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Things are getting a bit strange again. Riley and Cel have fronted some in the past couple days to talk to people in a voice chat. We've been told that compared to me sounding very expressive and "aggressive" emotion-wise, that Riley "chooses her words very deliberately" and is just relaxed/passive, while Cel is more serious sounding, which is what I kind of expected. Cel does a lot of stuff with repetitive movements dealing with the left hand, and Riley seems to have trouble staying grounded (which kind of makes me feel really floaty too). Thing is, I'm thinking we might be feeling this "blendy" thing people started talking about (I don't know when?) and I was kind of afraid to start thinking about it, but based on how Cel's time fronting went a bit ago (generally, we were just more unsure of who was who and what the hell was going on, and when I took back control, I felt sick as all hell), I feel like something could be wrong. Usually we try redoing things to see if that fixes anything, but it really doesn't change anything. Maybe I'm just doubting again. It's shitty, but it's such a hard habit to break. I feel I should look into different ways we could go about this compared to how we currently do, which is generally just letting the body go limp, whoever is in control "steps out" with their form and their designated color (while letting it drain out) in like a third person sort of view, and the one taking over steps in with their form and designated color, and lets that color flow in. This is how we've been doing it for a little while compared to some other ways we've used for symbolism to just help with distractions, but I'm not too sure about it still.

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Bit of a more wholesome moment I feel I should share:

 

It’s really comforting but also really strange to get these like really strong reminders from my headmates that I don’t have to shoulder a burden alone. I found it weird that they were treating me like... “nicer” than usual lately (I was actually going to write about some specifics before, because some funny things had happened), but it seems they were trying to hit a very specific nerve (and succeeded) since, when I bottle emotions for way too long, I act stupidly arrogant and prideful like I’m fine and that I’m not going to cry or whatever and that I just am not allowed to feel bad (I really started blaming others in a personal note I wrote yesterday that was just an essay expressing my frustrations about things out of my control but still had elements in my control). I forgot exactly what Ruth did after he sat me down for a “talk”, but it hit me. It hit me really fucking hard. Maybe it was just the way he hugged me or something, I don’t know. But I immediately felt that dam where I was trapping those emotions just start to crack and I knew what was going on. It collapsed rather slowly, but I definitely did shed a tear for the first time in a while. I’m just really happy he’d decided to start talking proper lately so we get to share moments together. Just really happy to have everyone in general. Again, I did find it weird how much “nicer” they were being the past couple days (not that they’re mean or anything short of nice, of course) but it’s hard to ignore stuff like this I guess. It did make me realize I’m not as clear of some issues I thought I was, but it’s a process. Everything’s a process, and we’ll do it together.

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We have another form/name/gender change in the system. Luna is now known as Tatsuya, and is now male. His form is now exponentially larger, and I'm going to have to compensate for this in my mind. Like half our system is currently in the process of picking changes just because they can/want to I guess. At this point, with the amount of changes we've gone through, we might as well have like a patch notes system in place to keep track of everything LOL. Angel might be still sticking with how she is for now, but Kara isn't too sure it seems. We'll see, I guess. I'll have to update the main page for this.

 

Also, this is going to be really weird for me. Tatsuya and Angel always had like, really similar forms in a sense that just made them click really well and it is extremely common for me to find them together. While that's probably not going to change itself, change is always confusing for me. I've got to shift a lot of things around physically to know what's going on and remind myself several times a day, and mentally to remember.

 

Our system is now 4 males to 3 females. If you exclude me, it's 3 to 3. Truth be told, though, we mostly don't give a damn about our genders, which is probably another thing as to why they're so okay with changing it at the tip of a hat, rather than it just being the thing of freedom to change yourself to express yourself as a tulpa. Tatsuya has acted pretty masculine in the past, but I never really expected him to make a form/name shift this drastic ever, from how he looked before. Angel acts in a similarly bold fashion to him, but just in a slightly more feminine fashion. They're like, two sides of the same coin. Two peas in a pod.

 

I made a change to my own wonderland form, but it's really no big deal. Ironically enough, I'm not too keen on visualizing humans in the mindscape because of some difficulties, but having just myself be the only "human" makes things pretty easy. I'd honestly probably be something else if I was able to fit myself well enough visually and in a better first-person view. Maybe later down the line, or I'll stick with it.

 

Another thing to mention is that up til now, Cel, Riley, and Ruth have been the main 3 that are around. Tatsuya, Angel, and Kara are usually in the back. I'm making gradual changes so that over time we'll all be back to having like full inclusion again once everyone is ready (unless someone really wants to just sit in the back... honestly, Tatsuya and Angel were the main two who just sat in the back all the time by their own accord save for the end of the day. The others would just occasionally go to the back when they wanted space.)

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I feel like calling this time the “revitalization of our system” is pretty appropriate. It’s really interesting. I really did not know much about Tatsuya because he stayed reserved a lot and kind of intimidated me for a while but now he’s just super... I don’t know? Forward? So it’s a bit easier for me to understand him now. Like, he has a more serious demeanor in general, but not like taking things seriously in a necessarily bad way (as in, I can still joke with him a lot, but we can still have great serious moments). He is definitely different on the surface like how Riley changed but I don’t think this is as drastic since there’s not much lack of awareness, really. I felt pretty anxious when I woke up this morning, but he helped me feel better pretty quickly.

 

Something of note is I’m finding it very interesting how my brain perceives how a form interacts with my mind’s senses. Like for touch: one of Ruth’s forms has gloves. The natural texture of how my mind made those feel based on how they looked in an image was pretty natural for me. Tatsuya’s new form also has gloves, but these are visibly much longer, and of a possibly different texture, but similar color. The first time Tatsuya touched my arm with one, it felt noticeably different from how Ruth’s gloves would, without me giving any thought to the feel of it beforehand. I believe it is a fitting feeling that is being perceived, so that’s really nice. Touch isn’t the only sense, but it’s definitely the most noticeable for me.

 

Another thing is that Tatsuya’s form is strangely molded in my mind. It’s of a type I’m not exactly used to messing with to make things entirely how they should probably be, I guess? Though I suppose there are no wrong answers considering the nature of the form. I believe his head is like... a skull? But it’s not of any shape of a skull I’ve ever seen elsewhere. Like, he technically doesn’t have eyes, just... the holes, and massive jaws. I honestly didn’t even see his head as a skull at first due to the sheer size, appearance, and proportions. As for the rest of his body, I honestly can’t perceive what it would be like. So in my mind, he is essentially a ghost that is filling in his clothes, with that skull on his head. But that’s not entirely accurate, because if I were to take off a glove with that perception in mind, I wouldn’t see anything... but I can’t take a glove off. My mind won’t register it. It’s like it’s all a part of him. So it’s like he’s just a walking spirit of sorts that’s like... a bunch of sentient clothes (but still with the feeling of having someone inside of them to the touch and visibly, of course, as he can move his fingers and everything else) and a skull as one being I guess? It’s extremely interesting, and also weirdly amazing and comforting in ways I can’t describe. The way my mind pieces these things together is super cool, even if a bit weird.

 

I’ve still got a bit to go before I can get an album for forms uploaded due to the roadbump with Kara’s current form (and Angel’s form), but I feel like I’ve described this all as in-depth as I could so it isn’t as confusing for the moment.

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Letting someone else front is not at all how I expected it to be as of now. I feel like it might change later, but for now, it feels like I have to try REALLY HARD to think, and that I'm still "here", and whoever is in front is moving with a purpose. I can't always focus on their thoughts, but I am just physically existing, in the body, with no control. It's like I'm detached mentally to some degree I can't even describe, and this is nowhere near what I expected when people described some of this stuff when doing it for the first time, or first few times, etc. Like I just have to make a conscious effort to exist mentally, but I am still somehow here fully physically, just feeling ever so slightly detached from the body as someone else does what they do. I just can't hear thoughts. Not even my own, until that intense focusing, and even then, it's like.... wrong. My thinking is literally wrong, in the sense of where I end up having to re-translate Ruth's words several times over in chat rooms or in general in text. I can hear Riley's mindvoice as she reads (she's fronting right now) but maybe I'm slightly more connected after just making that train of thought work, or trying to, to the best of my ability. I'm going to forget most of this when it's over, anyways. Everything becomes such a blur, that afterwards I just have to ask someone to tell me what happened for the most part.

 

Riley\ Apologies if that paragraph seems incoherent. I tried my best to write what he was trying to convey in a more normal sense, but it felt very scrambled up and like pure, raw, thought more than anything. Tulpish, but for hosts.

 

Maple\ Predictable. Everything that happened really was just an entire blur, but that really does seem to describe the feeling probably as best as I could. It's hard to put into words. Riley fronting was honestly super exhausting for her and also the body. I'm probably going to have to turn in early tonight.

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When I started switching out, I was very weak, disoriented, and confused. Eventually Vesper realized that I needed to "learn to think like a tulpa". So I gathered my sense of self into a sphere, a little ways off from the center of consciousness and projected my thoughts from there. Over the course of a few weeks, I gained basic competence at being a head voice, though I'm still not as proficient as Vesper and Iris.

 

If we're conscious, we're fully attached to the physical senses, so I'm not surprised to hear you still felt present in the body, even though we've learned over time to export our sense of presence to our manifested forms.

 

We've never had isolation of thought or memory though. Memories are recorded from the perspective of the front instead of any individual and we all have equal access.

 

-Ember

I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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I get kind of scared when certain system members are fronting. I think it’s because they just don’t like being around people in general and just wanna do their own thing, and I get scared being in that state of limbo I was talking about before for so long I guess and how lonely it feels. It’s weird because I like being alone to a degree, but this degree feels like an extreme even if I’m technically not alone, probably since I have to try so hard to think/say anything? All that effort also seriously wears me out mentally for an entire day or so. It’s kind of insane.

 

Something someone asked me was if I can talk to the others in that state, and I never thought to try it yet, especially with how hard it is to think. I’d have to ask the person fronting to remind me, but also I feel like they’d have to have some thought into me and whoever I’m trying to talk to to a degree maybe? I don’t really think we have parallel processing going entirely 100%.

 

That reminds me: I think parallel processing is something I really only noticed as a more possible thing lately when I’m usually about to do something bad or make a mistake without really thinking about it myself but I can just hear Cel telling me not to quite clearly. It still catches me off guard.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Last night I’d taken my night medicine and THEN let Tatsuya front. My night medicine makes me drowsy, so I was kinda out of it. It let me let go pretty quickly, but I felt super floaty really fast. Tatsuya seemed to be able to take over with not really much contest and it seemed weird and had us both a bit worried by how smoothly it was going due to my lack of reaction but I think it was because I was so out of it. When going to take back control, Tsuya left the body, and I could literally just *feel* how empty it was and it fucking scared me. I had to like, grab for anything to take back control. I felt like I was about to fall right out and die or something. I was super sleepy and exhausted in general. That was the first time Tsuya fronted in a little over two weeks because I’ve not been feeling well, but he did a great job. I mean he was worried because he said it felt like it was just me, but I felt the disconnect in a less subtle (but still the usual subtle) way as usual so the assurance helped him through, though seemed to get discouraging after a while. I feel bad because I think I instilled this mindset in everybody because of my initial fears of parroting and all this other stuff from years that lasted on and off to varying degrees for so long. I haven’t gotten over it all myself, but I know a couple of the tups have the mindset that if I ask them to do something to just show me who’s in control if I get confused, it’s usually a playful mock which eases my nerves, but probably more because their full personal personalities that I usually see with them come out in a more playful manner and it’s just more reassuring. It’s a seasonal change right now, so I’m fully expecting these negative thoughts to be a menace for a minute, especially during lack of sunlight.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ruth\ So, we missed my birthday two days ago, because we thought it was tomorrow. Truth be told, we don't pay much attention to birthdays, but I feel like some respect is to be paid to the day either way since I'm already fronting right now. I've unpacked a game for the Nintendo Switch that Maple got a few days ago. I'm still a bit clumsy with the body and knocked a few things over and accidentally unplugged something I shouldn't have, but I'm going to enjoy the day as a "belated" birthday. The game was supposed to be an early birthday gift for Maple, but I'll consider it an early birthday gift for me as well, since it was just a couple days prior. I want to reach out a bit more and make some more friends, but I'm feeling really shy. I feel like I'm very easy to talk over. I hadn't been talking much outside of the system for the past 6 years, and even after a few months after my creation, I stopped talking until recently. I might just be extremely introverted as was suggested. I'll find a way to talk to people, hopefully. Hope you all have a great spooky season, I know I'm enjoying it so far with everyone else.

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Something that’s a little fun to do is to have a little birthday cake for the tup whose birthday it is, that has like a similar flavor/texture/etc to the ones my grandma made when I was younger, but haven’t had myself in ages. I realized that Ruth’s form is TECHNICALLY a dog, and that it’s a chocolate cake, and I made a very easy joke there and he wasn’t too pleased. But he likes the cake, as usual. He was taunting me because I can’t have it for real anymore. :v

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