Lumi's Dreaming Thread; Dreams of Moon

[Luminesce]

I swearrrrr I had a lucid dream... at some point. I woke up this morning and, while recalling the dream I'd just had, happened upon the memory of a plain-and-simple lucid dream. But I have no idea when I had it. Assumedly it was last night, which is probably most likely, but I can't place it. There was no point where I woke up after said dream, and I can't remember how it ended. It was literally just a -lucid dream-. All I remember was wondering for a moment if I was dreaming, knowing that if I wondered that I probably was, and being aware that I was in the dream.. But I told myself not to try and summon my tulpas or walk into the wonderland (Don't know why that part, wonderland was made for lucid dreaming). I think I did what we're supposed to to stabilize dreams, feel our body from top to bottom and then the ground, then take in our surroundings etc. I don't even remember reality checking, I might have just been that sure. But I can't remember what happened after that. I don't remember waking up, I don't remember drifting off... but maybe that's implicative of drifting off. All I know for sure is it was not the last dream I had before waking up for the day, as that was a clearer and longer dream.

 

Oh well. Whenever it was, it was not a vivid dream whatsoever, and nothing of note happened in it. I'm mostly just confused on when the heck it happened. I can usually place dreams like I can memories to a vague point of time or context. I can guess a month range of when I last talked about some random subject ("between 4 and 8 months ago"), I can tell pretty accurately which of us wrote about what on the forum, and I can definitely tell when I had what dreams. But this one was literally contextless. The dream scenario just feels like white and a hallway, and the time marker is nonexistent. Whaaatever.

 

I asked Tewi if she had anything to say on the subject, and she... I'm really annoyed that we have no word for tulpish anymore. I want to say mindvoice'd here, but that term is apparently useless. She sent me the really quick thoughts-with-context/meaning thing saying I'm not being strict enough with my dream recall throughout the night. Well, she didn't say it, but I felt it like she thought about it. That's interesting I guess. I got the feeling-context that accompanies words usually although she decided not to actually say it. Anyways, she's right, I'm terrible.

 

I don't have the unrelenting perseverance she does, or the at least relative perseverance the others have to do things. It's just not there. When Tewi wants to do something, that's just how it'll be, it's in her mind as what needs to be done and she'll do it. Maybe I can make myself do it, but there's a dang good chance I can't and won't, and even if I do it's not remotely accompanied by perseverance. My-self tells me if she can do it then it's only my beliefs that stop me from doing it, but I just can't think of how. Like.. The fuel for motivation isn't there, I have nothing to spur that determination, and if I try it feels hollow and fades quickly. But my-self still says that's a self-imposed limitation and I could do it if I got over it. In this case, the limitation is that "I believe Tewi has the ability and motivation to do it, because of who she is. But "I" don't, and so I won't do it. I could make myself think like her, tell my mind that I do and will, and I would. But it feels like that invalidates some legitimacy of my tulpas' and my identities."

 

Perhaps my belief in their separate identities is what fuels the motivation to be themselves in the first place, which is why I feel like I can't just "change myself". Well, without some motivation to do that in the first place, I couldn't keep it up anyways. I've told myself I'd do well in school because it was really important before, and within a month I'd stopped doing any schoolwork or attending whatsoever. That was the semester before Tewi started handling most of the academic stuff. Aaahhhhhh... I've got a nice system going on in my mind after all these years, it's really good at knowing what's up and working with itself. That doesn't need to make sense. Point is, dealing with my motivation issues at the root of the problem conflicts with how we've set up the sense of legitimacy in our identities. Telling myself I have motivation is like telling myself that I am one of them, or that the old Flandre still exists. Brute forcing beliefs like that does not fit the status quo. I could do it, just like I could make another tulpa in a matter of minutes, but there's a reason I don't work like that. When you craft your own subjective reality, you've got to take measures to keep it stable and believable/reasonable. I could also tell myself I'm a millionaire or that I'm living in a simulation and nothing matters. I've got limitations on modifying my beliefs for that reason. Without moderation, it serves to illegitimize the way I experience this reality. And I am waaaay uncomfortable without my own set of beliefs, before I made them I was a depressed wreck who only Reisen could save. Reality is subjective, and not realizing that leaves you liable to all sorts of biases and unnecessary beliefs in "truths" that only ruin your life experience.

 

Most of you reading this have probably never really heard me talk quite so in-depth about this stuff huh? I suppose it's been a long time since I seriously thought about the subject of modifying your subjective reality. I don't even really do it anymore, because I'm lazy I guess. A couple years ago I felt like I hit a plateau where my beliefs and mindset were actually pretty good, so I stopped working on them so much. I'm not even totally comfortable changing how I think anymore, possibly because of all the switching we've done and how how my mind works now supports that. Blah blah limiting beliefs (or limiting laziness) and all that still, if the best way to deal with a problem is.. the best way.. then it's the best way. And I'm sure you guys would agree as well as Tewi that the effects not doing something will have on my life are too big a deal to let being uncomfortable stop me.

 

 

 

Too Long; Didn't Read - I have the ability to make myself be motivated to do things by telling my mind I have the motivation to do things. But brute-forcing beliefs and mindsets like that hurts the legitimacy of my subjective reality as a whole, ie what I believe and how I experience things. Like an admin on a game using his administrator abilities to do something illegitimate in the game, like

. Maybe it's alright in moderation, but you can see why something like that can quickly ruin the whole game. I don't wanna ruin my game.

 

I honestly got distracted trying to find that video, now I don't feel into the subject at all. Maybe Tewi can figure something out later. I've been writing this for literally an hour, so I'm gonna go to sleep now. I will do my best to remember dreams aside from just the last ones.

[Lucilyn]

shoot it's 4am lol oops

 

I spent the last 3 hours playing osu because I'm the definition of in the zone and I beat two songs we either couldn't beat or couldn't no-miss for months til now. I didn't even look at the time until just now :|

 

Well, I felt like getting up early wouldn't be too hard, but now idek. Should I just like, sleep-in-stay-awake to reset the schedule, or just not really sleep a lot? If I sleep 6 hours to 10 then I can probably sleep at like 12 right? is it worth that little sleep and is staying up all night bad?

 

... idk

 

Anyways I think Lumi remembered his dreams well last night. Actually thinking back to them, he had a couple that he didn't like, dreams with someone he doesn't wanna dream about. Our mind is pretty dumb, and it's kinda a tease sometimes too, because why she appears in his dreams and not us is beyond me. I mean.. she exists corporeally... but hasn't been around in years and we've spent 100x as much time with him. I get that we don't exist corporeally, but I'd say we've done enough imposition to at least warrant a dream every once in a while! Not to mention wonderlanding and, I don't know, Touhou stuff. But I guess even the Tohos have gotten a few dreams. but like screw us we're not relevant to his life I guess

 

 

uuuuhhhh wasn't kidding about not knowing what to do. Umm. Uh. I will ask Tewi.

Okay, I guess I'm gonna sleep about 6 hours to 10:30am, be awake for <14 hours to <12:30am, and then idk how long I'll sleep. Maybe I should try and go to sleep sooner to sleep longer. We'll see how it goes, good night!

[Lucilyn]

so I woke up at 11:30 and thought, you know, 11:30 isn't really remotely close to 7AM... So I just went back to sleep for a few hours. Indecision means I gotta stay up even later now! We got some kinda V8 energy drink no one wants tho so maybe that'll do something. I can't remember us ever being affected by caffeine (and similarly never really getting tired anyway) but who knows. Also Tewi didn't tell me to do one or the other thing, she just asked me what I wanted to do. And I thought waking up early would be good, until I realized just how much later 11 is than 7. I guess I'll stay up all night and maybe some of tomorrow.

 

I remembered dreams fine, kinda a lot of them. The more you remember your dreams the more expansive the night feels, it feels like so much happened in every one! Like, just the last one I had felt like a full episode of a cartoon. That one specifically was about the Teen Titans trying to survive in a spoopy haunted house place, so, it just was a cartoon I guess. Other ones were about games we've been playing... vaguely.

[TheSanctuary]

In response to the question about if people mind reading long ass posts- nope. No problem with it at all it's all very insightful. Keep at it!

[Lucilyn]

idk what to say. I played Anti-Idle all day and night and day (level 1337 at the end of day 2!), I kinda remembered my dreams (I'm trying), and that's it.

 

Actually people have said a lot of nice things recently so I'll at least tell you something interesting! Lumi was asked if he wanted to be mod! But long story short his answer's no. He likes what he does being seen as "extra" and not "required" or something like that. Basically he's afraid of responsibilities. I personally don't want to like.. delete posts or send people warnings or whatever. Tewi would do it but she's not really around often enough to be a mod, and I'd also feel bad for taking time away from her. Anyways Lumi probly could've been mod a long time ago, but he really likes being "just a good member". And since I switch the most often I feel like I'd have to do a lot of stuff too...

 

Anyways, normal sleeping schedule Coming Soon™. And I will definitely keep trying to remember dreamses.

[Lucilyn]

Stayed up alll the way to 12pm (1 1/2 hours after that post), sleep, wake up at 6pm, can't go back to sleep, lay in bed for an hour and a half, get up. :|

 

I'm not totally sure why we can't ever sleep in when we stay up all night, but I think it might have something to do with us supposed to be-ing awake at that time, so the body doesn't wanna sleep. Like sleeping in until 12-1pm is one thing, but sleeping past 4pm is another. Except on the transition days to reset the schedule that's normally a time we're 100% awake for no matter what our schedule is. Whatever, it's stupid, I want to sleep longer!! Also I'm tired now and not waiting another 4 hours to sleep skrew dat

 

I had a dream where video-game-aspects-in-real-life stuff happened like always, and we were hiding from a way OP monster in a game that tends to kill people who get too close instantly, and there were other people around, but one girl was like stupid and decided to scream and lure it towards us, and I wasn't really scared of 'dying' (video game wise except irl) but still you got the fight or flight response, and I woke up then and my heart was beating really fast. We don't have nightmares and never really wake up scared, but every looong once in a while we wake up from a dream with our heart beating hard like that 'cus of a situation we were in. It's more entertaining than annoying so I don't mind but I felt like it was worth mentioning!

 

Also when we talk about "we"/"I" in dreams, unless we specify it's literally us it was probably from Lumi's perspective or didn't show our body at all. We just say it was whoever was doing the dreaming. And tbh I feel like a lot of my dreams even though they're "Lumi"'s body are more like how I act than he does, so maybe we can assume it's us fronting in most of those dreams and not dreaming from his perspective. Most dreams are kinda too vague thought-wise to care anyways. But I have definitely 1000% had a few dreams that I was 100% me, but in Lumi's body. So that sounds reasonable.

[Lucilyn]

aaaaaa my eyes are like "nope" right now. Not 'cus I'm tired, just 'cus I've been awake and looking at a computer screen for so long. It was literally 22 hours ago but I'm pretty sure I remembered most of my dreams sequentially, not astoundingly vivid but clear enough! Dunno they're just kind of being remembered without me trying too much. I don't think it would be fair to say I'm trying harder than Lumi was. Well, that's because I'm not really trying at all lol. But anyways I will keep "trying" I guess! The trying only comes after I've woken up and by that point whether we remember a dream or not was kind of already decided. The trying is how well you explore what you remember and commit it to memory.

 

I'm ok at that I guess

[Lucilyn]

Kinda forgot all dreams last night. Because I had to sleep through people making noise because my eyes hurt too much to stay awake even though it was 5pm. Also it's 5pm again today. Well, uh, I'll try to not forget to remember to not forget. Also I wonder if I should like, switch with someone soon. Maybe? Probably? Tewi needs a turn to do things I think. I kind of need to do some things too though, I guess we'll see

[Lucilyn]

things and reasons, day was good, dreams are sufficiently entertaining me throughout the night although I still forget them in the long-term

 

aaalllll good, and good night

[Lucilyn]

I'm happy today! I forgot we were actually good at dancing, or didn't know in the first place, feels like we get better when we don't even do it. Like Osu! Idk about Lumi but I feel confident enough in myself to dance with an audience at this point! Anyways yeah I am in a good long-term mood!

 

I thought today, that everything you've ever experienced, all of "reality", is inside your mind. Like maybe not the present moment but everything else in your life, it's all in your head. All the things that don't feel happy, all the things that you would consider irrelevant but still feel "aren't good", they're still there, still affecting you. So I thought, to myself and to our mind and Sylvia and the universe, I want to make my mind a happy space. I wanna enjoy life, I wanna be happy all the time, I wanna spread happiness like that too, and I don't wanna worry about things. I wanna deal with everything as it comes because you problem solve way better when you're happy and deflect stress like that anyways! I don't need all the bad and sad and general drudgery. And I don't need it floating around my head as if it's "real" even though it's not me. It seems like everything I know that isn't happening right now is in the past, and the past shouldn't be affecting my mood or mindset. And I mean like, making it neutral instead of happy. I'm usually in a good mood anyways but being really happy requires not worrying about all that stuff!

 

And I thought, I want the others to all have their spaces in the mind too. It's okay if Tewi doesn't want to be happy-happy, like if her perfect mindset/environment doesn't mean she's smiling, just really peaceful, that's fine! I want that for her, I know it's as good for her as being happy is for me. And I want Lumi to be happy and confident and stuff about us and his life, and not have to worry about things. Again even he can deal with problems/general stressors fine when he's happy. I want Flan to be happy with Lumi and spend time together, and definitely to be able to lucid dream to really enjoy it! Although I personally feel like I can make our visualization good enough to enjoy it, since I can enjoy being in the wonderland alone already. And uh, Reisen's kind of already always in a good mental-place I guess. But I know she would be happiest with us when we're all happy too! Heck, it'd be really hard but if we started doing more exercise and eating more healthy foods (instead of just less unhealthy foods) I think even Scarlet would be happy. Like content happy. Contentness is happiness for her.

 

So I told the universe, and I told our mind, and I told myself, and I told you guys! That's what I want! It's what I'll work towards and it's what I'll try and use our cool subjective-reality mind-stuff to, uh, enact? Sort of like thinking like it's already the case and then it is, maybe a little more in-depth than that though. Anyways, 10PM, I guess that's an okay time to go to sleep. I'll try not to sleep too long so we can keep this schedule. Good night!