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Celedyr finally talked to someone outside of our system out of his own curiosity/interest when we woke up. He "poked" me and asked me if he could speak to someone I've been speaking to for a while, and so they had their introductions and it seems like he connects easily since they have similar personality types on a basic level (maybe deeper?), at least as it seems to me. He's been so reserved as to not really talk to anyone outside of our system for so long, mostly because he disliked how he felt ridiculed by others based on his old names (and his current one, but he's given up on changing for the moment).

 

Focusing on tulpas is really hard right now. I did get the sleep study done some time ago, and I was diagnosed with some form of sleep apnea, and I'm going back to the sleep center to get taught about CPAP machines and all. Just hope we can get something so I can sleep on my side and toss and turn. I sleep on my side because there's this weird way I force (including before sleep) that helps me connect easier with my tulpas that sleeping on my back really doesn't (plus it's uncomfortable to lay on my back), and I don't want the tubes falling out. This is going to be a strange experience, but I hope it helps since I've been feeling progressively more restless, confused, lost, tired, etc. honestly

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The one my brother has mostly allows him to toss and turn, though sometimes he wakes up with it misaligned/leaking air or whatnot. Not the end of the world, but I guess try to avoid it. Might be a little annoying to refill with water every day(?). But I think you'll feel a heck of a lot better. Definitely glad you've gotten all that stuff worked out.

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.

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The one my brother has mostly allows him to toss and turn, though sometimes he wakes up with it misaligned/leaking air or whatnot. Not the end of the world, but I guess try to avoid it. Might be a little annoying to refill with water every day(?). But I think you'll feel a heck of a lot better. Definitely glad you've gotten all that stuff worked out.

Refill with water...? Damn, I know next to nothing about these things.

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10:45AM - Going to let Ruth front for a bit today since he’s already been basically pulling me out of my skin, but like I don’t understand why that feeling stays, it’s scary. My left arm feels weak, emptylike sort of. He could easily mess with it if he wanted to and I can’t seem to get a grip. He kind of pounced right on trying to take over right as I woke up and startled the hell out of me, and I fought back on impulse and messed my arm up a bit in a sense. It felt dissociated, but also not. It's slowly going back to normal now. I've told him several times to not just... take over randomly unless we agree on that specific moment, but he was just really excited. Going to let him front for a while once I finish my morning routine. Sleep study thing tonight, oh boy.


Ruth didn't take over for long. He was bombarded by questions and people in my family trying to start discussions with him (which normally never happens at that time of day and in that setting so we figured it wouldn't have happened) and they just kept bombing sentence after sentence and he got really uncomfortable and scared. He doesn't like talking using the voice around anyone who doesn't know it's him, because he's afraid of them finding out due to a noticeable pitch/tone difference, and generally how he speaks. Not only is his voice much higher than mine generally is, but he is also much more calm and not snappy like I am. This could definitely send red flags depending on which family member it is that he's talking to, which is why it made him extremely stressed out and he gave back control after only like 23 minutes or so. But he is able to talk.
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  • 1 month later...

I don't know if I've written about this any other time than at the start of this journey 6 and a half years ago, but this is really, really good for the system in terms of the visualization issues I've been having. This could be a potential breakthrough. I don't want to use it as a crutch, but it is a good start.

 

So this is something that's been bothering me for the past few years. When I first started tulpamancy, around day 1, I wrote in my notebook of how I made the wonderland, and the detail I put into it. I CLEARLY remember the piano I put in the foyer (?) and I can NEVER forget the song that I could basically hear coming from that piano as it played itself, as an intrusive thought, and how hard I tried to stop it. I gave up after trying so much symbolism to get it out, and it would passively go away for only a moment. But when I would hear the song that the piano played for that first time and the times following, the mental image of our wonderland from the very spot from where I stood in that creation process would flood back to me. The inside of the house. The environment outside the windows, through the open doorframe. It's like a magic melody to my wonderland senses. It's incredible. No matter how awful my visualization has gotten over the years, this melody has NEVER failed me yet in drawing back this most vivid of memories.

 

I know I have always frequently written of my difficulties visualizing. And of course the first thought would be "Why didn't you just listen to it sooner, then?" Well, simply put, I didn't know what the song was called, or who had composed it to begin with. I assumed on a mere whim that the piece was composed by Beethoven or maybe even Mozart, because my class would listen to very calm piano pieces by one of the two (from what my memory told me, of course) during test days from early days of elementary school nearly two decades ago. As awful as my general memory is, I'm surprised I remember any of that. I did mild searching to try to find the piece, but I never truly dug into it because I never really felt the need to. But just a moment ago, a discussion on music and senses in wonderland had me thinking about it. I went through YouTube's search, and just went based off the recommended searches from writing either of their names. And I finally found it after 4 or 5 tries.

 

It was Beethoven's Für Elise.

 

This piece that has haunted me for the past 6 years, that I haven't been able to remember the name of. The piece that marked that iconic moment in creating our wonderland for me.. The second I clicked on 

 and saw the notes begin to scroll down my screen, I knew what was coming. I was ecstatic. It started playing, and that exact spot in wonderland came to life in my mind. The world around it, basically. It's literal magic, at this point, with how bad my visualization is, that this song can do this for me. Just draw upon the depths of my memories and bring this out. It astonishes me. I can see myself at that exact point between the open screen door and the piano, the open window with the curtain being blown in by the breeze to my left, the stairs to my right, the beach outside the window stretching before hitting a curve, the beach out the front of the door before the ocean... But it does feel as if this brings me back to the very point of when I started creating the area, almost. It seems like it's missing things that were added over the year or the year after, since we didn't touch it much since then, since keeping it simple has kept that relaxing nature about it.

 

I'm not all too surprised that music is able to do this for me. Music has played a huge part in a lot of what I do, but for it to do something like this is incredible. I'm rambling a bit, I know. But again, if I can just get that updated image in my mind of what everything is supposed to look like going... the table on the side of the stairs with the chairs for everybody, the screendoor for the back, the stairs leading into the basement tucked away into the corner behind the stairs upstairs, the entirety of the basement with all of the rooms and all of their contents (same for the upstairs)... this could be really something incredible. Just to put on the song, and everything comes to life immediately the way it should be...

 

EDIT: Also, Angel's 6th birthday is in 2 days. Jesus... o-o

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That's incredible. I've noticed little things like this too, and I call them gifts. There's nothing we can do to reproduce them or destroy the experience, just little unique gifts.

 

Thanks for sharing, it's great to hear from older systems, and happy birthday Angel.

 

[Misha] I agree and happy birthday! ♡ 

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I just remembered from those memories that I should really try to find my original physical tulpamancy journal before anyone else does, and either tear it up and/or burn it (since I have everything in it posted on a blog that SHOULD still exist(?) except the trait pages), orrrr just find an even more obscure hiding spot for it now. Because good lord, the pages for traits and everything else would be an embarrassing find. Also, now I can just hear für elise in my head and it basically has a similar effect to hearing the song physically depending on how strong it is.

 

That's incredible. I've noticed little things like this too, and I call them gifts. There's nothing we can do to reproduce them or destroy the experience, just little unique gifts.

 

Thanks for sharing, it's great to hear from older systems, and happy birthday Angel.

 

[Misha] I agree and happy birthday! ♡ 

 

Angel\ Thank you both for the birthday wishes! ^^

 

Angel is still fairly inactive with 3 others since I’ve been so focused on Ruth and Celedyr for a while now, but I should try to shift/balance focus again when my health is better. It’s really hard to do so among 6 tulpas. I honestly didn’t think about this at the time way back when because of how much more immature I was, but lord I am being punished by my past self.

 

Also, formatting on mobile is a bitch so this message is probably going to look messed up unless I somehow did it right.

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  • 2 weeks later...

We're trying to get possession in a lot more now. The other day, Ruth wanted to take over, but I had an extremely hard time letting go. It felt like at one point as if Ruth just took over not just the body, but almost like a part of me, which was just the weirdest feeling, albeit unintentional. Emotions were mixed, and bodily movements were strange. Ruth usually ends up only taking over for 15-18 minutes at a time, which is fine considering how fast he goes through the process, but Cel is kind of a 50/50 between lengthy sessions or not. I use symbolism a lot to distract myself to let go of the body so they can slide in, but it’s getting more difficult and it feels like older methods aren’t cutting it, yet again. Just gotta try new ways or try to figure out new ones, but I’m feeling burnt out... just don’t wanna give up while we’re ahead.

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