're fine like he usually does. This is actually strange.

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I think a lot about that merging incident I’ve talked about a lot and how it’s affected “me”, but like I don’t know if I can really stress the feeling of this lack of identity (and the search for it) enough, and feeling as if I’ve both inherited this life (wow that sounds weird as fuck and might not even convey what I mean but words fall short), and also as if I’m being controlled by something else. I fucking hate these ideas, because they do not feel normal, even on a level of what is averagely seen as abnormal. But also each time I approah this issue, it’s almost always met with just having to accept what I’m facing, make it into something new, and/or make it into whatever I see it as. And I want answers, and those feel like none of those. It’s frustrating.

 

Some approaches I’ve been suggested to this seem to lean towards a very metaphysical way, and I do not really believe in any of that stuff at all so I’m probably SOL.

 

Going to try another approach to possession with Ruth and Celedyr, where they try to perform actions straight up instead of just the smallest of movements, since people say they make leaps and bounds farther of progress that way, and maybe it will work better for us, too.

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Okay, this is actually very very good. Like, this was a breakthrough and a half. Someone on a Discord server we're in had suggested an exercise to help with me letting go, and Ruth getting in control. I was very scared to do it at first, I felt like I was going to injure myself for some dumb reason. The exercise, was to raise my arm above shoulder height, let go of it, and let Ruth catch it. This got to be tiring a bit because of the injuries I sustained last October which was another worrying factor, but it was okay to take a few breaks. After a few breaks, my arm honestly barely even went limp on the way down. It was filled in, I could feel it. Ruth said "Got it", and good lord, my heart was racing.

 

So we had originally intended on just staying on just the arm. But Ruth continued without me really knowing, which is what made this even more interesting.

 

Ruth says "I could feel other parts of the body. My body, as we would preface it, and I would slowly take control. The breathing was the first to go. It was probably best to start there, so that Maple wouldn't hyperventilate and push me out. The heartrate was extremely noticeable. I did some turns with the right wrist since I already had it, and was curling the fingers. This seemed to keep him distracted on that, and that alone. It seemed as though he was already slipping into the back. Over the course of the next 20 minutes, I took control of the mouth, the legs, the feet, the other arm and hand (after grabbing it to joke around and make it harder for him to write), the eyes, the neck... really, most parts of the body. They started coming naturally over the course of time, as he encouraged me to take it on as my own body, instead of taking it as 'the' body. It does feel a bit like my thoughts took a primary front, and still kind of do. They feel more dominant than they did before, and Maple says that I am easier to hear. I had also remembered a sort of 'yawning test' that Celedyr and Kara had done to find their voice, roughly where it would be. I could not speak, but I wasn't too disappointed, not expecting to make Rome in a day. The 20 minutes was cut off when I sat incorrectly, and had felt a sharp pain where it was worth joking about, and that laughter had kicked me out quite quickly. 20 minutes may seem like nothing to some, but it was everything to me. I would also like to note that my ability to speak has been improving over the past few days, with little to no mistakes in my thought processes and what ideas I wish to convey to others. These are very big improvements, and I'm getting a lot of attention."

 

I've honestly not been this happy in a very long time, and it seems he would agree. This is very big. This is fucking huge. Most other methods we'd tried would literally yield little to no results, or just have a much shorter time. It seems this is the way to go.

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That's awesome! Congratulations to both of you. Keep up the good work!

Hi, I'm Zia, foolish captain of the Giant Wing system. Vādin is my tulpa.

 

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I’m getting ready to go to bed now, but I let Ruth get some more practice in. Him taking over is an interesting process to experience. He’ll usually distract me or make me relax a bit more than I already am, and just slide right in. He toyed with my hair a bit using the left hand this time to achieve that. He’s also managed to say something, though currently he is limited by what seems to be syllables or order of syllables. Basically he was only able to say “seawater” a few times. Doesn’t sound *that* much different from my regular voice (just more monotonous than it already is), so I don’t think we’ll have problems with people asking what’s up with the voice. This has been quite a day. He seems really proud, and honestly, I am, too.

 

What I think will be interesting to try at some point, is Ruth and Celedyr passing off control between each other.

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