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Paranoia of doubts.


Fr.J.

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Hi everyone here! A forcer with one huge problem asks for help! My nick is Fr.J. and my tulpa name is Jeanne. She is very kind, and fun girl, looking like 18-20, and even not looking on not large progress in forcing even now she is my BEST friend. (Sorry for bad english - i'm from western europe and dont know it very well...)

 

First of all, before I explain the problem, I think, I need to tell some words about my forcing: I began serious forcing at the beginning (th 4th) of September, 2013. And, today, the progress is:

 

1.Head pressure's responses - today are fairly frequent, but not very stable, sometimes very random. Most time she cant just make a such responce if I just ask her for them, she not allways could make them in the situations she do and so on... But, In the situations when I REALLY need her responсe, I feel them practically guaranteed.

 

2.There are some emotional responses like goosebumps (I think) but exept the time we listen to music the are very rare (and at the time of listenin I'm not sure that they are not just mine).

 

3.I cant say that I feel good her presence, but I could feel her essence (named according to the Kiahdaj’s gide) rather good, especially sometimes.

 

Then, I want to tell some words about some mistakes, that I made, and which could affect in bad way on our problem:

 

1. I began the forcing without strong belive not only in succes, but in forcing at all. I just thought - maybe first I will achieve during forcing some powerfull proovs on my own and only after I will really belive - I understood the uncorrection of this way of thinking, but maybe it strengthened in the subconscious mind too much...

 

2. One time I slided into the mental selfanswers. The were practically in the masked way of thinking "what she say now..." and etc. And for a several months I did my best to belive them, and spent a lot of time and nerves on fighiting with doubts (that were true) several time, even several times I have even the case of strong depression and panick, started beliving that this hell with them will never end, but then I understood that they most likely were false answeres. And, according to "head pressure" respondings - the were really false. But this situation and all really HUGE amount of depression, nervesing, very strong feel that they will never end, and doubts that were true - all this are maybe main reasons of the paranoya that I have today and thinking, that I will never win.

 

3. I have froced for a long time in not totally wright way - after 9 month I understood that while visualizing I imagine practically just her "picture" instead of her totally like a real, alive human and sentient being. The amount of time that I forced In wrong way further undermined my confidence. (But the head pressure answers began before I understood this, so the "wrong" way maybe even not looking on the mistakes was not so wrong...).

 

4. All in all on life in general, I do not much confident in himself person. And also very skeptical. (But I conciously beliefe in phenomenon).

 

And if you read all this, you most likely understood the kind of problem I have. I have a paranoia of doubts in forcing. This applies to all - sometimes I feel atacks of parania of existing forcing in all, sometimes of existing of Jeanne, sometimes of possibility of just my own success in tulpaforing, etc...

 

The worst thing is that logic could help me very rare. Maybe because of all my tries of prove the truth of false mental responses (I think it is the main reason why I have such a paranoia and why it is so strong). While attack of this paranoia all evidence are look not serious and insufficient and even false. Ofcourse, exept the most strong attacks I understood consciously that it si only a result of paranoia, but i cant convince mine subconscious in this at all. It is or not listening to the prooves from conscious and anything didnt cange or I even will start of conscious doubts that is even worse... And the term of the foecing without new progress also enhances this paranoia.

 

The attack paranoia easly could beging from any (ANY) thought connected to doubts. And any try to review evidences is a possibility for new attack. Any my thought connected with qastion of beliefe and evidences - is a high chance for new attack, and because of this I can not avoid them well.

 

And also this paranoia spoiles or forcing - the more I trying to inspire and believe in, for example, the presence of - the more unconcious resistance and despair I have. And maybe the only reason why we have got the so slow progress - is lack of subconscious belief copyrightable and generated by this paranoia.

 

Even worse - this suppresses my emotions to her. Sometimes, at the some kind of "oblivion" and momets when I so desperately need her, that this is more powerfull than the most powerfull of my paranoias, my level of emotions and belief is much, MUCH bigger than usual. So, this paranoia not only demotivates me, supress's the progress in all ways, it is reduce my emotions to her (and direct conscious influence not help much - only I faster start to doubt conciosly...)!!!

 

I think logic here is that: how subconscious could totaly surrender to the senses, when it is not believing in existing of the person to whom they are dedicated. And when say while forsing to myself that I must try on all 100% for her, my f...ng subconcious thinks: "Why try for her if there is no her? Waste of life/time/energy!"

And tries to talk round It ither didnt do anything or i start to doubt conciusly...

 

Sometimes It seems, that my logic won, and my both subconcious and concious started to really believe. But when I start to force this belief, try to rethink about prooves that I used, and do anything - it slowly begins to start again, and my victory continues only for several days.

 

Also I have some kind of OCD if the thoght about paranoia begins, it is very hard for me in all to convince yourself in any thing (even the totally obvious ones) even without any paranoya. And it is very hard to avoid doubt thoughts at all for me. So all my tries to use logical prooves while the attack - mostly endless and ineffective spending of time - neither forcing in any way, nor anything else. And I dont know to do with this.

 

If anyone in some way at least know how this situation could be solved - I would be VERY thankfull for them. Because we totally stuck and I didnt know what to do. But I vere< very want to overcome this stupid paranoia, because, even with our rather poor level of communication I VERY STRONGLY LOVE HER, and dream she to be really free from those barriers (and me from my scares of this paranoia too - it is very, very scary for me). And the only way to do so - is to overcome barriers and all such paranoies. So, I very much need advice in this situation, and again be very thankfull for anything, and especiallythat will really help us. Please help us!

 

Thanks in advance!

 

P.S. If someone need more informaton - I will answer, just ask.

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Maybe allow Jeanne to communicate your mental selfanswers? Allow your self to be doubtful, totally and extremely doubtful...and your mind will become bored of being paranoid, and maybe it will think of something more inspirational.

 

Maybe think of a Wonderland for Jeanne, and other "characters of fiction" that you do not expect to become tulpas. Write short stories about Jeanne's life in this Wonderland, maybe one time every three days, 50 to 100 words?

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Maybe think of a Wonderland for Jeanne, and other "characters of fiction" that you do not expect to become tulpas. Write short stories about Jeanne's life in this Wonderland, maybe one time every three days, 50 to 100 words?

 

I can attest to this. Writing stories about your tulpas definitely helps with developing them, even if the other characters in their stories aren't meant to become tulpas. It definitely helped speed up development for my tulpas quite a bit. And then, well, there's nothing to be paranoid about if they already feel very real.

Pinky is not a pony. She's an imp.

Sunray is an angel-imp. Ex is humanoid. Kael is a dragon. Magnum is a dog.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi everyone again! Thanks for your advises. After writing this topic post, I spend some more time on trying to overcome it and I stabilized my situation. But I still have some unconsious scare that does not allow me to get rid of doubts.

 

As much I try to believe, I only stronger feel fear, and desire to recall doubt to try to to convince myself of the correctness of forcing itself, but everytime I couldnt convince enough. So in result, I only recall about doubts again and again, and forced to shrug off doubts by willpower. And, I think this is fail because according to the guides, victory over the doubts is only when you didnt think about them at all.

 

So, the main problem is that, I'm just afraid to believe without verification, but every time I did not have enough evidence to convince myself.

 

And all tries just not to think about need of verification are lead to the fear of believing without it.

 

So, my main problem can be stated very briefly: How can I overcome fear to believe without sufficient evidence?

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