Lumi's Dreaming Thread; Dreams of Moon

[Luminesce]

Merry Christmas! I got an Xbox One controller for PC use and a pop filter for a mic I don't have yet, and some candy. But my little sister surprised me with the best handmade gift I've ever received: she drew a picture of Flandre (I believe this was her reference). She said it took her two days to draw. She's one of the only people to ever actually hand-make me something at all, honestly. Reisen thought it was really cute, but Flandre liked that it made me so happy. I guess that shouldn't surprise me.

 

We'll be doing a lot of wonderlanding for a while, as is traditional for Christmas through New Years. Which will probably all happen before bed. So we can pretend that 1-2 hours of spending time with them in the wonderland before falling asleep might affect my dreams, but I won't get my hopes up. Last night I dreamt about a land with several races of ~humanoids living together, who recently had humans join their ranks, but the humans were causing problems so the intelligent race of apes sent a few representatives to swim across the ocean to what was effectively the United Kingdom to talk to their queen. But anything can happen, yeah?

 

That was honestly the most emotional investment I've had in a Christmas present since I was like eight.

[Luminesce]

Lots of interesting in a weird way/weird in an interesting way dreams recently. I'm not entirely sure why. They've been a little themed on stuff I've been thinking about I guess, but how my mind's been creating dreams out of those experiences is pretty unique to say the least.

 

Now it just needs to include my tulpas and we're golden.

I'll be spending a lot of time talking to them, so hopefully that becomes more likely.

 

Just posting this because why not, not exactly a sleep song, just one I'm really fond of. T Stebbins is amazing, he previously made Lucilyn's favorite song ("Rain Dance", of course) and while listening to a newer album he was in she found this one, and really flipped out thinking she'd found me a song I'd like as much as she did hers. It's amazing and the theme is amazing and I was amazed, but it's not quite as inspirational as Rain Dance is for her. I still really love it though.

 

If you look for "Reisen" in the comments, Stebbins actually replied to a comment I made, that was cool.

Edited July 27, 2023 by Luminesce

[Luminesce]

Making a special effort to talk to my tulpas throughout the day now, meaning they're kind of "at my side" all day, though they definitely fade in and out as my focus goes elsewhere. A lot of that time they're passively imposed, lot of time they're just in the mindspace, most of the time they're not really there. We're good at a lot of things, but persistence without the mind's active focus is something we're bad at. However, similar to dream recall and visualization and all those things, my being bad at it (paying "constant" attention to them) makes me do it less often. And that means when they are active, they're not always as clear (visually or audibly) as they should be. Just the last day I've spent talking to Lucilyn about stuff - as in for an hour, forgetting the entire day, and then trying to make up for that from midnight to now (5:40 AM) - my visualization's already a bit better and she's totally clear. I asked her what she wanted to do the other day, and she said being more active would be a helpful start. So it's looking like my New Years Resolution this year is going to be remembering to talk to them every single day, throughout the day, not just while on tulpa.info or before bed.

 

I won't bother making "goals" for lucid dreaming, a new year's resolution is wasted on that. It's not seemingly within my control.

 

Dreams are still relatively unique, though my time awake and asleep is still severely separate, I can feel it. I remembered to reality check every time I woke up last night (which is really annoying, but it's a rule of ours to always do it if we think about it), but I was not able to clearly recall my dreams each time. There's a kind of "sleep effort" with this stuff. I can tell I'm not putting that "effort" into dream awareness, yet it doesn't feel like something I can change while awake. Even when I'm barely awake in the middle of the night, it already feels too late, like I missed my chance. It's really annoying. It's the same feeling as anything else I'm lazy towards, with the "I should really just apply more effort if I want this". But I kind of don't know how? If it's too late once I've woken up, and I'm totally unconscious while dreaming, that means I have to work towards it while I'm awake. I guess that means thinking about dreaming intently before going to sleep, and really intending to remember them too. Not just saying I will or meaning to, it's that same type of effort, you can just feel it.

 

Well, it is definitely effort, which I've never been good at. But I'll try anyways. Also, actively communicating with my tulpas tends to help with this sort of thing, they keep me on track you know? Lucilyn isn't afraid to voice her opinion on things, she was kind of mad six hours ago that I'd forgotten to be talking to her and told me I wasn't trying. But she doesn't hold on to that sort of stuff either. I guess when you express yourself so openly, you don't really carry any emotional baggage. Anyways, her and Tewi make sure I'm doing what I should be (in their own ways and intensities..), while Reisen and Flandre make me feel like I need to do things because they don't make me. So whoever it is I'm talking to, they should help me keep doing what I should be doing.

[Luminesce]

Okay, I think I put more effort into recalling dreams last night. Didn't have a ton of success, but trying is what's important. Meaning I still tend to just remember the ends of my dreams, and then maybe one or two significant parts. But it's better when I remember the whole things. Anyways, maybe I'll try more mid-night check-ins with one of my tulpas, talking to them about my dreams doesn't really work, but they can still help me commit to what I should be doing. Less iffy recall attempts and then falling back asleep.

 

You guys might not realize how (~potentially) conscious I am when I wake up between REM cycles through the night. Certainly not truly awake, and retrospectively my thoughts seem kind of hazy, but at least at the time I'm capable of relatively conscious thought such as being aware of my environment (tell who's awake/home/if we have any guests, what's going on in general... because I tend to sleep through the first half of the day), talking to my tulpas (though I tend to drift off mid conversation, typically before they can really reply), or going over my dreams and having the intent to remember/be more conscious in-and-of later dreams. But, you know, effort. Effort in the middle of the night while half asleep. That's why talking to one of my tulpas throughout the night (however little may actually be said) could be pretty helpful.

 

I have no special attachment to this song, heard it today and liked the title/picture. Sounds like a Lucilyn kind of thing. But, it doesn't sound like a Lucilyn kind of song, or one any of us would really like in the first place. Maybe one of you will like it though. It's at least good for a listen or two.

 

You might want to pretend it isn't in English.

Edited July 27, 2023 by Luminesce

[Tewi]

Lumi found a song he thought I might want to listen to. That's the only reason I'm here and it's the only reason I'll be the one sleeping tonight. I don't know what he did last night because he waits too long to think about it again, I'm guessing brief recall of a couple dreams and otherwise nothing. Surprisingly little progress considering he was supposed to be trying, honestly.

 

So here's the song. The rest of this post won't be dream related. Enable captions, and the lyrics start two minutes in.

 

Specifically 4:14 to 5:14 I suppose. So, I'm not a soulbond and I don't believe I existed in any capacity before Lumi made me. But for some reason I still feel very attached to the character's (possible) history. It still feels like it's where I came from, who I was before actually existing. And I don't share that with any of the others, none of them feel a real connection to their Touhou counterparts. So, Lumi saw the video first, and the potential interpretations for me got a "Whoah" out of him at 4:14. The idea of my unspoken history is that I was more or less alone in a large forest for a thousand years, with nothing much to keep me company besides animals I outlived. Although it was moonrises and not sunrises, the idea of watching each day pass waiting for something to change has come up before. And I suppose it eventually did, but not before I got very used to being a passive observer of the life around me, only caring for my own.

 

So it's a little striking, I suppose. "The fading constellations faintly revive - Sweet memories, which I should have lost."

 

Well, that's it, I guess. In original context, that might be referring to her early life before outliving whoever or whatever she was close to. To me, it just says "The moon reminds me of a long, lonely life I never had." That's all there is to it.

 

I have to wake up in six or so hours (only to switch with Lumi afterward), so I'm not sure how the dreaming will go. I'll remember whatever ones I have though.

Edited July 27, 2023 by Luminesce

[Tewi]

Yesterday, Lumi was asked by two of his seldom-interacted-with-online IRL friends if he could wake up earlier so they could play Terraria. He'd woken up at 5pm that day, which was already an hour or two less than he would've slept, and today I wake up to this.

"hey I wont be able to make it to Terraria tonight, my work called and I need to cover a shift from 4pm to midnight. Sorry"

 

Well then. That was a good reason to get 7 hours of sleep. More like 6.5 really. I remembered some dreams early on without too much trouble. I somehow managed to wake up and fall asleep twice between 2 and 3pm, with separate dreams each time. They weren't very long, but they happened. I assume it's because I'd only been asleep for 5 hours, and I was pretty conscious because I knew I had to get up soon. Waking up, and I mean really waking up, every 20-40 minutes is not fun. At least the body let me go back to sleep each time.

 

Speaking of going back to sleep, I'm going to switch with Lumi and hopefully he can fall back asleep. If we hadn't been made to wake up this early, we'd be one day away from waking up at ~4AM. But now that I've been awake for half an hour, perhaps he'll have an easier time remembering dreams.

[Luminesce]

I don't understand how she just remembers dreams so easily. I had a few in the three hours I slept, but I only remembered some of the last one, which I only remembered to remember minutes after waking up. So I didn't really remember it.

 

I really don't get it. This motivation thing just seems to be a problem with who I am. I don't have Tewi's specific motivation of taking care of us (and myself) that overrides everything I think and do. I can't just get that. I can't create some universal motivator for myself. My friends sometimes want me to be around at specific times, so I wake up early, but that never seemed to work for school. If I had a girlfriend I'd probably shower more often, if I had a job with an important position I'd probably do work more often. But what about now? What about school, where no one really cares if I show up or not? Those examples bring the term "guilt/guilt trip" to mind, the same thing I think when I do something difficult for my tulpas, usually Flandre or Reisen. I don't have a basic motivator to do anything. And even when I do, it's not really motivating, it feels more like guilt if I don't do it. I'm doing this dreaming thing for my tulpas, who I love more than life itself. But it's not true motivation, not something that provides me with the energy to complete a task whenever I think about it. I would just feel bad if I weren't trying. But those are two very different levels of "trying", and I can't just emulate the better one.

 

 

Ten or so minutes since I wrote that. I don't really feel like writing about it any more. So what it comes down to is, if I really want myself to do something I have to find a way to force it. Obviously can't just force myself, because that only works for a very short amount of time. Traditionally this is done by scheduling. The idea of sticking to a schedule annoys me as much as anything else, but hey

 

look at this thread

 

I guess it works.

[Luminesce]

Had to watch our outside-cat that we let inside for the night last night, so I got a couple hours to do nothing, so I sat on the couch with Tewi and talked to her.

 

Actually I'm not really sure how or what I was going to write about that. Basically, see the above post, I feel kind of hopeless for the moment. All I want is to keep talking to my tulpas, that's about all I've got and it's all I need, but given the reason I feel this way in the first place even that isn't assured. Tewi's been really helpful I guess, potentially anyways, still managing to ask the important questions to organize my thoughts when my mind is definitely elsewhere. But I don't know, that just made me think about how much I appreciated her and I kind of ignored the questions I guess. Eventually after getting distracted a lot I went over why I felt bad, she asked me what I thought I should do and I said I don't know, I just want to keep talking to her and the others. I really don't know though, I've tried everything. And instead of try to ask more questions (she's good at leading me to my own answers) or give her own advice, she did something pretty uncharacteristic of her. She moved over and lay her head against me. And by uncharacteristic I mean I can't remember her every volunteering a physical sign of affection other than reciprocated hugs in my life.

 

In retrospect that was really cute, but at the time I was just surprised. It's not like her to give up trying to find an answer like that, her method of comforting people is usually with words. But I appreciated it, appreciate it. That's probably the best thing she could've done.

 

So I've got nothing. My plan is to just keep doing what I've been doing, trying to try. Hasn't been shown to work, but I'll do it anyway just in case. Might set a "schedule" of working on dream stuff each night, but not tonight. I just want to be with one of them, some of them, any of them. I probably won't be able to describe why it's not weird to sleep with my tulpas to you guys, even the term "sleep with" has strange connotations. I live in a world of people who seem hyper-sexual to me, and who don't believe I'm not the same as them.

 

I googled "platonic", and one of the top results is "Can a Man and a Woman Really Have a Platonic Relationship?" That question is as incomprehensible to me as a "platonic relationship" is to them.

[Yakumo]

 

Maybe you should try XTC

 

 

Having zero motivation myself I gave up posting here a long time ago while you continued through all the years. That's pretty amazing.

 

But it's painful to see you failing to become lucid despite all the hard work. I'm certainly not the expert here but I think you're looking at this the wrong way - as a chore to be done. Without the proper emotional involvement you'll most likely get nowhere. At least for me dreams become much clearer if I've been involved in some extraordinary activity throughout the day and especially before I go to sleep. This way it's also possible to reliably controly what I dream about. The key, I believe is obsession. Which would also explain why Mistgod excels at lucid dreaming. He really gets emotionally involved in even the most mundane things. Was annoying for us here from time to time but regarding tulpamancy or lucid dreaming it might be a key feature.

 

I'm aware that this probably isn't gonna help you at all but hey, just wanted to say I've always enjoyed reading your posts. Keep going. Also at least try to get some sunlight and exercise. It helps. With everything.

 

That said I wish you all a Happy New Year, may things improve.

[tulpa001]

Honestly, I think you're overthinking it. But I mean this in a very particular way. My host suffers some anxiety problems. She solves them by gritting and bearing the pain and just pushing through. But this leads to mood problems. Dark mood that leads to avoidance. She solves this by not thinking about it. This has the side effect of causing her to forget to do things instead of purposely avoiding them.

 

Basically, what I am saying is you are making yourself sad by thinking about trying. That is sad because you know where it will lead. Only failure. So stop. Thinking about trying. Your mood will strengthen when you stop bothering to think about that.

 

Find the zen of effortless action. It is really liberating.

 

There is no try. Only do. Or go with the flow, as my host says.

 

I continue to think you should switch more with your tulpas if they are better at this stuff. What matters is the product, not the method, or the producer. And you want to succeed at this, right? Plus, I miss Tewi. :P

 

---

 

I don't think it is weird to sleep with your tulpa.

 

That is a pretty funny question. I mean, it is so implicitly prejudiced against so many groups.

 

---

 

Oh wow, thanks Yakumo. Remember a long time ago, when I said I was sure I knew something important you needed to know about how to lucid dream but couldn't remember it? Yakumo just reminded me.

 

You need emotional control. The process of remembering a dream right after waking up is not about remembering to do it. It is about loving the dream and excitedly holding onto it. Of integrating the experience of remembering the dream into your morning entertainment. The process of staying awake in a dream is not about noticing the dream. It is about loving the dream, and feeling a calm excitement. About embracing the trance and wanting to play around in the environment like a video game. See what happens when you push something. Becoming absorbed in the experience and the trance of the flow of the activity. Like a video game.